ready for marriage? advice
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1.5 years. We have been very good friends for 8 years and known eachother for 12. We have recently brought up the topic of marriage. We have discussed many topics that we feel need to be talked about before getting married. He wants 2 kids and I want 4 we both feel we would like 3. Decision made. We have talked about budget issues, where our money will go, how much to save etc. We know eachothers bestfriends, hardships while growing up. We know the best and worst of eachother. I am turing 22 and he is turning 25, both in July and if we get engaged we will be engaged for at least 1.5 years. But I have some concerns about if we are ready for such a step. I apologize now because I am going to really start rambeling.
1. He and his father own a business together and his father can be high strung and moody. Everyone's family gets along with everyone else, however, when his father gets mad he can take it out on my boyfriendand that inturn makes my boyfriend grumpy. His father's attitude gets to me because I am such a happy person normally and I always feel uneasy when his father is mad and it is never fun when your significant other is upset. I currently live an hour away so I only hear about the grumpyness when my boyfriend needs to vent about something or if I am there. But if we got married I would hear about it everytime and might always feel uneasy around his father. I am afraid that this will lead to animosity among the family and eventually start fights between b/f and I about his father's attitude. Can you just imagine me being in the hospital with my first born and b/f's father throwing a fit over something silly and starting a family fight? Is this something that will cause friction for the rest of our lives and can I deal with that?
2. B/f lives in the town that I grew up in. As mentioned previously, he and his father own a business together so there is no chance of him moving. Additionally, he is inheriting his grandparents house in the next few years, he will always live in this town. Four years ago, when I graduated high school, I wanted NOTHING more than to move away from this town. Mainly because the school was corrupt (resloved now) and they treated us like children but expected us to act like adults. You had no decision making power but could not act irresponisble either so it was frusterating to no end. The school system is taken care of now if this marriage does happen, our kids could go there and I am now an adult so I can go back there no problem but it is still a small, gossipy town and you have no private life. I live in a larger town that has a grocery open 24 hours a day, eating places open 24 hours a day, and variety of life experiences to partake in. There is no reason to be bored. In the town bf lives in there is a TINY grocery open 5 days a week from 9-4, one cafe and a bar that serves some food. No varitey of life...... Could I move back there? I don't mind going back for the weekends, etc but would I be happy there for the rest of my life?
3. He wants a prenup. His mother left his father with bf and bf's little brother. She cleaned out the bank accounts and just left them all. So b/f wants a prenup. When he first told me that I said not a problem. I understand why you would want one, I don't plan on getting a divorce, and I have a decent savings and investment, retirement, etc. After thinking about it though it made me realize that if he is wanting a prenup he thinks there is a possibility of divorce and that makes me fear that he may not be as committed to making a marriage work. When we have disagreements we always work on them and don't have any issues that we fight over consistantly so we haven't had HUGE problems so far that we haven't overtaken but I know that marriage is different. It is harder work to live together, have kids, stress etc. Is him wanting a prenup a sign that he is not 100% committed to making a marriage work or is it just sheilding himself against marrying someone like his mother? (which everyone agrees I am not)
4. Jobs in this town are limited for me. I am in school for nursing and there is a hospital 30 miles to the east and 30 miles to the north but neither have very good beinfits and don't have the best policies. For examlpe if you agree when you take the job that you will work everyother weekend, within 3 months they will have you working 3 weekends a month and calling you on the other weekend asking you to fill in. Another option would be daycare but when I have run one in the past I did not mix work with pleasure(didn't watch my friends' kids) in this small town there would be no way to keep those seperate as I know everyone there and I don't want to create issues because of that. I would also have the option to work at the same call center where I am currently a supervisor. I could do this position from home but they do not provide health insurance for you if you work from home and I cannot drive 120 miles a day to go to work. Boyfriend says that I could be a stay at home mother as we both want kids about 1.5 years after marriage but what happens if his business hits a rough patch? I think I could suck it up and do one of those jobs for a period of time but not permenantly.
5. Libedo. I hear this is one of the major factors that married couples fight over and ours don't exactly match. They aren't TOO far off but how far is really too far? His is just a bit less and mine is just a bit more but he is fine with vanilla ice cream in the bedroom and I like to add some chocolate syrup, sprinkles, and whipped cream if you get my drift. Would this cause issues in the long run? We have agreed to no sex before marriage but have had conversations about the subject during these marriage discussions.
Are these things that should make me turn around and never look back or are they things that can be worked out and shouldn't cause an issue? Do these things sound too immature and maybe we aren't ready or aren't compatible? Any advice from those already married? We agree on parenting styles and all that. I really love him and we get along really well. We know each others short comings but WE are really not the issue, these are all issues outside the relationship that could cause havoc on a marriage. Really just looking for some advice on this. I would appriciate anything.