I need help

andreap112May 24, 2010

I am 21 years old, I got married to him when i turned 18, we had already been together for 2 years. I married him 1) for love 2) to help him with his immigration issues. I PRESSURED HIM INTO GETTING MARRIED, HE NEVER ASKED FOR HELP! we didnt live together immediatly, it wasn't until i was 20 and he was 21 that we moved in together ALONE. Our relationship has never been easy, always fighting, screaming and throwing things. But now that we live alone, things havent' changed much. Now he smokes (weed) every day, he fights for everything! from my messy clothes to why i didnt walk the dog or why i made pasta! He doesn't like my family, which is only an excuse to not spend time with them. Its just that everything is so complicated, I feel like i love him so much, but everything is just so complicated with him, EVERYTHING! I visit my mom and i know he doesnt like it, its just like the only way we can be happy is if i do everything his way! and thats impossible. He jokes around about everything, he doesnt take my feelings into consideration, he doesnt appreciate anything that i do for him? Am i just wasting my time? I dont know what to do.

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You could live like that for a long while --
Or you could decide that's not how you want your life to be and make some changes.

It doesn't sound like he gives you a lot of respect, which is very bad for a marriage. Being treated disrespectfully destroys a person's self-esteem and weakens them in every way. You start living on eggshells and editing everything you do to avoid setting him off. But the sooner you do something about it, the easier the problem will be to fix.

When I finally decided that I was unable to go on like I had been, I told my then-husband that our marriage was in grave trouble, that I had made an appointment for counselling, and that he could go with me to discuss how to save our marriage, or I would go alone to decide if our marriage was worth saving.

I highly recommend that approach --
(and for goodness sake -- Don't get pregnant!)

    Bookmark   May 24, 2010 at 6:47PM
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"2) to help him with his immigration issues."

bad idea, big mistake

    Bookmark   May 24, 2010 at 8:08PM
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I don't mean to sound like I am giving you grief. Goodness knows, your situation is grief enough. The bad news is that it sounds very much like your "husband" doesn't really want to be married at all. It sounds to me like he is hiding behind the weed and pushing you away with his behavior. Regardless of his motives, what he is doing to you is very wrong and if you let it continue, will affect you for the rest of your life. If you don't make a stand now, and fight to keep your self respect, you will spend the rest of your life second guessing yourself.

A marriage that one person doesn't want to be in is no marriage at all. We women are notorious for loving men who make us miserable. This is not a personal note, just a common mistake seen in a lot of relationships. We go around trying to fix men and make them happy when they don't want fixed and don't care if they are "our" version of happy. Some people just don't want to change and will do anything to avoid it.

Please consider if what you are doing to save your marriage is worth your self respect and if in the end you will regret dealing with it instead of walking away if he doesn't want to change.

Have you asked him why he acts the way he does? If he doesn't have an answer that will make sense to you and doesn't want to find one, then you have very little to work with. You can choose to stay and tolerate the degredation and lose who you are down deep inside, or you can make a decision that this is not how you want to live and make changes for yourself.

Please take care and look around you for counseling and a good support system. Many times we spend too much time looking at the problem instead of looking for solutions. Don't sit there looking at the problem for so long that you feel you don't have any choices. Good luck and God bless you. You are not the first person to be in such a situation and if you can find a way to make your life yours again then you are in a position to find happiness and maybe help someone else when they need the advise you found for yourself.

    Bookmark   May 25, 2010 at 7:05AM
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"I don't mean to sound like I am giving you grief..."

No problem. I'll take it from there. This gal needs a wake-up call.

"Am i just wasting my time?"

Yes you are. You were and are very immature. And you made a mistake. As a teenager, you married a non-citizen stoner who wouldn't even live with you and, when you did finally get together, b.....itches at you all the time. Oh, and he can't stand your family either. Nice.

"I feel like i love him so much..."

Well, that's precious. But it isn't enough. Too much heart, not enough brain going on. Need to work on that. Get out of there. Grow up, and try again.

"I dont know what to do."

Yes you do. You're smarter than this. Anyone would be. Ask your family and others who know you.

    Bookmark   May 25, 2010 at 11:09AM
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A man who loves his wife doesn't make her a prisoner. A man who loves his wife is willing to talk things over and make compromises. A man who loves his wife WANTS her to have a good relationship with her family (assuming her family isn't hurting her in some way).

You are very young. Honestly? I think I speak for a lot of older women when I say this. If I married everyone I loved (or thought I did) from the time I was 16 on? I'd have over a half dozen divorces on my record. Those 'loves' we think are 'everything' at ages 17, 18, 19... even our early 20's are almost always NOT the real thing. They're practice relationships. They're not meant to be long-term ones, but ones we use to learn about ourselves, about love and about what we ultimately want in our lives. I'm sorry you rushed into something you weren't ready for, that you hadn't really looked criticallly at.

Here's the bottom line--and only you can really decide what path you want to follow--you need to assume that this man is never going to change. It's next to impossible to ever change another. All we can do is change ourselves, or learn to live with the faults of others. Do you want to spend the rest of your life as you are today? Are you aware that pot damages the brain, and usually leads to harder drugs--so your husband is likely to become worse over time. Do you think this man will be a safe and effective father to any children you have? do you think it's fair to subject chilren to the kind of abuse you've described?

As I said, you have to make the decision about your marriage yourself. But one thing I would strongly recommend--even to women in excellant relationships--KEEP AND MANAGE YOUR OWN MONEY. NEVER put all your money into a joint account. Even in a good relationship, there can be an emergency/death that could make it imperative for you to have your own funds. EVERY person, man or woman, should, IMO, have enough resources in their own name, that only they can access, to support themselves for at least 6 months, if a tragedy or split should occur. If you keep money in your own name, you will at least never feel trapped by this man. You will be able to leave if necessary. And if that day never comes? What's wrong with having a few extra $$$ in the bank? I've been married 37 years, and was able, a few years back, to buy us a second home (vacation home for now, but will be our retirement home in a few years) and maintain it financially--with 'my' money. Mind you, I haven't worked full time in 30 years, but I've always kept a little money aside, invested wisely, and not spent wildly. I'm so proud that I was able to do that for my husband. My point being that good, bad or indifferent, in any relationship, it's good for each partner to have and control their own resources

    Bookmark   May 25, 2010 at 12:44PM
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Good advice above. The sad truth is, this guy doesn't love you. You are 21. Lets say you live to be 70 years old. Do you really want to live like this for the next 49 years?? You need to start making your plans NOW to make a new life for yourself, before you find yourself pregnant or so depressed you can't pull out of it. I'm betting your family will help you. Life's too short...

    Bookmark   May 25, 2010 at 3:43PM
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Ask your mother for help. Tell her you made a mistake and ask her advice on how to move on.

Can you really say you love this man when he is so immature, nasty and irresponsible ? Is this the sort of person who you want as as the father of your children?

Use your head in making sensible decisions, don't be ruled by your heart or your emotions. This is your future life you are considering and you need to get on the right course.

Ask yourself what sort of marriage do you want.. and think about whether that is achievable with this person. In 10 years will you be where you want to be ?

I think you have done a wonderful thing by asking for advice, by admitting to yourself that you are having problems and you are confused and need guidance.

All the best to you.

    Bookmark   May 25, 2010 at 6:34PM
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Please listen to these good people.

Marriage is about MORE than love. It is about friendship and mutual respect, about everyday life, about sexual compatibility, about a business arrangement between two people and about making choices now that you can live with in 5, 10 or 20 years. Or more.

By all means, try to fix this marriage if you can, but if that fails, be courageous enough to be your own best friend and move on.

    Bookmark   May 25, 2010 at 9:26PM
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marriages for the sake of fixing immigration problems/problems with the law/financial problems etc never ever work

    Bookmark   May 25, 2010 at 10:43PM
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