Falling for an almost engaged girl... don't know what to do..

the_modernistMay 15, 2009

hey anyone out there,

so here's the deal.. started a job about a month and a half ago.. first day had an attraction to this girl.. but later found out she had a boyfriend for about a year now. We started to talk here and there and would hang out with other people from work together.. but then just last week we started to get friendlier with each other during work ours and txting and talking outside of work.. it all led to this past monday where we had a good day at work and I invited her out for a drink.. with other co-workers ofcourse.. we hit it off even more and proceeded to drink.. the others left, and it was just her and me.. we ended up going to my dad's house after the bar closed to hang out a bit more.. and we got physical.. really intense and passionate.. ended up going a lot further either of us would have expected.. she said she felt bad she did it because she loves her bf and was probably going to get engaged sometime soon, but she said she didn't regret it.

we proceeded to talk over the next couple days about what happened and was more open with our flirting and whatnot.. but she's holding strong to her current relationship.. which she should... the thing that get's me is.. she on atleast 4 occasions told me if she only met me a year ago, we'd be together. or if i didn't have a boyfriend i would be with you.. she's told me she's definately physically interested in me and shares that same feeling of a growing connection that I have.. she's all I can think of.. not just sexually, but in general.

I know i should just forget about her that way and move on.. but it's proving harder than I thought.. especially since we work together and we get along so perfectly and have that natural flirtatious interaction.

She's 29, planning on getting engaged sometime soon, and I'm 23 having ended a really long relationship about 8 months ago, so there might be some differences in timing in what we want in our lives within the coming years, but I really feel close to her.

I mean ideally I would love to be with her.. but it's looking like friendship is the only option.. i definitely dont want her out of my life.. so that's the only option.. but from prior experience.. it's really really tough

any advice or input into the situation??

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asolo

From your description, I read her as a typical self-involved twit. She's been with BF for a long time and pretends fidelity when in fact she's still testing the waters. She likes to know she's got what it takes. One or both of you men are being used by a woman who hasn't really grown up enough to be ready for marriage. Do you think one last hook-up will allow her to make that leap?

By the way....what, exactly, does "almost engaged" mean? Her "planning on getting engaged sometime soon" is meaningless.

Her female 29 against your male 23.....oh please don't hurt yourself over this one. She's just having fun, bucko. Enjoy it while you can, but don't be thinking there's seriousness going on in that head. She doesn't know what the word means. She's a player. If you don't mind, that's fine. But if you get hurt, she won't care.

    Bookmark   May 15, 2009 at 4:15PM
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tracystoke

she is just enjoying the attention you give her,she as absoloutly no intention of leaving her boyfriend,her excuses of, if it was a year earlier or if i didnt have a boyfriend are hilarious.Ive used them lines myself ,honestly,when i wasnt really in to somebody that is what i said ,she really does not want to be with you ,you are only 23 ,dont fall for her trap,she is playing games,blank her in future

    Bookmark   May 15, 2009 at 4:32PM
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the_modernist

you guys are more than likely right. and thanks for your honesty to help bring me back down to earth..

as for the "engaged soon" thing... her boyfriend told her a ring was coming soon.. atleast that's what she said.

i don't think she's a player though.. i've enjoyed myself through college and recently and know what it's like to be and be with players.. she's a bit different.. the fact that we stopped that night because she started crying about what she was doing helps her image out in that respect.. i mean it was my fault too.. knowing she was taken and i was there for her..

but generally, you're both probably right

she's never gonna leave him.. just found myself a bit overzealous to even think i had chance of coming between them.. i mean, i did it before with my long relationship girl.. but that was highschool.. being that shes 29 is a lot different

    Bookmark   May 15, 2009 at 5:07PM
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sweeby

Any woman who's considering marriage to a man she genuinely loves shouldn't act like she acted. If she's in love with him, she should never be kissing you. If she's attracted to you and enjoys flirting with you, she isn't fully committed to him and has no business considering marriage. Consider yourself lucky she isn't available, because it's bound to be a heartache for the guy that 'wins' her now.

    Bookmark   May 15, 2009 at 5:49PM
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asolo

Oh...and one more thing.....

29-year-old single women typically have something else on the front burner with the flame turned up. They want to begin having their babies right away. Is that what you're thinking at age 23?

    Bookmark   May 15, 2009 at 6:44PM
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biwako_of_abi

Asolo and Sweeby have hit the nail on the head. And if you had a ring on the way that you were going to give to someone, would you want her to do the things this woman did with another man? If not, then she certainly isn't "all I can think of.. not just sexually, but in general."

As for her crying when she realized she had done (You get a few points for admitting your part in all this.), well and good, but then why was she willing to talk about it over the next few days and be "more open about our flirting"? I would have expected her to say that she had gotten a wake-up call and was sorry, but in order to remain faithful to her almost fiance, she couldn't spend time with you any more.

If you think it's wrong and shouldn't or won't go anywhere, then you don't keep rehashing it and spending time with the other person. That is just plain tempting fate.

    Bookmark   May 15, 2009 at 9:02PM
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deborah_ps

And just a bit for the future...
Friends don't treat one another the way you two are...because friends care about the emotional well being of each other.
Don't let her get too far under your skin, because the longer you entertain the possibility of a future with her, the harder you'll fall.
She probably is a great fun gal...yet waaaay confused about commitments and doesn't look like she's going to change any too soon. Crying after things get out of hand? A girls way of wanting respect while she's acting disrespectful.
Save your heart for the girl who will cherish and respect you.

    Bookmark   May 15, 2009 at 11:03PM
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mom2emall

I think ASOLO hit the nail on the head. At 29 most women are thinking marriage and babies. So she has been with her bf for a year and wants to jump into all that because she feels her clock is ticking.

If she is flirting with you and let the situation get physical it just proves that her relationship with her boyfriend is just part of her "plan" to get married and have children. It shows that she is not completely in love with and committed to that guy.

But if she does leave him do you want to be the next guy she decides to "settle" with because her clock is ticking??

It sounds to me that she has the wedding and babies planned and any guy will fit into the picture.

    Bookmark   May 16, 2009 at 12:10AM
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amyfiddler

Not only all that but....

A normal, healthy, mentally stable 29 year old woman is NOT mentally attracted to any 23 year old male. That is a HUGE developmental age gap....

That tells me a lot about her maturity level. I mean, we cant "know" for sure, but in general, it's a pretty good indication. Kind of like when a 20 year old male is hanging around the high school age girls - the girls dont' see it as so strange, but everyone else is thinking "ewwww."

    Bookmark   May 16, 2009 at 11:27AM
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amyfiddler

PS not only that but....

When you fall "hard" for someone who refuses to be avaialable, it's time to pay attention to what's going on with you.

A healthy person will maintain boundaries around that type of situation. You have chosen to get mixed up in a mess where there is not a chance you will be together. This tells me that you are not really ready to be in a relationship either, so if you really look at it, know that if she dumped him and grabbed you up, the dynamics would change DRAMATICALLY. For all you know, the "naughty-ness" has added fuel to your fire, and without the secrecy and badness, it might not be so exciting.

Get out there and have some fun, young man, and put that little forbidden expereince in your diary for reflection another day. It's not worth another thought.

    Bookmark   May 16, 2009 at 11:34AM
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asolo

Agree with amyfiddler.

Could look at it this way. The law says you're full-blown citizen/adult at 21, so let's just use that number. Basically, you've been "in the club" for a couple of years. She's been there four times that long. The life-experience gap between you is huge.

Repeating....she knows this. She's playing.

    Bookmark   May 16, 2009 at 12:52PM
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silversword

Agree with those above. I'm 31, and I can tell you I wasn't interested in 23 year old men as partners when I was 26, let alone 2 years ago at 29. No offense, but men that age have not sown enough wild oats for me! Things change after 25, and again after 30. Any girl who would play this game with you while being engaged would play it with someone else while you were with her. Ask yourself if you want to be in the shoes of her poor (future?) husband.

"she said she felt bad she did it because she loves her bf and was probably going to get engaged sometime soon, but she said she didn't regret it. "

Wow. Now that's integrity. You say friendship is the only option? I don't think I'd want to be her friend either. Who has friends like that?

'oh, I love my boyfriend, but I'm going to flirt with my younger co-worker and then put myself in a compromising situation with him and possibly expose myself and my boyfriend (soon-to-be-fiancee) to diseases and I don't regret it one bit' *flashes dimples, lifts one pretty high - heeled foot off the ground and winks*

yeah. sounds like a great girl to me!

    Bookmark   May 18, 2009 at 1:13PM
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scarlett2001

Office romances are never a good idea anyway. One or the other will end up looking like a fool. "Never get your "meat" where you get your "bread".

I wonder if you are re-bounding from your previous relationship?? This attraction sounds like a physical thing, you don't even know her very well. Be cautious. Be your own best friend.

    Bookmark   May 18, 2009 at 8:01PM
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debo_2006

Just think, if she cheated on her BD with you, imagine who else she'll cheat with if the opportunity arises and she gets "that kind" of attention.

Consider yourself lucky that her heart is with the BF because if she left him for you, there's a sure bet she'd cheat on you with someone else down the road.

And, I agree for a 29 YO to be interested in a 23 YO isn't typical. When I was 29, those young ones didn't even get a second look because they were just that - too young. I think she's in lust of the attention you give her.

    Bookmark   May 19, 2009 at 10:17PM
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lee676

Not sure i'm in agreement with most of the above opinions, but...

(a) she clearly should not be getting engaged (to anyone) right now if what she's saying to you is true.

(b) if what she's telling you isn't true, you don't want to be with her anyway.

(c) Does her almost-fiance know that she's been seeing you? If not (which is likely the case), expect that she'll treat you the same way.

I have no problem with the 6yr age difference though. I've seen lots of strong marriages with a much wider gap than that; I myself have dated women 7 years older and, uh, 15 years younger without incident. You didn't indicate either your or her plan concerning kids though which obviously is a factor if you're into the parenting thing. She still has many childbearing years left though, she's not *that* old.

    Bookmark   May 23, 2009 at 1:43AM
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amyfiddler

My opinion is that the 6 year difference means nothing when the guy is 30 and she is 36. However, a 23 year old guy is predictably much less mature and typically desirable long term to a 29 year old woman than would be the typical dating pool of 30-33 year olds.

It's just information.

    Bookmark   May 23, 2009 at 2:16PM
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silversword

Exactly Amy. It's not the gap, it's the gap with these particular sets of numbers.

15 years is not a big deal when you're 30 and 45. When you're 20 and 35, it's a really big gap. Esp. if the woman is older (reading between the lines...more mature). Most women do not want a much younger man when they are still young themselves.

    Bookmark   May 26, 2009 at 11:35AM
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