When do you call it quits?

4mykidsMay 5, 2011

I have been married for 15 years. My husband has been a good provider, never abused me or the kids, but....

We have had heated discussions many times about what I expect and need his help with but each time it improves for a few months and then it is back to the same ole stuff. He has double standards for himself verses our 2 girls (12 & 8) If i ask him to do something for me it usually gets put off until he forgets because whatever is on the TV is more important but if he asks them to do something he no more than gets it off his lips before he is getting on to them for not doing what he asked. Over the years he has lied to me many times about trivial things to the point that I don't know when he is telling the truth or not. He stays up very late watching television and doesn't come to bed until I am well into my sleep. (the only time this doesn't happen is when he has sex on his mind) He only does anything around the house is when I am already doing it and he can tell that I am mad at him so he reluctantly gets up and joins in. He is not a spiritual leader and does not support my convictions to tithe. He claims to be a Christian but there is not much that would show that to the world.

I am frusterated and disheartened by his lathargy towards my needs and what God would have him to do. I feel that Marraige is forever but I also know that I am only 35 and don't want to sepend my life nagging him to do things. A year ago I sat down with him and told him how I felt and that if things continued this way I was going to call it quits. Things looked up and may not be back to that point but are surly starting to regress. I swore that I would not have that discussion again. A week ago I broke down and had it again. But I don't know how much more I can take. When you you call it quits? I don't feel that he is doing things the way that God would have him to and I don't feel that he is teaching our girls what a husband should be to a wife. I am not happy, I love him but I don't like him. What do I do?

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Is that it ,massive massive problems,Im being sarcastic,sorry to be rude but you sound like a spoilt brat.you need a reality check ,there is real problems in this world ,yours isnt one of them,i dont think he would be too botherd if you called it quits ,obviously god comes first.

    Bookmark   May 6, 2011 at 5:10AM
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Hi 4mykids. What you're going through is unfortunate - for all of you. (And no, you don't sound like a spoiled brat to me). You're not satisfied with your marriage or with your husband. What's trivial to one person isn't trivial to another. I "get it" that it's not the little things, it's all of the little things and bigger things rolled together.

You and your husband obviously don't share a core faith; it sounds from what you've written that you practice your faith and he doesn't. That can be a big issue. The other things you've mentioned would be annoyances to me, too, when all together as a package. Those things, though, are not foundational.

I hate to fall back on the standard "seek counseling" response, but it seems that you and your husband are both good people who need some unbiased assistance. I'm sure that he has his "list" of things about you, too. With some help, maybe you each could like each other again, and that, combined with the love you still feel, would be great.

Would your husband attend counseling with you? In my opinion, the marriage counseling only works when 2 people care enough to do it, listen, and practice.

(note to tracy: and you call Asolo rude???)

    Bookmark   May 6, 2011 at 9:05AM
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I Apoligised for being rude.I was aware of it,but come on,trivial is an understatement.these sort of people have never tasted real problems,op is alot luckier than she thinks,she needs to wake up and appreciate what she has got.bleeding nag ,no wonder he stops up late.

    Bookmark   May 6, 2011 at 11:34AM
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tracy, you're exceptionally revolting. Troll much? This is the "marriage" forum, not the "Only post if your husband is beating the crap out of you forum." This woman posting is unhappy in her marriage, and has every right to post here, so bugger off.

4mykids, I have to agree with suzieque; marriage counseling sounds like an excellent idea for the two of you. You both need to find again why you fell in love and got married. Or at least make absolutely certain that you've both had enough.

    Bookmark   May 6, 2011 at 12:24PM
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How does one counsel a person who already knows god's will? I mostly don't get religious orientations, so I can't bring much to this table.

"Or at least make absolutely certain that you've both had enough."

Disagree. Divorce and/or separation are most often one-person deals. "Both" may or may not come into the consideration.

Don't know breadth/depth of the dissatisfaction but it almost always distills out into one question: "Is this how I want to live my life?"

There's only one person who can answer that question.

    Bookmark   May 6, 2011 at 12:49PM
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Yes she has every reason to post on here,but its people like me that opens their eyes,I cant see a major problem with that post, its pathetic.I am a athiest so my blood boils when I hear of gods way,ive no respect where thats concerned.I Dont want a sympothy vote but my neice is in hospital waiting for bone marrow transplamt,my mother has a huge cancerous tumor in her stomach,my sons asking why dad not here,i could go on an on,my point is its TRIVIAL

    Bookmark   May 6, 2011 at 5:55PM
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In some ways you and I have had similar problems.

I am not religious. Perhaps you are putting too much reliance on your religious leanings to show you how to solve your problems ? Just a thought.

Anyway..my home life has improved a lot, because we moved out of the destructive home life we were heading for. We bought a vastly smaller house, in the city, with a tiny couryard.

In doing the move, we have reduced our financial outgoings, there is less housework, gardening etc. The are cafes, art galleries, parks, people, communities, just out the door. We walk everywhere. We do things together we enjoy !

I guess I am saying - sometimes if you change your circumstances things can be so different, and new challenges present themselve. In doing that, your focus on the difficulties that you are experiencing now, fade into the background. Or you can see things from a different perspective.

I realized that my DH was never going to be a person who "did things around the house" and I became resentful, that I was doing it all.

Perhaps some lateral thinking on your part might help you. You don't want to plod on in your life and become bitter and resentful. Sure you can see better ways for your DH to relate to your children, but don't become a "policeman" who picks faults in his fathering. I could see glaring faults in the way my DH related to our children, over the years, but I guess they have grown up now, and we often sit and talk about what went wrong when they were younger. He knows he did things wrongly and has made ammends. Perhaps your DH might relfect on that one day.

Tracystoke says your problem is not a serious one. Perhaps a better way to look at it - is that the problem is "fixable", it has the potential to be "fixed".

I will stop rambling now.

Good luck with it all.

    Bookmark   May 6, 2011 at 8:11PM
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If you are already thinking this way then just get out now...I wish my ex had done that, instead of stringing me along for 3+ years, having 2 affairs (I even forgave her for the first one...wtf was I thinking), have me put her thru college so she could become self-sufficient and THEN deciding it was over when she met my "replacement".

And I too was a very good provider, never strayed, worked my butt off so she could be a stay at home mom....nice of her to handle things like an adult.

If you decide it's over, do it like a grownup and don't take the cowardly path my ex took. She had every right to decide the marriage was over, we were very different, I'm social, lots of friends, activities, etc...she is not. I will never in a million years forgive her for how she strung me along for years.

Bitter you ask? Hell yeah...never wanted my kids to grow up spending half their time with mom and half with dad....

    Bookmark   May 11, 2011 at 4:23PM
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Popi makes some good points.I might add that you are 35 with 2 kids. I have no idea whether you have work skills, a job or an education. Sometimes it seems like there is a wonderful world out there waiting for you if you could only get rid of your husband. But even if you are startlingly beautiful, good natured and have a wonderful job, you are still going to be operating with 1/2 of the money you have now. If you remarry--a 2nd husband is not necessarily going to be crazy about your kids.
The decision to tithe is one a couple makes, and depending on their finances they may change that decision.
I don't visit these forums much anymore and am amazed that asolo is still here as so many people seem to get nasty with him and others.Tracystoke is entitled to her opinion, and she's got a point; 4mykids doesn't have unfixable problems. Altho if she believes she knows what God wants her husband to do I'd like to know how that works.
Think of this as a small room for discussions and
if some of you want to get really snotty with posters--ok
but you are going to be here alone soon.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2011 at 1:05AM
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Good to see you, marge727. Better with you than without.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2011 at 10:32AM
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If your husband isn't as religious as you are, I doubt the "God wants you to XYZ..." tactic is going to have much influence. In fact, that would rub me the wrong way entirely -- kind of a preachy, moralistic way to nag. You know, it's not *you* who are nagging, it's God.

That said, it's hypocritical for him to expect the girls to *jump* when he gives a request while ignoring them himself. A reasonable standard we use in our family for minor requests is *during the next commercial* and it's one we can all follow. (If the task takes longer than a typical TV commercial break, it's after this show.) And the enforcement is simply turning off the TV if the job isn't done.

Popi's suggestion about streamlining your life is also worth considering. Maybe a smaller house or a cleaning person or yard guy could make your life much more enjoyable. Maybe a chore list that everyone participates in could make a difference. Or maybe just a change of attitude on your part? So what if the house is a little untidy?

While the problems are annoying to you, they're of the *not the end of the world* variety, and being a single divorced mother may not be a better alternative. I'd give some serious effort to improving the marriage you have before tossing it in the trash.

    Bookmark   May 14, 2011 at 1:24PM
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4mykids, I agree with Popi and Sweeby. If you still love your husband, you would benefit from making changes in your life and thinking so that you stop expecting him to change. That is, if you can accept that he does not believe in God the way you do. If you are going to forever hold that against him, then you should leave.

But if you talk with your minister or priest, you may find that he thinks your husband is just fine the way he is. You have a responsibility to stop nagging. Talk with your husband calmly about solutions. If you live in a house and he won't cut the grass or keep up the maintenance, ask him if it would be better if you moved to a townhouse, for example. My husband was supposed to vacuum the house every week, but never got around to it unless we were having company. We ended up buying a robot cleaner. Yes, there is a cost. But if you talk with your husband and ask him to help you find solutions, he may see that he will have to pay for a service or do it himself. My point is that this is a less judgmental way to approach him.

    Bookmark   May 29, 2011 at 6:33PM
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All these concerns and no return in - what is it - 24 days?...after signing up on the day of first posting?

Nothing more. Typical.

    Bookmark   May 29, 2011 at 9:49PM
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