new army wife, but we have problems already?

bstearman18May 17, 2010

My husband and I just got marraid the beginning of the year. He's active military and we did, I admit, rushed into things. But I don't regret it. We have known each other for years and we wound up falling inlove while he was in Iraq last year. And for those that might be military, or have friends'family that are, yes I was completly faithful to him. My mother raised me to be honest. I even stopped going out to parties because it made him feel unconfortable thinking about me staying out all night partying. So I did.

When he came home from deployment we ran off and got married. The problem came when we moved in together. He was ETS'd to a different state so I ofcourse went with him. I honestly thought everything was going great, but I think it started when his friend stayed the week, and he was asking us how it was living with each other b/c his newly wed wife was on her way up here. I said it was great and my husband said it was hard adjusting to it. I didn't know that he had felt that way at all!

The second thing was I DO have trust issues that my husband knows about...he knows every guy I've ever been with has cheated/lied to me and he knew I would be a little over protective. But to be honest I have never trusted someone so much like I did with him. So I honestly never worried about him. Then one morning I woke up to his phone alarm, he was already out of bed so I turned it off but when I looked after that there was 8 text messages from someone I didn't reconize, being like I am I opened it and they where from a girl with a guy's name to cover it up....I read them and they where saying "I thought we where going to hang out last night what happend to you" "hey what are you doing" "why did you stop talking to me" things like I confront him about it, he completly lied to me and said (he's got a go phone so their numbers are reused when they cancle their service) that it was some random girl he didn't know and he was messing around with her pretending to be that guy she thought she was texting in the first like I said before I totally trusted him on it and I let it go...

But one night while he was on Staff Duty (meaning he works a 24 hour shift) I started feeling under confedent about us with my trust I went snooping around his computer and found another side of my husband I had no idea about....

he had those "sex profiles" the ones that are like myspace and facebook but the whore ones...he had three total and another myspace account saying that he was single on there...all of his sites he had he had his password saved on it and I sat there all night readying everything....from when we first got together while he was over in Iraq to just a few nights ago (from that night) it tore me up so bad, on the sex profiles he was a diffrenet guy, but on the dating sites he was "Mr. Perfect" to every girl...he would mold himself to be what that girl wanted him to be...and it made me think how he could do this....

then I noticed that one of the girls had the name that was close to the girl he didn't know on his phone....turns out it was her....and she lives in our town...

after that we had a huge fight (mainly me crying and screaming at him) and he kept saying sorry and that he didn't mean it the way I was taking it and explained to me he has been doing that for years with girls....meaning he would get girls to fall for him over the internet and in person then just stop talking to them completly...

that freaked me out because now I think he was playing mind games with me and I felt like the biggest loser because I was the one that married him...I looked at it like he was still playing that game with me and he was going to do "the ultimate" breakup.

He deleted all the sites and the girls off his myspace/facebook and all of his yahoo IM...

things are getting a little better...but I still get this feeling that he's still doing it and I can't get over's been about two months now....I constently go through all of his things on myspace, facebook and his email....if I had his password to his IM I would that too...but I just need help...I haven't found anything since then but I can't shake this off....I do love him very very much and I know love is trust, but really how do I get over being the crazy wife that goes through his phone and computer everyday? I feel bad when I do it and it's getting old....but really I can't stop looking at everything I can to re ensure myself he's not doing this again...

I know this is a lot and I wrote a book but I'm losing my mind and I can't go on with our marriage me being just as dishonest and invading his privacy like this....He's kept his promis to me but why can't I with him?

(sorry for all the misspelled words no time to check lol)

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You have a problem here. I'll encourage you to stop being a spy (that feels so crappy to do that stuff - it's addicting and crazy making, don't you think so?) and pay attention to what you do know and what you do feel. Speak to those things as often as you need to and by all means go talk to a marriage counselor who specializes in trust issues.

Sorry you're struggling -

    Bookmark   May 17, 2010 at 3:25PM
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why did you two get married again? He is possibly cheating and lying, you are spying, nothing good comes out of it. Go talk to an expert, marriage counselor and possibly a lawyer, and please do not have children.

    Bookmark   May 17, 2010 at 9:29PM
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Sorry this is happening to you. Once someone cheats and lies, I bet they continue. It is a pattern and porn sites like the ones you are describing are addictive, so he will continue to have these emotional affairs too. It is up to you to decide, do I want to continue being with a man I can't trust and who says he's single when in fact he is married? No good could come out of that. I suggest you both either go to counselling and see if he can stop visiting porn sites and cheating or you leave him.

    Bookmark   May 18, 2010 at 1:24AM
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I don't know how old he is, but it sounds like he is just not mature enough to be a married man. There is a chance that he will grow up, but do you want to be his mom until he does?

    Bookmark   May 18, 2010 at 2:30AM
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Sorry -- But he sounds like a chronic serial cheater.
And with his ability to cheat while deployed,
his propensity to cheat as demonstrated by his phone games,
and your trust issues rom your previous relationships and his games--

How can this marriage ever work?
I agree with FD -- DON'T get pregnant for goodness' sake, and see a counselor and a lawyer.
Chalk this one up to a youthful mistake (yours) and hit the esc. key on this marriage.

    Bookmark   May 18, 2010 at 2:52PM
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I figured I would get email alarts :) But what I think yall are getting out of this is the fact that yall think he's cheated....he's never cheated on was just the fact that he was talking to other girls (over the internet and the phone) and saying he was single when he's not. yes thinking about all of this is killing me, but when I got married I didn't think about divorce, and I don't think about divorce...I guess the advice I was seeking was how to fix our problem because to me, divorce is the last resort. My husband isn't a bad guy...he's just a little "stupid" He sees the way it hurts me even if it's been two months ago and I do see he's truely sorry for what he was doing, not because he got caught.

and just an FYI:: We aren't thinking about kids for a long long time....he's 22 and I'm 20, no need to rush children! lol

but i do thank everyone that replyed and I will keep the advice, I did take it to heart and it scares me to think that 4 out of 5 thinks I should leave when I just got here.

    Bookmark   May 20, 2010 at 7:48AM
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So here's the deal. We responded to information YOU gave to US. Interesting how common it is that folks will come here and draw the picture, we comment on what we see, and then you defend the subject in the picture.

Your husband has cheated on you. Cheating is about betrayal and secrecy.

Maybe that's okay for you though - and yes, you are scared, and yes, there's a reason for that, and the worst thing you can do right now is hunker down and believe all is well. You don't HAVE to leave him - you get to make your choices. But for the love of god, don't ignore this. Address it, have a bottom line for yourself, and take care of business. Don't even consider kids until this has all been resolved - not ignored, resolved -

Good luck.

    Bookmark   May 20, 2010 at 11:56AM
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bstearman, one of the things that jumped out to me the most in your original post was this:

"...explained to me he has been doing that for years with girls....meaning he would get girls to fall for him over the internet and in person then just stop talking to them completly..."

What kind of a person does that to another person? That's not just immature, it's cruel. Do you respect that? That's just an indication of the kind of person he is - he gets a kick out of inflicting pain. The fact that it's emotional pain doesn't minimize it.

Get out.

    Bookmark   May 20, 2010 at 11:59AM
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"it was just the fact that he was talking to other girls (over the internet and the phone) and saying he was single when he's not."

and that's OK with you, why?

    Bookmark   May 20, 2010 at 7:32PM
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"My husband isn't a bad guy...he's just a little "stupid" "

hahahahaha it will be my new punch line "he is just a little stupid", nice guy but just a little stupid hahahah that's too funny, I imagine telling my parents, I am going to marry this guy, he is nice just a little stupid hahahah I can't stop laughing

    Bookmark   May 20, 2010 at 7:36PM
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I don't know what to say other than I don't know...I feel like everyone diserves a second chance. No, I don't think what he did was okay at all. And I'm not TRYING to defend him....I guess it's hard when it's your husband. But from my past, it could have been so much worse. If flirting over the internet is considered cheating than I am guilty of that too. Not in my marriage but in my past. I think I will take the advice to go seek help. and I'll probably go a lone for a while becuase I need some of my issues listened to first and worry about my well being. If my husband agrees to go too, than I know we can really work it out, if not it'll really show me if he's really willing to change. But I do thank ya'll for your opinions, atleast now I know I'm not crazy for taking it the way I am...besides the whole crazy wife going through all his things...

and FINEDREAMS: Glad I could make you laugh, I didn't literally mean he's stupid, he's actually very smart...poor word choice on my half :) How about :: he's not a bad guy just did something stupid. better? ;)

and one more question for ya'll....He doesn't know that I do go through he's computer & phone...and since that night I haven't seen anything at all, I mean doesn't that count for something? I do feel like that's a huge sign of he's trying.

    Bookmark   May 21, 2010 at 7:35AM
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I used to know these 2 guys, both married, the one had 2 children. These 2 guys would go to a bar and see how many women they could get to want to leave with a contest. The one guy would go home to his wife.....the other one...would go home with a girl.

From what your saying, I believe your DH is not just bedding you. It's an ego thing, thrill of the hunt. Your already bagged.

    Bookmark   May 21, 2010 at 4:07PM
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To be completely honest, I think he sounds sort of like a sociopath because of this: "...explained to me he has been doing that for years with girls....meaning he would get girls to fall for him over the internet and in person then just stop talking to them completly..."

Something isn't quite right with a person that does that, but I don't think that's the truth anyway. Why would a happy, newlywed be on all those sex sites AND have a fake myspace acct? Why would he purposely start talking to a local girl on these accounts, and by the sound of her texts...planned to meet up with her. I'm sorry but he does indeed sound very much like a BAD guy.

I'm sorry, but I think you are in for a sad and deceitful marriage. If he cheated on you once and came clean about it, I would tell you that you two should go get some marriage counseling and try and work it out. But do you really want to be with someone for the rest of your life who is that much of a liar? And possibly a sex addict? You are so young and would have plenty of time to find an honest, good man who would treat you well and never deceive you.

If you are dead set on trying to make it work, INSIST on a marriage counselor, and find a good one. If he refuses, then there is your answer.

And please, please, please...go to your doctor and get some STD testing done (just in case).

    Bookmark   May 21, 2010 at 6:12PM
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'If flirting over the internet is considered cheating than I am guilty of that too. Not in my marriage but in my past."

for a single person it might be a silly way to spend time but it is not cheating, for a married person yes it is inappropriate and yes it is cheating. you do not sound mature enough to be married if you think flirting on the Internet is Ok for married people. it is not OK.

also if he truly is trying to get girls fall for him and then stops seeing them without explanation then not only he is "a little or a lot stupid' he is also not a nice person. you must have very low expectations of men if you think he is a nice guy.

it is funny how in the first post you described a complete moron but as you got responses all of a sudden he is a nice guy and does nothing wrong, bizarre

    Bookmark   May 21, 2010 at 8:11PM
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"...every guy I've ever been with has cheated/lied to me..."

Plus this one, obviously. I've never known why you gals agonize so over calling these creeps out on their sleaziness. You've described an active and enthusiastic predator. If you think you're going to tame that down at age 22 and military you've got a rude awakening coming right up.

Hope you've got a backup plan. No babies, please.

    Bookmark   May 21, 2010 at 8:11PM
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"I mean doesn't that count for something?"

it does. he is hiding better, deletes the history and using different sites, using his friend's computer, plenty of ways to lie

    Bookmark   May 21, 2010 at 8:52PM
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Do you *honestly* believe he's not even flirting online anymore?
And are you completely comfortable that he'll be faithful to you while he's deployed and his buddies all go off tail-hunting?

Because if you don't seriously believe that, and if you don't trust him 100% to be faithful, then what you have isn't really a good marriage. You can admit it now, get a quickie divorce, and try again in a little while as a woman who's older and wiser. Or you can string this thing out until you catch him again and he admits it but promises never to do it again,
or 'sorta' catch him but don't have 100% proof and he denies it,
or maybe just 'smell a rat' but can't prove it beyond a doubt.
This gut simply doesn't sound 'beyond a doubt' trustworthy.

Honestly, I'm NOT one to give up on a marriage easily, and ended up staying in a bad marriage for a long, long time. But now that I'm older and wiser, I'd say take a good hard look at what you've got, and without cleaning it up and 'fixing' him (he won't change) -- decide if that's the marriage you want. Then decide. If it's not the marriage you want, End It! You've got no kids. You don't *have* to try to work it out. Unless you see concrete proof that he's really, really changed, I honestly wouldn't believe it.

And new passwords is certainly NOT proof that he's changed.
If anything, it's proof that he hasn't.

    Bookmark   May 23, 2010 at 10:25PM
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