Help my marriage is falling apart!
I am a full time stepmom of 2 boys and a girl.I also have 2 children from my pervious marriage.My husband and i dated for 2 years before we decided to get married and become a blended family.Unfortunetely,ever since we got married my life has become a true nightmare.Every day i struggle to get out of bed and face the reality of this horrid life i am living.Let me try and give a little background history to what i am facing.
My husband had a very rocky marriage with his x-wife,who had a bipolar disorder.He stayed in the marriage for 10 years trying to help her get better,thinking that he could somehow "fix her" and make her happy.She was raped by her father as a child,and her mother sent her to live with her aunt when she found out about it.She then returned to live with her mom when she was a teenager and ended up getting pregnant at 14.Then her mom made her give up the baby for adoption.My husband was unaware of this at the time they met,and after marriage found all this stuff out.
My husband is an only child and has a very controlling and narsasistic mother,whom he says he "wanted to get away from" so badly-he got married.So from the very beggining it was a recipe for disaster.They were two young kids,unprepared for marriage and life in general.Obviously the marriage was a joke,and when they became parents it only got worse.During those 10 years they had 4 children together.Although my husband has his doubts with the twins being his,he has raised them as his own-so they are his.She ended up dissapearing altogether once i became involved with him and basically set some boundaries.Before i came along,she would come and go as she pleased.While he was at work she would come to the house and wash her clothes,eat his food,use the computer and make long distance calls and then leave before the kids came from school.All this while she payed no child support,and never visited the kids.All in all,she is not involved and frankly i don't think i would have stayed if she hadn't.
Although i was aware that things would not be easy from the very beggining,i had no idea that it would get as bad as it has.After we got married-i started to see just how bad his kids behaviors really were.I thought that they all had alot of pain from the mom's abandonement-but eventually living in a stable,loving home would make things alot easier on them.I read every book and article on behavior modification techniques and set up my own system for them.I saw dramatic improvements within a few months and after alot of hard work and frustrations i felt it was starting to finally pay off.Then it happened...My daughter and my stepdaughter (5 and 6)both came to me and disclosed how my oldest stepson had been sexually abusing them,and waking them up at night to do it.We then spoke to his brothers,who also admitted to being touched and threatened to keep quiet about it.My oldest son was the only one he did not abuse.Although he did admit he had "tried" and my son had called him a "gaylord",and he had said it was an "accident".
We then spoke to him and he "admitted" that they were telling the truth but he had only done in for the past 2 weeks.(this from a child who lies about eveything)
We decided to send him to his grandma's house and speak to his therapist-who in turn had to report it to CPS.As you can imagine,their involvement was a nightmare.All the kids had to be interviewed,evaluated and medically examined.They also set up "services" for all the kids and they each had 3 hours of therapy every week.
All the kids began to improve,except for the oldest who refused to talk about it,and began to blame my daughter for starting it.Ofcourse the fact that his gramdma openly blamed my 6 year old for "seducing her grandson" at a meeting with the CPS caseworker-didn't help.She also took him camping,to New york,and to Disneyworld.She said she wanted him to keep his mind off the fact that he "couldn't see his siblings,whom he missed so much".To make a long story short,due to her "negative influence" he was unable to make any progress in therapy in a year and ultimately he was put in foster care to complete an "offender" program.
The foster parents have had alot of problems with him and his behaviors-and he has alot of them.He is extremely disrespectful and aggresive,lies constantly,he refuses to take any responsabilty for his behavior and instead blames and defends himself till no end when he is confronted.My husband just had a meeting with his doctor who believes he may be manic-depressive like his mother.Now they are talking about him coming back home and living with his grandmother again,since he can't live here.The problem is his grandmother spoils this kid to no end and has contributed to his emotional problems with her "defending him"and running to his rescue.At the same time she is very controlling and will make demands on my husband about how much time he needs to spend with him and how he needs to make him a "priority" so that he will get better.Just recently she has began to tell me how he "needs to visit his siblings,and how it would help him so much if he could since he misses them so much.She also said that he will be so much better once he is back and he can spend time with my husband and I...Its so hard to have to bite my tongue and not say something like..."ofcourse he does,he has nobody to abuse physically and emotionally"like he has done to them all their lives.Then add...i have no desire to visit with your grandson lady,he stole my daughter's innocense for gods sake!I could really care less what's best for him!I'm struggling to help my daughter put back the peices and heal from his abuse-tell me how this would benefit her?Oh i forget,he is the victim here right?Give me break....
The rest of the kids are all scared of him,and although they sometimes mention missing him,the mostly talk about how cruel he was and how he would enjoy hurting them.He was abusing his little sister,way before i came into the picture i believe-(she use to sneak into his bed every night)so she is especially "confused"about how to show love.She is so sexualized that she cannot play with her brothers without trying to climb on them,grab them,or try to lay on them.
This just all seems like too much for me,i feel as if i am in a no -win situation here.I don't want to leave my husband and abandon my stepkids,but at the same time i don't want to have to spend the rest of my life feeling so resentful and angry.My children are my life,and i feel so guilty to have put them in this situation altogether.I really feel for the child,but he is very mentally ill-and i can only imagine what he will be like once he becomes a teenager,especially living with his grandmother who thinks he is so sweet and special,but misunderstood by everyone.So she spoils him to try to make him feel better and make up for the horrible "childhood"he is having....(he is 11 now,10 when he was discovered to be abusing the children)We still have court involvement and CPS is still involved.He is suppose to be in treatment for another year and then return to his Grandma's house.I just don't know if i am going to be able to handle that.I just can't imagine having any contact with him-knowing what he did to my little girl....My husband also has very mixed feelings about what he "should do" and what he "can handle" emotionally.He has had a really hard time dealing with all the stress realating to this kid,and struggling to help him for years in therapy.But He has had really high blood pressure and chest pains so bad he had to go to the ER.Sometimes i think he is going to have a heart attack because he gets so overwhelmed.I dread when he calls him on the weekends because he is so upset afterwards that he just sits there and stares at the wall.
When this happens,i am stuck with all the child-rearing and chores by my self.So all of the children suffer,and i do too since he is unavaialbe to our family.Its really hard to be supportive when it comes to the relationship with his son-because every inch of my body wants to yell-"WHO CARES ABOUT YOUR SON ! HE ABUSED MY BABY!!"
I just don't know what to do anymore,i feel guilty for feeling this way-but i can't help it.Should i just leave and give up on all this?Sometimes i feel as if the dreams we had for our future are just shattered way beyond reapair...so im just setting myself up for a train wreck here.Whatever way i look at it,it just seems hopeless.Dealing with this child and his grandmother=2 emotionally unstable people.That's just not the type of people i want to have to cope with in my life,its too emotionally draining on me.And it just makes this family totally dysfunctional.I feel for my stepkids,because i don't think they will ever be able to bond again to another woman if i leave-since they all call me mom,and tell everyone "i am the best mom in the world-better than their old mom"..This is just killing me.I just don't know how this marriage is going to work..Sorry for such a long vent-but i just needed to do it.Please let me know your thoughts on this.Im just so confused about all this.I have been seeing a therapist also-its just not helping.Any advice would be greatly appreciated...
Thank you in advance,
A very Tired Step-mom