Not sure if this is nothing or something?

catlettuceMay 11, 2012

I posted earlier on the marriage lacks intimacy post, for a little background.

Yesterday I was trying to recall my daughter in laws email and could not find it in my email. Now my husband and I are open with eachother when it comes to passwords and pin codes, so I went into his email to retrieve our daughter in laws email. Much to my surprise there were messages and chat invites from a cheating website. So I followed the trail.

My husband registered using a pretty obvious screenname, and a different city. I easily got into his profile and it does not appear that he has answered any of these messages/chats. Just looks like he registered to look around I am guessing.

I'm not sure what if anything to do with this info. I admit evilly my first thought was to print up the profile and post it on our fridge for him to find but then thought I'll just sit on this for a bit and then make a decision. I don't feel trust for him now for the first time in our lives together. Which REALLY makes me not want to be intimate with him.

I know if he saw that I had done something like that it would be a massive blow-up. My question is, do men sometimes register at these sites just to look or is it typically because they are looking for a fling? Something or nothing? Leave it alone or confront?

~Cat

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catlettuce

I found another one. His profile said Just seeing whats out there..Sigh..I can't do this.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2012 at 5:15AM
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silversword

Oh (((((((((((((Cat!!!))))))))

I am so sorry. I'm glad you have your own house. Sounds like he's not appreciative of what he has. His loss.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2012 at 4:46PM
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catlettuce

Thanks Silver. I am just so sad, like my heart has been ripped out. I cannot even figure out how to bring it up to him. We had a nice day today with the kids and he is being as sweet/good to me as ever but now all those things just make my heart hurt. Ugh. What a mess. I feel betrayed, even if he's "just seeing what's out there" according to his profile obviously he's at least thinking about having an affair. I'm uncomfortable and uneasy about bringing it up. Don't know what to expect.
-Cat

    Bookmark   May 12, 2012 at 9:45PM
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catlettuce

I did confront him, told him exactly what happened and how I discovered it. I stressed to him if there was something going on just tell me and we could end this peacefully/civilly, because I did not sign up for an open marriage.

And that if he was doing this he should think about changing his password etc instead of just leaving it all open. He said no, he is an open book and he absolutely was not looking to cheat and that he got stuff like that in his email "spam" all the time, but before we married he did sign up for a few sites. I did go back and check his computer and he has not answered even one of these messages as far as I can tell.

Do I believe that he didn't join one of these since we married-um I am not sure. Why would you join a cheat site if you were single? Some parts of it don't make sense to me. He told me why would he even think about it when he had me and that he loved me and was in for the long haul. I so want to believe and trust in him. He really is not a cheater type of guy and when i mentioned this to a close friend she said absolutely not there had to be an explanation..soooo....anyway..that's kinda where it is right now. He did agree to do his best to delete these accounts and believe me I will check and am well verserd on how to hack into a computers history even after it's been deleted. So we shall see. I'm still a bit stunned over all of this.

~Cat

    Bookmark   May 13, 2012 at 8:04PM
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ellendi

Since things are now in the open will you be addressing the intimacy issues that have been bothering you?

    Bookmark   May 14, 2012 at 5:02PM
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asolo

I think you may be making a mistake. Not about your husband's intentions -- I know nothing about them -- but in your deciding to live as a spouse in limbo indefinitely. Which means, because of your suspicion, you will be, too. If you think this shouldn't be let go, I'm thinking pursue it to a conclusion/resolution now and get it behind you. BOTH of you.

You described that he fessed up and gave you several assurances. He's not going to be happy if he thinks he's living under your investigative cloud and you're not going to be happy being constantly suspicious. I don't think a husband and wife should live like that. This thing needs to be resolved and forgotten, IMHO.

    Bookmark   May 14, 2012 at 5:47PM
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silversword

My ex did the same thing. And he said he did it before we were married. Hit CTRL + H and get the browsing history. You should be able to tell the last time he visited those sites.

Then you'll have to tell if you can live with that, or not.

    Bookmark   May 15, 2012 at 4:36PM
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catlettuce

Thanks All.
@ Ellen, yes we have addressed these intimacy issues and again we are sexually active though it has declined for several reasons some beyond my control (had to have surgery)I'm since recovered but Yes I have again & again addressed my painful (at times) breasts. I have fibrocystic breasts and sometimes they are just tender. He gripes about it ,makes little comments "You never give em up." etc..He has gone with me for my abnormal breast workups the past 2 yr.s so he knows it's real but I think he thinks it doesn't hurt as bad as it does. Yet still sometimes I suck it up and deal because I want him to enjoy sex and I know it makes him happy. But I'm not going to do that when they are extremly painful. There are other parts of me too..Jeez you all must think I have some rack-but I assure you they're just average boobies.

Anyway Yes, Asolo, I agree I do not want to live a life of suspision and not trusting him. I either have to take his word for it, trust what he says and let it go and hopefully he is sincere. But burn me twice and I'm done. He knows, I have made it clear to him and gave him plenty of opportunity to come clean if there was anything going on.

In my heart I feel he was looking for a potential sexual partner. But I don't want to make a decision based on anger and hurt. I need to be more clear headed and sure of what is or is not going on.

I did find it telling tonight that someone kept texting him and I asked who kept texting-and he got very defensive and said I acted like I was accusing him of something. Umm, no. Just wondered who it was and he asks me the same thing all the time. Nothing to hide here. It was our daughter in law. But why not just say that? Ugh.

Thank you Silver for the tip. I can check his deleted history as well, and may once more to see if anything has continued. But I don't want to running to the computer everyday to try and catch him doing something. There's either trust or there isn't and I'm just not sure how I feel about that now.

I mean if you don't have trust, what is there anymore?

~Cat

    Bookmark   May 16, 2012 at 1:00AM
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silversword

Cat, honey. He should be getting you ice packs and heating pads and kissing EVERY part of you that's NOT your breasts.

JMO

    Bookmark   May 16, 2012 at 11:04AM
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sylviatexas1

I can't get as far as the computer site;
I'm still gobsmacked by the callous & narcissistic attitude this guy takes toward your pain & the sense of entitlement & ownership he exhibits for your body.

"You never give 'em up"???

so if you grabbed some sensitive part of his anatomy & squeezed until he hollered, do you think he'd feel obligated to "give it up" for your pleasure?

Putting one's own greedy satisfaction ahead of the pain one inflicts on one's partner is the kind of thing you might expect from a marauding army, not from a spouse/partner/lover.

I suspect that a man who, once caught doing something he shouldn't have done, declares himself an open book & invites you to observe anything you want...feels secure that he's hidden his secrets where you can't find them.

    Bookmark   May 17, 2012 at 2:26PM
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tracystoke

exactly what I was thinking sylviatexas.I suspect he is a dirty pig.In the past I have spoke to many men on the net who are married,who wanted alot more than chit chat.

    Bookmark   May 18, 2012 at 5:26AM
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catlettuce

Yup Sylvia, that certainly does give me pause. Silver I do have to give the guy his due, he did take excellent care of me after surgery-so much so that I was ready for him to go back to work the next day. He is a good care taker for certain, and always if I don't feel well, but I do for him too and that's nice.

I have flat out told him to come clean now if he has anything going on and maybe we could work it out. He denies everything except having those profiles before we married. That part I am not buying-I've gone on his computer/email before and have never seen these sites for years. I'm not stupid. they dont just appear with a profile completed for you if you've not been there. Though my son who isn't particularly close to my DH at all said he thinks he was maybe just looking on the site and did it out of curiousity. He doesn't think he would ever actually cheat. Hmm.

So I am going to give him the benfit of a doubt and just try to keep going on with life until until I feel secure in any decision I may have to make.

I do wish he would not say things like that because I'm serious it's every single day. That just totally shuts me down emotionally and I can't feel an emotional bond with him and then it's hard to be loving. I got so annoyed with it the other night I told him to go pet the dog and she'd happily give em up, lol. I guess he wasn't liking that response and went to sleep. :0)

One good thing is my son who is engaged said he will never do the online porn thing because he doesn't even want to think about how devestated his girl would be or the six different ways she might kill him.

My gut tells me this; I don't think DH cheated YET. I do think he was thinking about it. I think perhaps I may have nipped his curiosity in the bud or he will learn to be discreet. And if it's the second I know I'll find out because he is really bad at telling lies & keeping secrets.

~Cat

    Bookmark   May 18, 2012 at 10:59AM
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amyfiddler

I think you're missing the point.

Absense of trust in a rx is the problem. waiting for a specific behavior changes nothing. The two of you have a serious problem right now - and you are minimizing your reaction to it.

    Bookmark   May 20, 2012 at 5:35PM
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catlettuce

I follow you Amy, I guess I'm just not sure what else to do other than be honest with him and assume he is doing the same.

I have completely laid my cards on the table and he is agreeable. I can't continue to bring it up over and over again and expect us to recover. Honestly I'm not sure what else to do other than live my life and hopefully regain my trust that it won't happen again, but that takes time.

Counseling is a no-go for him. I'm certainly open to suggestion and respect your opinion..

~Cat

    Bookmark   May 23, 2012 at 12:59AM
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BentleyM

I've known of dudes that register on those sites purely as a curiosity. I've also known some that registered with intent to cheat. He knows how you feel about it now. Even if he lied about when he registered he'll cease that activity if he truly loves you and is committed to your relationship.

    Bookmark   May 23, 2012 at 1:59AM
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lee676

I'm actually inclined to believe your husband in this scenerio. If he were trying to cover his tracks, he wouldn't be doing this using a shared email account, using an obvious screenname, and not clearing his browser history.

    Bookmark   May 26, 2012 at 2:52AM
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catlettuce

Thank you, Bentley and Lee-and everyone else too. Actually he has ceased all this activity as I requested. I did one last thorough computer & cell phone sweep a few days ago and nothing, no new email accounts/or visits to those sites.. I feel pretty confident in letting this go.

I've made it clear to him my position on this and he hasn't given me reason to distrust or suspect anything. He has not been receiving any emails or messages from these sites since this all went down. So, anyway my update is I have nothing to update.

All is well, we are communicating well and I daresay I think that is the end of his internet "browsing".

~Cat

    Bookmark   June 2, 2012 at 2:21AM
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silversword

((((CAT))))

    Bookmark   June 5, 2012 at 10:45AM
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phoggie

Cat, it has been months since I have checked out this forum but my own world has been turned up side over....my DH unexpectedly passed on NYE, sold my house, got away from DH's embezzling son and family, moved back to my home area and preparing to build a house....talk about stress.......anyway, tonight I thought I would check to see "if" you had any posts....and here you were!

Long ago you were struggling with this same guy......so why are you still pitting up with someone who is continually treating you so badly for long? Just think back...hasn't he put so much stress on you in this relationship?...has it really been worth it?

I really think he is "looking" again or it would not be in his searching.

Phoggie

    Bookmark   July 22, 2012 at 8:57PM
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catlettuce

((((Phoggie)))) I am so sorry for the loss of your DH!!
That is so sad and I hope you are doing well in spite of all this stress..

Glad you got away from DH's son. Ironically things between DH & I have fine-no further signs of his looking, nor really any time for him to do so. I really do think in hindsight he was just doing some internet ogling.

But SS and his new wife have financially overextended themselves (again!) and I am growing tired of DH paying their phone bill plus paying their household bills before ours.

I'm not sure where it's going but he cannot and will not let this adult child struggle through any hardship even of his own doing. Therefore he never stops indulging, buying, vacationing etc-and we can't do or go anywhere because we're tight on money. In fact I cancelled my vacation with my family in July we were so tight on funds.

I have a kid in college working his butt off full time and carrying 16-20 credits each semester and I'd like to be able to help him with a few bucks-yet he (my son)wouldn't even dream of me paying his phone bill. So sick of these kids in their 30's making more money than DH & I combined bleeding us dry.

I'm just not understanding it. Part of me wants to leave him over it yet other than this our relationship is comfortable and happy. I guess I am resentful because my Ss & his wife just buy, buy, buy, vacation, get go-karts, hunting stuff etc. The never want for anything-and then they come crying to my DH when then run out of money and cant pay their bills. Our dil actually was worried because she couldn't breast feed their newborn due to mastistis and they couldn't afford formula. Really?! Come on! When do I get to go on vacation or buy new furniture without worrying about paying my bills?

Oh and they want to have another "big" wedding/party this fall now that dil isn't pregnant, DH is all for it (good thing cause he'll probably be paying for it). But when I wanted to renew our vows after ten years that was stupid-He said once was enough he didn't need to do it again.

Calgon take me away. Just seems like DH & I are expected to make all the sacrifices so the kids can continue to live beyond their means. Can't discuss with DH as he gets very defensive about it. Nothing is to much for them. I don't mean to sound so bitter, but it's tough to see my husband killing himself with a very physically demanding job, I'm working full time and going to school and we are barely squeaking by. But all SS & DIL have to do is make bad financial decisions and they get rewarded for it. It's wrong and they don't care that DH has nothing left to retire on. It makes me feel jealous & resentful that DH feels they deserve everything he's got before we take care of our own stuff. I love them but I think they are so very selfish to do this to us at our age. :0(

~Cat

    Bookmark   August 19, 2012 at 3:07AM
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