What happened?

cupojoeMay 1, 2007

My fiance and I have been together for over six years. We have lived together for three. We just got engaged in December. Up until recently, we have had a great relationship. We enjoy all of the same things, golf, fishing, bike riding, wine tasting... We would do fun new things all of the time. But it seems as though he has changed since we were engaged. He has recently been going out with his friends a lot. This is something he used to do, but never as much as he does now. He is gone anywhere from two to four nights a week and at least one day on the weekends. Also, he seems to get mad at me at the drop of a hat. It seems that anything I say irritates him. I asked him a question about his work the other day, and he started yelling at me about how I shouldn't question his judgement. The question may have come out wrong, but he has never been so irrational. When I asked him why he is never home, he gets very defensive. He has told me that he goes over to his friends house because he is bored at home. I have tried to do things to keep him happy, but last I checked, I was not put on this earth to entertain him 24 hours a day. One of our biggest problems has been this one friend of his. I think the guy is a real jerk. My fiance has known him for years, but just started hanging out with him around the time we got engaged. His friend is married with six children, but drinks and smokes weed all day long. In the same house where his children are! He is very cocky, abrasive, and insulting, and I just don't like him. My fiance thinks he is one of the best people he has ever met. I have expressed my feelings about him towards my fiance, and he defends him. I feel like the man I am engaged to is not the same one that I have spent the last six years of my life with. We have not set a date for the wedding, and at this rate, I am not going to. I have asked him if he wants to end our relationship, or take a break. He always tells me no, and that he loves me. Is this cold feet, or did it take me six years to see his real side. Please help me. I love this man, and cannot see my life without him. However, I can't see me getting married to someone who does not want to be around me.

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asolo

You and jmd7979 appear to have the same problem. However, your statement: "I love this man, and cannot see my life without him." doesn't match your description of the man. You can't see your life without an inconsiderate doofus who is bored with you and prefers jerky doper-friends? That's the life you have in mind for yourself? Wake up, woman. Serious reality check...right now. Your description is of "deal breaking" behavior in my book. Don't be marrying and making babies with this fellow.

    Bookmark   May 1, 2007 at 1:46PM
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coolmama

I dont know what to tell you. Stand up for yourself and tell him if the constant going out and hanging out continues,you are done! If he doesnt listen to you,I hate to tell you this,but he doesnt love you.
When a man is in love with a woman,HE WANTS TO SPEND TIME WITH HER~

    Bookmark   May 1, 2007 at 3:58PM
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debo_2006

From reading your post, I see one thing that is obvious. Your fiance is picking up the traits of his friend (ignorance, insults, etc). As long as he hangs around him, he will continue to be like this. He probably sees how his friend talks to his wife and thinks he can get away with it with you.

I'd let him know that you've seen a huge change in what used to be a wonderful person and that this change happens right around the same time "they" began to hang out. Let him know that you don't like the person he's become, and it's jeopardizing your future together. You don't need a detached person like that - no one does. Besides, what will happen if you have kids. Will they become solely your responsibility while he visiting his dope smoking friend 5 days a week or more.

Be straight with him. After all, if the tables were turned, I'm sure he'd approach you on the matter. If he lets other people influence him that much, perhaps he's an insecure person to begin with.

    Bookmark   May 1, 2007 at 6:34PM
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asolo

"Your fiance is picking up the traits of his friend,,,,,"

Listen to this. Consider this. When he's done with this jerk, there will be others. This is where his values and ideas will come from. He is weak in that way. However, he will make your life terrible. If he hasn't yet, he will soon blame you.....for everything.

If you think you can straighten him out, by all means proceed....aggressively....at once. But consider, too, if this is how you want to spend your life...straightening him out?

Madame, there are better men than this. This is what they call a "clue"! This is a fatal flaw. Get out.

    Bookmark   May 1, 2007 at 8:57PM
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