Very Very Confused...this is long

jon___sMay 27, 2009

Here's the low down...

i'm 30, she's 28...we dated for 10 years, married last august. during the dating time we broke up a couple of times due to misc issues...I had strong feelings that this person wasn't right for me, but having (and still have) self-esteem issues, plus not wanting to be alone or hurt their feelings...I stuck around and gave it another try...everything about us is the opposite..the music we like, I like sports, she doesn't..etc etc..there were times that were really good, but times were not soo good either...she's always been paranoid that I would leave her...she is very needy on the emotion side..which i'm not..I like showing my feelings in my own way...she also likes control...i'm ranting..all these things are things that have always pushed me away from her, but I always ignored my instincts and never dealt with them...until 1 month ago. I'm climically depressed with A.D.D. which i'm treating with counselling and meds...which is all going well...since my mind has cleared and i've taken back an interest in helping myself in all ways, I've gotten an incredible intense wave of confusion..like what am I doing here? I feel like i woke up from a night of getting drunk to find out I'm married, and have a house, no kids..but she now wants them and keeps talking to me about them...There have been things in my life that I have no been able to do, nor will most likely ever be able to do..I lost my entire 20s life to this relationship. I feel like crap knowing that I didn't address these issues and ended it then...but nnow I feel the need to. I thought it was just me and stress and to sleep on it, and things will get better, but the feelings haven't gone away. She asks my why I love her all the time...to this day, i've never given her an answer...I don't know why....Here's the kicker...I met someone online via an online game I play regularily. She is in australia (I'm in canada) she's younger, friendly, funny, brutally honest, no BS in her words, but caring. She has grown very fond of me, as I have of her and at one point wished things were different. After a couple of weeks of talking to her she realized that our situations are completely different and friends are the only thing we could have at the moment. With this being said, I thought these emotions i'm going through were due to the possibility of being with her, giving myself a reason to leave...but knowing that nothing can come of this I figured the emotions would go away...they haven't..I still don't want to be in this situation...I feel the need to pack my things and leave...go do my own thing on my own terms...weather I get to meet my friend from aus. or not...I really truely feel I made the wrong decisions...I've talked to 2 different ppl..one tells me to do what will make ME happy...from what they know of me, I tend to worry what others think..which is true..so it's time to take care of myself and do what is going to make me happy....the other person says to grow up and take responsibility in the decisions i've made..right or wrong..the only problem with that I see is do I live a emotionless marriage, have a child with all of that missing...to me that is not fair to any of us...

Sorry this is long and all over the place..you can tell i'm really confused...I need opinions, and ideas...got any?

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tracystoke

DO NOT HAVE A CHILD,that will not make things better ,just alot worse.Its very clear you should split up,youve wasted too many years as it is,it isnt going anywhere,get out and get happy,xx

    Bookmark   May 27, 2009 at 11:30AM
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sue36

You have strong feeling she isn't right for you and you wonder why she's needy and lacks self esteem? Are you kidding me? Walk away and leave, you will be doing your wife an enormous favor, she won't waste her 30s waiting for you to get your $hit together.

    Bookmark   May 27, 2009 at 11:33AM
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jon___s

I feel like i'm being selfish? Does this make sense?

    Bookmark   May 27, 2009 at 11:41AM
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sweeby

I'll second Tracy's advice to NOT have a child right now,
and add NOT to make any plans based on an online fantasy romance with a woman half-way around the world.

Beyond that, sticking with counselling and getting your own act cleaned up should be top priority.
You need to figure out who you are and what kind of life you want.
Figure out why you stayed with this woman for 10 years -- what good reasons and what bad ones.
Then figure out if you should continue to stay with her.
Even if the reasons you stayed together are bad ones, that doesn't make her a bad person or the wrong person for you. But if she's not the right person for you to be with, then figure that out sooner rather than later, and act accordingly.
Do NOT take up the rest of this woman's child-bearing years with your own indecision and half-commitments.

Keep going to counselling. Keep trying to figure things out.
And be honest-but-kind to her throughout the process.
Admit you're confused. Admit you're a mess.
But tell her you still love her and that she's a wonderful person -- even though you may not be sure about either one right now.

    Bookmark   May 27, 2009 at 12:03PM
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jon___s

thanks for the advice..

this sounds soo pathertic but throughout the entire time, i was afraid to be alone...I don't even know why i love her..we shared a lot of good times, she has a great family, but things like self-esteem, paranoia (she still watches me to see if i'm looking at other women, making suere i'm not talking to women on the internet or at work) I'm always having to watch what I say...if i'm honest she'll "appreciate" it but in the end she'll question me and think i'm being an @$$hole. I live in a gov't town and I need 1 year of schooling..she wants children, she doesn't understand the schooling will get me a better job...I want to travel, I want to stay at home and play video games...I try to stay positive with my health (diet, etc) but I have to listen to her compain abuot herself everyday. She always wants me to show her I love her so she can feel good about herself..but it's all the time...hugs and kisses, touching, cutsie-poo talk (all that 1st teenage encounter stuff) and if i do anything less, she thinks i'm after someone else...I've never cheated on her...I used to have female friends when we first started dating, but she cut me out of their lives...if i'm gone and don't call she wonders where I am and goes to great lengths to find out (checking mmy facebook account and email and wanting the password she felt if i didn't give her the password i had something to hide) if i'm playing my online game and using the chat feature "too much" she thinks i'm talking to some girl so she checks out what i'm typing..she like to control any situation...if i have an idea, she puts it down or comes up with her own idea...we're renovating the basement and fixing the backyard...I had ideas for both...now changed cause she questioned them...now we're using her ideas...I rarely get to do my own thing when we're both in the house...If she's bored, I can't do anything other then entertain her...she expects me to throw my attention all on her all the time...if i questioin it, then i like whatever it is more then her...and makes me feel bad...

ugh...but there have been a lot of good memories...trips, the wedding...etc...but now we have a house...a dog and 2 cats (which i didn't want) a car, school loans, credit card loans, etc....flowers in the front, no white picket fence yet :P her friends like me, i like her friends...I don't have any real friends...I spend a lot of time on the computer playing online games and I know it's because i don't like my life the way it is...I want to be able to go to work, get my education so i can get a better job (which she still doesn't understand) do some travelling or even move to another city/country...I want to be able to go to the gym to get healthy, play hockey with my work buddies without having to get approval and stay out late for beers...I want to be able to talk to whomever I want without someone sitting there watching me to make sure i don't look at a girl when they walk by...constantly being told to show my love for her is exhausting...

these are a lot of the things that I ignore everyday, and this is the problem I have with myself...why do I suddenly have the need to address these? why now? why not back then..

i have a lot of baggage right now...BTW...this is the first time i'm talked about this.. :P

    Bookmark   May 27, 2009 at 1:33PM
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amyfiddler

Keep talking. Go find a good therapist.

    Bookmark   May 27, 2009 at 3:52PM
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silversword

Jon, it's not pathetic. I think you need to get really clear on exactly what you want, and really clear on what this relationship means to you. Your life is not over. You just need clarity, then you need a gentle, firm way to tell your wife what you need. Hopefully the two of you can come to terms, and if not, hopefully you can remain friends. Like Amy said, keep talking.

    Bookmark   May 27, 2009 at 4:02PM
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jennmonkey

It is really unfortunate you didn't have this epiphany before last August. It sounds like you really want nothing to do with being married and have just been going along with the motions. I agree that if you know for sure, you need to leave now. Yes, you will look like a jerk (let's face it, you kind of are a jerk to have married someone you weren't really in love with in the first place). But...you are 30 and cannot live the rest of your life being in an unhappy relationship. And while she may not know it now, she will be better off in the long run. She wants children and the clock is ticking, so she needs to find someone who really loves her and wants to have children with her. You need to absolutely sure though if you really want to leave, don't be the back and forth guy, because then you will really be an @ss. If you aren't sure, get some marriage counseling until you are.

    Bookmark   May 27, 2009 at 4:05PM
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ilovechocolate

It's perfectly clear that both of you are immature and insecure with yourselves. It's a good thing you do not have children and I'd make sure it stays that way for now. Children DO NOT bring a couple closer together when they feel the way you do, so DON'T give in to her wishes and have one, just to make HER happy or get her to shut up, b/c in the long run, she won't be happy with a still "broken" marriage. A kid is not a band-aid, and I hope she realizes that.

My take is this: You desperately sound like you know you don't want to be in this marriage anymore, and it sounds like counseling to try to stay together isn't the answer, while counseling for you is a must to "find yourself", and she can probably use some too. I'd have a good long chat with your wife and tell her exactly how you feel. You need to lay it on the table, and frankly it takes 2 to change things, but it's rare that "change" will happen when you're as desperate as you say. See how she handles it; I'm sure she probably senses something already. Hear her out also.

Now, let me ask you....has this feeling been stronger since you began talking to the Aussie? If so, that's part of the problem there. It's like having an on-line affair where your feelings are getting in the way with CybarWoman, causing you to dismiss your wife. However, if these feeling have been around for a long time, then, it's time to separate, b/c your feelings more than likely won't change. You can love your wife, but not be IN LOVE with her. Happens all the time, and it sounds like you two are just growing apart even before the marriage begins. That's not a good sign.

The three most important things in a marriage (to me) are: Communication, Trust, and Respect. Sounds like you're both lacking in all three. You appear to be lacking social activity in your life as well. All marriages need some sort of independence whereas each spouse enjoys their own activities separate from the other: wine tasting with friends, baseball game, flee marketing, out with the boys, shopping or whatever. IÂm a firm believer that independence helps build a stronge marriage as long as the other 3 things are intact.

It sounds like a separation is in order to help each of you find yourself and what you want out of life. It sounds like you blame her for a lousy marriage and she blames you for the same. You're not working together to have a fulfilling life together. Marriage is work, but it shouldn't be HARD work, especially just starting out. Plus, youÂve already "been together" for 10 years.

Can you afford to move out? Do you have someone you can live with for a few months? Start journaling your feeling each day before you go to bed during this time. But keep going to counseling too. See if you can observe links within your writing.

It sounds like you think your life is a mess and don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. You don't want to hurt your wife by leaving, but yet you are hurting yourself. It sounds to me that she will be hurt whether you stay or move out, so the decision is yours. You both need to grow up and perhaps the only way you can do that is by not being together (right now or ever - time will tell). And, by the way, the grass is not always greener on the other side....donÂt ever forget that.

I'm a firm believer that if you don't take care of yourself first, no one else will. While I love my husband of 26 yrs (no kids here), I certainly take care of ME first and it makes me a better person to take care of him as a wife. Even with family members, I've always taken care of me first, and if I had kids, I'd still do the same, because, again, it would make me a better person to take care of them. Hope that makes sense. And personally, I don't think that is selfish; it's just common sense.

Though I donÂt usually post on personal issues like this, I felt compelled to do so here. Sorry for the long post.

Good luck to you. Happiness is out there and at 30, you have time to find it. It is what you make of it!

    Bookmark   May 28, 2009 at 10:46AM
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jon___s

Well,

I talked to her last night...she knew something was wrong and asked me to tell her...I didn't feel comfortable because i'm not sure how to make sense of all this but i did anyways...I blew her mind...she didn't expect me to say these things...I told her it wasn't only about you that I left this about everything in my life...she is not doing well, and I expected that. She says she loves me and doesn't want to loose me. I don't hate her...I still love her...but these things in my head...questioning my choices in life, am i happy, do i want to stay with her...I even had a feeling of wanting to pack up and leave my life and go across the world to "start over" and get away from everything...there's so much doubt in my mind...as for the aussie girl...about 2 weeks ago she made it clear that there is nothing that can happen between us...we're on different pages...and I agree...so now we're just friends...which i'm fine with...I thought that this was the reason I felt these things but they haven't gone away and now my thoughts don't even include aussie girl..I booked some time with my doctor in a few hours, I need to talk to her...my wife agrees I need to figure this out and that I need to decide what my feelings are so she can move on...which is what I want to do...also she has no problems with waiting (not forever) on kids..no point in dragging this on...I really need to sort this out for her and myself...

i'll keep you all posted.....TYVM for the advise and points of view..you've all given me a lot of think about...

    Bookmark   May 28, 2009 at 12:08PM
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silversword

"I booked some time with my doctor in a few hours, I need to talk to her...my wife agrees I need to figure this out and that I need to decide what my feelings are so she can move on...which is what I want to do...also she has no problems with waiting (not forever) on kids..no point in dragging this on...I really need to sort this out for her and myself..."

Very good idea. Please keep us posted, and best of luck to you. The hardest part is admitting there is an issue. Now it's all a bunch of little problems to solve. You can do it. You can have a life you love, with people you love. All you have to do is be honest with yourself and those around you.

    Bookmark   May 28, 2009 at 1:22PM
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jon___s

Well,

I had my appointment with my doctor...the idea/feeling of me wanting to "reboot" my life by packing up, settling everything between my wife (giving her everything) and leaving is a way to run away from things...whatever the problems may be. My doctor also thinks I'm in no position to handle a situation like this due to my depression/A.D.D. and my meds should be altered to compensate. It is suggested that I hold off on dealing with these issues for 2 weeks while my new meds take over...apparently depression/A.D.D combo tends to amplify things..which i'm hoping for which would mean they are not really problems i'm having just depression talk, etc...I still do love her...it's just all this doubt and questions are going on in my head...I can't ignore them..so i'm going to do whatever I need to make myself better before I deal with this...in the mean time my wife is a wreck..she thinks i'm done with her...but I can't tell her it's not the case because i really don't know..and i told her this is something I need to take seriously...and quickly for her sake..she (I think) understands but is still having a hard time...i'll keep everyone posted on whats happening...I really do feel comfortable talking here, I value everyones opinions and point on views...really helps...

    Bookmark   May 29, 2009 at 12:50PM
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asolo

You're doing the right thing via Dr.'s advice. However, there's more than two weeks work to be done. Don't know what to suggest or predict between you two but I do have a strong opinion about the babies she wants. Due respect to biological clocks, it would be a mistake. Your present problems will not be helped by that new consideration and it would be incredibly unfair to the new life you would bring.

First step is to get your head straight so you -- and she -- can trust your own thinking. Dr. can likely help you but it will take a while. That "while" may be a rocky road. If you can get her on-board with that, you may acheive a new and better perspective. In any event, do not stay in this hole. Stop digging and then start climbing. Sounds like you may have done that.

    Bookmark   May 29, 2009 at 1:16PM
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jon___s

I realize 2 weeks is not enough time to work things out...what the doc said was before i start dealing with things i should fix my meds for 2 weeks..then with the doc start working things out...doc thinks i'm in no condition to work this out now....as for children we're both on the same page about waiting...my wife is the one wanting to get onboard with helping me, which i appreciate...she's just having a hard time dealing with all this...anyways, thanks for your opinion...i'll keep everyone posted..

    Bookmark   May 29, 2009 at 2:10PM
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mara_2008

OP, you're not really Jon Gosselin, are you? With a few 'details' changed?

That was a joke - I think.

Seriously, I do hope you get all the issues straightened out.

    Bookmark   May 29, 2009 at 6:37PM
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akangel76

Jon,

Just a another thing to think about make sure you truly do not want your wife to be needy before you make a big deal about it. My husband learned the hard way on this one. He works out of town a lot for his job. He loved the fact I am so independent and not needy. Now 2 yrs later we argue because I am not needy. I cannot turn it on and off. I cannot be needy when he is gone all the time. Just a little food for thought!

    Bookmark   June 7, 2009 at 1:55AM
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scarlett2001

A few things I have learned:

1.Life is short and it goes fast, faster than you can possibly imagine. And unless you believe in reincarnation, you only get one chance. So try to enjoy it as much as possible.

2. You can't make things right for your mate if you are not right in yourself.

3.Nobody else is going to "give you" happiness, not for vey long. Happiness is a journey that you walk alone, inside yourself. It's an attitude and it's a daily decision.

4. What we think is "love" is often so many other things, in disguise. It takes a lifetime of experience to start to see through the veils.

Good luck, "The life unexamined is not worth living".

    Bookmark   June 7, 2009 at 3:52PM
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silversword

Jon, everyone feels like packing up and running away sometimes.

    Bookmark   June 7, 2009 at 10:10PM
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lalaland4me

Jon,

I married my first husband....knowing full well that I shouldn't but didn't have what it took to walk away. Two children and 14 years later I had the courage to stand up for myself and end the relationship. I am blessed to have my children. There is no question about that but it wasn't right of me to that to myself and certainly not to my husband. I tried to make it work but I just couldn't. I loved him but not enough to have married him. I was single for 12 years before I remarried.

Stay in therapy. Figure out why you spent 10 years of your life with this person when you knew in your heart that it wasn't right for you. I have my suspicions but I will refrain from voicing that now. If it wasn't right for you it wasn't right for her either.

Please reconsider the Internet relationship or any other relationship until you are well past the marriage. It is my opinion that people go from one relationship into another far too quickly. Take your time.

Best of luck to you....Kim

    Bookmark   June 8, 2009 at 9:57PM
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