lavonne01May 11, 2010

My husband and I have been married for 8 years and have been married before to other people. Last night he breaks the news to me that he has been seeing his ex-wife. She had been envolved in a relationship with a married man and the man decided to break the relationship off and start focusing on his wife. See called my husband up about 1 month ago distressed over the relationship so my husband met her for coffee. He admitted to me about 3-1/2 weeks ago that he had met her for coffee and that she was really upset and was thinking of harming herself. He has since been seeing her on the weekends and they have had sexual intercourse one time. He says that he loves me and has told her that he loves me, that he has no intentions of leaving me and that everything is good between us. He spent this past weekend with he even on Mothers Day. He tells me that he is just trying to help her through this rough period in her time but he cannot tell me how long he will continue seeing her. He states that he is NOT having an affair because she is his ex-wife and not some strange woman that he met on the street. I do not know what to do. I love my husband with every ounce of my being and would do anything for him. He told me that he would be spending one night each week with her. He hopes that with him being there for her that she will find another man. It is hard for me to set at my job without crying. I am so depressed and hurt. I would like some advise on what to do with this situation.

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Lavonne, is this ok with you? If so, I have no advice for you except to use protection with him and get tested regularly.

If it's not, get a divorce.

Best of luck either way.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2010 at 11:17AM
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Your husband's excuse makes no sense--IF he's constantly underfoot and she's focusing on him, she will NEVER make the effort to find another man, now will she?

Sorry, but you've got a louse for a husband. One who sounds as if he's still interested sexually in his ex-wife, but keeping the current one around just in case things don't work out with the ex,.

Only you can decide whether or not you're okay with sharing him with another woman, and when it's too much.

On a practical note, I'd second the advice above about being very careful of your own health right now. This woman has been with a number of men--you run the risk of picking up an STD from your husband if he's slept with her even only once (and who believes that?)

Also, if you don't have resources in your own name, it's time to start getting your finances in order. EVERY woman should have her own accounts, with enough cash to support herself for at least 6-12 months. That makes sense even in a good marriage, because there are all sorts of emergencies that can occur. In your case, it's essential. If you have your own money, you can feel free to CHOOSE to stay with your husband and work on the marriage, but you won't be trapped into staying with him because you have no other choice. You also will be able, if necessary, to start a new life. No matter what happens with your marriage, make financial independence you're number one goal right now. Just so you know I practice what I preach--I've been a SAHMW/M for the past 30 years, BUT I've always had money in my own name--just in case an emergency hit, or something happened to my husband, whatever. I never needed nor touched that money--and it's been enough that about 2 years ago, I was able to use it to buy us a second home (that will be our retirement home in a year or 2) AND to maintain the mortgage payments on my own, without DH's help. So you see, my advice is good, solid advice--even in a good marriage it makes sense.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2010 at 12:09PM
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He's not having an affair?!
Oh yes he is! And he needs to be made very clearly aware of that fact.

Does he have any clear-headed male friends who would set him straight? What about his mother?
Anyone else you can think of who knows how hard the divorce was for him and would knock some sense into him?

I'd also suggest that you back this up with some very clear-headed and decisive actions on your part.
Lending a sympathetic ear to his Ex is one thing -- but now a sexual line has been crossed, and his own marriage is in deep trouble.
I'd make very sure he knows that -- possibly with a lawyer's business card, a counselor's appointment, or a packed suitcase waiting at the door.

There are some instances where I can see forgiving an affair that's over --
But ALLOWING one going forward? No. Absolutely not.
If you tolerate this, what else will he try?

    Bookmark   May 11, 2010 at 6:01PM
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My good friend's husband cheated on her with his exwife, more so he got his exwife pregnant, and she had a baby, and my friend still took him back! of course it never worked out in a long run. awful.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2010 at 6:22PM
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What a horrible nightmare for you - not only will he betray your trust, but he will attempt to normalize it with you and make you think that YOU are being unreasonable.

It's okay to have a bottom line. Sometimes it shakes reality into folks. Your husband has some issues going on if he thinks he is going to rush in and rescue someone who is suicidal.

He's asking a whole lot of you - a whole heck of a lot. It's up to you whether you want to go along with it. Were it me, I'd give my self a hug, a good cry, and a suitcase and a nice new living arrangement. Such a request completely invalidates your feelings and is beyond inconsiderate.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2010 at 7:16PM
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I maintain my promised restraint..........but it's hard!

    Bookmark   May 11, 2010 at 8:26PM
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Yes, he's having an affair. Does he really think you're stupid enough to believe his definition? (please tell me you don't believe his definition).

If you have any self-respect at all, you'll not put up with this, not agree to him spending one night a week with her, and tell him that's not how a man that you're married to will behave. If he chooses to, he can have every night free to do with as he wishes. Living away from you, of course.

What a bum.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2010 at 9:45PM
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Lavonne, your aren't going to put up with your husbands' crap are you!? He definitely is having an affair. Just because it is with his ex doesn't diminish the fact that he is cheating. He stepped over the line. Let him know that there will be no more "helping" the ex. No sleep overs, no finding her another man, no more period. If he doesn't like it to bad. Show him the door or you can leave. He doesn't respect you or your feelings at all so you have to get some for yourself. NancyLouise

    Bookmark   May 12, 2010 at 8:20AM
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LOL Asolo.

I can't imagine how him sleeping over could help her get a man. Usually men are turned off by the thought of another man sleeping with the woman of whom they are interested.

If I were interested in a man and found out he had a woman, any woman, who had a standing arrangement to sleep over one night a week, I'd find a new love interest. Add to that the fact that it's his exwife?? RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!

I'm sorry for you, but I think you got off easy. The exwife was with a man who was married, and decided to focus on his own wife. So she decides to focus on another married man, your man, her exhusband. You have five (probably more) people who have essentially been having sex with one another. SCARY!!

This is just way too convoluted for me. If you're a good writer you could turn it into a novel. My husband, his wife, her lover, his wife. Kind of long, but you could work on the title, I'm sure.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2010 at 12:00PM
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He divorced the first wife, end of story. He shouldn't be having anything to do with her.

He is manipulating you, my dear girl. Be aware that this is going on.

Protect yourself. Protect the children. Protect your assets.

He sounds like a real dill.

He is treating you like a fool.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2010 at 9:27PM
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Asolo- I'm with you on this one and the last one.

    Bookmark   May 14, 2010 at 7:57PM
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Please. So the story is fake. I've got a handful of stories that outdo this one as far as unbelievable goes and they ARE true - so who cares if they are fakes -

It's getting as old as folks on the Awkward Family Photos site complaining about "photoshop".

    Bookmark   May 15, 2010 at 1:29AM
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I do have a good friend who was in exactly same situation and worse (husband cheated with ex and got her pregnant), there is a lot of nonsense in this world...

    Bookmark   May 15, 2010 at 8:15AM
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Yep there sure is Finedreams.

    Bookmark   May 15, 2010 at 11:26PM
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I'm sorry this is happening to you. You need to leave him. If he chooses to go back to his ex just to sleep with her then they deserve each other. Very sad. YOU deserve MUCH better and someone is out there for you. Or if you really need to, maybe you can go to counselling to help sort out your hurt feelings and to give you the strength necessary to work through this and move on. Good luck!

    Bookmark   May 16, 2010 at 2:09PM
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Wow...really?!?! Never being in this situation before I have no clue as to how you are feeling but I can tell you this I would not for one second tolerate this. Sounds like you need to be the ex.

    Bookmark   May 18, 2010 at 6:18PM
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I know how u feel, my husband lives with his x so he can b with kids. im must b insane cuz i love him so much and really feel like i cant breath without him. but im comming to the conclusion that im accepting unacceptable behaviour that is going to end the only love i ever wanted, i swear i wont go near a man again. i just cant let somone in like that to hurt me so much.
i feel for your situation, and also worry abt the x, wish i had advice, but i need a good kick in the butt myself

    Bookmark   May 19, 2010 at 10:33PM
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