My Parents Hate my fiance...HELP!!!!

ehart1218May 8, 2009

I need advice BAD!!! My parents hate my fiance, they say i deserve better and that he controlls me and that he is disrespectful to the family. And I love him. I don't think that at all about him.

So, my parents are trying everything they can to sabbotage my marriage with him. We had a big wedding planning for over a year and 3months til I was supposed to walk down the parents started off with all of this junk and went wayy off the deep end...

They've called him every name in the book. My dad even called and asked my fiance how much money it would take him to not marry me....then of course my fiance said "F*** You!" So right there it puts me in a position to where it looks like he is not respecting my family because he said that to my father, but yet, what father offers money to the guy i love to not marry me...? And then rub it in my face that he said f*** you.... I have been keeping everything inside of me for sooo long and feel that i have nobody to confide in or talk to and let out all of m y feelings...I need help bad...i've been so depressed and stressted out for the past month... I dont know what to do...My dad isn't in the greatest of health...and my mom is saying that i am going to regret this when my dad isn't around anymore...and that they are done wiith me and my fiance and don't want to talk to me...their own daughter ever again until i apologize for my fiance being disrespectful....

I'm so torn...i should never have to choose between my fiance and my family.....HELP!! PLEASE!!!

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"...i should never have to...."

Separate your wishes from the reality you're dealing with. You do have a choice to make and it's not going away. Sounds to me like your parents and your fiance are both whacked.

Have no idea what "help" would look like for the situation you've described. However, doesn't sound like a situation that you should be marrying out of as a solution.

I don't know anyone involved but I can tell you "Love" isn't enough. Suggest thinking about this in more depth than you have to date. Otherwise chaos awaits.

    Bookmark   May 8, 2009 at 12:20PM
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I have a couple questions: How old are you and your fiance? How long have you been dating? Can you give us a few examples of why your parents think he is too controlling? Do they have other reasons to think he doesn't respect the family besides that one incident?

While I agree that your father should have never tried to pay him off to make him go away, your fiance was still disrespectful to say "f**k you" to him. There are much better ways he could have said it.

Either your parents have a very wrong impression of him or they see something you don't because you are blinded by love. It's hard to know which without more details of your situation.

    Bookmark   May 8, 2009 at 2:38PM
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maybe its the parents who are controlling.being told f... you is no big deal,its alot worse that the father wanted to pay him off,I would of called him much worse,and the mother trying to put her daughter on a big guilt trip,making out it will be her fault if he dies.I think you will stick with your fiancee,if he is so bad you will see it in time.

    Bookmark   May 8, 2009 at 3:15PM
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How were your parents BEFORE you met your fiance? Were they irrational? Controlling? Manipulative? Have they never liked ANY guy you've ever brought home? If the answer to all of these questions is 'yes' then you know the problem is them.

But if they have NOT generally been unreasonable before, there's a good chance that what they are telling you is the truth as they see it, and that they are genuinely trying to protect you from making what would be (in their experience) a very bad mistake.

If your parents have been reasonable in the past, they've got reasons for saying he's not good enough for you. What are those reasons? Has he completed his education? (Whatever that means to you.) Does he have a full-time job with a future? And has he consistently been able to hold good jobs? Does he have any alcohol or chemical issues? Any children or ex-wives? What is his family or origin like? Remember, if you marry him, they'll be your family too. Would that be jumping into a vat-of-stink?

They say he's controlling. If there's any truth to this, then please pay attention, because a small control problem pre-marriage will probably turn into a BIG control problem post-marriage when he'll feel like he has the *right* to control you. (Of course, if it's your parents who have always been controlling, then...) OK - So IS he controlling? Does he ever grill you about where you've been or who you've been with? If you were eating alone at a fast food place and an old boyfriend walked in and sat with you -- would you tell him about it? And what would he say? How does he react when you do something that annoys, disappoints or inconveniences him? Do you ever find yourself not doing something because you know it would make him mad? (Even though you know/feel it should not be a problem.) How does he handle his anger at other people? Has he ever, to your knowledge, been violent with anyone? (After age 12, of course.) Has he ever yelled at you, called you names, gotten physical with you? Have you ever been scared of him?

Bottom line -- If your parents aren't crazy, you should listen to what they're saying, and consider their advice seriously. They may be wrong -- But they're saying it because they love you.

    Bookmark   May 8, 2009 at 9:51PM
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I thank all of you for your advice...I have a lot of thinking to do..

It is just so hard to make a decision especially involving loosing a loved one.

But I know I have to make some sort of decision...I will just need some thinking time to myself.. Thank you again..

    Bookmark   May 8, 2009 at 11:10PM
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When I was younger, (and maybe when I'm older) I'd tell you to do what you want and disregard what others think. But, coming from what I know now, I would put some serious thought into why it is your parents dislike him so. I have a feeling there is something there that goes way beyond using the "f" work during a fight. Don't get stuck on a couple examples. How has he been disrespectful to the family? Those little disrespectful things really can be a window to his character and mean a lot more than you may think.

Be careful. Unless your family is totally insane and always irrational, I would think there would have to be good reasons for them to dislike him so -you just may not be open to seeing them.

    Bookmark   May 9, 2009 at 12:08AM
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if he is so bad you will see it in time.
Ah yes, just what you needed to hear and exactly the kind of advice that will bring you back to this forum a year after you are married to join all the other mistakes people have made.

I think you still are not approaching this in the right frame of mind. You're still allowing "I luuuuuve him" to influence you, and that sorry exclamation is what blindly walks women into making the biggest mistakes of their lives and what keeps them in abusive relationships. So what if you love him. You can love again. You are still thinking you have to choose. You asked for advice, but you are ignoring it, just like you are ignoring your parents. Read asolo's post again. There is absolutely nothing to think about. You now have to open your eyes to see what your parents are telling you and examine what is wrong with your fiance's behavior. Just from the little you told us in your first response, I do not believe mom and dad will steer you wrong or that their complaints are unfounded. Do you really think they don't want you to be happy? Do you really think that ALL OF A SUDDEN, they throw a wrench into the wedding plans just to be mean to you? WHYYY instead does it not occur to you they are looking out for your best interest? You said you all spent over a year planning your wedding. Something, or rather many things, had to happen for them to change their minds so completely. They were onboard, gungho, and excited until the privilege of time and acquaintence revealed to them the real person that he is. No, you obviously cannot see it. The woman never does because she "luuuuves him." The guilt trips and offer to pay him off are displays of their desperation to make you see the horrible mistake you are about to make and their desperation to prevent you from making it. You are a grown woman now, no longer their child who has to do as they say. So, they are desperate because they can see your future.

You have an extremely rare advantage of being forewarned. But you ignore it because you luuuve him. And you are ignoring the advice here because I don't believe you want advice. You want someone to tell you to have your way and ignore your parents. You want us to condemn their behaviors and responses along with you condemning them. You are acting like a rebellious child. Your complaints are only of your parents and what they have done and said. If you really wanted advice, you would have offered some examples of your parents' complaints. You do not examine the complaints, and didn't offer any examples up for us to examine them either to make it seem like your parents are so wrong and just picking on you and your fiance. You just keep ignoring their advice because it does not confirm your way of thinking and does not conform to the way you think of this guy.

And that F-you reply is exactly what your parents are talking about. It is indicatively and commonly disrespectful of your fiance. It is just one more example of his undesirable character and disrespectul tendencies. He is a grown man and can repond any way he likes. He chose that way instead offering an ounce of empathy or an ounce of assurance that your father can trust him with his daughter. There were a hundred other ways he could have responded, but he chose that one because THAT is the way he is. Nope, you cannot see it. You won't. Not until it is too late. And you'll be back here to join all the other mistakes people have made.

    Bookmark   May 9, 2009 at 12:57PM
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wow! Thermometer...

I think that really hit me...seriously..I don't want to lose my family... guys are guys...and they'll come and go right? But your family is yours forever and you'll only have one..

    Bookmark   May 9, 2009 at 2:05PM
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Would be interested to know specifically what your parents object to. Not talking about the offer to buy him off and the insult they came back. What do they think is so bad about him they'd offer to buy him off? Must be pretty bad in their opinion.

    Bookmark   May 9, 2009 at 2:30PM
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There were a hundred other ways he could have responded, but he chose that one because THAT is the way he is.

I totally, strongly agree!!! You do only have one family, and there are many fishes in the sea. Keep looking!

Don't you want someone who gets along well with your family and vice versa? It would make for a happier marriage. Starting a marriage with hatred between spouse and family only creates more heartaches for you. And then when you have kids.... not a good environment for them and they'd be missing out on creating memories with grandparents.

I agree with the opinion mentioned above about your father having to be pretty desperate to stoop to bribing him not to marry you. All a parent really wants for their child is for that child to be happy, loved, and respected. They MUST see/know something about him that you don't see.

If you still can't make a decision, hold off on the wedding. What's the rush if this is going on? Take the time to see if you can see the same things your parents see. Unfortunately, it is too common that a person's true character is revealed once they're married.

    Bookmark   May 9, 2009 at 11:42PM
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wow! Thermometer...
I think that really hit me...seriously..I don't want to lose my family... guys are guys...and they'll come and go right? But your family is yours forever and you'll only have one.

ehart1218, I can only guess that you are a very young woman. People naturally become offended when their age comes into question, but I don't say it to offend or belittle you at all. I say it because it is apparent you do not yet possess the wisdom that the benefit of time and experience begets. Like your parents, I am trying very hard to get you to open your eyes but fear I am failing miserably.

Your situation is not a battle between your family and your man. You keep turning it into that, but this is not about choosing one over the other. It's not about the importance of family or anything of the sort. It's about what your parents are saying that you have to open your eyes to see and analyze.

Talk to your parents calmly and with an open mind. Ask them what it is they object to about your fiance. Examine each individual complaint. Ask them why they make the complaints. As they enumerate their grievances, ask them "What's wrong with that?" with each one. You will be giving your parents the opportunity to school you. Please don't be so grown to think you know everything or that your parents have nothing left to teach you. Analyze and work through everything they say without becoming angry. They can show how a woman should be treated by her boyfriend/husband, or at least how she should not be treated and what she should not tolerate. You will be giving them the chance to explain, incident by incident, what he did/said that was embarrassing and disrespectul to you, or when they were embarrassed on your behalf because you didn't know to be offended at the time.

Most parents don't think to school their daughters in this manner while they are teenagers. Don't fault your parents because no one ever thinks to do it. If more parents did, then there'd be far fewer women in abusive relationships and putting up with their husband's disrespect.

Your parents are not trying to make things bad for you. They understand the natural course of life, and that you will one day marry and have children. They are very much looking forward to it. They just don't want you to make bad choices in life and can see this will be a very bad one. That is what I meant when I said they can see your future. You met this guy and fell in love with him. Perhaps he is very good looking. Perhaps he has a good education and a good job. I'm sure he has many good attributes in his favor. Your parents fell in love with all those qualities first. But then, as I said, the benefit of time - as all things are revealed in due time - and the benefit of acquaintance - as you spend time with a person, you get to see them for what they really are - brought them back down to reality. In the beginning, they thought their daughter had quite a catch of a guy, but he has shown them a very different side of himself. Trust your parent's wisdom, and trust they only want the best for you. Also, go through the pages on this forum and read a bunch of the posts. You will find on these pages the exact same complaints your parents have....the exact same mistakes most of these women have made....the exact same mistakes your parents are trying to prevent you from making. Mom and dad are trying to fortify you. They're trying to make sure you have the self-estemm and self-worth that a woman should hold for herself. The kind of worth a woman possesses that helps her recognize when she is being treated badly.

Understand something else, please. You met this guy, and he did and said all the things you liked hearing. He gave you some attention. He brought you into his world and made you like it. It could have been someone else and can still be someone else. Someone who loves and cares for you in the way that you deserve.

    Bookmark   May 10, 2009 at 10:44AM
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I would have to say that if your family really hates him they must see something you don't see.....or that you just don't want to see.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2009 at 3:01PM
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I think you have to ask yourself what you want in a husband, what sort of person do you want to spend your life with ?

Do you think he treats you with respect? Is he supportive, does he share in your joys, does he praise you? Is he good with money? Is he sensible? Does he have a good career?

What about children, are you agreeable as to how many children you would like to have, or even if you want to have children?

Do you have friends outside of him ? Do you have your own interests and passions ? Is he supportive of that?

Do you think it will be difficult to be married to a man that your parents do not like, how will this affect you ? What about Christmas gatherings, birthdays? What will those events be like, will you be invited ? Will he be welcomed?

So many questions, so many things for you to consider. It is really time for you to make decisions about your own life and future and think very carefully about what the people who brought you into the world and cared for you and loved you - think about what you are going to do with your life.

Will they even attend the wedding ?

Why even get married, why not live together ?

Do you think a wedding without your parents is a memory that you want to have in your mind all your life ?

What happens now, is going to affect you forever.

Please tread carefully.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2009 at 7:16PM
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Listen to popi. She knows stuff...and it's all good.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2009 at 7:37PM
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Wow, thanks Asolo - I think you are pretty cluey too.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2009 at 8:02PM
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We don't know how old you are and that makes a big difference. If you are under 20 then its likely your parents might be right. If you are over 21, finished with your schooling, know what you want to do with your life, and he has an education, a job and family who are pretty nice thats another story and you are likely right. Do look at his family--its surprising how the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

    Bookmark   May 14, 2009 at 2:58AM
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Bumblebeez SC Zone 7

Guys don't come and go. Your husband should be the one you want to spend your life with and he should feel the same way.
If either of you don't think that, then you shouldn't get married until you meet the one who is committed to you through thick and thin/better or worse/richer or poorer....etc.
And family can be such baggage that yes, you can let them go.

    Bookmark   May 14, 2009 at 8:30AM
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Catherine Loeckx

Hi there, I need some help!!!!!!!!!!! my long time bf of 5 years has recently proposed to me.(we are both 28 Unfortunately my parents have expressed great anger and disapproval of our engagement. Maybe some background information is necessary, about 1.5 years ago we moved from Europe to Canada, in search for jobs. Unfortunately we did not find any and had to come back after 8 months with no money (although my bf saved up for one year and we had 15.000 euro’s to our name this didn’t last us long). During our time there we decided that while he searched for an office job I would look for work any work as waitress, which I did find. He continued to look for jobs had some interviews not many but still the ball was rolling. Unfortunately this didn’t work out and so we returned to Europe. Now being back for 1.5 years my bf has proposed to me as a sign of commitment and show that he is serious about our love. Unfortunately my bf has had 2 different jobs in this time all short contracts, and now finishing up his latest contract he is in the midst of looking for a permanent job ( he is a college educated man). My parents have been acting very disrespectful towards me and my partner, they know him very well and said the reason they do not want me to marry him is that he is not financially stable, has no backbone, he has nothing to offer me and that he doesn’t “fit with me” whatever that means. We have made it clear to them that we do not plan to get married anytime soon, we will only get married once we know we are both financially stable in a year or 2. However they continue to be very disrespectful about the matter and have mentioned very hurtful and untrue statements. Now personally I understand their concern and have listened to their objections very respectfully and have thought about them, but regardless I love this man and he has always been good to me. I feel that they have showed me no respect and have treated me poorly, they have refused to acknowledge the proposal, refused to look at my ring, and most of all say he is a selfish man who is incapable to make smart decisions. That if he where smart he wouldn’t have asked me. I find this all to be so hurtful and demeaning and just do not know how to go about it. They have taken this moment, which should be the most happy moment in my life away from me. And showed little to no respect for me. I have tried to talk to them but with little success to a resolution. We are a very close family but now I cannot see how me and my partner can pretend that everything is fine. HELP what is your opinion? How do I handle it so they at least have a bit of respect for my partner and I. (Additionally they have made me feel like I cannot tell my family and that it is shameful) A sad bride to be.

    Bookmark   10 hours ago
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