Another Facebook casualty

devastatedMay 28, 2010

Hi. I could really use some advice. I don't even know where to begin. My husband and I have been together for 14 years, married for 12. We have 3 little girls. We've been having problems for a long time. We argue a lot over his drinking and his spending. He doesn't drink everyday, but when he does he can't stop. He goes out with the guys after work for a few beers and comes home 5 hours later. He drives home like that, when he can barely walk. He staggers and falls down and sometimes throws up. This sometimes in front of the kids. By the way, I work part time in the evening, so when he's out drinking, he's supposed to be with the kids. They have to go to grandma's house. He's even come to the kid's school functions drunk. it's so humiliating. This goes in spurts. It might be once a week, three times a week, maybe once a month. It varies. I think he should never drink that much. To me, that's not normal. He also has what I would call an addiction to going to concerts. Maybe 20-30 a year. One night, when he found out his plant was closing, he stayed up applying for credit cards. Probably about 30. He said he was losing his job and might need to live off of them. We would have gotten by with his unemployment check and my part time job. Now, we're about $55,000 in debt and filing bankruptcy. So, anyway, he got on Facebook about 6 months ago. He never hid it from me. I looked at it everyday. He reconnected with a friend from high school. He would post something, she would respond and vice versa. No big deal. Then they made palns to go to a concert together. It was supposed to be with a group of people, then it ended up just the 2 of them. They haven't gone yet. I was really not happy with that situation. I didn't think it was appropriate. He assured me not to worry. It was never like that in school. They were just friends. She's not that kind of girl. She knows he's married. He says I could have gone, but acted like I would have been the third wheel. He said didn't I think that would be kind of weird? Uh, yeah, and it's kind of weird my husband going out alone with a woman. I just opened a Facebook account. We had been arguing about that because he wouldn't be my facebook friend. I don't know why. Anyway, last Wednesday, we had a fight over all this and other things. I was sitting there on the bed, waiting for some action, and he was on the computer, ignoring me. He said he was waiting for me to "get my drink on". I don't have a drinking problem, by the way. So, I was drunk( 2 beers), and I blew up. He deactivated his Facebook account that night because it was causing too much drama. The next 2 nights after that, when I was working, the kids said daddy was outside talking on the phone for 2 hours. I know now it was her. Sunday, he left work early to "resolve" things with me. first, he went to his parents house to tell them what's going on. He told them he hasn't been happy with me and he found somebody else that makes him happy. So, he told his parents before he told me that he wants a divorce. This is not what I want. I was miserable and he knew it. He knows our problems are mostly his fault. He feels guilty. I feel sad and angry that he wasn't willing to put any effort into making things better. He made a commitment to me. We have kids. He never put us first. We're both still here in our house. He wants to get along. He says he'll always be there for us and will take care of us financially. I've been trying to convince him not to do this. I know I should just accept it, but I can't. He says he has deep feelings for her. She has a lot of "energy." It's not physical at this point. I think she wants somebody to take care of her. She has 2 kids and lives with her parents. My husband isn't the first. There have been others she was making plans with in the past few months and things didn't work out. So now she sunk her claws into my husband. I'm just scared. I don't know what to do. The bankruptcy complicates things even more. I feel like I'm in a state of limbo. I don't have a full time job. Hopefully, I'll be able to find one. I've been at home taking care of kids for the past 12 years. I have no skills. I'll probably have to work for $8 an hour in a factory or something. I would like to go to school. I just don't know what assistance is available. I don't know where we're going to live. We're both going to have bad credit now. I would really like to stay in our house, but I don't know if that's possible. He says I can have the house, he doesn't want any money. But, I don't know if that simple. I'm thinking he will have to pay me $250-$300 a week for child support, but I really don't know. I'm sorry I've rambled. I know I've left a few things out, but I know this is getting lengthy. Does anyone have any advice? I don't know what to do. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I'm just a mess. I always had hope that things would get better, especially after the bankruptcy. He used to call me up from the bar and tell me how much he loves me and that he's sitting there telling his friends about his wife and how much he loves me. By the way, supposedly he told this "woman" that they can't start a relationship yet, it's going to have to wait awhile. I'm just devastated. Thanks for reading.

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Doesn't sound like you should be blaming Facebook... you had problems LONG before that.

Personally, I could not and would not live with an alcoholic who also wracked up $55,000 in debt.
I'd be kicking his butt to the curb....

    Bookmark   May 28, 2010 at 3:39PM
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"...he can't stop. He goes out with the guys after work for a few beers and comes home 5 hours later. He drives home like that, when he can barely walk. He staggers and falls down and sometimes throws up. This sometimes in front of the kids."

Could have stopped the post right there. Serious jerk/loser. Why have you tolerated this apparently-repeated behavior? You're not looking real good yourself right now as a woman, wife, or mother.

"He used to call me up from the bar and tell me how much he loves me and that he's sitting there telling his friends about his wife and how much he loves me."

And you tolerated that, too? Astonishing!

"Does anyone have any advice? I don't know what to do."

Of course you do. You just haven't allowed yourself freedom from your emotions sufficiently to think clearly about it. Hopes and wishes aren't going to handle this. You've got a real sleaze on your hands. For your children, if not yourself, get out of there. Do it yesterday.

"I'm just devastated."

And you have been for a while. Get over it. Things are as they are. Wishing they were different hasn't accomplished anything and never will. No sense wallowing in this hopelessness. It's a very real problem requiring a very rational decision. Your emotion and self-pity are obstructions to the actions required. Put them on the shelf, gird you loins, and do what needs to be done.

In addition to getting free of this jerk, it appears to me you've got some work to do on yourself.

    Bookmark   May 28, 2010 at 4:22PM
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Ouch! That hurt. But, you're right. It should have been me seeking the divorce. I would be stupid to take him back. He's renting an apartment right now. I'm mostly concerned about the cost of divorce and if I'll be able to keep the house. It would cost the same as an apartment anyway. I guess I need to start looking for a full time job. I'll probably keep the part time job if I can and just cut back the hours. Maybe just work when they're visiting their dad. Does anyone have any advice on what to do now? I don't know if we have to wait for the bankruptcy to be discharged before we start the divorce process. I guess I need to get on the phone and start asking questions. I've never been divorced before. I don't want to get screwed. I don't want to screw him either. I just want what I'm entitled to. Asolo, you really hurt my feelings, but I'll get over it. I know I need to be strong now, for a change.

    Bookmark   May 28, 2010 at 6:19PM
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Clearly I'm no diplomat. However, didn't intend a slam -- only a straight opinion. Perhaps others will be more sympathetic. I would just prefer to see your life changed around -- without the husband you described in it.

    Bookmark   May 28, 2010 at 6:53PM
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Devasted, sorry you are going through so much pain. However, the advice you are seeking should come from a divorce lawyer. Even though you are heartbroken and hurt, you have to take care of business now and protect your kids, your home and your financial future.

Your husband is a periodic alcoholic. That progresses to an all-the-time alcoholic. By his wanting out, he and the other woman are actually doling you a favor in the long run. This mess is going to get worse, not better. Time to hit the lifeboat!

Please ask your attorney to write in a condition of your settlement that DH supports you and the kids until you go through some type of job training. Also- do this right away: post newspaper ads saying that you are not responisble for his debts.

I know taking care of business is not your first priority right now, but you have to act quickly.

Chin up!

    Bookmark   May 28, 2010 at 10:46PM
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another post proving importance of career and education for a woman, i don't know why women rely on men rather than building themselves up. talk to attorney, divorce, start a new life, you can do it. he is no good.

    Bookmark   May 30, 2010 at 6:35PM
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There are low income family law attorneys/firms - look in your local phone book (ususally something entitled legal aid, etc.). Or, some counties have attorneys who perform pro bono work during court hours at the court house who can assist you with filing the paperwork - they can also possibly refer you to additional legal resources (call your local clerk of circuit court and ask them - don't forget that it is THEIR JOB to answer your questions (sometimes they forget that!) - you are a taxpayer and although they can't give you legal advice, then can direct you to other legal help). Next, call your mom/dad/sister or other close family member and let them know what is going on - there's no shame in asking for help.

    Bookmark   July 16, 2010 at 12:58AM
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She's toast. She'll never do it. Good advice, though. She'll need a brain and a backbone before an attorney -- free or not -- will do her any good. She's not there yet.

    Bookmark   July 16, 2010 at 9:51PM
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This new woman will figure it all out, too. He is a big drinker and low on money.. He isn't going to be able to do much for her and her kids either.
I wish you and your kids the best.

    Bookmark   July 21, 2010 at 8:06PM
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I don't know that facebook deserves the blame--its real easy to meet women in bars. As your guy has more drinks--they probably look better and better. If he was looking around for excitement--he could find it anywhere.
You need to get your life together. I am sure thats difficult now but eventually you will do it for the kids. Having an alcoholic for a Dad is awful for kids.

    Bookmark   July 21, 2010 at 9:02PM
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It is really a sad story, a miss happening with a woman. But I think there are some things not good on the woman side. She should not talk so much to her husband to much about his new facebook friend. If a man want to go out with another woman than his wife should think, where is the gap in her relationship life that she can not fill.

    Bookmark   August 6, 2010 at 1:38AM
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