I've been living with a married man for 8 years!!!!

dsmirkeMay 12, 2009

I hate doing this but I am totally lost and I need some support. I hope I have come to the right place!!

I am normally a very reserved person with only a few close friends but I don't feel comfortable sulking on them as they will probably say "I told you so!" I had an affair with one of my best friends over 8 years ago - he was (and still is married!). I have been living with him for the past 8 years and recently I have found him to be verbally abusive and distant. He pretends to be "sweet" only when he wants me to help him financially. He used to be very loving & affectionate in the early days but nowadays he just treats me like dirt - woman on top sex, make dinner for me and you know the rest! The only time he shows some respect is when he asks me for a loan. I have always found a way to give him some money as I earn 4 times what he does (obviously I pay all the bills). He's not divorced yet, I have asked him several times what he intends to get a divorce it but he just shuns away and tells me he will let me know when it does get around to it and that he's afraid estranged wife will not allow him to visit his kids !!! Full stop, end of discussion.

I want out of the relationship but I have given him 8 years of my life (I'm 44 now) and although the relationshiop has been bitter-sweet I can't deny I still love him. It hurts real bad to even think of a separation from him.

I spend my days sulking although he comes home after work everyday and we go through the usual routine, but he rarely shows any love or affection anymore!

Can anyone please guide me in the right direction???

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You have given him 8 years and clearly this relationship is going nowhere. You yourself said he won't get a divorce (he has had plenty of time to do so). And he uses you as his personal ATM!

Cut your losses and go. 44 is not old. Don't stay or in another 8 years you will be looking back with more regret.

And next time do not get involved with someone who is already married....it usually ends badly for all involved.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2009 at 10:32AM
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thanks mom2email! I knew I would be getting a reply along these lines.... but I really love this guy and wanted to see what other options I could have and if anybody could share a similar problem. I am very depressed and fed up.... the road is going to be a long one for me to find someone else! And, the worst part, is he's very good looking!

    Bookmark   May 12, 2009 at 10:40AM
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This is a hoax. Nobody's this dumb.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2009 at 10:44AM
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Your situation will never be any better than it is now. You're getting older, not younger. So if you ever want to be happily married, the time to kick this man out and find a better one is NOW. (Well, actually, it was nine years ago, but let's focus on the present and future.)

If he DOES get divorced and marry you, that will just give him a valid LEGAL CLAIM to your money. It won't make him love you, respect you, or be nice to you. And it'll make it harder for you to get rid of him. (As you've seen from the way he treats his wife, he doesn't even have to 'get rid of you' to leave.)

Who cares how good looking this guy is?! He's treating you like dirt, and that has to feel worse than anything looks. Get a poster. Or better yet, get a kind, ordinary-looking guy who makes you glow because of the look in his eyes when he looks at you. That'll make him beautiful. (You too.)

Don't even waste time trying to fix this broken romance.
End it now, while your chances for a happier future are the best they will ever be.

Anyone want to place a sideline bet on how long it is before this guy's living with/off another woman? Maybe even his wife?
I'm betting less than two weeks...
(And that's no disrespect to you, OP. Just a comment on his character.)

    Bookmark   May 12, 2009 at 12:48PM
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Well, you only have two options. Stay or leave. He has already shown you that he doesn't respect you. He is not loving or affectionate and he uses you for money. I would be interested to see how fast he would be outta there and how he would treat you if you completely stopped giving him money. He doesn't respect you enough to get a divorce either.

Thank god you are NOT married to him! That would make things much harder. Of course you love him, but I'm not sure he loves you, or if he does, he doesn't know what love is. Love is respecting someone and treating them well. He is not doing either of those with you. His line about not seeing his kids is BS. He would have court ordered visitation if he was divorced. I know you have spent 8 years with him, and it always feels like a waste of years and life when you leave a long term relationship, but think of how you would feel after wasting 10 years, 20 years, etc???

You deserve much better, and so does his wife! You are allowing him to treat you like this when you know better. As long as you allow him to treat you like crap, he will continue to do it. This guy is obviously having his cake and eating it too.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2009 at 1:20PM
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I'm with the others who said you should have been finished with him about 8 or 9 years ago, but now, you are seeing some ugly aspects of his character apart from his being unfaithful to his wife. Use them to help you fall out of love with him, because he is not going to reverse back to being affectionate and the other things you would prefer. Keep reminding yourself of them.

It's time--long past time--to take a good look at what this guy really is: someone willing to use a woman to get money and not even pay her back by being kind and thoughtful and loving. He has it made: everything the way he wants it and too bad about your needs that would cause him any effort or inconvenience whatsoever.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life as someone's slave who doesn't even get respect or appreciation? Cut your losses. A loss of 8 years is preferable to 10, 15, 20, or more, and you would have a chance of meeting someone who values you properly.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2009 at 2:23PM
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I'll admit I didn't read your post. I bet you feel used?
I bet he keeps promising something and doesn't deliver?

Everyone thinks they are the exception to this sad, typical story.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2009 at 10:39PM
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It took me almost 12 years to find the strength to leave a bad realationship.No matter what advice people tell you it doesnt make a difference.like you I already knew what the answers were but there was always that bit of love holding me back.yes asolo there is alot of women this dumb as you put it.Its easy for people to comment on the outside.But the thing i never did was be his doormat,even if it meant a slap.I wouldnt do anything for him.No dinner ,washing,ironing,as for sex hed take that his self even if I said no.OP Why do you do these things for him,are you trying to make him love you more or are you scared of him.I eventually thankfully got to the stage where Icouldnt stand him anyore,and when i felt my self sofftening atall Id remind my self of the vile cruel things he did and My anger would come back keeping me strong.Idont need to do that anymore because I genuinly hate him.when i finally left him,i realized it wasnt love atall just a big habbit,my only regret is not doing it years ago.you are lucky you are finacially secure,if you dont get out soon you will be more than just depressed.you will loose all your self worth and confidence.I have never been happier and more confident since being on my own.You are plenty young enough to find new love,and like someone said dont go for a married man again,maybe this is your punishment,what goes around ,comes around

    Bookmark   May 13, 2009 at 6:58AM
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Hi all, and thanks for all your supportive replies! Wow! I didn't expect to receive so many replies in a day but well, what have I got to lose except my money and a man that I love (or do I???).I am not too sure anymore! I will try to gather my senses together and see what I can do to get him to move out. Our friends are mutual and I am going to have a hard time making new friends again. I know I am not too old to start all over again but I had thought I had found 'true love'.

I've been divorced once already so I'm not planning to get married all over again (my daugther is almost 15) she lives with my ex who actually is a great guy but he cheated on me.

I guess all I need a partner (not a husband) to love me for what I am and not my money!! But guess what, I have found sometbing to brighten up my day (his name is Adam Lambert, surely you've all heard about him). I guess that's that only thing these days, except your wonderful supportive replies, that will get me motivated.

Wish me luck!!!

Love again for all your support!!

    Bookmark   May 13, 2009 at 7:55AM
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One more thought - you have trust issues that go back to your ex, and it has put you where you are now. If you could resolve that, and you "can", you're less likely to find yourself re-creating what was done to you, and thereby putting yourself in a lose-lose position.

If you need to be in a true partnership, you first need to be healthy. healthy people attract other healthy people -

Even people who get cheated on can be whole again- :)
Good luck

    Bookmark   May 13, 2009 at 11:43AM
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Sounds to me like all he has going for him is that he's good looking. Looks fade. Personality is forever.

1. he's not your best friend
2. he's not honest (to his wife, to you)
3. he has zero integrity (money, lies)
4. he's not supporting you (emotionally, financially)
5. he's not sharing/giving (money, sexual needs/desires)

Wow. Sounds like a real catch. Dump him and find a new best friend. One you don't sleep with. It complicates things less. Then get on with your life. 44 is YOUNG!!!!! There are many many many men out there who will treat you the way you want to be treated.

Every day spent with him is a day lost to you... one that you could be happy, secure and emotionally stable.

    Bookmark   May 13, 2009 at 12:25PM
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Thanks again for the positive input.

I have been giving him the cold shoulder for the past 2 days, didn't do the cooking, not answering his phone calls and just kept my mouth shut!! I can't even look him in the eye anymore! He just comes home after work and since I'm working in the living room he just resorts to watch his beloved TV in the bedroom. Oh, and I didn't mention that he loves to keep the TV on at night despite me begging him to shut the damn thing off - I can't fall asleep with the bright light and the noise. You'd never guess what he used to say to me "you're selfish" ha ha! - I can't believe this!!!!

It's my home, I pay for the rent, the TV is mine and everything else not to mention the bills!

The more I think of how much he's using and manipulating me I more I hate him!!

I am getting my daily kicks from watching American Idol these days!! I feel 14 all over again. (One good sign??). if anyone out there was a Danny fan, I am so sorry that he got voted off!!!

Back to my story.

Rest of the time I am at work making $$$ or commuting to and from work which takes 3 hours a day. I work real hard in a very stressful financial planning job as I am planning to retire when I'm 55 and guess what, he just takes my money and spends it, having a good time with his buddies or he gives it away to his so called "poorer" siblings - what the hell do you call someone like that? What a scavanger! At times I felt sorry for him as he said he had to pay maintenance money for his 2 kids, that's another story.

Well, this has been going on for the past many years and it's probably another reason why I am hating him more each day! I am emotionally being drained out but there is so much love/hate here and I'm still stuck with him!!

Easier said that done, but I need to start making new friends, I hope I can just find the guts and confidence and go out and find someone who will cherish me for what I am. It was easy before but at 44 I don't know???

Love to all again!!

PS: I posted a message here around 3 years ago on this board under pets when I had to put down my beautiful "Honey" she was a Cocker Spaniel, she was 15 years old. I don't even want to tell you what (or what not) my boyfriend did at the time to console me. He did absoluting nothing!!! NOT EVEN A HUG!!! And I was crying for days on end!!!!

    Bookmark   May 14, 2009 at 8:23AM
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Hate to say this but you're no closer to a better point than you were three years ago.

Silent, passive aggressive behaviors are simply the fuel for more intensity, and intensity is intimacy.

Living your truth, and being kind to yourself, would be to speak your truth without an emotional outburst, and then to follow through with your decisions.

Obviously this will take you a long time, and observers will just get impatient, but it is important that you are aware of what is going on and what is NOT going on.

When you're 55, 44 will have seemed like spring chicken material.

    Bookmark   May 14, 2009 at 10:28AM
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Someone wise has said that it's better to be alone because you live alone than to be "with" someone, and yet alone.

    Bookmark   May 14, 2009 at 4:56PM
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I don't understand how women can "really love him" when he is cheating on his wife, being nice when he wants financial help, being abusive at other times. That's not love, that just "need". You need someone bad enough to be used and abused.

    Bookmark   May 17, 2009 at 7:57PM
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I'll tell you what I would call him, a Tick, they suck you dry and then fall off and go their marry way. Get rid of the jerk!

    Bookmark   May 24, 2009 at 9:04AM
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I had an affair with one of my best friends over 8 years ago - he was (and still is married!).

So, you have an affair with a married man, steal him from his wife and children, then complain that he uses you, doesn't give you affection, is verbally abusive and shows you no respect? Ha!! I call that KARMA! Serves you right to suffer, baby!

    Bookmark   May 24, 2009 at 8:53PM
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"...she lives with my ex who actually is a great guy but he cheated on me. "

So, let me get this straight. Your ex cheated on you but he really is a great guy.

You're living with a guy who cheated on his wife.

Honey, you need to develop some self esteem and learn what healthy, honest relationships feel like. Stop lowering yourself and accepting being abused. People will treat you the way you allow them to. Stand up for yourself and accept no less than respectable treatment.

    Bookmark   May 25, 2009 at 12:59AM
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If a guy treats his wife as this guy has treated his, he'll also treat women on the side, or subsequent GF's/wives, the same way. Sad, but true. I learned this years ago when my dad left my mom for another woman. She never could understand why he ended up (in a short time) treating her just as he'd treated my mom.

    Bookmark   May 29, 2009 at 6:42PM
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Better understanding, now, why there are so many scummy guys around. Idiot women put up with them. I still think the OP is a hoax. Unbelievable.

    Bookmark   May 31, 2009 at 7:57PM
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WAKE UP.....he will never divorce his wife and is only using you....and likes your money~~
Get out of this mess and get on with your own life without this leech~~

    Bookmark   June 1, 2009 at 12:34PM
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I also think it is a hoax. The American Idol thing stucks out like a sore thumb.
However on the slim chance that it isn't; one way to get rid of him really fast is to just tell him there is no more $ and no more freebies coming from you - and back it up with action. He will leave so fast the door will be spinning.

    Bookmark   June 1, 2009 at 6:18PM
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as soon as I have read about American Idol i know this is not for real. why mention American idol? it doesn't even go with anything. this is not for real.

    Bookmark   June 1, 2009 at 8:10PM
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I don't see where you get the idea it is a hoax. I don't know one way or the other, but I am old enough to have seen this kind of stuff going on most of my adult life. As a matter of fact my neighbor who is in her mid 80's has a nice little trust fund set up by a married male friend. The only difference in her case and this one is that she was involved with a decent man who truly cared about her welfare. and I have watched enough court shows to know it goes on all the time.

    Bookmark   June 6, 2009 at 1:23PM
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You divorced your daughters father for cheating on you but still choose to live with a man who is married to someone else. UNNNNbelievable.

    Bookmark   June 9, 2009 at 4:20PM
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