I'm So Lonesome I Could Die....

LilbugMay 5, 2012

I keep humming this old Elvis song to keep from crying.

My husband and I have been married for 25 years. What used to be very, very good is just empty. A waste land. He never touches me anymore, notices me, holds my hand; notice when I get a new blouse, change my hair, etc. We have been intimate only 1 time in 5 months.

I realized about 10 years ago that I was almost always the one to initiate intimate things (even hand holding), and told him that that made me feel undesirable. He said he would try; but he still didn't do anything differently. (In case you're wondering, it wasn't that way when we were dating, or the first years of marriage)

As the years past he took less and less initiative. He stays away from home as much as possible; stays at work when he doesn't have to, stops at the store for milk and spends and hour, etc.

Almost 2 years ago, I realized that it was getting worse, and really starting to bother me more, (I'm not sure why, maybe "mentalpause"), so I told him how I felt. Still nothing changed.

This past January I realized that I was getting very depressed about it, and was having suicidal thoughts; day dreaming about running away, getting a divorce. I tried talking to him again, and told him that it made me feel very badly to be the one to always initiate things; I asked if he loved me?, had a girlfriend?, etc. He said it was nothing like that, and that he did love me; was attracted to me, but that I would always make the first move right before he got around to it! He said he would try harder to "make the first move from time to time". Well I jokingly, and teasingly said that I wouldn't make the first move ever again! and the ball was in his court. We both laughed and he said he was going to "take me up on that". Well, months passed, nothing.

Our relationship in all ways has gotten more and more strained; to the point we were hardly talking at all. Finally about a month ago I couldn't take it anymore, so I woke him up in the middle of the night and "made the first move". Afterwards I cried and cried, and told him that I felt like such a reject and needed to know what was wrong with me. Why was I not attractive to him. He couldn't give me any answer, just said that it was him, and not me. And of course, since then,...... nothing......... I am so discouraged, so depressed, rejected, lonely.

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There are two ways this could go. You could take him at his word. Assume it's him and not you. Then go to counselling and talk out the issues with someone. Is this a deal breaker- have you come to the point where you're no longer willing to put up with the lack of intimacy, or are there trade-offs you are willing to stay for? You need to let your husband know the stage you're at- he needs to come to counselling as well and work on changing things. If it has become a deal breaker, tell him. Either the relationship improves or you will bail and may well find someone who IS attracted to you.
The other possibility, since he seems to be staying away from home a lot, is someone else, which he denies and which may well not be the case. But you need to tell him, his behaviour doesn't look good.

    Bookmark   May 5, 2012 at 5:17AM
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He sounds depressed. consider seeing a therapist and have some diagnoses and professional assessments.

    Bookmark   May 5, 2012 at 3:39PM
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Maybe he has low testosterone. Wouldn't it be a big mistake for you to run away, die or blow up your marriage if he can be helped with some meds?

Why are you so quick to take responsibility (blame) for things going wrong? I wonder why women always do that? The guy can't get it up, we are to blame? His sex drive is low, so we must be undesireable? He beats us, we asked for it, etc. etc. That has got to stop. How old are you guys, if you don't mind telling?

    Bookmark   May 6, 2012 at 2:15AM
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There are so many possibilities, I wouldn't jump to any conclusions at this point.

I certainly wouldn't assume it's you. Nor would I assume he's having an affair.

First I would ask what he is willing to do to correct the situation. A physical exam is essential. If he has no objection, speak to the doctor as a couple first so that you are certain the doctor is aware of the problem. It may be depression or there may be some physical condition.

Secondly, try counseling. If he doesn't go, you should go on your own to help you sort this out.

If he isn't willing to do either of these things, then I think you have to consider how much longer you can live this way.

Whatever happens, don't blame yourself. Take him at his word that it isn't you.

    Bookmark   May 6, 2012 at 4:21AM
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You guys are so kind and sensitive.
I'm thinking it was about a year and a half ago, I suggested that he may be depressed to him, mainly because he would get very angry very quickly, which was very unlike him (keep in mind, I've known him 28 years, married 25). I've never considered our problems in the bedroom was because of this...hmm. He went to the Dr. and started an antidepressant.
You guys are right, I should take him at his word that it is him and not me. I do love him, still, but my feelings have changed, to what I'm not sure. I think I don't trust him with my feelings- or something like that. I do think that my perimenopause may be one reason I am reacting more. I'm 50, and feel I've taken care of everyone for so long, and am hurt that my needs are the last one anyone considers.
The most bizarre thing happened yesterday. We were at a extended family
event for lunch, and he took my hand. First time in well over a year. On the way home he told me that he wanted to take me out last night, and that he wouldn't take no for an answer. I've never told him no - he was teasing me (so unusual these days). We went out to dinner, and while we were there he told me he has tapered off the antidepressant, and that he wants to make love to me everyday for 7 days in a row, like the TV show, to see if it would help. I was shocked. I said Ok, why the change?, and he said that it was the antidepressant messing him up, and if it wasn't better that maybe it was loT. (Guess its obvious, we watch too much TV!).
I'm wondering if he read what I posted day before yesterday on here. I haven't written anything I haven't told him. I know I felt better after I vented on here. Folks on this forum, thanks for listening, and obviously caring; and Honey, if you're reading this, I do want things to get better, and I do love you.

    Bookmark   May 6, 2012 at 1:01PM
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I hope things get better. I will tell you that when I was on antidepressants, I had absolutely no libido. They definitely have that side effect. I could even look at Brad Pitt, who is my dream man, and feel nothing.

    Bookmark   May 6, 2012 at 4:35PM
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Anti-depressants most definitely affect libido...

    Bookmark   May 8, 2012 at 3:45PM
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See? No reason to die, divorce or be depressed.

Used to be, people went to a counselor or shrink and actually tried to sort out their probems. Now we just get a Happy Pill - better living through chemisty. But meds have side effects. I was watching an ad on TV for some med-the quickly-whispered side effects at the end included suicidal thoughts, TB, cancer, etc. etc.

Of course I realize that many people who have serious depression have been helped by these meds, but it seems like they just prescribe it for everything now and don't tell people what can happen. I lost a dear freind to suicide and I really believe it was due to her meds.

    Bookmark   May 9, 2012 at 2:38AM
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After reading your post I feel i'm not alone here as well. I'm a male who is currently suffering extreme loneliness from my marriage of 13 years. Your husband may be going through a period of depression or "mid life crisis". i went through it several years ago. We have the desire to find things that remind us of are youth. Mine was a motorcycle and that didnt go over well. We have no intimacy or go for days without speaking. The only real conversation is regarding our son or our dogs.Our sex life has been absent for two years so i feel like i'm just a roommate here.So maybe you could look at what he always wanted to do in his youth and see if that would bring him around. It made me happy to get a bike and go riding with m friends but however didnt help my situation here. Just a thought. good luck

    Bookmark   October 4, 2012 at 5:23PM
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I am at the same stage of life as you lilbug.

My married life has improved since we started living a different life. We moved house, downsized, we do lots of things together, the children have moved out, we are even starting French lessons together next week !

We go on long walks together, go to coffee shops, have met new people. I have worked on myself so I am happier and more fulfilled.

We have also improved how we communicate with each other.

I guess the point is that perhaps your marriage needs a new breath of fresh air - some lateral thinking on how you can be a more interesting person.

Perhaps you could ponder on how YOU could change the way in which you relate to him ?

Anyway sounds like you guys will work things out. All the best to you.

    Bookmark   October 6, 2012 at 3:25AM
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