I'm So Lonesome I Could Die....
I keep humming this old Elvis song to keep from crying.
My husband and I have been married for 25 years. What used to be very, very good is just empty. A waste land. He never touches me anymore, notices me, holds my hand; notice when I get a new blouse, change my hair, etc. We have been intimate only 1 time in 5 months.
I realized about 10 years ago that I was almost always the one to initiate intimate things (even hand holding), and told him that that made me feel undesirable. He said he would try; but he still didn't do anything differently. (In case you're wondering, it wasn't that way when we were dating, or the first years of marriage)
As the years past he took less and less initiative. He stays away from home as much as possible; stays at work when he doesn't have to, stops at the store for milk and spends and hour, etc.
Almost 2 years ago, I realized that it was getting worse, and really starting to bother me more, (I'm not sure why, maybe "mentalpause"), so I told him how I felt. Still nothing changed.
This past January I realized that I was getting very depressed about it, and was having suicidal thoughts; day dreaming about running away, getting a divorce. I tried talking to him again, and told him that it made me feel very badly to be the one to always initiate things; I asked if he loved me?, had a girlfriend?, etc. He said it was nothing like that, and that he did love me; was attracted to me, but that I would always make the first move right before he got around to it! He said he would try harder to "make the first move from time to time". Well I jokingly, and teasingly said that I wouldn't make the first move ever again! and the ball was in his court. We both laughed and he said he was going to "take me up on that". Well, months passed, nothing.
Our relationship in all ways has gotten more and more strained; to the point we were hardly talking at all. Finally about a month ago I couldn't take it anymore, so I woke him up in the middle of the night and "made the first move". Afterwards I cried and cried, and told him that I felt like such a reject and needed to know what was wrong with me. Why was I not attractive to him. He couldn't give me any answer, just said that it was him, and not me. And of course, since then,...... nothing......... I am so discouraged, so depressed, rejected, lonely.