Coming apart at the seams, need advice

perkladdMay 21, 2006

I don't know where to begin...I am just hoping that someone can give me some sound advice. (SORRY this is so long)

I've been married for 18 years, I'm now 37. Have two daughter 17 & 14.

There are actually a number of problems going on, and I don't know what to address first.

My husband is very into playing poker, online and out at night doing so. I have no say on if he goes or not, he just does what he wants to. It's gotten really to the point where he is so preoccupied with it that we don't have any realtionship at all. When he loses, if he's playing online, he starts yelling every filthy word, throws things around, etc. etc.

He has a very bad temper. Sometimes he will just fly into a rage.(not just at poker, at anything) In the past he has physically hit me, or come after me. So when I hear all his yelling, temper tantrums I immediately start shaking and have anxiety.

We have no intimate (sexual) relations. He has come up with two reasons for this, that I have gained wieght (20 lbs) and the other being that he is having "male" problems. It's not that it really bothers me, but I do miss having human contact.

He had an affair, when the kids were toddlers, which I witnessed with my own eyes. Then he came crying to me, etc. and his mom begged me to stay with him.

He sometimes goes out with his old buddies and does drugs.

This is an example of Mother's Day last week. My husband is very concerned about his looks, and getting old. He is constantly trying to act and dress "young". He had to go out and buy a 50+k corvette. He had some grey hairs, (I couldn't even detect them), but he goes to the drugstore and buys haircolor for men. Anyway he must have bought the wrong shade or something because it was BLACK, and he is a brunette, almost dark blonde. Now when anybody sees him they immediately ask what happened. He then get's a really angry look on his face and I can tell he is about to blow.( I had no idea he was coloring his hair) So, on Mother's Day his dad comes over and makes remarks about the hair, I tried to tell him, "Oh honey, it's okay" as his dad was going on and on. He picked up the large cup of drink that he had and threw it in my face. I was soaked and walked away to go upstairs. I felt like the biggest piece of scum.

He has always had a huge obsession in pornography. At one point I had to take the channel box with the "porno" channel hook-eups and disconnect it from our TV, and threw it in a garbage can on the other side of town. This because I did not want my daughters to be affected by this, as he would not "lock" these channels off.

Anyway, these are just the top off the iceburg issues.

I just recenlty found out that I have high blood pressure, which is just another red flag that I need to start taking better care of myself I know. My doctor diagnosed me with PTSD and panic disorder last year. Alot of this is due to my marital situation.

My nephew (25) is supposed to move into our basement, so that he could save some money up, but I am really wondering if that is such a good idea. How do I tell him that this won't work out without sounding like a jerk? I don't even feel comfortable in my house, I surely don't think anybody else would. He is very rude to my nephew to begin with, and makes sure to act especially rude to me when my nephew is around, (ie, yells at me, throws things at me). Then he says "Oh I was just kidding!" "Oh big deal" "Oh I was upset at my game".

He has a mindset that if there is a problem, he just ignores it. Thinks it is just going to disappear. He then blames everything on me, and says all the stuff I don't do so i feel like crap. Whether it is something with the bills that need to be addressed, or something around the house that needs to be fixed, our daughters need help, discipline.

He wants me to pay the bills, but all of the money is in his name. What he gives me is not enough to cover the bills, but then I am in trouble.

I really hoped that I could get through all this until my youngest gets out of high school. That way she wouldn't have to switch schools. We live in a beautiful neighborhood, we built our home here not too long ago. To others it seems like he is so successful, etc. He has his own business, which I helped him start & build from nothing, but now he says that isn't true, and that I have never done anything. Whatever hobbies or interests I have he bashes them. Nobody would ever think that my life is almost unbearable. I am not going to tell my friend(s) any of this, and most of them wouldn't believe it because he can be so charming when he needs to be. That and it is terribly emabrrassing.

I don't know what to do, or how to start. How do I explain to my nephew that it isn't a good idea about him moving in? Any help is greatly appreciated. Many Thanks for taking the time to read my post.

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You don't need advice. You need a backbone. You're living with a dangerous beast. Get yourself and your girls out of there. Flee to safety now. Worry about everything else later.

    Bookmark   May 21, 2006 at 1:02PM
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DITTO!!!!!! Sounds much like my own sister's situation, and since the BF doesn't like me, (they've been together 10+ yrs.), me & sis don't talk. Everyone else that knows him thinks he's an a$$hole as well. RUN, don't walk to your nearest domestic violence counselor/shelter. The longest of journeys begin with one step. Wish you luck, and keep us posted. I have REAL concern for you & your kids safety. Hope he doesn't see'll probably set him off. Sounds like he has some real control issues. Nothing that my foot up his you-know-what wouldn't cure. Good luck.
Emma in PA

    Bookmark   May 21, 2006 at 9:18PM
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He's a physical and emotional abuser. If he's not willing to go to counseling with whom the person specializes in abusive relationships, it's time to jump ship. You are experiencing physical and emtional illness because of it. Been there, done that, life goes on.

Get your own credit card, bank account etc... have a plan. He will likely cut you off (financially) as soon as he's put on the spot, so be prepared. Be sure that you are the one who files for divorce (if it comes to that) so you can file it in the court that most benefits your interest. Some (good) lawyers will do a flat rate divorce if your funds are limited, but it's best to make him pay the fees.

You have a right to half of "his" business (it's not just his), he should buy you out or continue handing over some of the profit.

It's likely to the outside world he seems like a great guy. Behind closed doors he's an ogre. If so, don't expect much sympathy from people who haven't seen his dark side, but that's okay.


    Bookmark   May 23, 2006 at 10:53AM
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Adding: Tell your nephew the truth, he'll understand. Maybe he can move in after the ogre has left the building.

    Bookmark   May 23, 2006 at 10:56AM
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If you like to confer in private perhaps we can set up a private email account on yahoo. Your situation mirrors exactly what I went through ten years ago. I'm remarried and happy, you deserve the same.

Also, don't leave the house. If you have to file papers, you can include an injunction that orders him out of the house. It may get worse before it gets better, I don't regret getting out for one second.

You don't need a backbone, you need help.

    Bookmark   May 23, 2006 at 11:10AM
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You didn't mention too much how he interacts with your two daughters, does he? Does he abuse you in front of them (and verbal abuse is abuse)? You are setting up your daughters to marry the exact same kind of person you are with right now. If they are unhappy in the home, and you are unhappy in the home, you should seriously consider leaving. I'm sure your daughters would rather see their parents divorced than witness what you are describing above day after day. Even if you are not ready to leave, go to a women's shelter and talk to them, they can give you valuable advice, even legal advice. Tell your nephew honestly why he can't live there, there is trouble in the home, and it would not be appropriate for him to stay there, he will understand. Wouldn't it be better to be upfront with him, than have him move in and join the misery? Good luck to you, and keep us updated.

    Bookmark   May 23, 2006 at 11:20AM
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Chemocurl zn5b/6a Indiana

Please seek help immediately, even if it is some clergy, or you start with your family doctor.

Staying together for the kids is not necessarily the best thing for them. How much more abuse do they really need to see? Is he verbally abusing them as well? This is harmful to them. I doubt if they would really want Mom to be a martyr just for them. My Mom was, and I wish she would NOT have been.

Wishing you well...


    Bookmark   June 19, 2006 at 1:46PM
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