Can asking a question be selfish?
Okay marriage forum, I really need some perspective tonight. I've been out of town (for my job) since Monday. DH was stressed knowing it would be him and our toddler for 3 nights--DH has been grouchy the last few weeks from pain; the doc said it was probably sciatica. DH didn't relish the extra responsibility while I was gone.
On Wednesday morning (~ 6am) DH called me to say he was in severe pain, I guess he'd done something to aggravate his back and had fallen down from the pain. He asked me what he should do. I immediately said I would call my mom to see if she could come over and help him until I returned but he said no. Then I suggested that he go see the doc after he dropped our toddler at day care; he said no b/c he HAD to go to work that day for critical meetings. So I said maybe he could ask his sister to help him but he was reticent to do that either. At some point the conversation ended but I worried about him and couldn't focus on work. Later in the morning I thought maybe I could try to take an earlier flight home that evening: I called and suggested it to him but he said no, not to do that and not to worry. I decided to stick w/the original plans to fly back in the early afternoon today.
At the airport, they announced that our flight was overbooked and offered an incentive to two people who would give up their seats and take the next flight that was an hour later. I thought "Maybe I could do that, it's just an hour..." and I called DH (who stayed home from work today due to pain but still refused to go to the doctor) to ask him if he'd be okay with me arriving home an hour later than originally planned and explained the incentive etc. He sounded angry on the phone but said "Do whatever you want" and I asked him what that was supposed to mean. Then he said something like "If that's what my back pain is worth to you then I see where we stand" and I said "If you want me to come home on this flight I will". DH said something like "Why should I have to tell you that, you should know how much pain I'm in and how hard it is for me to deal w/our son like this--you shouldn't have even asked". I think I said "Well why didn't you just tell me that you wanted me to come home?" and he said he shouldn't have to tell me that and it was selfish of me to want him to say that; I shouldn't have even asked.
I don't get it!? I mean, using his logic, should I have been angry when he called me to tell me about his back problem Wednesday morning, when I was clearly not able to help him directly and ended up being more worried about him? Was that selfish of him? How is it selfish to ask him if he'd be okay w/me taking a later flight? I would think the selfish thing would be if I took the flight w/out telling him.
I keep thinking that we need to discuss this incident in marriage counseling, but I don't know that I can wait that long b/c I want feedback now, I want something to chew on and think about. This is really bothering me because I don't understand how he can say I was being selfish.