Right out of nowhere - a bad argument!

scarlett2001May 17, 2010

Is it tornado season or what? I think things are going along fine -or at least ok -and them Boom! Right out of nowhere, a nasty fight with yelling and the whole stupid mess. And now hours of silence. I have been told to go *!!# myself and I yelled back I can do that just fine without your help, you know, all the dumb stuff people say when they get really mad. And over nothing that couldn't have been avoided or settled like adults.

Is this the norm in every marriage? Is it possible to live together without making fools of yourself and the other person you supposedly love more than anything else in the world? Cause I really, really don't like it all. I would rather get a root canal than go through this.

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catlettuce

Yea, it seems with us two, things will be going fairly smooth & uneventful then Boom! All hell breaks loose.

Now when things get to comfortable I get really tense & just wait for it. Not much to offer you except that I really enjoyed your answer to his suggestion. I may have to borrow that sometime.

hope it all blows over for you, it really stinks getting the silent treatment, esp when the fight is about something silly.

(Hugs)

Cat

    Bookmark   May 17, 2010 at 1:23AM
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darrah

I know how you feel. It often seems like everyone else has this marriage thing all figured out except for my husband and me.

The only consolation I have, and it is a big one, is that when the chips are down I know I can always count on him to come thru for me no matter what I am facing and he knows he can count on me. When all is said and done, after 43 years of marriage, he is still my best friend and I am his.

    Bookmark   May 17, 2010 at 1:43AM
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scarlett2001

Cat, thanks for the hugs - I NEEDED that right now. And Darrah, I know he would come through for me and I for him, so why do we say such hateful stuff when we are mad? The big crises in life we always weather. It seems the day to day stuff is what gets us down. One minute it's an ordinary day and ten minutes later I'm out in the yard, planning a divorce. (He can have the Porsche but I get the cats...)

    Bookmark   May 17, 2010 at 1:54AM
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popi_gw

Hugs to you scarlett. Very upsetting.

I think its what you do when things calm down that is important. The apologies... Perhaps a gentle chat about what went wrong and see what you can learn from it so you don't make that mistake again.

All the best.

    Bookmark   May 17, 2010 at 3:07AM
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finedreams

It sucks, but fights are normal. Sometimes just got to blow some steam.

My mother is the most peaceful not argumentative type, never raises her voice or using profanity. My dad was picking up a fight once, and mom grabbed a plate threw it on the floor and screamed "F$$4 U". My dad was like an angle for a long time after that, like for years, and didn't dare to pick any fights LOL I was laughing hard when she told me, i asked what's with dad being so overly nice lately, mom told me what happened. LOL

Hugs

    Bookmark   May 17, 2010 at 9:35PM
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scarlett2001

Well, tonight the hostilities have ceased and the permafrost has set in. Tomorrow we have major houseguests coming - could this get any worse?

    Bookmark   May 18, 2010 at 2:25AM
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silversword

I'm sorry Scarlett. I hope it thaws soon. (((hugs)))

    Bookmark   May 18, 2010 at 10:57AM
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asolo

Trouble with p---sing matches is you can't un-say what's been said. And everybody remembers forever. Lasting damage inevitable. One of the reasons they invented "anger management". Anger comes on its own, like grief or other emotions. However, we each have a responsibility to handle it. Acting on it as you've described is poison. Sounds to me like husband and wife both need to work on that.

Yes, you CAN discuss it. But nobody gets to shout. I've read your many other posts. You know how to do this.

    Bookmark   May 18, 2010 at 2:36PM
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scarlett2001

Asolo, I'm so glad to see you back! I missed your pithy (I'm not lisping) comments and your no-nonsense assessments. Also, we need a guy here to balance the ying with the yang.

To the rest of you who have responded, I really appreciate it! When you get in this situation, you really want to talk to somebody and you can't take it to your friends (they are HIS friends, too) or God forbid, your mom, who will remind you that she TOLD you not to marry that payaso.

So today he is riveted to the golf channel and I am cleaning house, listening to the Stones and eating more junk food than I have devoured in a month. Just let this mess be over with, please!

    Bookmark   May 18, 2010 at 5:00PM
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asolo

Yang says thanks. But you really should put this to bed. You know it will come again if you don't. If you can't disagree and/or argue without blowing, you're bound to have a sad life....always waiting/wondering about the next trigger and whether or not you can do this or say that without setting the other person off. No way to live together, IMHO.

I'm biased. Along with smoking and a few other things, uncontrolled anger is one of my personal deal-breakers. Known too many families where that was the MO and resolved long ago not to have it in my life. May not apply to others.

    Bookmark   May 18, 2010 at 6:37PM
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silversword

"When you get in this situation, you really want to talk to somebody and you can't take it to your friends (they are HIS friends, too) or God forbid, your mom, who will remind you that she TOLD you not to marry that payaso. "

AMEN Scarlett!!! Now put the junk food down.... slowly... and go for a walk instead :)

    Bookmark   May 19, 2010 at 12:23AM
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scarlett2001

Houseguests have gone and some semblance of peace has been restored. We had to put on our host and hostess smiles and soldier through the last several days. Once he kicked me under the table but that was a faux pas on his part because I kicked him back and I had on very high heels.

I still don't know what was really happening and hope it was just a little bump in the rocky road of matrimony.

    Bookmark   May 25, 2010 at 8:58PM
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silversword

Scarlett, I think last week was the twilight zone of communication. I swear I told my DH several things, he denies. And vice-versa. We were finally able to laugh it off... but...

I hear you. It happens. I wish you the best!

    Bookmark   May 26, 2010 at 10:21AM
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dirtundermyfingers

I am so glad to read this post and realize that I am not the only one that has to deal with pi**y husbands and the occasional blow up. We had one yesterday that was a zinger, things said and deals broken. Then I wake up this morning and it is all over, doesn't help that that time of the month is here and PMS is going ahead full speed.:)

Stacie

    Bookmark   July 3, 2010 at 10:10AM
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suzieque

And you just let it go, with no apologies (from either of you) and no discussion about why it happened? Is that helpful?

    Bookmark   July 4, 2010 at 7:24PM
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asolo

And we males know that you never forget anything we ever said so we'll be walking on eggshells until the next one wherein you'll recapitulate every single word and ask us "what we meant by that"....etc.

Suggest wrap it up and put it behind you now. Don't wait. If you wait another day, he'll have forgotten what you're upset about. Pretty much like punishing your dog for something he did yesterday. He'll accept it because he loves you but he won't understand any of it.

    Bookmark   July 4, 2010 at 9:43PM
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marge727

One of the problems people have is that whatever you get used to--seems normal to you. And you think its like that in everybody's house. It isn't. I have been married this time for over 10 years and we argued some at the beginning but very rarely now. What is there to argue about? You need to figure out what the basic issues are & some solutions, and its usually kids, money, time. I suppose alcohol abuse and infidelity but I don't think thats your problem Scarlett as I am sure you would kick butt if he was doing that.

    Bookmark   July 21, 2010 at 8:57PM
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blondiel

Nasty things said during arguments is not healthy. Resentment builds and one day, all hell breaks loose and your marriage is over. Things said when a person is drunk or really angry are things that they feel and want to say but don't have enough nerve to say unless they are drunk or angry. Regardless of how it looks, it is emotional and mental abuse. Only you can decide how much abuse you can take. I do suggest that you google emotional abuse and determine if there are signs in your marriage.

    Bookmark   July 26, 2010 at 10:39PM
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scarlett2001

Nope, no emotional or mental abuse, no alcohol, no infidelity, just a plain old garden-variety marital argument. We made up like nice people. The underlying cause was (is) he gets on my nerves. If any of you know a cure for that, let me know. No, I'm not going to divorce him. That would be like burning down your house because you had ants. Besides, what if I then found another house that had even worse ants, you know?

    Bookmark   July 30, 2010 at 11:42PM
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