My girlfriend wants me to stop talking to my baby's mom

renarutoMay 9, 2011

Hi please give me your opinion so I could show to my girlfriend, then I will post her reaction. I am a 33 years old man with a 12 years old son. I have had a girlfriend for almost a year and it bothers her that my ex text me or call me regarding my son issues. She does not want me to talk or get text from her. my son is going by that rebellious stage and is giving my ex a lot of trouble. I am in the military and my ex live in DC with my son. I live In CA so I am a bit away from my son and his life. Therefore, I see my girl's behavior as irrational and even selfish to a point that I am questioning our relationship and future. I have explained that I have no feelings for my ex and that she is the one I want, but that does not help. I give you the last two instances where my girl text. My son tried to hit her and text me, then today he was acting like spoiled brag when she tried to take him for a hike. My girl reaction was that she should have handled the situation and don't bother me. Whenever my ex contact me regarding my son and that is the only time she does, it does not bother me because I already feel bad about no been there for my son. Sometimes, I feel like abondoning my career in the military and moving close to him ( not with her, that will never happen). Am I been irrational? what is your opinion about my situation? Please forgive my English...

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Your girlfriend is bein immature and jelous.Of course you shouldnt stop talking to your ex.Its good for your son that you still communicate.Tell your girl to grow up.

    Bookmark   May 9, 2011 at 2:42AM
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I can't believe I'm agreeing with tracystoke, but, yes, your girlfriend is being unreasonable. Unless you're texting back sweet nothings she can have no reason to object to you discussing your son with his mother. Since you're on opposite sides of the country your GF can hardly think you're going to rush off and date your ex or anything.

    Bookmark   May 9, 2011 at 5:06AM
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Your girlfriend has no say in your relationship with your son. Period. You are doing the right thing. You ex is keeping you in the loop about your son and that is good. Tell your girlfriend that this is how it is going to be. Your son is the most important person in your life, as it should be. If she doesn't like it then she can move on. A child needs to know both parents still love and care for him even if they get divorced and one parent is miles and miles away. NancyLouise

    Bookmark   May 9, 2011 at 7:47AM
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Good for your for staying involved with your son; yes, it'd be best if you could be close to him but if that's not possible right now you're still doing the right thing. Do you also talk with your son and visit him when you can?

As far as your girlfriend goes, she is, in my opinion, completely wrong. She sounds immature, jealous, and unreasonable. She should support you in your efforts to be involved in your son's life. If she is trying to stop you from interacting with your ex for issues related to your son, she is in the wrong. She should be very impressed that you are communicating with your son's mother and not abandoning him. Good for you. Perhaps you need to find someone who respects your parenting.


    Bookmark   May 9, 2011 at 8:41AM
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Your girlfriend is a dope. Suggest setting her straight in no uncertain terms with the understanding that she may reject you because of it. Lots of girlfriend candidates. One son. This is bedrock stuff. She must be very immature.

    Bookmark   May 9, 2011 at 7:38PM
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I think you are being a responsible, loving father and your girlfriend should ponder that.

I think she is being immature and possessive.

    Bookmark   May 9, 2011 at 9:06PM
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I do not have anything against my boyfriend being a good father to his son. In fact, I strongly encourage him to have communication with him. Not so long ago his son came to visit him for spring week and I offered him to bring him over to my house the entire week so he wouldn't be bored at his house. It gave me a chance to meet his son and get to know him. I was a very good host and took good care of him. From the time that his son was here, not once did I see any bad rebellious attitude that his ex-wife complains about so much. His son was well behaved, sweet and very respectful.

I never told my boyfriend to stop talking to his ex-wife about their son. I simply asked him to just put a limit on the number of times and the types of things she texts him or calls him to complain about. I find it to be ridiculous some of the things that she complains about. I completely understand if his boy is sick or has some kind of school related problem with grades or something of that importance that my boyfriend needs to be made aware of so he can talk to his son but to constantly text my boyfriend with texts saying that his son did not want to go hiking with his ex-wife? I question that kind of communication. I feel that she is just using her son as an excuse to still have communication with my boyfriend. Not to mention, she still continues to communicate with my boyfriend's brothers, sisters, and ex-mother in law. In fact, my boyfriend has told me that his ex-wife has always wanted to get back with him. His son has a cell phone and my boyfriend can call his son anytime he wants. If my boyfriend was still together with his ex, I can understand that his ex-wife would have the right to be telling him about every little thing like this because they are still together but now they are divorced. In fact she remarried and recently divorced again. She chose to take this responsibility and needs to figure out how to handle some of these situations on own. I have a feeling that his ex-wife is either doing this to bug and interfere in our relationship or she no longer wants the responsibility to take care of their son. A couple of days ago she texted him saying that he will need to take care of their son because she wants to move to a different country, and I told my boyfriend that I will support him on any decision he takes. By me saying this, I don't believe I am being irrational.

Sometimes our conversation has to be interrupted because his ex-wife texts him about something that is bothering her with their son. It could be in the morning, late at night or even when we are being intimate.

Where is my place as a girlfriend? We are thinking about a future together and I feel that my boyfriend really needs to tell his ex-wife to back-off a bit. What kind of girlfriend will tolerate a guy where his ex-wife constantly wants to be in the picture? I think the selfish one here is his ex-wife. She needs to let my boyfriend move on and realize that he is no longer her husband that she can bug whenever she wants or perhaps it is my boyfriend who still wants to still hold on to his past with his ex-wife? In my opinion, his ex-wife will need to go to some parenting classes and learn how to deal with a teenager. What do you all think? Am I being immature, jealous, selfish and irrational?

    Bookmark   May 9, 2011 at 11:33PM
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Aha - the other side of the story! There always is one. Ok, given what you've written, jeika03, I'm with you now. However, I suspect that the whole story lies somewhere in between.

There is absolutely no reason, in my opinion, for your conversations to be interrupted by a text from the ex. Texts can be read at a better time - they don't disappear if they're not read immediately. If it's an emergency and needs quick attention, a phone call should be made instead of a text.

I think the real problem here is not the son, not the ex. It's the inability of the 2 of you to communicate and understand each other. The difference between what you two wrote is astounding. Is this a problem in all of your interactions or just this one? It doesn't bode well for your future.

Renaruto, after reading what jeika wrote, do you better understand what she's trying to express to you? And Jeika, regarding the ex still being involved with the in-laws? I don't think that's a terrible thing. They are the grandparents to her son. And, she was a member of their family for awhile. I've grieved the loss of a dear sister-in-law because of her and my brothers' divorce, and I think it'd be great to be able to have some communication with her.

Can you guys work this out?

    Bookmark   May 10, 2011 at 7:34AM
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Thank you very much for everyone who responded to our dilemma. Suzieque to answer your question, yes I do feel that we can work out our dilemma, however, it takes two. Both of us have to put our effort into it and do our part to fix the problem. Everything has a solution except death.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2011 at 3:08AM
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I think the problem lies with the boyfriend. He has set no real boundaries with the ex and allows himself to be 'interrupted' by a text or a phone call. Ever heard of the ignore button or the power button??

If he is ok with her communication and it's not bothering him that he is being updated by his cross country ex about their son, then really... It's his problem. Ex isn't being selfish, she's doing what she feels is ok because those are the boundaries he has set.

If boyfriend doesn't understand girlfriends feelings and doesn't want to stop communication with ex over son, and girlfriend can't accept his feelings for wanting to be as involved as possible via text/phone calls then I think you might need to throw the fish back and try for another...
You only have 1 son, you can't replace him or get these times back... Your son comes first. When he becomes an adult then you can stop getting updates on his behavior... And so forth. And then you can date and not have to worry about having someone not understand your feelings of wanting to be plugged in to your kid.

    Bookmark   May 13, 2011 at 10:39PM
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This is BS...I have been with my girlfriend for almost a year and probably received 3 calls and about 10 texts. The fact that the truth is been distorted is more disturbing than the issue with my son becoming about her. Never has sex been interrupted by a phone call or a txt msg. Most of the stuff she knows is because I consulted with her and I could tell she was bothered by the subject. We are only together in the weekends so not ground to say she is always communicating with me. Like I said maybe 3 calls and 10 texts in a year. That she feels threaten by my ex and not by her selfish action which are making me recent her really confuse me. Anyway, since the facts are been distorted getting help from this forum won't possible.

    Bookmark   May 15, 2011 at 6:17PM
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Oh, buck up! Do you expect clairvoyance among your responders? All anyone here knows is what you wrote the first time....which didn't include any of those things you just wrote in your ONLY response so far.

"Distorted facts..."? Go soak your head. You are not suited to participation in a public forum.

    Bookmark   May 15, 2011 at 7:40PM
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The facts may only be distorted by her or me, so Asolo you go soak your head or anything you want... The comment was not directed at the forum members...

    Bookmark   May 16, 2011 at 9:23AM
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I think renaruto was referring to the post that his girlfriend (jeika03) made, which presented a completely opposite viewpoint. Renaruto, you're correct - the problems you 2 have cannot be resolved on a forum. Frankly, you're only dating; I think it's been made evident that you're not a match made in Heaven. In my opinion, you should both cut your losses and move on. You're miles apart in your ways of thinking and in how you process things.

    Bookmark   May 16, 2011 at 9:43AM
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Ditto suzieque.

That head-soaking did me good. Still recommend it to renaruto.

    Bookmark   May 16, 2011 at 9:48AM
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12 year olds can have a cell phone. Texting needs to stop, if not go back to her

    Bookmark   May 30, 2011 at 10:11PM
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ok renaruto this may be a case in which you provided way too much info and details about your ex wife to your new girlfriend and now she is using that against you which imo is immature and only shows how insecure she really is, i only say that because this exact situation has happened to me before only thing different is that my son is 5 yo and is unable to keep a cell phone....women can be very good at hiding their true feelings about certain issues to get you to open up to them and disclose unnecessary information and due to their own insecurities will make you the bad guy when all you were doing from the get go is being totally honest ...i do believe that sometimes theres such a thing as being too honest...did you really have to tell your new gf that your ex wife still wants you?... by saying that you set your self up for constant drama and nagging everytime she contacts you whether it is important or not...any way the answer to your problem lies in your heart i made my decision to make my son a priority and had to break up with my previous gf the good thing was that i am now with a woman who understands and supports my decision to be a good father and doesnt question the communication between me and my sons mother it is truly a beautiful feeling to not feel like you have to choose sides between the ones you love if she really loves and respects you she will trust you and leave it all up to you to set boundaries with your ex wife without having to butt in...hope this advice is not too late

    Bookmark   August 18, 2011 at 6:36PM
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The bottom line is that parenting a teen is a 24/7 proposition. It doesn't matter how many times the ex texts, it doesn't matter how much time you devote to raising your son, especially if you're doing your best to be a long distance father. IT'S YOUR #1 RESPONSIBILITY NOW and for at least the next 8 years (possibly longer given the trends of today's society).

Sorry, girlfriend--if you don't want to deal with a boyfriend who is involved with the responsibility of raising a child, then bottom line, you need to find a boyfriend who has no children. ANY parent's first responsiblity is to their child. Even happily married people find that they often need to put each other second, during their child-raising years. We did--knowing that eventually, we'd have time to devote to each other once our daughter was safely raised, adequately educated and on her own. But until that happens (when they're in their mid-20's if you're lucky) the kids always come first--getting the lion's share of the good parent's time, attention, emotions, finances, and heart.

    Bookmark   August 24, 2011 at 9:36PM
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