Is my marriage over?

squidmufnMay 14, 2010

I have been married about 2 years and we are having major problems.

My husband is VERY needy. He blows up and gets extremely angry if I do not cuddle/hug/kiss him enough. I feel like I am walking on eggshells wondering if I have cuddled him enough.

Well, over a week ago I was talking to him about something and obviously I annoyed him and he said "Just go away". I was angry he said this and I indeed "went away" and went to the bed to lay down. Well, he gets VERY upset if I attempt to go to bed before him because he wants us to go to bed together and he wants me to cuddle him as he falls asleep. He saw me in the bed and BLEW UP and turned into a monster. He slammed all the doors and cussed me out. Then when he came out I tried to talk to him but he wouldn't talk to me. He said I am cold and insensitive and I don't give him the affection he needs. He said he was going to cheat on me and that he knows lots of women he could sleep with.

I tried to talk to him but had no luck and went to bed crying all night. He has now ignored me for 8 days straight. I tried to talk to him the day after the fight. I tried to hug him but he pushed me away and said "I don't care about you".

Two days ago I texted him and said this ignoring thing is immature and asked him if he wanted to stop ignoring each other. He said he'd only stop ignoring me if I agreed that I am at fault and that I need to take the marriage seriously and show him more affection. In the meantime, he has not been wearing his wedding ring and refuses to look or talk at me. How is this taking the marriage seriously?

Anyway, I am desperate. I know he will NEVER come talk to me first. He will ignore me for 2 or 3 months I am sure. What should I do? I am not as affectionate as he wants me to be but I think he is overly needy. Is this marriage over? HELP!

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popi_gw

He is immature. He is blaming you for all the problems in the marriage. He is irrational.

Marriage is about compromise, about dispensing with the blame, and working together to overcome disagreements in a calm and sensible way. This comes with practice.

He is violent towards you, which is a concern for you, as he could physically harm you. You should not have to put up with such behavior from anybody.

He is trying to manipulate you by saying that YOU are the cause of the problems, when clearly you are not.

I would say that there are serious issues that need to be addressed. You are right to be concerned, as the behavior that is going on is not normal.

Please do not have any children with this person.

Only you can decide whether the marriage is over. But you have a few things in your favour. You have only been married a short time, no children....I hope !, and you could try again and still have a happy life. You could learn from this experience and adopt some valuable communication skills.

Good luck, don't put up with crap.

    Bookmark   May 14, 2010 at 1:20AM
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suzieque

If it was ME who was in your place, the marriage would indeed be over and I'd tell him not to let the door hit him on the way out.

I assume that you intended to marry a man, not a whiny, needy little boy. Ick.

    Bookmark   May 14, 2010 at 10:23AM
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azzalea

He's being abusive to you.

Only you can answer your question about whether your marriage is over or not.

But let me ask you this--do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? Walking on egg shells? being treated like a small child? being blamed for things that aren't your fault? being physically, verbally and emotionally abused?

I know what my answer would be. There are times when we have to fight tooth and nail to make a marriage or relationship work--but that's only successful when BOTH parties want the relationship to work, and both are willing to do what it takes to succeed. No matter how much you may want to, it's impossible for ONE person to make a marriage work.

I'll go one step further--in reading your post, it really sounds to me as if your husband may be mentally ill. But I'm guessing he's not the type to admit to that, nor to seek help.

Have you considered getting some counselling for yourself? I really think it would be a good idea at this point. You have some very serious issues to deal with. While we internet strangers can sympathize with you and feel badly for you, I think from what you describe, your best bet is to get some professional help, rather than relying on the advice of people you don't know, who don't know you or your husband.

Good luck to you. Your story is so sad, and I really hope you find some peace and a better life.

    Bookmark   May 14, 2010 at 12:22PM
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sylviatexas1

Blowing up, demanding "affection" when you are exhausted, punishing you, insisting that you "acknowledge" or "admit" that everything is your fault is much worse than immaturity, it's classic abuse.

& it always, until you die (at which time he'll find anotehr scapegoat/victim), gets worse & worse & worse.

    Bookmark   May 14, 2010 at 12:41PM
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dawnp

This is an abusive man!

Please get yourself a book on emotional abuse and read it.

I agree with the other poster that councelling for you would be a great idea.

There is also a great website. It is DrIrene.com. It is a great source of information.

Please don't let him make you believe it is your fault. It is not!!!

    Bookmark   May 14, 2010 at 7:55PM
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azmom

Sorry, this may sound very harsh, the person whom you need to deal with first is yourself. You really need to get counseling to understand why you have been putting up with such type of crazy behavior from this immature, abusive, unstable mental case.

Why are you asking if your marriage is over? What you have is not a marriage.

What you have described is very scary, it is so hard to believe.....

    Bookmark   May 15, 2010 at 3:18AM
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finedreams

oh please...what's going on?

someone else described similar problem, husband wants to cuddle and have sex 24/7, but as the thread progressed and people honestly gave advice that pertained to sex, we have learned more details: he cheats with gay men, he is volatile, he is a drunk. So cuddling 24/7 was not even a problem.

so please tell us what else is going before people start giving advice. is there more to a story? does he drink, use drugs, has mental illness, cheats, has no job, has criminal record etc,

    Bookmark   May 15, 2010 at 8:10AM
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francis1111

id kick him out and let him ignore you from a distance and see how that works for him, if he loves u he wont stay gone.

    Bookmark   May 19, 2010 at 10:37PM
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bstearman18

i agree with Fines post. As someone that's been in an abusive relationship, get out now. I was dumb enough to stay for the emotional abuse and the cheating, but the night he hit me I've never seen him again. The thing is he wants total control, that's all what it's about with abusers...the total control. I hope this helps and you seek on getting yourself out of there. It may not seem that big of deal to you (as it did for me with the emotional abuse) until later after I left him. I had no confedince in myself and I was depressed for a long time, so please don't stay. You may not see it now, but you will later how crappy he is!

    Bookmark   May 20, 2010 at 8:12AM
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poppingrays

If your husband truly loves you, he would not treat you like this. He is controlling and has an obsession with you, and that is not healthy in any situation! You must tell him he is to go to counseling with you or you are going to walk away before you spend another 2,3,10 or 20 years being treated this way. Sometimes the hardest things we go through are the best for us in the long run... Blessings on your situation.

    Bookmark   May 20, 2010 at 3:55PM
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birdhumming

Did you mean say your husband or 2 year old?? Just wondering.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2010 at 3:30PM
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kris_zone6

I would walk, no, I would run out of that marriage now. If necessary, I would even go to an abused women's shelter.

    Bookmark   July 24, 2010 at 1:28AM
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adayinmylife75

I have an ex that was the exact same way. After the divorce, it came out that he was cheating and using steroids...Not a fun life to live. I say kick him out, or leave yourself. I would never put up with that again!

    Bookmark   July 26, 2010 at 4:02PM
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asolo

I do not understand -- and I doubt I will ever understand -- why it is you gals are willing to put up with the most hideous person-to-person behaviors as so often described in these pages. In the case of this OP, I really don't understand why she has to think about what she described for more than a few minutes. If she was my daughter, I would have had her home the first night.

    Bookmark   July 26, 2010 at 8:27PM
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gracie62

Your situation will not get any better, i've been through it. It seems like he is being caring by wanting to do everything with you and spend all his time with you but this is unnatural and he'll end up suffocating you and you;ll end up being very depressed as he will control every aspect of your life. Nobody but you can decide to leave but the odds odds are stacked against you as his behavior will only get worse. Be safe and take care.

    Bookmark   August 5, 2010 at 10:45PM
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sylviatexas1

can't read the last several posts?

    Bookmark   October 11, 2010 at 1:16PM
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