In a Sexless marriage to my best friend...
Wow! So happy that I found this post - I've been married to my best friend for
almost 15 years now. I was a single Mom for 15 years before I met my now
husband - my daughter was one year old when I divorced her Dad after learning of
Between my divorce and meeting my husband, I had been through several
relationships with guys who I had GREAT chemistry with, but who were either
committment-phobic, work-phobic, or terribly selfish. So, when I met my husband
I just couldn't believe how wonderful it was to find such a great guy - steady
job, caring about me in ways no one ever did, loyal to the end, sweet and
considerate and couldn't wait to get married. Truly, we have hardly ever raised
our voices, he accepted my daughter as his own flesh and blood even though she
was in her teens he refers to her as his daughter (not step) and stood up for me
against my witchy Mother-in-law when needed. He is my very very best friend.
HOWEVER, he has really never been interested in sex with me from the beginning. Back then I weighed the choice I was making and told myself that
"I'll never find anyone 100% perfect". I thought for sure if I had to choose
between the problems that I had encountered in my "sexually healthy"
relationships OR being married to a WONDERFUL low to non-sexual man it was a
hands-down choice. So, we married - I wouldn't say it was a mistake even now.
But after 15 years of marriage, what has happened is that I no longer feel any
romantic attraction to him. He is drop-dead gorgeous - does a physical job so
he has a great body too. But we have lived as Brother and Sister for so long,
that I no longer look at him that way. In fact, the mere thought of sex with
him is like incest for me. I've told him all along how the lack of sex is
affecting me...I thought when we first got married that sex might be infrequent
with him, but NOT non-existent. We've had several major blow-outs about it
(really the only thing we ever have fought about) about once every two years or
so. He really beats himself up about it - and he blames himself totally and promises to try to
figure out what's going on and find a way to work on his libido. Then we end up
having sex once or twice and he settles back into his routine of avoiding
intimacy with me by staying up late, etc. He even moved into another bedroom in
our house once the kids moved out "so he wouldn't keep me up with snoring" which
I agreed to because we were not doing anything in bed together anyway.
The kids have been out of the house now for about 5 years - and I realize that I
am not willing to live this way the rest of my life. I have thought about
leaving for the past 10 years, but I knew (and still know) what a jewel he is.
I kept pushing my thoughts of leaving away, telling myself that just getting
some good sex wasn't worth throwing away the huge quantity of good things that
we have in our relationship. But, a few weeks ago I came home at lunch and
found him watching some porno and pleasuring himself. So, I finally realized
that he's not really asexual like I thought - he is just asexual with me. I now realize
that staying in this kind of a marriage - that is like a brother and sister -
when we don't share romantic love is not right or authentic for me.
I have been telling him for 10 years all along how the lack of intimacy is
transforming my feelings into sibling-like love - but he never follows through
on him promises to try to explore his lack of interest - and he absolutely
REFUSES to even consider Viagra.
Last week, I shared with him again how I feel, but this time told him I am ready
to spread my wings and am thinking about starting a life on my own - I don't
want to be untrue or even consider an affair. He immediately started the every
two year routine we have done in the past: him taking all the blame and
promising to figure out what is going on with himself and making overtures.
But I am making a break this time - and have told him that I plan to venture out
on my own in the near future and see if separation isn't best for us. We are not arguing about it - we care about each other - and he says he
wants me to be happy. It is so hard to leave someone who is so kind and caring,
but I want to feel desired as a woman again. It makes me feel so selfish and
petty and I wonder if 20 years from now if I will look back and kick myself when
I am 70 and sex isn't so important to me either and perhaps I want a comfy
relationship. But on the other hand, I have lived without a satisfying sexual
relationship for 15 years (since I was 40). I feel moved to express my sensual
self, but the cost will be giving up a wonderful life I have built with this
man. It seems like such a high price - but living with a "brother" and calling
it marriage is a high price to pay too. Please help me figure this one
out..........I am so confused.......