confused about affair

truelyconfusedApril 29, 2008

I caught my wife cheating. At first, she said it only lasted 3 weeks and was a emotional affair. i had reason not to believe her so i kept digging. turns out they had a 3 month emotional and sexual affair. when i first caught her she said all the right things like im sorry, i stopped it after 3 weeks because i love you and didn't want to hurt you. she actually set up a marrige counslor. turns out i still did not have all the story. she was still lying to me and the counslor. she was still talking to the other guy and was actually trying to guilt him into leaving and being with her. we have a child, that is the reason i have not bolted at this point. she now says it was all lies, what she told the other guy and wants to be with me. i feel i have no reason to believe her, but i really don't want to break up my family and be without my daughter. i'm just really confused on what to do!

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Gosh, that's a hard one. Women don't usually have affairs just for sexual reasons so I would guess the emotional issues are the ones you really have to figure out. Why is she turning to someone else emotionally? What is he providing her that you are not? I am certainly not trying to point this back to being your fault; I'm just trying to understand why someone would be in this position. I would never cheat but if I did, I would think I would be ready to say hasta la vista to my husband. She's playing both of you? I'd be tempted to talk to the other guy; if you think you could do so in a rational way --- on second thought, I doubt that's possible, so forget it.

You know for the sake of your family, I'd stick it out for a while longer just to see how things pan out. She may just be going through a crisis of sorts. Obviously the trust is broken. I wish you well; don't really know what is going on with her. She sounds very fickle. I could never imagine playing two guys like that so I really don't know what's going on in her mind.

    Bookmark   April 29, 2008 at 11:22PM
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Yes a tough one, its a difficult situation you find yourself in.

What led up to your wife doing such a thing ? Were you having problems before that ? People do these things for a reason, as Carla says.

I can understand you not wanting to break up your family.

I think time will help you, not much else you can do really, is there ? A trusted person you can talk to, to unload, might be a good thing, and counselling.

Hang in there, mate.


    Bookmark   April 30, 2008 at 3:36AM
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We feel like we have had normal problems, little spats here and there. we have been together for 12 years and have never had a major issue in our marrige. she has never blamed me or anything in our marrige for this, I guess thats one of the reasons i'm haveing a hard time, it sounds like she just wanted it. At first, she said it was a challenge and she was curious about what his intentions were. Now, its more of she was led down the wrong road and she needs to get back to where she was. I'm haveing a hard time passing the fact of what she told me after the first time i caught them (about wanting me ) and then was still able to say things to him like "your the only man for me", "i'll spend the rest of my life chasing you", "i'm scared i'm losing you" and so on. Now, after i caught them acting this way, she is saying it was all lies and she never wanted to loose me, and she has never been so sure of something in her life, that she wants to be with me. How can she go from talking this way to someone else back to me in a matter of days? Crazy stuff!!!!!!

    Bookmark   April 30, 2008 at 8:48AM
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I have to disagree with carla and popi.Not all women have affairs because theres something wrong with ther marriage.
my closet friend has a wonderful husband.He is loving,kind,trusting,looks after the kids on a regular basis.cleans and cooks,and they have a very active sex life.yet she often betrays him and as slept with lots of men.She says she loves her husband but loves sex with other people too.Personally I dont understand why she does it.Its caused many an argument between us.It Will serve her right when she gets caught.
It seems your wife wanted her cake and eat it ,but is more upset you caught her out.
I wouldnt be able to trust her.It seems this man doesnt want her now.I bet if he did,it would be a different story.
I really do feel for you said it would be easier for you to get your head around it if youd of been having major problems.
They say an affair either makes you or breaks you.Only you can decide what to do.
Its so easy for people to say,if there partner had an affair ,they would leave, but when it acctually happens ,its not that easy.If only we could switch off our feelings like that.
you obviously still love your wife ,so id try that marriage councelor.
Only time will tell ,I wish you the best of luck

    Bookmark   April 30, 2008 at 11:06AM
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Oh, I didn't mean to suggest there aren't sex addict woman out there too. I just don't think this particular situation sounds like a sexual addiction/affair problem. It sounds more like an emotional one to me. But, anything is possible.

A lot of times husbands think things are fine. In the few cases of woman having affairs I know, the men always think there was nothing wrong and then bam, the affair. I think that may be part of the problem. You are so not on sink with her that you don't even know that things just aren't right. She may not even be able to put her finger on problems but I would guess a certain level of intimacy is missing for her.

Now, it could just be a good old fashioned mid-life crisis/crush thing. She sounds like a teenager talking to her school crush. It sounds a lot like infactuation although I am confused at why she would still want to be with you and be fighting for you if she was so in love with him. I think maybe she was very into him, but the realistic part of her realizes that what she has with him isn't real (just fantasy) but what she has with you is real. She may not be ready to give up the fantasy or the reality of either. I would hope her fantasy will end soon (if it hasn't already) and that she'll end up back in reality with you. I would continue counseling.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2008 at 1:03PM
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Tracystoke....have you thought about telling your friend's husband about what is going on ? You are in a difficult situation knowing about the affairs, aren't you ?

Truleyconfused...your wife does sound very confused about her own feelings. I still think it is in your best interest to sort all this out and time will allow you to do this. Talking, counselling. If you love your wife, then that's the way to go for the time being. At lease this road of counselling may make it clear to you where your future lies.

Get some exercise, that will make you feel better and reduce your stress levels.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2008 at 7:36PM
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No i arnt in a difficult position,her affairs dont affect me in the slightest.Its her life not mine,and what she chooses to do is none of my buissness.
she knows not to discuss any saucy details with me anymore.
we have been friends since we were three.were now 32,so i dont let it come between us anymore ,i just let her get on with it.

    Bookmark   May 1, 2008 at 3:40AM
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As much as i want it to be, how can i be sure its actually over this time. she said all the right things the first time i caught her. Now, she is saying pretty much the same stuff with a little more hugs and i love you mixed in. she has mentioned that she just wanted both things to continue, so im scared to let my guard down and try to move on at this point. i guess time will heal that if im able to stay.

i can't trust her and when i question something, she actually gets mad and defensive that i don't believe her. I knew pretty much the whole timeframe she is telling me, although it took a few months to actually prove it. she has told me she felt like i knew and several times and stopped it, only to fall back in the trap. I don't understand that and why she could tell me she would not speak to him anymore and then continue to do so. I kinda feel like that displays who was more important to her, especially with what she was saying to him during this time, until i caught her again.

    Bookmark   May 1, 2008 at 7:27AM
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I'm so sorry for what you're goin through, and I can see why you wouldn't trust her.
And I'm sorry, but her words to him ("I'm scared I'm losing you") ring a lot truer than her words to you.

Some women are scared to death to be without a man in their lives, and will desparately jump from man to man to man just to keep from being alone. It sounds to me like she's one of them, and that for some reason, she decided to jump. But when that jump didn't 'take' (she got caught and he refused to leave his family), she 'jumped' right back to you. Oh, he's still interested? Jump back to him. Not serious enough to leave? Back to you. ANYTHING to avoid not having a man to anchor and validate her.

I'd still suggest counselling - but if she won't be completely and brutally honest with the counsellor, then it won't do any real good. I can see how - if I'm right about her emotional neediness - she wouldn't be completely honest in front of you. (After all, she might lose you - and she's desparate to avoid that - at least until she has her replacement lined up.) So I'd suggest that you both go to the first session, that YOU tell the counseller everything she's been up to and everything you know and suspect, and that you then say that you will bow out so Wifey can be totally honest with counsellor, and that you'll happily rejoin the sessions when they're ready for you.

Just my take...

    Bookmark   May 1, 2008 at 9:33AM
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well, actually he said he wanted to leave as well, but had to figure out when would be the best time. he could have been playing her, but who really knows. after the first time i caught her and she said all the right things to keep me, she actually set up the appointment for the counsellor and then went for the first trip by herself and lied to him, told him the same story i got about it only lasting 3 weeks and then she ended it. she has recieved flowers with no name on them, then called me to ask why i sent flowers. could this be reverse psychology? Who knows!!!

    Bookmark   May 1, 2008 at 10:46AM
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