haunted by child that is not mine

troubled1977April 26, 2012

I will try and make this as short as possible. 17 years ago when I met my wife, little to my knowledge she was already pregnant. we met in august, had sex for the first time in september sometime. in october she says she is pregnant. I was ecstatic. well in march the child was born. it didnt take long for me to realize that the math didnt quite add up. I refused to be around the child and raise him. her mother keep the child while we worked out our differences. long and short I wanted my name removed from the birth certificate and she and I agreed to give the child up for adoption. her mother was having no part of this. told us she would raise the boy and that there was no way to have my name removed from the birth certificate. now some 16 years later I am caught in the middle of wanting to tell the boy that the one he calls mom is not actually mom. the idea of him growing up in a web of lies and deciet seems harsh even though i personally cant stand the child due to my own resentment. my wife and her mom seem to disagree on what should take place. I have also been putting up with her mom constantly saying I want all 3 of my kiddos in one picture setting. I was very successful in dodging that until her YOUNGEST (her actual child) got married. then all 3 were in a pic together. I ran the a camera myself and intentionally shifted as to omit him from the pics. but she got one anyways and posted it on facebook. to me its like a slap in the face that she continually rubs the boy in my face as her child. I did some more research and found out that my name can be removed from the certificate of birth and I wanted my wife to have her mom and dad make that happen. she says I am just being hard to get along with. It makes me sick the thought of my name being tagged to a child that is not mine. My wife and I have 3 kids of our own now. she was upset with me because I chose all 3 names and budged not one inch on the decision making since when we named her other child we went with the name that I had always wanted my first son to be named. Am I out of line for the feeling that I have for this boy? we fight about it anytime it comes up. I just dont know what or how to handle this anymore. i feel like something needs to happen. I am going to tell the boy his whole life is based on a lie or my name is going to be removed the birth certificate. thats the only 2 options I can come up with to give. Please let me know what you think. am I just being an a$$ about the whole thing? sorry for the lengthy post. so much for trying to be short. i will appreciate any and all responses regardless of your view as it might help me understand my wifes stand point as well when it comes from an unbiased individual. thanks

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asolo

All the symptoms of another machine-post. I don't believe it.

However, pretending for a moment that it deserves a response, I have been invited to be direct.

"Please let me know what you think."

OK...I think you're a troll and that you and your friends have posted before. If not, you've certainly attended the same writing school as all the others.

"am I just being an a$$ about the whole thing?"

Yes.

Having agreed to stick around for 17 years and make more babies, it's about time you owned your stuff and stopped being such a jerk to everyone. The children are actual human beings. They deserve better than you're giving.

    Bookmark   April 26, 2012 at 10:49PM
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colleenoz

ASsuming this is a genuine post, I too think you're being a class-A jerk. Frankly why your wife didn't ditch you at the outset when you insisted she give up her child is a total mystery to me.

    Bookmark   April 27, 2012 at 8:41AM
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silversword

Amen and ditto.

    Bookmark   April 27, 2012 at 3:09PM
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suzieque

Yep - you're an AH. And so is your wife for choosing you over her son. Just think back to how much different, and better, all of your lives would be if you and she had talked about it when the son was born and worked it out then.

Poor kid. You could've been his father - even if not biologically. But somehow your testosterone got in the way. And your wife decided that your ego was more important than her son. How terribly sad.

    Bookmark   April 27, 2012 at 4:58PM
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scarlett2001

I feel SO sorry for the child- "ASS"uming there really is one. You don't deserve him.

    Bookmark   April 28, 2012 at 2:40AM
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tracystoke

Well No matter what, the lad definatly deservers the truth and your name should not be on the birth certificate,thats just wrong.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2012 at 11:51AM
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lee676

In many states if a married woman has a child, her husband is automatically considered the legal parent and is liable for child support, even if he is not the biological father. This unless the child is later adopted by someone else.

Don't have time to parse through the original post, but what a jerk for avoiding the kid just because he was conceived before you met your wife. That's obviously the kid's fault, evidently.

Yes, tell the kid the truth.

    Bookmark   May 26, 2012 at 7:01PM
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readinglady

If your wife knew or suspected the child was another man's and deceived you, then the person to be angry with is her, not the boy.

You have focused your hostility on the wrong people - this boy and your MIL - who in this situation seems to be the only person with a conscience.

I assume at some point the boy will have to learn about his biological parentage and I would be in favor of sooner rather than later.

But you are hardly the person to tell him since your motives are hostile and vindictive.

the one he calls mom is not actually mom

Actually she is his mom. She raised him, she loved him, she considers him her own right along with her other children. And she should be the one to tell him.

    Bookmark   May 27, 2012 at 3:55AM
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lee676

If your wife knew or suspected the child was another man's and deceived you, then the person to be angry with is her

She was pregnant with this boy several months before the original poster even met her. There is no deception here that the baby was biologically his, unless the baby had only a 6 month gestation period.

    Bookmark   May 27, 2012 at 6:17AM
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sylviatexas1

The original post reads like a romance or gothic novel written by an aspiring adolescent soap opera writer.

Language is melodramatic ("Haunted" sounds like the child is dead)

intense level of rage has been sustained for years on end,

other people in the story are cardboard cutouts with no opinions & no behaviors other than those relating to OP (other than MIL who took the child in, & after all, you have to have some kind of antagonist to have a story at all, even in a gothic novel).

We are asked to believe that the child's mother willingly gave up her child to stay with this guy & has stayed with him all these years even though he's been embarrassingly petty & horrible, cutting people out of photos, etc.

OP's vindictiveness & rage are extreme,
& yet he supposedly has lived for years in a situation he finds abhorrant, with a wife he despises, rather than leaving & making a happy life for himself.

    Bookmark   May 27, 2012 at 10:48AM
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readinglady

I considered the possibility the OP had constructed the entire scenario but decided to respond as if it were true.

It's no more irrational than other human behaviors I've observed. People can get stuck in all kinds of craziness.

And believe me, more than one woman has given up her child and tolerated all sorts of horrible petty behaviors for the sake of l-u-u-v.

Some people live gothic novels. In fact, I have a sister living one now. She's done so for years and no amount of advice has changed her stance.

    Bookmark   May 28, 2012 at 4:08AM
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