Any help/advice greatly appreciated !

basilgirl16April 6, 2010

Hello ~I am in desperate need of advice. I am living alone with no friends or family nearby. My spouse is in another state. He moved about 2 months ago for a new job and I am here preparing the house for our move and am to move to where he is at the end of this month. The problem is that I do not think that I should. Is it normal to be annoyed with him and not want to have any physical contact? He is racist, I am not. I want to go to church together, he does not really, even though he tells me that he would do it "once in a while". He wants to live in the country, but I am a city girl. I love animals, but do not want to live in the country. I want to do active things and try to lose weight, but he just comes home and drinks beer. He is gaining lots of weight and I just do not find him attractive. We have been married for 13 years. My second marriage. His third marriage. Everyday I feel like I am just going through the motions in life. I have never had children of my own and in part I blame him because he did not want anymore children after he already had one with his first wife. I know now that he was a rebound after my first marraige, but somehow I have just allowed myself to settle for a ho-hum life with him. Do you think I have stayed just because I am afraid to go out "on my own"? Thanks in advance for any words of advice.

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Is there somebody sitting in a cubicle somewhere, bored to death, who just makes this stuff up and throws it out there for fun? Always brand-new member. Always single paragraph. Always transparent situation.

In the unlikely event that you are an actual person with this actual situation, you've answered all of your own questions. Advice? Now is a good time. Toss your fears and get on with the rest of your life. "Ho-hum" isn't the way live one's life, IMHO.

    Bookmark   April 6, 2010 at 7:57PM
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yeah i have hard time believing all these posts...language, sentence structure and choice of words is always the same...

and situations are just unreal

    Bookmark   April 6, 2010 at 11:31PM
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@ asolo ~ thanks for replying even though you do not think that I am a real person and that apparently I am stupid. Yes, I am a new member and yes, this is my first post. As I said, I literally do not have any friends I can talk to and I was just trying to get someone to listen and maybe help steer me in the right direction by giving me a little confidence or whatever you want to call it. I am just looking for someone to lend me a little human kindness when right now I feel so down and broken hearted. Sorry if I offended you by posting something that sounds "made up". It is embarrassing that my life is so stupid that people actually think I am not real and am making this up. Thank you, anyway.

    Bookmark   April 7, 2010 at 8:30AM
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I'm not offended, just amazed. And, again, you've answered your own questions. You asked for advice and I gave it.

Bum-husband, no friends, dissatisfied with everything and you're considering continuing? Why would you do that?

    Bookmark   April 7, 2010 at 9:04AM
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I see no reason to think that being a new member is a factor in deciding whether a post is real. I can absolutely understand that someone will finally join when they have a life situation that they want help with. Why would they join before that? It's always interesting to me that someone will link being a new member with a hoax. For those of you that do that, did you register long before your first post?

Anyway, OP, I understand that sometimes it's hard to see the forest for the trees. What is obvious to some who are not in a situation isn't so easy when you're right in the middle. There are so many extenuating circumstances.

My advice to you is to pretend you're someone coming to this forum to read your post (pretend it's someone else's, not yours). Read it through and see what advice you'd give that person. Then listen to that advice. For me, if I thought I'd given it every absolute chance to work out, I would leave.

Best to you -


    Bookmark   April 7, 2010 at 10:01AM
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"Do you think I have stayed just because I am afraid to go out "on my own"?"

Makes absolutely no difference in the world what I think --
Makes ALL the difference what YOU think --

And from what you've written, it sure sounds like YOU think that's why you've stayed. That you got married on the rebound (oops!), have now realized it was a mistake (OK - smart even), but have stayed out of habit and probably just because it was easier than leaving (understandable - for a while).

You now have an opportunity to make a change that is unusually easy.
Really, exceptionally easy.
Handed to you on a silver platter easy.

My advice? Pretend in your own mind for a week or so that you've left him. He's gone, you're staying, and now you're free. Live like you want to live! Go out for walks. Eat healthy. Pack up HIS stuff and take the whole closet for yourself.

If you find you like it (I'm betting you will) just keep on going and don't look back.

    Bookmark   April 7, 2010 at 10:56AM
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my apologies thinking that you are not for real, you are.


join gym, or walking group, sign up for a book club at a local library, go on find appropriate activities for your interests in your area(my area has healthy eating groups, walking groups, book clubs, movie going groups, social women groups etc-most are completely free, no expenses).

If he drinks, find local Alanon group or codependency group. Look up online, they are everywhere, you can also meet new friends there.

I bet you in two weeks you'll be so happy and busy with healthy activities that you will file for divorce in a heart beat. LOL good luck!!!!

    Bookmark   April 7, 2010 at 7:24PM
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Dear Suzique ~
Thank you so much for taking the time to help me. You are right in saying that sometimes it is hard to see the forest for the trees. I will look at this and read my post as you suggested and try to pretend it is someone else. You are very kind and I sincerely thank you.

    Bookmark   April 7, 2010 at 7:57PM
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Dear Sweeby ~
Thank you so much for your words of advice.
Your words are helping me see that it would not be the end of the world and that in fact it would be a new, healthy beginning for me to make it on my own. I do so very much appreciate you caring enough to comment ~ thank you!

    Bookmark   April 7, 2010 at 8:00PM
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Dear finedreams ~ Thank you so much for writing back to me. I do not even know you, yet I wanted to cry when I saw that you wrote again so that I would not feel bad. All of your advice is appreciated and I want you, Suzique and Sweeby to know that the time you took to write me was not in vain. I agree with you and am going to take action. One day, when I am in a better place, I will be like all of you and try to lend a helping hand and a caring heart to another person that feels helpless even if she really is not and just needs a push. Wishing you happiness and sending you a sincere thank you.

    Bookmark   April 7, 2010 at 8:21PM
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basilgirl - you are very sweet to come back and post to each of us. Lots of times people post a question and never come back to even acknowledge that people responded. That you took the time to says a lot about you.

I'm sorry you're in the situation you are, but from what you've written it sounds like a true mismatch. Please don't be afraid of being alone; please don't stay with him simply because you don't want to be without someone. Perhaps you will be, perhaps you won't be. But YOU are the best company for yourself at this time. YOU need to nuture you and decide what is best for YOU.

Trust in yourself; don't think that you can't go it alone, because you can. And once you're out from under such a mismatch and are comfortable in your own self and with your own self, I suspect that your world will brighten, friendships will blossom, and you'll be much happier. Depend upon yourself for happiness; everything else is gravy.



    Bookmark   April 7, 2010 at 8:38PM
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If you're uneasy about staying where you are with no family or friends nearby, would you consider moving to a place where there is family nearby for support?

I imagine once you've made your decision then it will be easier to pursue your dreams and make friends with common interests.

I think you know what you want to do, you're just looking for the encouragement to do it.

    Bookmark   April 7, 2010 at 8:54PM
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