My spouse says he needs to go out without me

woman1971April 17, 2007

I am a new mom of a 1 year old little boy that is now my life. His father and I met 2 years ago and we have never really had the chance to go out before we got pregnant. Now that we have had the baby and roles have been switched, he works now and supports us and I am a stay at home mom. When we met, I was the main supporter for a while until I got pregnant.There were complications throughout the pregnancy and I was unable to go anywhere due to bedrest to try to save our unborn child. All throughout our relationship I have asked him numerous times to go out with me and he always says he doesn't feel like it. But he certainly feels like it when his (as he calls them) "boys" want him to go out. He will go out with them and have fun with them, but never seems to want to go out with me. With me, it is "I don't feel like drinking tonight","I don't feel like going out tonight", "We don't have the money", and on & on the excuses come out of his mouth. But he never seems to be lacking for energy, time, money, whatever for his "boys". We have fought and fought and FOUGHT over the same stupid sunject repeatedly and I am tired of it. I told him that the only time I have ever felt like I didn't want someone I was with to go out with me is when I was up to no good in the past. Or when I just didn't want to be around him because he was no fun when we went out. I am into having fun, am an attractive female, and just want to get out of the house to enjoy being with him so we can make fun, happy memories. He continues to tell me that all men do a boys night out thing, that I am over reacting and I should just get over it. I am at the end of my rope and am not sure what to say anymore or what to do. I would love some advice. Thanks.

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

My husband NEVER goes out! I wish he would go out and have a "boy's night out" - I'd love to be alone in the house and not have the TV blaring all the time and have the chance to play my music (our stereo is in the same room as the TV and headphones just suck all the joy out of it!) or simply listen to the silence! I'd let him go out on "boys night" so long as he agreed that you got a "girl's night" and then you both had a "date night" together. It's healthy to cultivate some interests apart from one another. As long as such interests do not replace or eclipse what you do together.

    Bookmark   April 17, 2007 at 9:42PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I guess the question is, how often does he do the "boy" thing"? Can't the two of you do something together that doesn't involve bars and drinking? Maybe dinner and a movie? Actually bowling is fun--I'm good for a lot of laughs 'cause I'm so terrible at it, but it's fun.

You need to sit down and have a quiet talk with him (this means no yelling at each other). Tell one another how you feel and if he's not willing to do that, I think counseling is in order. Something's definitely wrong someplace.

    Bookmark   April 17, 2007 at 10:14PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

It's not the "he needs to go out"'s the "without me" part, isnt' it?

    Bookmark   April 17, 2007 at 10:59PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Haha,start going out on your own with some's the only way to get him to see. When he's home alone with the baby wondering what YOUR doing is the only way he will see how you feel.
My husband could not stand it for me to be out without him,so he quit going out with "the boys" long ago.

    Bookmark   April 18, 2007 at 5:50AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I agree with Coolmama, get your friends and go out. On the other hand, I do not go out with the girls and my husband does not go out with the boys. Not since we married. I have told him to and he says no, he would rather us BOTH go. He says that is something single guys do. You have a responsibiity to your spouse when you marry and a home to go to. We have fun together and that is how we like to spend our nights out, either alone (and we go dancing/dinner/movie) or with friends. If he is invited with all guys, I tell him to go, but he won't. He says for me to go with him,, this is for guys only. Then he says I am more fun than the guys!! Nice to hear - whether true or not?? But in your situation, sounds like he likes going out with the guys, you should do it as well, plan it in advance and let him be the babysitter. I personally do not think you should go to bars everytime, you can put yourself in a bad situation.

    Bookmark   April 18, 2007 at 10:57AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I smell trouble.

It's not that he shouldn't ever go out without you - that's OK, provided you have no reason to believe he's up to no good. It's that he doesn't want to go out WITH you that's the problem.

How old are each of you? And I notice you didn't say 'husband' - are you two married? Also, it sounds like you two didn't date long before becoming parents. Is this reluctance to go out new? Or has he always been a homebody?

I could be way off base, but the picture I'm getting is of a guy who thinks of himself as a 'single guy,' not as a husband and father, or even as part of a committed couple.

    Bookmark   April 18, 2007 at 1:25PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

it seems the complete opposite with me, i want to go out with my wife but she never wants to go, i'm a night owl, like to stay up late, she's normally in bed and asleep bt 10, i really don't have to many guys nights out, but when i do go hang out with friends she really doesn't want me to go, i wish that she would get out of the house more.

As for your situation, I think that you should have a girls night out, have them just as often as he has guys nights out, i'm a firm believer that there is nothing wrong with still hanging out with friends,and as i always tell me wife, "a friend of mines is a friend of yours" but having a wife that wants to go out and hang with you is even cooler than that. I hope he realizes that soon.

    Bookmark   April 18, 2007 at 1:29PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

RE:robinwv - the thing is , he is ALWAYS gone. He works 5 day a week full time and 3 or more nights a week also, so sometimes it is days before we see each other besides in passing, or in bed i am always alone at home with the baby going to all his medical appointments ( he is medically challenged ) and we rarely get to spend time together already. When he was always at home when we first got together, I was happy for him to go do stuff but he never would. That was pre-baby. Since baby and working full time + now, it's like some big puff of "I'm the man" jumped right into his chest and now he thinks he is the man and I am the "little wifey". He tries to get me to go out with girlfriends, but I really would rather just go out with him, because I think the same way that jenny_alabama feels...when you get into a relationship with someone involving a family and make a committment, that you should do things together, he had plenty of time to "sow his oats" without me, and yes, it is about the "without me" part lindakimy...I told him exactly that... I asked him how it would feel if I just came home and said, well, I am going to go out with a bunch of people and you aren't invited, but he says he would be happy if I did this, he wants me to go out. We cannot agree on the views we each have separately. I don't begrudge him for wanting to go out, I really don't, it's just BS that he is trying to force us to have separate friends, I feel like when you are a couple that you should have friends that can go out with both of you, not just one or the other. It seems to me as if he wants us to both act like we are single and like if I don't go out with him and his friends that he can keep things from me. Although I trust him, it seems shady to me that he is pushing so hard to do things separately but NEVER wants to go out as a couple. There is not one time that we have ever went out in 2 years without someone else along. I couldn't even get him to go out wiht me on Valentines day when i offered to pay, or on my birthday when I had to go out with 2 coworkers the 1st year we were together...we went and had pizza one night,at a little pizzaria restaurant, but our son was in the hospital and we were sick of hospital food and walked to the place. I guess I am just really confused why like I asked him, Why am I less important than people that you have known for such a short time. These guys he wants to go out with all work in club environments and would lie for him in a heartbeat. They seem to think that the "little woman" should be kept in her place. You can only imagine the fireworks that have flown through our household over time. We finally came to an agreement, only because I told him I am not going to sit at home while he is out all night and I am sitting here having more and more time to stew over the situation. I am not cool with it because I think if he were to have gone to dinner, gone ANYWHERE when we could have, it would have made a huge difference in how I felt about it now. He didn't even come back to the hospital the night our son was born like he had promised when I told him he could go "celebrate" with his "friends"...I didn't even get to hold our son because I was so upset about being left alone when he said he would be back that all I could do was kick in my post partum depression and couldn't eat, sleep, and cried for 3 days straight. I still haven't let it go, although I have forgiven him, I will never forget the disappointment and how his word can't be trusted. He has told me before when he went out that they were not going to a strip club, but lo and behold, where did he 20 minute me until he would get home for 3 hours. He has blown his trust with me, so it is hard for me to believe what he says. He is so vehement about me having a negative reaction to anyhting involving him and doing things he knows I would be upset about if he excludes me purposely. He agrees to something and then it just sucks for me when he breaks his word. Then I am just being a B. There are certain friends he has I would be cool with him hanging out with, but I have seen the others first hand cheat on their girls and I think the company you keep can influence you when you have been hanging out with them all the time. I wish I could put blind faith into him all the time, but I have been burned before, and also been on the flip side where I was married before and I was the one who always wanted to go out without my ex-husband, but we also went out together, and so did he. I guess I am just more upset because he is so adamant that he needs more time than the 16 hours a day he sometimes spends with these guys but can't spend a full 16 hours awake with me. If he is at home, he will sleep for 12 hours straight sometimes and I still don't even get to see him. But he professes to love me so much, I can even see it in his eyes. I guess he is just sending me mixed messages, because I love him as much as he says he loves me, but I am proud to take him everywhere with me. I am excited to spend time with him, and I just don't understand why I am such a noose around his neck when I tolerate where he works around naked women all day long, a nightclub all night long, where when one night I went to hang out with him for a friend of ours bday party there, that he "warned" me right before he left and I was going to come up after dropping the baby off at the sitter, that not to get jealous if women were hitting on him and flirting with him. Then to get there and a woman I was sitting beside at the bar proceeded to let me know how hot he was, etc. When I said yeah, I know, he's my baby's father. Then her story was, well, you should be glad, because no matter how much I hit on him he never takes me up on it. When I mentioned it to him after we got home, he says he never noticed he hitting on him. And he wonders why I doubt him. Go figure. I really do trust him, but as I told him, I do not think as long as works in this environment that he should be too upset about me questioning him or wanting to go along. And if he makes a big deal out of me going, that he shouldn't be surprised if I get a red flag warning going off inside my heart.

    Bookmark   April 18, 2007 at 2:25PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Each partner in a marriage needs space. That space is also lies heavily on trust. We've been married 24 years (no kids) and we have both always gone out separately as well as together and still do. We're very happy in our marriage. Just because you're married doesn't stop either of you from visiting your friends, shopping, hobbies, classes, etc.

Give him some space, and take yours, but it shouldn't be abused. Just because you're a mom doesn't mean you have to stay home with the baby 24/7. He might work all day away from home, but you work all day in the home. Go out with girlfriends, or to a movie by yourself twice a month or more. It'll also give you something else to look forward to. It's called "your time".

By the way, alot of times, when a child enters the relationship, the husband tends to feel like second fiddle. Does he pay attention to the baby and you or does he make you feel like the baby is your responsibility? If he does, that's a mulehill that will turn into a mountain in a short time. Make sure he is just as active in the baby's life as you are (when he's home) with feeding, playing, taking a stroll, etc. And make sure you pay attention to him too, or else you will be in trouble. If he gives you the excuse that he is tired from working all day, then that will obviously tell you he is not investing in the baby's life as a dad should be. A GREAT dad will always find the time for his child, and a GREAT husband will always find the time for his wife.

And, if there is no trust in the relationship, it will never work. I think that's been proven time and time again with so many relationships - married or not.

    Bookmark   April 18, 2007 at 7:55PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

"Each partner in a marriage needs space. That space is also lies heavily on trust. We've been married 24 years (no kids) and we have both always gone out separately as well as together and still do. We're very happy in our marriage. Just because you're married doesn't stop either of you from visiting your friends, shopping, hobbies, classes, etc."

While I agree with this to some extent,what she is saying is that he NEVER wants to go with her...and that is a problem.

Woman1971~ you are absolutely right you should be doing more married things,having dinner parties with both your friends there,opposed to going out seperately all the time.
I agree with sweeby also that something just doesnt seem right about this. I would have to wonder what he is doing while out all the time myself.
Above and beyond being married and being parents,you should be friends first~and it doesnt sound like he is treating you as such.
You poor thing,I can imagine how you must feel.I often felt similar when I first got married and had my daughter.My husband worked late hours and I was home alone all day,every day. when he got a free moment he wanted to work on his cars instead of spending time with me. It took a while,but he finally realizes he can do BOTH.

    Bookmark   April 18, 2007 at 8:36PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Woman1971 sounds like my husband right before he said that he wanted a divorce/separation. He wanted to come home until the girls (18,16,9) were asleep and leave to sleep somewhere else or not come home at all. Then he stayed out until 1:00, as first he was "working over and ran into a friend whose car broke down" until the cell phone bill came in and showed he was with this "lady and her cabin". I think you do need to go out with your friends and do it so he has to care of your son. If he calls and says "I need to work over" the next time do not tell him about the plans until he comes home. It might open his eyes.
I hope it all works out. It seems like most men have the same attitude and it REALLY hurts; they just do not see it until you make them. My husband only was silenced when I got an attorney and was ready to file, then he said the attorney he had talked to refused to handle the case for mine had a habit for dragging the case out. I have NEVER heard that but was glad. I have loved my husband since high school.
Take care and get out one night and see what happens.
Good luck.

    Bookmark   April 28, 2007 at 3:13PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

All men do a boys night out thing sounds so much like the teenage thing about "but everyone else's mum lets them".

When we met DH included me in what he and his friends were doing. The group consisted of mostly men, a couple of women, just under half married. One couple had kids. The singles went along to everything, for the marrieds it was either they both came or the husband came for tennis but not to lunch afterwards, or to drinks only once a month rather than every week, or the wife came some of the time. I think everyone achieved a balance that worked for them. I hope your husband can develop the maturity to see how important it is to have a balance that makes you both happy.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2007 at 8:03AM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
Is It a Spouse's Responsibility?
My husband's relationship with some of his siblings...
hausband say bad words after he gives me gift!
hi, I appreciate any suggestions. We are married for...
Wife cheated Entire Marriage, do I stay? - Help
I found out after 4 years dating and 10 years of marriage...
Age Difference
I posted this on the Parents Forum but it was suggested...
"Friend" Marriage
I have been looking up posts for months that relate...
Sponsored Products
Reversible Carver Flat Grain Cutting Board
Gray & Light Gray Aisley Power Loomed Indoor/Outdoor Rug
$29.99 | zulily
Meurice Nickel Tray Table Floor Lamp by Jonathan Adler Lighting
$789.80 | Lumens
Modern Indoor/Outdoor Area Rug: Lanart Rugs Silk Reflections Gold 9 ft. x 12
Home Depot
Yorkshire Decorative Mounting Brackets - 2 pack - White
Signature Hardware
Canyon Waves Giclee Glow Bronze Balance Arm Floor Lamp
Lamps Plus
Lacquer Tumbler
$20.00 | Horchow
Candy Apple 18x18-Inch Silk Shantung Square Poly Insert Decorative Pillow
$113.95 | Bellacor
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™