Wife wants no intimacy from me

tom1945April 28, 2013

I am a prostate cancer survivor who went through some horrific treatments that made me impotent, however it did not kill my sex drive ... I still have the desire ... just can't get an erection. It has been over a year since my wife and I have been intimate. Because of my condition I have purchased "toys" in hopes that she would allow me to use them to bring her and me pleasure. Bringing her pleasure brings me extreme pleasure ... I enjoy so much watching and listening to her reach her orgasm. I imagine the "real" thing would be more pleasurable to a woman, but since I can't give her the "real" thing I am in search of something else to pleasure her with. These toys are vibrators and a dildo ... nothing too kinky. As for me I am 67 years old and on testosterone replacement which may be part of the problem. I need a woman's point of view.

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popi_gw

Surely your wife is happy you are still alive and that you have come through the procedures and are now on the road to health again ?

Have you asked her what she thinks about this situation ?

What were your levels of intimacy like before the cancer ?

    Bookmark   April 29, 2013 at 3:49AM
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tom1945

Our level of intimacy prior was off the chart! Our sexual relations were fantastic. Her orgasms were awesome, and so were mine ... energetic as 20 year olds. Then came the prostate cancer. Now, I am 67 years old ... I was diagnosed with the cancer at 54. I went through some horrible experiences as a result of my treatments and became totally incontinent. I remained this way for several years and during that period never expected intimacy. I then went to a world renowned hospital where an artificial urinary sphincter was installed which brought my incontinence under control, however there is a small amount of leakage. As originally stated I have been put on supplemental testosterone to stave off brittle bones. Low testosterone causes brittle bones in men. And of course the supplemental testosterone increases my sex drive. Sort of a catch 22. I have resorted to porno and self satisfaction, which I seldom did prior to finding myself in this situation, and something that is much less satisfying. And, since I can't get an erection, but everything else is there I find myself in a constant state of frustration and feeling very lonely ... I need intimacy, closeness and that feeling of being loved, and loving. So I bought the "toys" hoping that would perk her interest, but obviously hasn't at all. Now, as I said, I'm 67 years old, but I'm a young 67. I'm very active ... ride motorcycles, do cross country trips, camp, travel, etc. etc. My wife is a number of years younger than I. Does she wish she had a younger man? Hell, I don't know. I hope someone can give me some insight into a woman's thinking, and feelings. Are "toys" repulsive to most women? Any help out there?

    Bookmark   April 29, 2013 at 4:25PM
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emma

If you can't have an erection, your desire has to be mental. Ask her if she misses having sexual relations. A lot of women have lost interest in it at that age.

    Bookmark   April 29, 2013 at 8:59PM
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amyfiddler

Sounds like the two of you are not talking. The best person to get answers from is her. Don't be afraid to talk about it.

No amount of speculation from us will be as effective. Maybe read to her what you have written here.

Ps. Also ask her how she feels about the porn.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2013 at 11:02AM
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suzieque

>>> Are "toys" repulsive to most women?

I cannot say whether they are for most or not. But I do not know any women who find them fun or "non-repulsive". Doesn't mean there aren't women who like them, but I don't know any (of those with whom the topic has come up, that is!).

    Bookmark   April 30, 2013 at 2:03PM
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zeitgast

Did you talk to a sexual medicine professional. There may be options for you including injections or an implant. Dr Irwin Goldstein in San Diego is a world renoun expert.

    Bookmark   May 1, 2013 at 1:49AM
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tom1945

I have come to a decision as of tonight. I no longer intend to angst over this situation that I find ourselves in. I have been a good husband for a lot of years (30 to be exact). Due to attitudes since my prostate cancer, I do believe it's time to call it quits. Divorce and move on. Gonna take my toys and call it quits. I can't deal with the chill. I need to feel that I exist, and somewhere there is a woman that would appreciate my affections.

    Bookmark   May 1, 2013 at 9:54PM
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emma

I am sorry you have based your existence on sex. Even though sex is an important part of marriage, there is much more involved. If you had a good marriage for 30 years and you are abandoning it for sex that doesn't say much about you. I have a physical problem that stopped me from being intimate with my husband, he stayed with me and was faithful. He never ever complained.

    Bookmark   May 2, 2013 at 11:55AM
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karoni

Please don't give up. A lot of things can affect your wife's apparent disinterest in sex. Have you talked with her about it? Just talking can really open up a lot of things and help you discover what the issues are. If you wife knows that you are talking with her about it not to pressure her but because you care about your relationship with her and want to be close to her, it will help. Don't give up on such a long-term marriage; please consider at least seeing a marriage counselor. Good luck.

    Bookmark   May 2, 2013 at 2:08PM
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LuAnn_in_PA

Sooo...
the OP's wife rejected his sex toys, and the OP says "Gonna take my toys and call it quits."

30 years of marriage and that is what it comes down to?

    Bookmark   May 2, 2013 at 4:56PM
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mkroopy

LOL - after seeing Lu Ann's response, I had to go back and read the original post...when I saw the "gonna take my toys..." comment, I (as a guy) naturally figured he was talking about his boat / motorcycle / guns / fishing poles / snowmobiles, etc.

    Bookmark   May 2, 2013 at 7:18PM
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amyfiddler

so...youre not going to have a conversation with ypur wife of 30 years who was by your side through gruelling cancer treatments, incontinence, and other unmentionables......youre outa thete.

thats just sad.

people, lets talk to our partners. So much wasted angst, really.

    Bookmark   May 3, 2013 at 12:27AM
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emma

I think the lack of communication it is the downfall of many marriages. There are things I wish I had talked about with my first husband.

    Bookmark   May 3, 2013 at 3:46PM
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