No trust left !!! 36 more days...hope they go fast !

turkeytrottApril 26, 2009

So I am ticked right off and anymore I have more unhappy days then happy. I was the one who wrote Facebook issue-What is your opinion?, long story short there my husband added his ex fiance then felt it was no big deal I thought he added her and when I found out she added him I apologized but let him know that I did not feel she needed to be on it. We had a fued about it all I went to visit our kids in another city (he was suppose to go but didn't) then he writes inappropriate stuff to a buddy of ours about waiting for a girl to come online to go out with for a drink he didn't leave the house so I believe he was just blowing smoke cause he was mad still. So then less then a week later he trades my 2003 van in and gets me a 2009 Escape and a dozen flowers for our anniversary. At this point I hadn't mentioned what he had wrote to our buddy. Then 2 weeks later he has an opportunity to go to a concert (through work) and all week claims he isn't going then 2 hours before announces he is going I say to him in a normal voice well I wish you had of been honest about that cause I could have bought a ticket and went. Anyways he freaks and I say you want to know why I am insecure and I show him the print out of his conversation, he has a fit leaves and it is a week before we speak, during this time he deletes facebook life here is he$l. We have not spoken about the fued/mistrust that I now have and I was hoping to keep the peace for another 36 days 'til our oldest daughters wedding day. In the mean time he wants a cell phone to be able to text me, I set up the account so I have access to calls made etc. So friday I text him at lunch and it takes a bit for him to text me back so I joked about it and he said I was at Mom's for lunch he does go there about once a week, he was telling the truth because he was there re-activating his facebook account. He knows there is a keystroker on our machine but he seems to forget that it is my email account associated with his facebook account so of course I was notified at 12:42 on friday but only saw it today. I am so angry right now I can not handle sneaky people. In 36 days the wedding for our Daughter will be over and I plan on telling him I want to sell our house and part ways as he has become such a liar and a sneak that I am not willing to stay. I have never lied, cheated or disrespected this man. I do have reasons I feel for my mistrust. We have been married for 19 years but together for forever and many years ago while he was away he did have a brief affair which we had long ago dealt with and became much closer and was not insecure about him ever having another but unfortunately with all this crap, lies and sneakiness I have no trust left in him.

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Not condoning any wrongdoing he may have done...but "I am so angry right now I can not handle sneaky people"

Are you serious?? You're monitoring his account, using a keylogger and monitoring his cellphone?

Sometimes when people who start out innocent are distrusted, they end up thinking "may as well be hung for sheep as well as lamb"

I suspect you are right about moving on, but I think you should look at yourself too, when it comes to trust.

I am not saying be a doormat, nor be blind, but snoop and you may not like what you see.

    Bookmark   April 29, 2009 at 3:39AM
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Well I am glad you are not condoning any wrong doing on his part although you seem quick to condem me...He is aware that we have a keylogger on our computer he is aware that I have acess to his cell records, facebook account etc. as he has me set these things up for him! Therefore I am not being sneaky and have been honest, the keystroker is because of our children, did I believe originally that I would find any wrong doing on hubby's unfortunately I did. He is also able to read anything I write as the keylogger records what I type too. He was afraid to get the internet because he feared I would find someone else, as many people have split up to be someone from the internet (and if I recall right you were one of them and if I am wrong I apologize). I am assuming that you have only read this one post about my life and that is why you may feel this way which you are absolutely entitled to feel. My hubby's opinion is I have nothing to hide where the internet is concerned (according to his words) He has all my passwords etc. The only thing my husband would ever find through the logger that he may not be impressed with is how angry I am when he lies as we no longer seem to speak about our issues. I have not told him that I am aware that he is back on facebook as what good would it do, he would have done it at home if he wasn't trying to be sneaky and remember I recieved an email about his facebook being reopened I did not need to go snooping. Either way I have given him many chances, he has even sent me an email quote "I know its hard to believe me but i don't hide anything on purpose" this from someone who goes to his mom's to re-sign up to his facebook which I am on his account so even if I didn't get the email I would see it on mine. Prior to a year and a half ago I had complete trust in my husband but actions seem to change our security levels and when things just don't make sense then usually there is a reason. He has been my life since high school and I am now 44 that is a long time. He and I only seem to be able to connect on a sexual level now, we don't discuss any problems and what may have been able to work through has now turned into this huge issue and since he blames me whenever I try to talk to him (I even got blamed for what he wrote) I no longer try. I feel my only option is to move on and am waiting 'til the daughters wedding is, out of respect for her. I also don't quite get the new SUV unless of course that was a guilt thing, my van was a 2003 in great shape so if you have an opinion about that one will you please help me to understand that too.
By the way he has me phoning his cell phone provider this morning as 3 text that he sent me did not go through if he did not want me to access these things he would make the call himself wouldn't he ?

    Bookmark   April 29, 2009 at 8:08AM
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Choosing snooping is to choose your own personal hell. It's not a healthy place to be.

It's normal to be highly anxious about being "made a fool of", but that (believe it or not) is not your biggest problem. Your problem is lack of clarity, and lack of concern for your anxiety.

You're playing games, and that's crazy town. A healthy place to go would be to say, "i'm having these fears and anxieties. Would you walk through that with me?" Then he sits down with you and you look through the computer together. If that seems far fetched, then that's an indication of how far apart you are, and no amount of snooping is going to bring you closer. If you want to leave, then just do it and spare yourself the drama. Otherwise, get a therapist and figure it out.

    Bookmark   April 29, 2009 at 11:32AM
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Agree with others. Can't stay where you are. Since you're considering getting out anyway, might as well get it clear before deciding. May be able to resolve. Maybe not. Regardless, can't go on like this.

    Bookmark   April 29, 2009 at 12:29PM
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I did meet my partner on the internet, but my marriage was basically over by then anyway.

"Choosing your own personal hell" - that's a good way to put it.

Your husband may know you know all the passwords etc, but it's like the mailbox or the filing cabinet - just because your partner knows you know where those papers are, does not give you the rights to read them.

Like I say, unusual circumstances. Since you have determined you're leaving though, for your own peace of mind you ought to stop reading his stuff, or snooping.

I don't even know if a keylogger is what I'd recommend for kids, for similar reason. Yes we need to know what our kids are up to, but they need their privacy too - would you read your kids' diaries as a matter of course? I think they need to feel they trust you, if you want them to confide in you when they DO need help.

I would use user accounts on the puter for the kids without admin privileges, parental control software and maybe OpenDNS which has some quite effective means of blocking unwanted urls.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2009 at 3:46AM
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I am the biggest snooper going,you know in your heart if the person you are with is trustworthy,if they were trustworthy you wouldnt feel the need to snoop,if i hadnt of snooped in my last relationship i wouldnt of found out he was unfaithfull.It wouldnt bother me in the slightest if someone was snooping on me because id know id nothing to hide

    Bookmark   April 30, 2009 at 3:54AM
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Exactly Tracy. I snooped in my last relationship too, but only after he'd given me cause to snoop, then when I asked him, he denied it. So I snooped. And then I couldn't believe it and went into denial. Horrible horrible horrible. My ex's info was connected to my email too, because I helped him set it up as well as his MySpace account. I knew the password. And I could see all his nasty little friends because his page wasn't set to private. Yeah... a 40 year old man is "friends" with an 18 year old tart because... Sometimes snooping is necessary. And then confrontation is necessary. Continued snooping without doing anything will just make you miserable. I snooped for one week. Confronted. He denied. Snooped another week. Confronted. He admitted, said would never do again. Snooped one day. Got evidence, confronted and moved his sorry butt out of the house. Three weeks total. After having suspicions for over two years, asking, and having it be denied.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2009 at 3:37PM
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pjb999 So are you really trying to tell me that because you feel your marriage was basically over it was ok to start hooking up with other women on line. That is just so wrong on so many levels, did your ex know that you felt your marriage was basically over or did you share that with her after you met wife number 2? I have been with my husband since I was a kid although we did part for 4 years when I was 16 1/2 and have been together every since. So according to you I should not read any of his stuff or touch any of his papers well that would be extremely difficult in this house as I take care of all finances and any other paper work that comes along but I will let him know that I have been advised that I should not touch his stuff so he needs to hire someone lol.
I also feel that you should not judge how I raise my chilren and I have the key logger there but I could count on one hand how many times I have checked up on my kids through it, there is families that have had kids meet people online and take off with them I have 3 girls and I feel I did it in case anything was ever to happen not to read their personal stuff. All the software that you suggested would only prevent them from sex sites, swearing and adding things to the computer that I haven't approvrd of it would not protect them from online predaters. I would not feel the need to read his either if he was being an honest person. I happen to love my husband but feel there should be no secrets between a husband and a wife and he has always said he feels the same, but feel free to judge me his actions are also altering my life! I have the right to know (just as your ex did). I truly do not understand how wife #2 can trust you when she is aware you were still in a marriage, she may be ok now but if you did or said anything unusual to her she may feel as I do. I am with traystoke and silversword I have the right to know when my husband has given me reason to feel insecure. Maybe had he cared a little more about how I would feel with him adding his ex or talking like an idiot to show off we would not have reached this place where I felt the need to find on line what is going on in his life. My husband on a daily basis tends to go from an absolute wonderful man to a total idiot and I have lived like this for a year and a half and only since mid march have I read anything that even you would have approved of.
I do not feel that reading what is going on is an issue at this point and I can tell you that when I tell him I feel we should part ways he will try his best to change my mind, if I felt I could trust him ever again I would not feel we should part ways and the only way that I can trust him is by his actions and sorry to say but on this he is failing.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2009 at 11:29PM
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Why not just eliminate punctuation altogether? Save a few keystrokes and wouldn't be any more difficult to read than it is now.

You can actually manage this until the wedding is over? Strong lady.

    Bookmark   May 1, 2009 at 2:15AM
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If I wasn't so emotionally exhausted right now I would be able to comment further. I am in the same boat as you are TT only I have children in the house still. My husband has an unbelievable way of making his deceit my fault, he has for years and I've always taken it. He tries to tell me that "he didn't know it was wrong" or he didn't realize it would upset me. He says things like "I must be really naive about those things" "I thought it was just an innocent conversation." Deep down I've always wanted to say B*** S***! but I never do. I love this man like you wouldn't believe and I swear I can't imagine my life without him or with another, but there is such a wedge now I don't know how we will recover. He is sneaky and dishonest, like a little boy. I don't know what I should do.

    Bookmark   May 4, 2009 at 2:34PM
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"but my marriage was basically over by then anyway."

this is an excuse. marriage is over when both parties signed divorce decree until then nothing is over.

plenty of cheating men (and women) say marriage was over and we were separated. as someone joked on this forum "separated" could mean he is in the kitchen and she is in a living room. plus if you think it is "over", it doesn't mean the other person thinks the same way.

I am not surprised you would attack a victim and defend a cheater. And when did you see or talk to your children the last time so you know what is the best for them? Didn't you move away from them to a different country with your internet date?

    Bookmark   May 4, 2009 at 8:35PM
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Maybe it's just my ISP or browser but, whoa....has this thread gotten twisted! What happened to OP? Where did danihoney come from? And why now?

Guess I hang out in the wrong places. Joe out-of-touch.

    Bookmark   May 4, 2009 at 8:44PM
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Why does it matter where I came from? I spend most of my time at a couple other boards, but because things are difficult, I come over here sometimes.

Where did you come from?

Didn't realize this was a private thread.

    Bookmark   May 8, 2009 at 3:36PM
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No problema. Knock yourself out.

Amazing to me that folks describe such situations followed by "I don't know what I should do." Living with a sneaky, dishonest, infantile spouse wouldn't be my choice but if your "love" and inability to imagine being without him covers it all, well what's left to say? Every good wish to you.

As I identified myself..."Joe out-of-touch."

    Bookmark   May 8, 2009 at 4:48PM
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Just curious - are you a"solo" because you're a total jerk?

Not that I'm judging or anything. Knock yourself out!

    Bookmark   May 8, 2009 at 9:01PM
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I am wounded by the slash of your rapier wit.

    Bookmark   May 9, 2009 at 12:06AM
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Not a direct answer, but clear enough.
Don't strain yourself licking those wounds.

    Bookmark   May 9, 2009 at 2:35AM
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I am the OP and we are still having good and bad days. We have just went 24 hours away from home for a week and a half together as his Dad was crittically ill passed on the second day that we were there. Almost all his family was there too. Some of them I get along with others I am not real kicky on but I am polite. He had alot of stress as it was Pops girlfriend and hubby that did all arangements etc. I tried to be there for him as much as possible. Again somedays he was wonderful others not so much but under the circumstances I do understand. My plan has not changed and still plan on all this being over after the wedding. It is so hard when many times I do see the man I fell in love with so many years ago. 2 weeks 3 days to go and believe me I know all this is going to hurt but I do think it is the only way.

    Bookmark   May 14, 2009 at 4:08PM
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This just has me feeling icky.

    Bookmark   May 14, 2009 at 6:23PM
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amyfiddler I don't quite get what you mean by this just has me feeling icky. I have re-read your original post and do understand that you feel I am putting myself into a personal hell but I feel I needed to understand things he was not sharing with me. My husband is not big on communication and suggesting therapy of any kind would be a waste of breath. Our marriage ending is going to have a huge impact emotionally as well as financially on both of us as well as our children. I am not playing games I am trying to understand and if this shows me the truth then that is how I have to go about it. If I was to ask him he would probably lie so I do not bother. I am also not trying to create drama I just feel that I do not want to seperate and possibly be at each others throats so close to our daughters wedding. I am trying to spare her that added hurt although all our children are aware that we have discussed parting ways.

    Bookmark   May 16, 2009 at 12:10PM
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Dear TT,

After reading your post, it seems that you have given this much thought and have a clear vision. It seems like you have alot of self-respect. Only you know what's best and how you want to live your life. And if this is the course you want...go for it.

In the meantime, I hope you enjoy your daughter's wedding.

Wishing you the best of everything!


    Bookmark   May 17, 2009 at 7:48AM
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Thanks for the kind words greencanopy. Well I know what my plan is but doesn't mean it will work out that way. Friday he called me from work at 6 to say he is going for a beer with John his co-worker I told him ok, enjoy and asked what do you want for supper as I always wait for him then he said love you see you soon. While he was out it came to my attention that he was out with mixed company from work, not that, that in of itself is an issue but of course the lie is and he can lie in the same sentence as the words I love you. Anyway by 10 I was hungry and still hadn't heard from him (he has a cell) I ate a piece of toast and said screw this got dressed left him a note on his pillow gone for a beer. I don't drink beer but I went to a local coffee shop to give me space because I at this point did not want him to know how much anger I have inside of me through all that we have been through and was afraid I would blow up if he said the wrong thing. Anyways on saturday he would not speak at all to me I guess it was ok for him to go out but not me. Today he has spoken a little but only about me cutting his hair and supper. He did go out for awhile saturday and I caught him driving by the house to see if I had went out I feel like were kids again and I am way to old for these games. I hope things stay ok for the next 2 weeks but I am getting doubtful.

    Bookmark   May 17, 2009 at 8:39PM
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The fact he checks up on you and hates you going out is a sure sign he is the one playing away.when anyones unfaithfull,it always makes them insecure and thinks the other person is at it.My ex was the same,wouldnt let me go anywhere without the kids and always checked up on me,whilst all the time it was him doing the are extremely strong to keep this to yourself for so long,I know i couldnt of,I am curious as to what will happen after the wedding,good luck

    Bookmark   May 18, 2009 at 3:49AM
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hey turkeytrott, i truly know where your coming from, and it's not a good place to be.but just know that it'll all work out. i'm going thru a somewhat similar situation, but with kids involved. all i have to say is, "stay strong."

    Bookmark   May 22, 2009 at 1:40PM
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So we are a few days away and for the last week or so we haven't really talked much but are not rude towards each other. On thursday 21 he called to say he would be late so I went out. When I got home I went on my facebook to discover that he had created a new account at his sisters with her email attached. So I am now playing his game and have created a few of my own lol,although I have not done them in my name 1 is in the ex-fiance's name which of course I added him and he has sent her a message (not knowing it is really me) I also created an account in his name which I have invited everyone to and told them the other account has been I think this is childish yes but I don't want him thinking that just cause he did it elsewhere that I am stupid. I also sent a message to him letting him know this so he is aware I have found his new account saying he lives 3 hours from here. Last friday morning 22 I gave hime a letter saying all of our problems and that we need to split anyway he hasn't said 1 word to me about it. Now he is in suck up mode and I am ok with that because the wedding is so close and I want everything to be as good as we can possibly fake for this wedding.4 days left til the wedding, 5 to have him realize that I am not joking our marriage is gone !

    Bookmark   May 27, 2009 at 9:51AM
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This last post says it all. From your point of view, he's a beast, and from your mouth, you play childish games but you're above reproach.

I suggest that after you leave him, you take some serious time learning about yourself and what you "do" in relationships when things aren't going so well (because that happens normally) and make some attempts to change.

The tragedy is one of two things - you won't take that look, and won't change, and will be in a bad situation again, or you will change, and your eyes will open, and you will know that perhaps all of this was a lost opportunity.

Let me guess, you're angry with me now?


    Bookmark   May 27, 2009 at 11:24AM
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No I am not at all upset with you and I have not even said he was a beast, and yes I have admitted this is childish without question. Unfortunately we got along great for the most part of the first 17 years so I do believe I know how to treat someone when I am in a relationship as he had a breif affair when we were married almost 6 years and we survived it and came out stronger. I do not feel that he deserves respect when he is disrespecting me. In life what goes around comes around, I would never normally behave in this way but I am truly hurt by all this and I guess lashing out without it causing a big scene. My sister in law is furious with his actions and can't believe the fact that I haven't freaked. I am unaware of your marital status but have re-read your first post and don't know too many hubby's who would say ok honey let's go to the computer, when they are hiding stuff. For instance my hubby had a conversation during his lunch on facebook with his ( acct.)ex-fiance while texting lovey dovey crap to my cell. I have no problem letting him go if that is what he wants but why play both sides of the coin. I do plan on telling him again cause he obvisiously doesn't get it that I am fine with this. I have held so much in through this time that I have made many wrong decisions. I truly believed when he bought me my SUV in March that he did want this marriage and I would have wholeheartedly gave it my all but it only took 2 weeks for me to see that he wanted to be single at least on his facebook. Please do not think for a minute that I do not love this I truly do but I can not continue with this hurt and therefore I need to be gone. Am I going about it properly no but I do have the right to treat him as I have been treated...I know 2 wrongs don't make a right.

    Bookmark   May 27, 2009 at 2:49PM
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You are contradicting yourself -
but I'm sorry you're struggling, anyway.

    Bookmark   May 27, 2009 at 3:50PM
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Can you explain to me why you feel I am contradicing myself?

    Bookmark   May 27, 2009 at 4:18PM
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