my husband is unhappy, what can i do to save our marriage?

onesadmommaApril 22, 2007

My husband and I just celebrated our 1 year anniversary two months ago. We have a 10month old son, and there is an age difference between me and my husband of 5 years. He just turned 20. I am 24. We have been together a total of 4 years. The other night he just come home from work and laid the bomb! I was not expecting him to say the things that he said.... he said that I didn't make him happy anymore, that he only married me because i was pregnant...mind you we were engaged a whole year before the pregnancy....he said that he didn't know if he has really ever loved me. I don't know what to do, we have been through alot and just last week he asked me if I still loved him, and while we were arguing he asked why I loved him and why i choose him to spend the rest of my life with him. I love him and want to make this work, and he couldn't tell me the other night that he didn't love me, and also said that he doesn't want this to end but doesn't know what to do? I am confused and could use a little imput and opinions from someone other than family and friends! Thanks!

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I think it is good that you have brought up this very difficult subject with each other.

You husband is obviously in a turmoil about his feelings, and he seems to be very honest about what is going on for him.

I think it is a natural thing that he is feeling confused, you are both young, and presumably you both have not had other love interests in your lives.

It is a hard thing to tell someone, you are married to, you dont love them anymore, so I can understand his reluctance to say that to you.

How do you feel ? Do you see yourself being married to this person in 20 years ?

Its not going to be harmonious if there is only love on one side of the marriage, is it ?

Why did you get married so young ?


    Bookmark   April 22, 2007 at 6:02PM
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Soooo.... he just turned 20 and you got married 14 months ago.
That makes him 18 when you married.

Sounds like he way way too young and married you for the sake of the child. He might be telling you the truth about not ever having loved you; he might be second guessing such a commitment so young.

I think you both need counseling....

    Bookmark   April 22, 2007 at 10:10PM
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I kinda agree with western pa luann. You are both so young! While I married young myself (20) my husband is 6 years older than myself and ready to settle down.
If I told you I have NEVER had doubts about getting married so young,I'd be lying. I saw other young adults my age going to college,and partying.Going on vacations to exotic locations. Having pretty much no responsiblity or commitment,and there were times that looked very inviting to me.
It is only after sticking it out and going through the ups and downs that I'am so glad my life is how it is,and I wouldnt change it for anything.(By the way,I'am now 30!)

I understand your want to save your marriage.However, being a dad and a husband is alot for a guy of only 20. Remember,men mature slower than women he is probably 17 in his mind at best.

If you are serious about holding onto the marriage,you both should be in counseling.
Being a parent and married is hard enough for those older and with more wisdom. The odds are against you that this will last.
I wish you both the best of luck though.

    Bookmark   April 23, 2007 at 3:04PM
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I am going through a really similar thing. My husband is 23 and I am 28. We have a 16 month old baby who was born deaf. I am deeply in love with my huband and I thought he felt the same way about me until last week when he said he was unhappy in our marriage and he wasn't sure it is what he wanted any more. He has agreed to come to counselling with me and says he still loves me but he has been going out every night since his revelation and coming home late which he never did before. He is also driving the car fast when he always used stick to the speed limit. It seems he is almost a different person now. I guess our marriage did force him to grow up and take on a lot of responsibilities really quickly. What hurts the most is that he acted as though he was happy and I never knew he was struggling to cope. I don't want to be without him as I was happy in our marriage but at the same time I do want him to be happy. What can I do to fix this?

    Bookmark   May 11, 2011 at 5:38AM
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I'd suggest a threesome with another every time.

    Bookmark   May 13, 2011 at 3:24PM
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Don't think much of mkroopy's response but I must ask you about the sex. It is at the bottom of many, many troubles and often isn't brought forward as a reason for dissatisfaction. Typically other matters are brought up instead so that it doesn't have to be talked about.

    Bookmark   May 13, 2011 at 5:46PM
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OK. Let's guess what he might be thinking/feeling. He made a lady pregnant and married young. During the infactuation phase, everything seemed ok, except he had a little nagging doubt sitting on his shoulder.

Now, he 20 yr old and thinks, what have I done? Have I chose the right one? Will I be happy 10 yrs from now? The soul fire has gone out lately and I think that I could be more attacted and turned on by someone else. But, how can I call it quits and start over with a child. I feel trapped; I'm unhappy about it.

Notice there is alot of "me" and "I" centered stuff in the above paragraph. He'll never be happy until he passes into a different phase where he thinks, "She's pretty good; Good looking, too. She a wonderful mother. I wonder if I could turn her into a tiger in bed? How could I give her a mini-vacation?

The other possibility is that he is scared witless about the prospect of having another child. He sees the financial burden as too great for his career to support. The though of heavy responsibility can turn down the flame. Older men who are experienced and well extablished in the job world are more confortable with this, but for guys these days with the changed economy, that does not happen until they are in their 30s. Some men do well with the challenge of responsibility, while others wilt.

If he's concerned about fathering another child, he and his wife should consult with a doctor about medical procedures that can insure no more children. In this case, it should be him that undergoes a procedure if that's what he wants. The woman should remain fertile just in case the marriage breaks apart anyway in the near future.

He needs to consult with a therapist who can point out the positives in his wife and give him ideas of how to capitalize on this. The sex part will heal itself after he gains a better feeling and sureness about the relationship.

Some therapists will "test" the relationship to reveal strengths and weaknesses. That would be a disaster in this case. Choose a therapist who looks for the positives and then works with those.

This man needs assurance that 10 years down the road, he'll be happy with his mate, and will feel that it was a wise choice. Sure, there are others in existance that can be a sexual turn-on, but then, if the wife is too, isn't that the better situation? Those other side infatuations can have big, unknown negatives as well. Somehow, he needs to get past the age of 40.

    Bookmark   June 27, 2011 at 11:34PM
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Or maybe Adele's hubby is just a jerk. In any event, she's just another fly-by so we don't get to know.

    Bookmark   June 27, 2011 at 11:55PM
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...maybe she took my advice and the problem went!

    Bookmark   June 28, 2011 at 1:59PM
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