My fiance's new friend...

jmd7979April 30, 2007

My fiance recently met a guy through his work. They became fast friends. This man drinks alot and smokes marijuana. My finace tells me that he is not doing any of that, and I believe him. The problem is, ever since he met him, he has changed. We used to spend alot of time together. I'm lucky to see him two times a week. He will hand out with him until two am on the weeknights. On the weekends, they are golfing, and fishing and playing cards. These are all things I used to do with my fiance. I have expressed my feelings to him, and he gets defensive. He tells me that we can do something together whenever I want, but whenever I try to make plans with him, he already has plans with his friend. I bought us tickets to go to an exhibit that was in town, and he invited his friend to come! I have not done anything with him in almost three months. I've been very angry lately. Now he is saying he can't stand to be at home because we fight so much. I don't know what to do. I'm supposed to marry this man, and I feel like I don't even know him anymore. I'm ready to call off the wedding, and count my losses. When i told him that, he told me that was a stupid idea. What do I do?

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sweeby

That doesn't sound 'stupid' at all to me. I'd be inclined to postpone the wedding indefinitely. Don't negotiate about it. Just do it. It's not intended to be a 'threat' if he doesn't 'shape up' -- it's a well-thought out response to a very real problem.

Your guy doesn't sound ready to settle down, and he's showing a callous disregard for your feelings. Not to mention the wisdom of haning out until the wee hours with someone who's doing things that are illegal.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2007 at 5:18PM
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asolo

Lucky lady, actually. Most people don't get to see it coming. Time to bail. This isn't marriage material.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2007 at 5:24PM
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popi_gw

He is immature, count your blessings that you have figured this out before you go down the marriage road.

Read all the marriage problems on this forum...you will see that the sort of behaviour your fiance is showing, turns into huge problems in a marriage.

Please reconsider, what the wedding means, its not just an event its the door to a whole life together with this person. Is that what you want to embark on ?

Popi

    Bookmark   April 30, 2007 at 6:59PM
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carla35

"What do I do"....if you're asking us that you really need to s l o w d o w n. We can't decide for you, but you really should not be getting married if you are not sure about it. Put it off for a while if nothing else. Here's an odd question...but is there a chance he is a closet homosexual or using this guy as a front and there is another woman? ...just seems like strange behavior for an engaged man.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2007 at 10:56PM
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azzalea

I don't believe for a second that your fiance is spending that much time with this guy and NOT also engaging drugs.

He's obviously just telling you what you want to hear--not doing drugs, we can do something any time, etc.

I don't know if he's having a romantic relationship with this guy (or someone else and using him as a cover), or if he's just not that into marrying you--but it's very, very clear that you are no longer a priority in his life.

You have to make up your own mind, but were I wearing your shoes, I'd be looking at this situation and saying, "this is NOT how I plan to spend the rest of my life. I will NOT be a doormat." And then I'd be moving to change things drastically.

Really, you deserve so much better.

    Bookmark   May 1, 2007 at 8:58AM
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ninos

Luckly your not married yet. Im curiuos in how long till the wedding. He is obviously showing signs that he is not ready for marriage. It is possible that he may not want to marry you and this is his way of making you call off the wedding. This way he is not the bad guy(in his eyes). I know this must be really hard and painfull for you. The best advice given was to call off the wedding at least until you see him act like himself again. You need to not make any compromises with him. This is your future. Although the sea might look empty now. There are plenty of fish out there.

    Bookmark   May 1, 2007 at 10:15AM
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debo_2006

Sounds like the exact same problem as cupojoe (she has a posting on here dated today). What's up with these guys?

Since you threatened him and he practically laughed it off, I'd follow through with it. There's a better man out there for you.

Do you actually believe that your fiance is NOT partaking in the drinking and smoking that this other guy does. If he's around this guy as much as you say, you bet he is doing those things. Lying is not a good way to begin a marriage. Good thing it hasn't gotten to that yet - marriage I mean.

    Bookmark   May 1, 2007 at 6:47PM
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