How long does it take?

hoakie2601April 16, 2007

My question is a lengthly one! I got married to the most wonderful man in Dec 06. He is a widower (his wife expired 10/05)

He cant seem to let go of several things in the house that involved her. Just this month he has packed her cloths up that where in our bedroom. They are now in the back room of our house to be sent to her sisters house. I lived in the house for almost a year with her cloths in our bedroom and my cloths in the back bedroom. I thought this was strange but I told him that I would give him the time he needed. I packed alot of her stuff that was on the dresser in the bedroom a few months ago and told him that I did this. He was OK with it, until the other day he found the box that I packed. He asked me what that was and I told him. At the same time that I packed that box I took a child painting off the fridge that said I love you Grandma on it. He had a fit over this and told me to put it back on the fridge right now. I feel uncomfortable with these things. Its my house now! Grandma is no longer here.

Please dont think that I am some mean and careless person. There is a picture of her in the hall. I have told him that the picture could stay on the wall until the end of time. That she was part of his life and he should not be made to take it down. But we have a wall in the house that has all her kids on the wall along with her and her family pictures when she was a child.

If I try to change anything around in the house he freaks out. This is the way he believes it should be because is other wife did it that way! When is it going to be my house. I cant put things up that I want up and do things I want to do around the house?

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I think the reason this is such an issue,is because he is still mourning. 10/05,was not really that long ago.If they were married a long time,it is going to take a WHILE for him to get over this. I'm actually suprized he has hooked up with you so soon after. My advice is for you to hold your horses a little. Give him more time.When he has mourned and isnt feeling so sad still,he will let you know when it's time to take her stuff down and put it away/get rid of it.

    Bookmark   April 16, 2007 at 4:44PM
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Its way too soon for you to be taking over the house, IMHO.

Coolmama is correct when she says that he is still mourning. You must find it in your heart to respect that he is going through this. Do some research yourself on stages of grieving.

I think is could always be an issue with you being in the same house, perhaps a new start is in order when the time comes. I would tread very carefully around that issue as well.

I lost my mum 5 years ago, and even now, it is important to me to have some of her things around my house, its gives me a feeling of being close to her. So I can fully understand your DH attatchment to his former wife's belongings.

I would be most respectful towards your DH and his children, whilst they are grieving, love will guide you in this.

Please google stages of grieving to give you some clarity.


    Bookmark   April 16, 2007 at 10:14PM
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I guess I posted this at the wrong time. I have infact been very patient about all this. It has been a tough road to travel. He asked me to marry him, I in no way forced this on him. I was happy in the life that we had. I have not demanded anything from him in regard to this. I have silently lived with it.

Over the Christmas holidays when hios step daughters wanted to come into the house and take out the things that where important to him and his former wife. I encouraged him to not just let them run his life. To keep those things until he was ready to let them go and to let them go on his terms not is stepkids terms. It has been a struggle, but I have not demanded anything nor would I. I am looking for advice here, not the balls to stand up to him and force him to do anything.

We developed our relationship on his ground. I did not push him into anything. I thought all along that this happened very fast. He is not a person to be alone. He wants someone in his life. He was dating by Christmas of 05 when she died end Oct 05. I did not meet him until April 06. So I did not push him into any form of a relationship.

I have thought about looking for our own house and getting out of this house we are in now. There are alot of good memories as well as alot of really bad memories here for him. But he has expressed a desire to stay here for now. Maybe that is what we need. A fresh start.


    Bookmark   April 16, 2007 at 11:22PM
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My next door neighbor is having a similar problem.. and she is now back home living and her husband comes about once a week for dinner. The last straw (I think) was when he had a fit because she had used some kind of special serving dish that had belonged to the other wife. She had been widowed about 10 years, him for less than 2.

It's just my personal opinion that all your husband's deceased wifes things should have been put away before you moved in, and anything that wasn't is yours to use. It's your house now, too!

You mentioned his step daughters... how many years were they married? It's hard to start a new life with someone else if you've been married 50 years. If he is stilling mourning his first wife, he shouldn't have remarried, IMO. I think sometimes people don't realize they aren't yet ready to move on.

I do have sympathy for your husband and his feelings, but it really bothers me to see what has happened to my neighbor. Seems like you are in the same boat.

I think a new house would be a good idea, and if he isn't up for that, then... I wish you well.

    Bookmark   April 16, 2007 at 11:42PM
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I don't think that you are mean or being unreasonable at all, just that there is a lack of understanding between what he feels those things represent and what you feel they represent. They are just things, not the person who has passed, but it seems like some people cannot separate those concepts very well. I don't know if he is still grieving her loss or not. And I don't think that his desire to keep those things is a reflection of his love for you. I do think that you need to talk with him about the meaning of the things in question, which may be uncomfortable to him. Just make sure you reassure him that you are not trying to make him forget his first wife. I can imagine it is very frustrating for you to not be able to do things your way in your own home. Good luck.

    Bookmark   April 17, 2007 at 2:00PM
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New house. Yes.

    Bookmark   April 17, 2007 at 2:09PM
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I believe he was married to his deceased wife for 14 years. They where together for several years prior to marriage. She had 2 children she brought to the marriage as he did. Her children are now 36 and 32.

It is a sticky place to be. We are not financially able to buy a home right now. I am debating on what to do. I would love to sell, but we did put alot into the home in the last couple months. To make it our home, that was the grounds we started this on. It was going to be our house. This flop has changed in the last month.

Im sure some of it came from clearing out her things. I know that was hard on him. But in reality this is something he should have had done before we got married. But I did not want to push him.

I do know know what it is like to lose someone that close. I am 40 and he is 48. He placed alot of the blame on himself for her death. That is a whole new issue! But I have heard that prior to her getting sick he was thinking about leaving her. He has not told me this and I would never ask him.

Thanks to everyone for providing me info to help me out and to let me vent.

    Bookmark   April 17, 2007 at 7:14PM
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My next door neighbor lost his wife in Dec of '05. he is still not over her, and the way he deals with her things is how I think most people would that are trying to let go, but not quite ready yet. about 6 months after her passing he brought me 3 pairs of her shoes as we were the same size (made me feel a little uncomfortable, but did not want to offend) more time elapsed and he brought me all her magazines that she had a subscription to. He has kept everything in the house the same, has daughters that even come and take care of her houseplants for him. It is as if he is very slowly taking care of her things, but he is in no rush, which seeing as he is not in another relationship there is no reason to do so.
There really is not a time frame for any one person who is mourning, one person will be different from another.
I think you are right, as soon as he cleaned out some of her things he may of even started to feel a bit guilty for doing so.
I myself would not feel comfortable living in the same house I would want a new home very much so!!!!

    Bookmark   April 22, 2007 at 2:54AM
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I'm not sure that grief alone is the problem here.
Men are reluctant to leave a home they own for a new spouse. If the relationship goes sour--then they are stuck with new mortgage payments and ownership disputes. They feel that slow is safe, and its true there is no rush.
Also women are territorial--we like to decorate the house, serve the meals. We get to wash the floors. If it feels like somebody else's house, then we might as well be the cleaning lady. You are going to have to take this slow--because men really don't understand that. As they get older, they prefer less change in their lives. They remarry so quickly because they think it provides less change. They think the new wife will slip into the same space--cooking, doing laundry, whatever. They forget the new wife hasn't had 16 years to learn their habits, and doesn't interact the same way, and she is a different person!
We are just as bad--we expect the 2nd husband to fix the things that are broken if the lst husband could.
Be patient. Its your best choice anyhow.

    Bookmark   April 24, 2007 at 10:14PM
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I have a friend who's first husband died after 10 years of marriage and in 6 months she married his best friend. they were married 18 years when he passed. in 9 months she was married to some one she met online and that turned abusive and now she is divorced and re-married living in the home she and #2 built and finally happy.

Sometimes we forget to greive. We are so afraid of being alone and having to deal with everyday life that we just
need some one to be there.

I think you are doing the right thing buy taking your time. but just remember it is your home now as well and It is okay to gently broach this fact.

    Bookmark   May 2, 2007 at 1:40AM
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You stated that he is feeling guilty and blaming himself for his wife's death. If this is the case then he is having an even harder time with the grief process. Feeling anger and blame is part of the grief process but when it is turned onto one's self then it leaves a gaping wound that takes even longer to heal. Please don't take this the wrong way, but he may have jumped into the relationship with you before he was ready to move on, thinking it would somehow make him feel better and help him "get over" his grief. I don't mean to imply that your relationship is not based on love or would not have eventually led to the same point, just that he might have moved more quickly than was prudent due to still dealing with his other issues. I strongly urge you to see a matrriage counselor together to work through this. I have seen others go down this path and if you do not get help now then you may begin to greatly resent your husband as well. You are in a very hard situation and you have my thoughts and prayers.

    Bookmark   May 6, 2007 at 4:34PM
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Not sure if I understand the whole thing right, but you say you've lived with him for almost a year--that would mean that you moved in about six months after his wife died. Correct me if my math isn't right. If it is, I think he just didn't have enough TIME to grieve so he's still doing it. He was probably very lonely and attentive to you but not really ready. I sure hope you can work things out. You sound like a lovely person--and I'd have taken that refrigerator picture off long before you did!

    Bookmark   May 9, 2007 at 9:57PM
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He has finely agreed to try and sell the house they shared together. His step daugther came down a few weeks ago and he felt uncomfortable in the house he shared with her mother and me being in it now. One step daughter has no problem with him selling the house but the other is very upset about it. She feels it is her mothers house. But they bought it together. She feels he has no business selling it and loosing all the memories that are in the house.

I still struggle with things. We have the dvd that was played at her memorial service and it has always been in the back room. The other day I found it in our room. So I know he has been watching it. And the drawing to her is still on the fridge. I wont touch it again. If we get our new home I am putting my foot down about what is put on the walls and drawing on the fridge! There is a wall in the hall way that is all pictures of her and her children and family. I do not feel that this is something we need to display in our new home. What do you all think?

Thanks again for taking the time to read this!

    Bookmark   May 17, 2007 at 12:50AM
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Gee, this is a tricky situation.

On the one hand I can understand your DH wanting pictures, and memories of his departed, but then on the other hand, he has chosen a life with you now, and that should be respected, and your feelings on the matter should be taken into consideration.

I think you just have to be patient. Time does heal things, and if he has decided to sell the house then that is one step to moving on.

With regard to pictures of her in the new home...mmmm...dont think I would like that, perhaps if you say it very gently and get him used to the idea, put the pictures "away" into a nice album, perhaps. This could be a symbolic way of saying goodbye to her, for your DH.

The house must be sold, and the step daughter will have to get used to it. She will, its just a shock, I guess, she will calm down.

For me, I coped with grief by accepting that life goes on, and forming attachments to houses, etc is not moving on.

It really emphasizes that memories is all you have, so make each day matter and enjoy it, with your loved ones. Sorry just had to say that !

Take care

    Bookmark   May 17, 2007 at 3:32AM
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This is probably going to sound harsh, but I think you married him too quickly. I think that even though he was the one who pushed for the marriage - you married this man only 6 months after you met him.

Since you were the person who was not grieving, you probably should have been the one to suggest that you take things more slowly. You didn't, and now you're dealing with the consequences.

This man was not ready to get married again - not really, in my opinion. I think that he didn't want to be alone and unfortunately you got wrapped up in the whirlwind because you probably didn't want to inspect things too closely. I can understand that I guess. I don't think it means that he doesn't love you - just that he's still grieving and his new relationship with him probably postponed most of the grieving.

You say that you have been living with her things for nearly a year... but you only met him in April of 2006. Then you got married in Dec 2006. So - you've been living with him since before you got married - sometime in the first six months that you knew him? Wow that's fast.

Yes, this is a tough situation - but I don't think acting as though he is the one who pushed all of this is the answer. You let him push things this way. He was grieving - and sometimes when people grieve, they grab onto other people like life preservers. That's what he did - and it's possible that he then STOPPED grieving. But then when you moved in and then got married - well, he probably saw things as him being forced to choose whether to finish grieving or just 'let go' to appease you.

But he's obviously not ready for that yet.

You both need to see a counselor ASAP and you need to prepare yourself for your stepdaughter resenting you for 'forcing' this issue. My family home is really important to me. The house that I grew up in was sold a while ago - it was on a lot of land and the guy my dad sold it to turned around and sold it to developers. All of it is gone - just gone... I am still heartbroken over it. This happened years ago and I STILL have not gotten over it - because I always thought that one day I would go back there and make that home my own... my dad and I used to dream about it. So when it got sold - against my wishes - it hurt. Because it was my DAD who made the decision (no stepmoms anywhere - he's still with my mom), that made it a little better - but if he'd remarried and his new wife forced the issue (selling my childhood home), I'd probably resent her until I was in the grave.

I'm being honest. For me - it was more than a house. It was part of my life - it was dreams and all manner of things - I would resent some new wife rolling in and making decisions to get rid of part of my legacy - the home would be part of my legacy.

If your stepdaughter is old enough - could she possibly purchase it? You're not just talking about selling 'his former wife's home' - it was your stepdaughter's home too and trivializing her attachment to it will only bring you resentment and anger from her.

    Bookmark   May 21, 2007 at 8:40PM
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First of all. What you are saying in regards to time maybe be correct. But the issue here is stepchildren. No she is not able to purchase the home from my husband. She has many issues and lives in another state. She has a drug problem and is currently on probation in the state she lives in.

Secondly, she is 32 years old. This home was purchased by my husband and her mother 14 years ago. Which met that she was 18 at the time of purchase. Had this been a home that she grew up in or even lived in as a child I would understand your point of view. My husband has many bad memories in this home also. Like the memory of when her mother was doing drugs and would lock herself in the home for days on end to do drugs. The memory of watching his wife take her last breath in the bedroom.

So weighing in the memories, he has many tough memories he has to live with on a daily basis also. I never forced the issue of selling the home. It does not bother me at all other than the outside issues. I think he that needs the fresh start in this case. Not to mention outside factors involved in this decision. Like we have a peeping tom in our neighborhood that has been caught in our yard 3 times since Dec. I am home at night by myself until 2 AM.

So maybe you should not be so harsh to people who post here. Even asking for more information before you spend all that time ripping me a new one.

    Bookmark   May 25, 2007 at 3:08PM
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Hoakie, I'm so sorry - this sounds like a tough place to be for all of you. As you've come to realize, it's a complex issue without many easy/clear-cut answers. Grief can't be programmed and scheduled, although people sometimes would like it to be.

It sounds like you've got great empathy and patience - realizing that there have been some important and life-changing moments in that house, allowing her photo to hang in the hall, and being willing to allow your husband to take his time in letting go.

However, having said that, at some point, you need to feel confident that the life you've committed to one another is truly between the two of you - without the spectre of his former wife accompanying you wherever you go. What I seem to be hearing in your words is that you're uncomfortable with the level of attachment he still has to her. So my question for you is: what would it take for each of you to feel comfortable in your marriage? You need to be able to make some space for "you" in the home and that needs to happen; and he needs - at some level - to be excited for that to happen. And it sounds like he needs some time & room to grieve, and let go of her at his own pace. But how you negotiate the specifics of those things are, unfortunately, things that no one else can tell you - they're things you'll need to discuss and work out between the two of you; probably more than once. But the upside of these kinds of conversations is that they'll ultimately help you know and understand each other better, and grow you closer.

I agree that a good couples' counselor might be a helpful resource for you right now.

You sound like a very patient, caring person. I can imagine that many women would throw down the gauntlet with a "she's gotta be gone or I won't move in" attitude. But the fact that you're willing to give him room and to try to understand what he's been through/going through speaks greatly of your character.

I hope the two of you work this out!

    Bookmark   May 25, 2007 at 4:03PM
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Thank you for your kind words. I think the closure is coming. We are going to Mississippi in June to spread her ashes. This is trip I felt like I did not need to take. This is a very personal time for him and her family. But he is insisting on me going. Also we will be staying with her family while we are in town. I am so dreading this! I dont want to throw his new marriage in the face of her sister.

When our home sells and we purchase another I will allow him to still have his connection to her. But to a limited point. This should be our new start.

I feel that I have been the most patient person with this issue. I have told him that I can only be a shoulder for him to cry on and he has many times. Cleaning out her things, moving her death certificate and other times. I have never lost a spouse so to say I understand what he is going through would be false. When we met he wore his wedding ring all the time. He told me once we got serious that he would have to take his ring off. I told him he could wear it for the rest of his life. That ring symbolized a love that should he had with someone that taught him to love me the way he does. For all the people that post so much negitative stuff should get more facts.

Him and I have a normal like, I know he still thinks about her. Selfishly I wish he did not. But he is letting go of his guilty with her and some of the material things.

    Bookmark   May 25, 2007 at 4:23PM
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Hoakie, you are one amazing woman. I'm guessing that the fact that you're faithfully there as a "shoulder to cry on" - without judgement or selfish motives - is one of the reasons he loves you. What a gift you're giving him!

The fact that he's insisting on your being a part of the spreading of her ashes is very significant, I think. He desires to include you in a very - as you say - personal and meaningful moment in his life. To me that says that he's not trying to shut you out, or usurp your place as his wife with her memory. He's doing the hard work of grieving and he's asking you to walk alongside him as he must be very important to him. I've no doubt that your sensitivity to her family will be both recognized and appreciated.

Patience is a tremendous virtue - especially when there are often times we just don't feel like being patient anymore. But everything I read in your words says to me that you are offering it out of love - again, an amazing gift. As long as you're OK with how things stand between the two or you, I can only see things getting better. He will know you as the person who accompanied him through a stormy season of his life with encouragement, kindness and the willingness to let him grow at his own pace.

    Bookmark   May 25, 2007 at 6:29PM
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Why do people even remarry? I can't imagine it, my first marriage was too much trouble, why get into another one at the middle or later stage of life? I dated for a number of years after my divorce, one person was very special, but I never wanted to be tied down to all that again.
I don't get lonesome, guess that is why, but really, why borrow someone else's baggage when you probably have enough of your own. I know this is no answer to the lady's question, just my reaction to it.

    Bookmark   May 27, 2007 at 4:23PM
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I'm sorry that you felt I 'ripped you a new one' - as I simply called the situation as I saw it - which was this marriage occurred really fast after your husband's wife's death - even if there was someone else in between (wow that guy moves fast, lol). Had it not occurred this quickly, you likely wouldn't have the issues that you now have (struggling with being at your husband's side while he buries his deceased wife's ashes - who died before you came into the picture).

I think your defensive reaction proves that you're uncomfortable with your own choices - which makes it hard to hear when others point it out. I understand that, as I would be too were I in your position. I also understand that the reason why you feel so uncomfortable with going to spread your DH's deceased wife's ashes is because you worry that others will look askance at the shortened time limit. But honestly, you can't worry about that - make the decision to go or not go. If you go, hold your head high and don't let what anyone else says sway you in supporting your husband.

My worry for you is that you'll go with your husband and look uncomfortable the whole time - which will only reinforce the shortened time frame in the minds of the people (his family) that you're clearly afraid of. Then they may react to you and then you'll be worried that they think this or that - and on and on.

But life has a way of teaching one patience - maybe this will teach you some and you can figure out a way to have patience with yourself as you deal with this situation. I think that if you treat yourself with care and respect right now and try to simply be supportive of your husband, that things will work out in the end.

Additionally, about the stepdaughter - I did say 'if' in my scenario... as I didn't want to assume this was the case - but that if it was that this could be behind her behavior... clearly, that's not the case - though I don't really see what her drug abuse has to do with her love for a family home that her mother lived in for so long.

Good luck.

    Bookmark   June 18, 2007 at 6:12PM
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This should have been discussed before the marriage. I wouldn't have married a man that was still grieving for his wife and wouldn't remove her things. As a matter of fact, I talked to my husband before I married him about getting a new bed. It sounds like he married you because he was lonely and needed a cook and housekeeper. If he does not put you first he does not love you. When I married my husband he had a few things that belonged to his ex, when he found them he gave them to his son. I sat through one evening of watching home movies of his kids and their Mom, until it came to watching them kiss each other under the mistletoe, then I left the room. He followed me and asked if something was wrong, I told him and he helped me in the kitchen while the kids watched the movies.

    Bookmark   June 21, 2007 at 10:59PM
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I would like to know the answer to that same question "How long does it take"
We have been married 14 years, I am still trying to fill the first wifes shoes. At first things seemed great, like he really loved me, but now I don't know.
Why has it come to light after 14 years. He went to greive councelling shortly after we were married because he was having nightmares.
Then today following a tiff, he said "Joan will always be number one" that is his first wife. They were married 28 years, she died suddenly with no warnings.
There has been several things like that over the years but number one has to be, we still have her ashes. I have tried to mention it is time, not really my place, but they are still with us. As long as they are, she is.
Right now I am feeling like I just wasted 14 years of my like waiting.

    Bookmark   December 15, 2008 at 1:36AM
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I feel your pain and am truly sorry you are having to endure this.....but I can see this from both sides. I was widowed and so was DH. Although we were alone quite some time, so we did have our time to grieve. I have "accepted" DH's first wife as a "friend" fact, our school pictures look so much alike we could have been twins...we have the same qualities, both majored in accounting, wore the same type of glasses, same hair color and size, use the same "slang", we both had three children and four grandchildren, etc.

We chose to put away the pictures of our former spouses, but not our memories....we talk about them frequently and lovingly. We both know that we miss out original spouses and talk about them on their birthdays, our anniversaries, their days of death, etc. It was I that went and planted grass on her grave...and he said no other woman would have ever done that. I buy the flowers on Memorial Day and we go together to the graves of both former spouses.

We do still use some of "their" things.....and although it is not my taste (especially the dining room set)...but I did put new upholstery on the chairs and legs on the table to change the appearance a bit....but to this day (8 years later), I always think about her when I dust them, but not in a resentful way.
He said I could replace them, but they are much better quality than can be bought these days, and he actually "drags" his feet when we go to the furniture him, it is a waste to spend money to replace perfectly good I let it go at that. We did build a new home, so I don't have to live in her space.
From day one, he has told me that her things are my things to use however I chose....and if they happen to get broken, so be it. Even on our wedding day, he gave me a beautiful, very expensive pearl and gold jewelry set that he had bought for his wife....I wore it a few times and have just "put it away"...and will give it to his daughter when I leave this earth.

Are you not only living in "their" house, but using their things? Did you bring personal items to add to the home?

I know this might "bug" you terribly right now, but help him grieve....go to the spreading of her ashes and be a support to him, but don't try to take the spotlight...just be there to hold his hand and try to make peace with the lady she was. This will give you real character and not seeming to be a threat to her memory and his family members. I assume you are not widowed....there is a huge difference between being divorced and widowed...and hope you can understand that.

Grief counseling would be good for him and marriage counseling for both of you. You can make this work, but it takes a whole lot of understanding on your part.....bite that tongue if necessary, but for now, make piece with his former wife.

Good luck and keep us posted as to how things are working out.

    Bookmark   December 15, 2008 at 12:10PM
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I think it's a combination of him wanting his home to stay the same (control) and him missing his deceased wife. I agree he should have been able to put the past away and move on before you moved in with him...but since he wasn't I think it's time for you to move on with your life. To me that would mean getting my own home with MY things in it.
I agree-you should not push him,but I think it's time for him to recognize your feelings...You have been more than patient and a woman needs a place where SHE is also. So what I would do is tell him you realize (the DVD and stuff) is important to him. You also need a place to call YOUR home. You love him and want to be with him-but in a new life; with new memories of the two of you together. I would also tell him that I was contemplating moving in a home where I could feel it is mine, and if and when he is ready to live with YOU-that he is welcome. That way all of their children, can get with him and set this in motion one way or the other and you won't be in the way (of their thoughts or feelings for their mother).
An idea; since the children are so attached to the house why doesn't one of them buy the house? I really think if they did, you would see a change; in decor and atmosphere.
You can't live with the ghost of "wife past" forever, and if you do I think you will be denying yourself a life-with him and with yourself.
Yes, I realize this isn't what you've been hearing-but, I really think a lot of people may be looking past your needs, and they are just as important as anyone else's.
Good luck to you-I wouldn't want to be in your shoes...

    Bookmark   December 15, 2008 at 12:59PM
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phoggie, your post is beautiful. What a wonderful way the two of you have handled a second marriage. Without doubt the fact that both of you have such a amazing attitude is what has made it work. Wishing you both many happy years together.
To others that haven't had it work so well, could read them her post?

    Bookmark   December 15, 2008 at 7:13PM
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I'd like to share my story of losing a spouse. It was my sister. She was a devoted and faithful wife.

My sister died in October of 03. After 20 years of being married to my brother-in-law. They had the most wonderful marriage or so it seemed. He dealt with her passing in a way that made us "her family" very uncomfortable. But it worked for him and of course his feelings are all that matter - to him anyway. He did watch her suffer and fight cancer for 4 years, so in a way I guess he was unconsiously relieved that she was out of her living hell.

She died on a Sunday. She was buried on Tuesday and that's the day he quit wearing his wedding ring. The day of the funeral he had my aunt going through her closet taking shoes that would fit my cousins. By Friday that week he had all of her clothes removed by a friend and given out to all her friends. They were picked over by the time I got to have a look.

It just seemed like he couldn't move on fast enough. We visited at Christmas - just six weeks later and he stayed out all night on a date. He went through women so fast, there were so many so quickly. I found it to be such a disgrace to my sisters memory. Of course I wanted him to find happiness but - it was like he was happier if he acted like that part of his life never even existed. He completely cut us out of his life. My parents were doubly devastated, first losing my sister then their son-in-law. Sometimes I thought he was mad a us for living.

Now five years later he has a women living with him. She has been off and on for about four years. I briefly visited them last May. It was so uncomfortable. I was watching this woman use all the stuff that my sister had collected and choosen for her home. It was like this lady had moved in and taken my sisters place. It is very painful to have someone you loved memory completely ignored.

These are just my opinions. I cannot put myself in his place since I've never personally gone through what he did.

I'd like to think I'd treat my husbands family differently if he were to go first.

Thanks for letting me vent. I never saw a post before that dealt with this subject - if affects everyone differently.

    Bookmark   January 7, 2009 at 4:44PM
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