Is it ok to say no??

kcilsApril 19, 2007

is it ok to say no, what i mean is, my wife wants me to travel out of town with her for her sisters b-day party, its a spur of the moment thing, i love my inlaws to death but just hanging around there house all day with my father-in-law while her and her mom shops is just not my idea of fun, we get along great, but he feels he has to babysit me and i don't like that. btw, its only 3 hours away and she make the drive quite frequently all the time. On one hand I feel obligated to go but only cause I don't want to cause turmoil, on the other hand it would be great to have the house to myself and just be able to relax, even though i'm quite sure she knows I don't want to go, she would still drag me along and I would probably have a bad atitude because I wouldn't want to be there, and I wouldn't want to rush her away because I know she misses her family and want them to spend as much time as she wants with them.

am I being selfish? or is it ok to say "babe i think i'm just going to chill here this weekend, give your sis my best and have fun"

i just don't want to cause a confrontation.

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sweeby

It ought to be OK -- Just tell her the truth.
Easier now than later.

    Bookmark   April 19, 2007 at 4:24PM
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bnicebkind

Would it be OK with you if your wife declined to go to something with "your" family, because she really didn't feel like it, and would rather have the house to herself while you went alone to your parents?

    Bookmark   April 19, 2007 at 4:34PM
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asolo

One day? Suck it up and do it. Save your aggravation for something more important. Drag your FIL out of the house and go do something to make the best of it. Might establish a whole new relationship.

Even if its as bad as you fear it will be, you'll score big points with your wife, Maybe its something you should just do this time. Maybe put it "in the bank" for the next time you really don't want to do something or when you'd really like her to do something. Maybe time to be a really nice guy for a day.

No whining, though. You have to at least pretend to enjoy it.

    Bookmark   April 19, 2007 at 5:03PM
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Meghane

Everyone has to deal with the family issues. You didn't just marry her, she's a package deal. At least they're nice. Maybe you could be honest to your FIL about wanting some time alone or suggest something that you could do together instead of just hanging around the house.

I get the same way. I'm not antisocial, but I don't like to be in the presence of others 24/7, and since we stay at DH parents' house that's how it is. I finally got the nerve to say that I wanted to be alone for a while (same deal- boys went out to play golf, left me home alone with MIL) and she was relieved to not have to entertain me! After a couple of hours in the guest room reading, I suggested something we both like to do, and it was really fun.

Try it just once. If it doesn't work out, then you're only as miserable as you thought you would be. But maybe it will be an enjoyable time, and you'll score brownie points with both your wife and his family- always a good thing!

    Bookmark   April 19, 2007 at 5:06PM
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kcils

bnicebkind....yea i'm totally ok with it, this past weekend it was the same scenario she stayed home, not a big deal in my book.

asolo...don't think i haven't viewed it from your P.O.V as well, its not even that its bad, its just one of those things.

    Bookmark   April 19, 2007 at 5:11PM
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coolmama

I dont see anything wrong with vetoing the family visit now and then. There have been plenty of times I havent gone to an event of my husband's family,and times he hasnt gone to mine either.As long as it's not a made a habit of,where's the harm?

    Bookmark   April 19, 2007 at 5:34PM
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kcils

asolo....if anything she should be the one earning the "brownie points" as she has turned our anniversary cruise/vacation into a family affair by inviting her parents, grandmother, aunt and cousins, AND THERE ALL COMING, and i'm cool with it. so is me wanting to relax over the weekend that big of a deal?

    Bookmark   April 19, 2007 at 6:00PM
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asolo

Your family. Your balance. Your call. We're not the ones that need accomodating. You can write to us. You must live with them. Don't have more to offer you. But something tells me you'll work it out ok.

Entire family of in-laws on an "anniversary cruise"? Whoa! Not sure I want to know the preamble to that story.

    Bookmark   April 19, 2007 at 6:57PM
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popi_gw

Kcils

I think its okay to propose you stay at home.

But you could plan an outing with FIL, he might be thinking "I have to sit and babysit that SIL of mine, gee, I'd rather be going to lawn bowls". See the whole thing as an opportunity.

I think you are more than accommodating, with the anniversary thing.

But, then again, I think being on your own is a luxury, be good to yourself, if thats what you want to do.

Some ideas for you.

    Bookmark   April 19, 2007 at 7:19PM
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debo_2006

There's nothing wrong with not going to every single family event together. We go separately whenever we feel like it. By now, DH's family knows I make my own choices, and vice versa. It works for us.

Just tell her how you feel. I would hope she understands (I certainly would).

Good luck,
Deb

    Bookmark   April 21, 2007 at 5:25PM
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marge727

This is a birthday party. Have you thought about getting champagne and turning it into an event? Take photos, suggest playing bocce ball on the lawn.
My husband just went to my brother's wedding with me and was wonderful--everybody loved him. He took photos, video, talked with everybody, the young cousins and the old ladies. He should run for Congress. When his family has events, I go and try to do the same. Our family is scattered over the U.S.
so its always a long tiring trip. I really appreciate him for it.

    Bookmark   April 24, 2007 at 10:24PM
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