Hubby 'docks my pay'

mrsg2bApril 9, 2007

Am I a complete idiot or what? We've been married for almost 5 years. I'm the bread winner, always have been, always will be. He's unemployed at the moment, but is currently still giving me $200/wk....I bought the house before marrying him, I pay the mortage and all bills, except his car insurance. He was carrying the medical insurance when he was working, but I have since picked that up. Him being out of work isn't the issue, nor is how much money he contributes to the household, it's the fact that I have to listen to his remarks and threats that he's going to hold back $30 if I happen to busy or have to be somewhere and am not able to make supper -- even though he's home all day. He makes me feel like being married is more of a job than anything, and if I don't live up to my duties, I'm docked money.

Does anyone else have an old-world thinking husband like mine. Am I an idiot or just being selfish?

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sweeby

Different couples find that different financial arrangements work best for them, but your husband's particular tactics would offend me to no end.

So it's your job to "bring home the bacon" and "fry it up in the pan" -- and his job is what? To criticize how well you do it?

A marriage is supposed to be a partnership, which means each person brings something to the table. Maybe it's a financial contribution, maybe it's taking care of children, home and hearth, maybe it's loving support and companionship. I can see what you're contributing, but what about him? He needs to step up to the plate and pull an equal share of the household tasks.

He's treating you like an employee -- I'd quit!

    Bookmark   April 9, 2007 at 2:38PM
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asolo

You've described pretty strange behavior. All kinds of different ways to share the load, but this is whacky. Your husband needs straightening out -- pretty directly and pretty quick, I'd say.

Doesn't sound like "old-world thinking" to me -- just stupid and inconsiderate for any place or time.

    Bookmark   April 9, 2007 at 3:13PM
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sylviatexas1

If he were an "old-world thinking kind of guy", he'd have a job.

The kind of thinking that this is is the kind employed by abusers, drug dealers, & pimps:
the productive person ends up bullied, enslaved, powerless, & convinced that he/she has no way out & has to be "grateful" to the bully for not being any worse.

Your hubs is not only not doing his share, he isn't doing *anything*, & he's still a domineering jerk.

Put your money in a separate account & let him figure out his own problem.

(& stop cooking dinner).

    Bookmark   April 9, 2007 at 4:20PM
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Meghane

How does an unemployed person afford to give you $104,000 per year?!

    Bookmark   April 9, 2007 at 4:29PM
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popsicle_toe

============================================
Posted by meghane:
How does an unemployed person afford to give you $104,000 per year?!
============================================

Meghane, your math was a bit off :) It should be $10,400 per year (52 weeks in a year) and it's possible to give that much from unemployment checks alone.

    Bookmark   April 9, 2007 at 4:49PM
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labmomma

Your husband docks your paycheck. Yes you are an idiot to put up with that.

Best of luck to you.

    Bookmark   April 9, 2007 at 5:47PM
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Vickey__MN

I guess he can only do what you allow him to do. Your money can be put into any account you dictate, he doesn't even have to have access to your money technically. So if you allow him to dock your pay, then..you get to live the life you are choosing. You can change it if you wish, you see, you have all the power here, if you choose.

Vickey-Mn

    Bookmark   April 9, 2007 at 6:00PM
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jennmonkey

Are you kidding me? Sorry to say but I'm voting for idiot. If you want to support him, that's fine, but he should have NO say on what you get for spending money, let alone "dock" your pay for not making dinner!!! He's not an old-thinking husband, he's a controlling @ss!

Don't let him have anything to do with the money. Put it in your own bank account (which he has no access to), and do whatever you want with it. Tell him when he gets a job and helps contribute then he can have an opinion about the finances.

And I agree with everyone else, you are allowing this to happen, and you are the only one who can change it.

    Bookmark   April 9, 2007 at 6:24PM
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popi_gw

You DH is a nut, sorry !

Tell him to get a job, and stop being silly. More important things to think about.

Remind him you are married, you work as a team.

Popi

    Bookmark   April 11, 2007 at 1:49AM
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coolmama

What the crap. My husband and I have been 50/50 since the day we met. We do the bills together,we split the spending money evenly. Dont stand for this girlfriend!

    Bookmark   April 11, 2007 at 5:06AM
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daft_punk

The OP sounds like a troll to me.

    Bookmark   April 11, 2007 at 5:44PM
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micke

We are 50/50 as well, although, he holds all the money and he figures out what is going where. both our names are on the accounts but I only do what he has said (believe me, it is better this way, I have learned my lesson the hard way, no fun being in jail for a bounced check you have no knowledge of because you can't keep a checkbook straight for nothing)
but 200 dollars a week for spending money?? I get 50 a week out of my check and it is more then enough, he pays for the gas for the cars and what not, this is just for myself, whatever I want to do with it, more than he gets and he makes 3 times the amount I do a week.

but your situation is like none I have ever heard of, selfish?? only if you are a troll.

    Bookmark   April 14, 2007 at 3:13AM
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patti43

Yep, you're an idiot.

    Bookmark   April 14, 2007 at 9:54PM
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scarlett2001

Sounds like a power thing. He may feel powerless since you bring in the $$ so he is trying to reestablish some control in that area.

How long has he been out of work? Is he looking or is this a permanent arrangement for you two?

As for you being an "idiot"... love has made us ALL idiots at one time or another. Or I should say, we have allowed ourselves to be that way for the sake of love or whatever we saw as love at the time.

Like any other relationship, love is a power balance. I think when the power is more balanced in your marriage, these problems may disappear. Anyway I hope so. Good luck!

    Bookmark   April 16, 2007 at 3:41PM
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jenny_alabama

I just really hate hearing people being called idiots...shouldn't there be another choice of words here?

    Bookmark   April 16, 2007 at 5:14PM
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robinwv

Start handing him a bill for services rendered: cooking, cleaning, laundry and what would a hooker charge him? The man is abusing you! You can do better!

    Bookmark   April 17, 2007 at 9:53PM
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patti43

jenny--she asked if she was an idiot or selfish. Since she certainly isn't selfish, I chose the former.

    Bookmark   April 17, 2007 at 10:06PM
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jenny_alabama

oh...I didn't see that part...sorry.

    Bookmark   April 18, 2007 at 10:47AM
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debo_2006

YOU own the house, YOU pay the bills, YOU are the bread winner. WHY in hell is he controlling the money? Cut him off from handling any money and start controlling it yourself. Give me a "weekly allowance" and see how he likes it. Geez, I'd never put up with that crap. If he's unemployed, he should have dinner on the table for you when you get home. You work all day so you have a busier life than he does. Tell him to get his ass out and find a job so he can stop worrying about your every moment.

    Bookmark   April 21, 2007 at 5:45PM
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foosacub

Get a new bank account (one that is solely yours), and kick the loser out. If you're feeling generous, give him a month - but don't buy food/cook for him, don't hang out - go do something for you. And when the month is up, get him the HELL OUT OF YOUR HOUSE.

Just MHO.

    Bookmark   April 22, 2007 at 7:51PM
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