hurt again.

lizzie2April 4, 2008

My DH left his cellphone home, since the last time that was one way I found out about him and the other lady, I went through it. He had her name and phone numbers (yes plural, work, work cell, home and her cell). Then he had her birthday on his cell calendar. I lost it. Am I a fool to believe that he did not know the phone numbers were there and that he programmed in her birthday LAST year for this year? I am so tired of trying to believe him. The therapist said not to go through the phone records and look for this stuff. He changed again. He started bringing home stuff he removed and took me shopping again. Please I need someone's input besides the therapist's and a close friend. The friend thinks he is just playing it along until I file to save his reputation and since there is a wedding in the other woman's family coming up to save that also. Please, please talk to me.

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I'm not really understanding why you can't look through the phone records and stuff. If he recently admitted to having an affair, all his stuff like that should be way out in the open for you to see any time you'd like, IMHO. Granted, yes those numbers theoretically could have been there from years ago and the B-day could be set to program every year, but I wouldn't bet on it.

Did you happen to see a detailed listing of his more recent calls? In fact, why don't you ask to see that when the phone bill comes to see if he has been talking to her? If he refuses, I think you pretty much have your answer.

I know there are people who think that spouses should be able to keep some things private and withheld from the other spouse... I'm not one of them. My husband can see my phone or e-mails any time he wants to. He never wants to, but he can. Open records are important especially if there is history of an affair. Granted, I probably would never go into my husband's stuff without good cause or real suspicion, but in this age of STD's that can deem you infertile or even kill you, hey, you have to protect yourself.

What does your therapist think you should do? Just wait for him to admit to you that he's having another affair and you should just hang on until then? Does he think you are just being paranoid?... You could be, but that logically often happens when one spouse cheats... that's why open records and no secrets are especially important in those situations. How can you gain back trust if things are being hidden from you (innocent or not)?

I'm not really understanding what the shopping or wedding in the other woman's family has to do with anything.

Is your husband seeking counseling this marriage counseling or are you just going by yourself?

    Bookmark   April 4, 2008 at 2:25PM
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He stopped going to the therapist with me. We had been getting along well for some time. I just wanted to know that I was safe in trusting again. Big surprise, I think I was wrong. He has been getting blocked calls for awhile and says he does not know whom it is. He told me the last time if she needed a friend he intended to be there for her, but he did not want to see her. Now, he told me her DH is complaining about the cost of the wedding and so on. He knew they remodeled the kitchen last year and are doing it again. My DH says they have not talked in 6 months, which I was with him when she visited. I believed what he told me, if there was anything going on she would not come around. I am just so tired of feeling like trash.

    Bookmark   April 4, 2008 at 2:39PM
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Do you know about Al-anon? About their premise that the problem does not belong to you?
Assuming you know he had been unfaithful and was having a relationship with another woman. And assuming he knew you knew....that point is established. Why go looking foir evidence? Thatls like sniffing the breath of the alcholic for a whiff of alcohol. You are only driving yourself crazy by focusing on the problem.
Has he told you it's over? Then believe him.
I know very VERY well 2 couples where there was a situation where he moved out for another lady. Both cases she waited it out and let him know she was willing to try again should he end it and return home.
And in both cases he returned and now 17 and 19 years later, they have a good marriage years later.
Believe him...allow him a chance to be good....but I would sit him down, look him in the eye and aask if the affair with "her" is really over. I believe he will say it is....then ask him nicely to please remove her phone numbers from his phone.
If her refuses, then I sure would be out the door....or boot him out.
Linda C

    Bookmark   April 4, 2008 at 2:48PM
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Is there really a need to go through his things? A cheating spouse gets careless over time. If you would just sit tight, watch the signs, ask questions when you feel that you have to, everything will surface. If you just have to know now, get a private detective. It is well worth it. One sure sign, in my opinion, would be that he is no longer attending the therapy sessions and that he would be there for her if she needed a friend.

    Bookmark   April 4, 2008 at 3:55PM
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I remember some of your old posts, and he wasn't exactly Prince Charming. In fact, I'd say the affair isn't even your top marital problem.

Do you two even want to be married to each other? You may not be able to speak for him, but what about you?
Are you glad when he comes home from work? Or is that when the walking on eggshells begins?
Do you enjoy your time together, or stress over it?
Does he still pour as little effort into your relationship as he did a year ago?
Does he make you feel better about yourself or worse? Are you a better person when he's around? Or less so?
Do you want your girls to grow up and have a marriage like yours? And what would you want them to do if they realize they've fallen into one?
And what would your financial situation be like if you decided to initiate divorce procedings?

If you decide you're really and truly stuck in this marriage (and don't decide that without some serious thought), then stop looking for things that will hurt you.
There are gonna be a lot of them with this guy, and each one you let in will diminish you. Keep them out, even it it means closing your eyes sometimes.
But if you decide you want out, collect your ammo. and give it to your tiger attorney.

    Bookmark   April 4, 2008 at 6:41PM
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Living with suspicion is a poison in itself. I suggest resolve it directly and move on from it.

Basically, I'm agreeing with sweeby. Indecision becomes decision. I wouldn't live like that.

    Bookmark   April 4, 2008 at 7:14PM
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I suggest that you don't look at any of his data unless you are ready to accept what you find and do something about it. Personally I would follow him or get someone else to do it. I couldn't live with the suspicion. I don't understand how people put up with cheating. I don't agree with "working it out". A cheater is a cheater and always will be.

    Bookmark   April 5, 2008 at 2:49PM
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You are wrong about that. Sorry.

A cheater is NOT always a cheater. You do a disservice to all those who prove you wrong.

I will agree that when someone cheats, if things never change, the likelihood of cheating remains high. But, people DO change. Relationships can change. Your view is rigid and sad.

    Bookmark   April 5, 2008 at 6:10PM
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I think there are some good thoughts here-- Sweeby in particular raised some good questions.

I agree that cheating is a behavior in the repetoire. Someone who can do it once, has the personality and tools to do it again. I don't think all unfaithful marriages are doomed, or that adulterous spouses never change, but the index of suspicion is much higher.

Re hunting through phone records, comparing statements, I think that is hard to resist when you have reason to be doubtful. However, a spouse who wants to cheat will do it. It is impossible to stop them. If you truly cannot trust them it hardly seems worthwhile to be married, unless you have to stay in because of money or children.

I know one couple where the wife cheated early in the marriage while deployed. They recovered, had children, and seem strong many years later. My FIL cheated early in their marriage, at intervals throughout, and finally left my then 63-year-old MIL for an employee of his who was 20 years younger. (She has since left him, and he was looking for sympathy. I had none.) Two other people I know were left 2-3 times in midlife, took the husbands back each time, only to be left for good in the end. Among the many intact and seemingly happy couples I know, there may have been adultery, but I never heard about it.
I'd say the prognosis is poor after adultery but some people do seem to get through it and come out the other side. I guess the question is, do you really want to?

    Bookmark   April 5, 2008 at 11:10PM
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I am confused as to why he saw the girl 6 months ago with you. Was that before you found out about the affair? How do you and him know this other woman?

I am all for making a mariage work. But I also think both parties have to work together to make a marriage work. I consider cheating as breaking the marriage vows. I would not stay in a marriage once that trust was broken.

Why would you want to live in constant suspicion? I once had a boyfriend who cheated on me. Before I caught him I was suspicious and had that sick to my stomach feeling. IT was awful! I decided to look at his cell phone records (went online and was able to guess his password). Saw a # he called way too much so I called it. Found out he started another relationship 4 months before! Both her and I went to his work and dumped him on the spot! You can not imagine how wonderful it felt to get the weight of suspicion off my shoulders!

Do not settle for a spouse who cheats. Your always going to have doubts because of what he has done in the past. That trust is so difficult to get back, as well as your self-esteem after being cheated on. Do you want to be in your 40's or 50's and have him decide to leave you for a younger woman? Many men with a history of cheating do that! They cheat throughout their marriage and eventually leave. Do not waste your younger years on this!

Some may say he could change. The odds are against it. It is your life, which gamble do you want to take?

    Bookmark   April 8, 2008 at 6:56PM
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the part that would make me pack his bags after an affair is where he said he'd be there for her as a friend, thats utter BS!!!! Nah, I'd tell him to pack his bags or pick the clothing off the street!!! What nerve he has saying such a thing, after messing around, endangering your life like that. He should be kissing your feet that you didnt' kick him out.

    Bookmark   April 10, 2008 at 6:42PM
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6 months ago she attended a function where we both were AGAIN. It is over, scars are fresh but it is over.

Do I want to be married to him? If I had a magic wand and could turn back! I miss the life I had then and the person whom was in my life. I hurt someone that loved me, supported my career and never said anything about my friends. Why did I date DH...I had liked him forever and he found out I was alive. I did not know he had went looking for the other woman and could not find her. The rest of the history between the two you know. He did tell me that I had my hair cut like her when we first started dating. Oh well.

I am glad to see him when he comes home but not like I used to. I do enjoy the time we spend together. I spent the last week doing home improvements with him; he did notice the problems I had walking. He is supposed to take me out for supper and a movie tonight, let's see if he does and that will tell me alot.

He does try to make me feel better but at times he can be so mean. I did something this week that made me feel good. I went and got my hair cut and had my daughters pick out a new outfit. He said it look nice but it did not make me feel good. I felt good for I looked nice; I am finally taking care of me. People that knew me before I had problems cannot believe how far I let me go and now they are telling me that I am looking better.

My girls hopefully would not let themselves get hurt like this. They have seen the hurt and I pray they have learned NOT to let it happen to them.

Money wise I would be okay if we divorced. He would not. He told me what his attorney said the alimony would be and it is the same as what mine said. So why stay? I love him still but not like I once did. Will I ever trust him? He has to prove to me I can. After reading all the posts from others, I really do not think I ever will. Therapy is going well. I am getting to the point where I am taking me to where I should be. I am back doing things I love and do well. It has been alot of work and I will not go back. I still have friends I do not talk to yet. He says they are ok and then he cuts them down again. I cannot let them in my life for I cannot listen to his opinions of them.

Oh well.

    Bookmark   April 12, 2008 at 4:09PM
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You can not have a relationship without trust. Bottom line.

Im new here but judging from this post this man has broken your heart and trust more than once. If its to the point that you cant believe anything he says or you cant control checking behind him for evidence all the time......the scares are too deep.

It may be time to cut your loses and move on. You will only make yourself crazy playing PI all the time.

I hope things work out for you.

    Bookmark   April 12, 2008 at 8:40PM
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Well a date that was suppose to be a dinner and a movie ended up have him come home, hand me the phone to see what movie was on, then ended up with the youngest yelling her movie was at the theater and he invites her along. I tell him to take her and I would stay home. He decided to take his clothes to the car and would leave if I did not go. So we get to the theater, no movies impressed him, he want to know about them and it was like last year. He takes me to dinner and then home. Some great date night, he is already in bed. Fun, right.

Am I wrong for being hurt? He is reading a book and does not really care where I am, why does it hurt so much?

    Bookmark   April 12, 2008 at 9:45PM
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doodleboo he missing his sensitivity chip? He is very "My way or the highway" isnt he? Seriously Lizzie, is he worth your feelings getting smashed all the time? Did he actually threaten to LEAVE over a movie date....I mean really? Really????

    Bookmark   April 12, 2008 at 10:15PM
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Yep, really. So how is your weekend?

    Bookmark   April 13, 2008 at 8:19AM
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If my man took his clothes to the car and threatened to leave,I would say see ya,what a complete creep he is ,and you are letting him get away with it.get rid.

    Bookmark   April 13, 2008 at 9:09AM
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I finally had the session with the therapist. The mind was changed; thinks there is a hold between husband and the other woman and does not see why. Told me to take a break away from everyone including the children, so I am taking a trip alone for a week. When I told him what the therapist said he admitted he could not afford to divorce me. FINALLY THE TRUTH about that. He also claims the reason he is here is he still loves me. Finally said the words but no actions. The children made my mothers day. So I leave today for the trip. Time away to think sounds great, taking some books and the laptop. I have gotten the okay from the attorney to leave and he says it is okay for me to file, it will not hurt the case. Thanks everyone for keeping me sane.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2008 at 11:12AM
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