Every arguement ends with the 'divorce' word
I'm so confused. First I should say, I love my husband very much. He's not perfect but he's a really good and descent man who has overcome much. My concern is that maybe he really doesn't love me anymore. Or maybe he really does, but is just confused himself? I don't want to torture him to stay in a marriage he doesn't want, but I don't want to give up if it's not really me and he's just having some sort of mid-life crises.
We had a rough start, lot's of jealousy and fear of intimacy issues for him. I drank too much back then, had major self-esteem issues, control issues, probably depression too. But we've been together almost 15 years now, and we've overcome most of those issues. Always when we argue now though he threatens divorce. Always afterward he acts like everything is fine, if I question him, he says I should know he didn't mean it, of coarse he loves me. Yet he continues to say it again every single time he gets upset with me. I have to hold my tongue carefully because I get so hurt. If I lose my temper and say "fine if you don't want me then go" I suspect he might follow thru with it just so as not to back down. I know sounds crazy but....
And if I say "oh you don't mean that" he swears up and down to me he does, he convinces me he does, and says things like he's just not happy, would prefer to be alone, he can do better than me. He says childish mean things like "you don't benefit me". He seems unable to express to me what more he wants from me though. He never complains about anything I do, but isn't involved in anything I do either. On a good day he's happy and loving, but wknds especially he seems to just wake up sullen and mad at me. Trying to talk to him about why, makes him even angrier. He acts like he feels cornered then. His eyes dialate, his pitch and volume rises, and I can tell he's having a fight or flight reaction. It's a little scarey actually, and when he's like that he can't hear me anyway, so I back off then, but he just spews insults till he feels 'vented'. I've asked him point blank before, "what more do you want from me?". "Nothing" he says, "then what did I do wrong?" I ask.... "Everything" he says. It's so frustrating....... and honestly I'm scared to death he's going to leave me in a fit of anger, then be so immature as to let his pride stop him from coming back when he realizes it was a mistake.
Sometimes I can get thru to him, calm him down and point out all the good things in his life and he mellows, apologizes, says he didn't mean it, says he loves me then sorta acts like it never happened, and we can have a great day. He seems relieved I guess.
God knows we both have baggage, if he really loves me, I want to do everything in my power to fix whatever this problem is. If he really doesn't love me though, then I'm sad for him. I should let him go. Then again if he's wrong, and it's really just him, or something he's going thru and will get past, then I will have thrown my marriage, my love, my life, everything away for nothing. I'm so scared and confused.