am i possessive?

hurting2013April 15, 2013

I am an asian married to a brazilian for a year now. Recently ive noticed that he keeps on commenting to his sexy female facebook friends(he doesnt know them personally though) sexually rude things like humm very yummy,hummm pombuda(sexy butt),humm bucetao eu gosto(vagina i like),etc...aside from that i just read a recent message of him and a woman calling her babe and darling.I confronted him about this and told him please have some respect because he is a married man. but he got angry and told me im very possessive coz im controlling what he will write on fb...i told him theres no problem with commenting but be cautious with what u comment.He told me he is not my property and he can do whatever he wants.He told me too he is a man and he likes women. I told him yes he is a man but he is not single.He told me this is just normal in their country,but i talked to his nephews who are in a relationship,they told no they dont do what their uncle is doing...si i believe its not about the culture.I feel he has no respect for me and for our marriage.am i exaggerating?am i possessive?

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colleenoz

Whether it is cultural or whether it's just a sleezeball at work, your husband is not someone I'd care to be married to. I find it hard to believe there is a culture which condones married people making sexually explicit comments about others they are not married to. I'm not worried if my DH makes comments like "She's pretty", but if he started saying "Nice vagina" I'd be outta there faster than a speeding bullet.
And in a marriage "You're not the boss of me" only goes so far. Even if one partner is doing something perfectly OK, if it makes the other partner unhappy a committed person would just stop doing it. It's called "compromise".
In your shoes I would be getting an exit plan together.

    Bookmark   April 16, 2013 at 1:30AM
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mkroopy

It does not matter if it's accepted in his culture or not. The only thing that matters is that you find it offensive and inappropriate, he is married to you, not his "culture".

I am a white guy from the 'burbs of NYC, but I spend a good part of 5 years in a latin-american country for work when I was in my late 20s. He is right in that they are a much more openly flirtatious and sensual culture (I imagine Brazil would probably top the list), But also, and I am in no way passing judgement on this, just stating what I observed, I got to know many of the people I worked with down there very well in the 5 years I was there, and I can count on one hand (and have a couple fingers left over) the number of guys there that did not cheat on their wives. It was just sort of accepted, like it was no big deal. I was shocked by this. I mean sure people cheat on their spouses in every culture, but the % of men doing it (and I am talking about dozens of guys I got to know over the years, not just a couple), and how openly they talked about it. No big social stigma or anything.

All that being said, hearing him say "He told me he is not my property and he can do whatever he wants" would certainly open up my eyes if I were you. People who are in a marriage for the right reason (love, partnership, building a family, etc.) don't take that attitude. If his behaviors bother you, and in this case, I think you are completely right in feeling that way, he needs to address this. By him saying he is his own boss and can do what he wants, well that's a pretty immature view to have.

    Bookmark   April 16, 2013 at 12:03PM
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badgerella

Well, you know, that sword can cut both ways. If he's "not your property" then, logically, you're not "his property." You might want to point that out to him, although somehow I suspect that in this case, what's sauce for the goose will not be sauce for the gander.

And if there's to be no sauce for you, it's probably time for you to fly away.

    Bookmark   April 16, 2013 at 4:29PM
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popi_gw

If he is doing something that you have said bothers you a lot, and he keeps doing it.... he is not the sort of person that knows the word "compromise".

This would set off alarm bells for any future problems and how you deal with them together.

If it doesn't feel right to you - then it isn't right.

Tread carefully.

    Bookmark   April 18, 2013 at 2:13AM
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amyfiddler

You don't sound happy, and he doesn't sound committed or considerate.

That's all valuable information for you to consider, regardless of anyone's culture.

    Bookmark   April 21, 2013 at 8:05PM
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