I miss the old me........
Hi.I just need to vent. I have never been very socialable because I was always terribly shy. I never made friends easily and when I did they didn't last either it seemed because I wasn't from a wealthy family or I wasn't outgoing enough and it was the same with relationships with my first love which didn't happen until I was 20 and my first marriage at 22. My first "best friend" was at about 7 and we were neighbors and were always together playing.At around 10 a new girl moved into the neighborhood who was wealthy and "very" confident and I soon found myself kicked to the curb so to speak.And to add insult to injury my ex-friend and the new girl began to bully and insult me even at school where they soon had a large group that would wait for me to come out of the cafeteria( where I found myself sitting alone and was so uncomfortable that I just wanted to cry)and then they would say mean things and call me names. At some point I guess they got bored and stopped but not before my self esteem was damaged. From that point on I never felt secure with anyone. I was a wallflower through most of school suffered the occasional verbal attack from people that I guess thought it was cool to pick on those more insecure. I couldn't wait to get out of school. And I didn't realize that anyone to go to college I thought it was only for those who were wealthy so when my coounselor asked me if I was planing on going to college I said no.I didn't realize she was only trying to help me get the ball rolling and apply for scholarships but she didn't exactly explain it to me from what I remember. I was so shy that I didn't even take drivers ed. because I was afraid of making a mistake and having everyone laugh at me. So I didn't get my license until I was 18 and only at the insistence of my then boss so I could make deliveries at my pharmacy job. I have to say he really wanted good things for me. He and his wife were always trying to convince me to go to college. Oh how I wish I had listened.
I finally got my first car and began to spread my wings slowly and by the time I was 19 my confidence had improved somewhat but I was still a loner for the most part. I never felt that I was unattractive but I felt that my lack of confidence showed all over my face. I had always blushed so easily and I hated it because I could feel my ears getting hot and I knew my face was turning red,lol. Gradually as I got older and ventured out more and I think people thought I was more outgoing than I really was. I played the field here and there and had begun to date fairly often and because I felt I had so much time to make up for ( for some crazy reason I thought I had alot of catching up to do) and I did have several very nice young men persue me and if they made me feel they were getting too serious I panicked. I had some send me flowers to work and I didn't know what to do.One very sweet guy that was actually a groomsman in my brothers wedding had become someone that I regularly visited with in town and one night he asked me out but my mind was telling me that my brother would be upset if I dated one of his friends so I turned him down. I know that sounds so rediculous now but that was what I thought. I have regretted that so much over the years and I know he would have been such a good catch. Eventually I met my first "real" boyfriend and my first love. We would date for almost a yr and a half. We dated all summer in 1980 as he was getting ready to leave for college. He made me feel more special than I had ever felt in my life and I had no doubts that when he told me he loved me it was from the heart. We were unseperable except when we were working or he was away at school.And when he had to leave to go back we both would be in tears. When I was 20 I found out I was pregnant and I was terrified to tell my parents. I don't know why because they were wonderful parents and would have accepted this and been there for me but in my mind because I had been raised very "straight" and morally I told myself they would disown me. The real disappointment came when I told my boyfriend because I had no doubt that I would be a wonderful mother as I had grown up helping care for my older sisters babies. But his words were, " You know what we have to do don't you?" And my heart sank because I knew what he meant. To this day I do not know how I could have been so spineless. It was the last thing I wanted to do. My heart wanted him to ask me to marry him and I would have been thrilled because I so in love and mature and very capable of being a wife and mother. But he never even mentioned it. So I agreed. He took me out of town under the excuse that we were going shopping ( I can still see my Daddy's face as he told us to be careful). How heartbroken he would have been had he known what I was about to do. We had a date on the day I went back for my 6 week checkup and that night he broke up with me. I don't really remember my response but I do know I tried to hold my head up and move forward. I had one date afterward and when he heard about it he asked to meet me for lunch. I remember being very standoffish and wouldn't show any sign of still having feelings for him which I could tell was eating him up. I talked about maybe leaving town and moving out of state to live with my grandmother and possibly going to college. I never quite got the courage to do it though. Later he would ask me out again and again I was very cold. He would eventually ask if he could at least hold my hand. After we talked and he told me how much he had missed me and wanted to reconcile I agreed. We would date a few more months and because again I poured my heart and soul into the realtionship I was blind to the red flags and signals that others were seeing. I was so naive. Many nights I would call him and I was told by roommates that he was studying at the library. Eventually I did reach him and I was told that we needed to talk when he came home. As I tried to get him to tell me why he was very hesitant and I asked him if there was someone else. He told me he had met a girl but they were just friends. But finally I woke up and knew the truth. I screamed that I never wanted to see him again and hung up. As I was about to leave to drive to my sisters he called back and asked for me but I was distrought and just screamed that I never wanted to talk to him again. And I didn't for almost 30 yrs during which time he and his wife and children ( yes the same girl) would move back to town and open up a new business. I would occasionally run into him here and there and I would be so uncomfortable I could barely speak and that was all I would do was say hi if he spoke first. I have always tried to avoid places where I thought he might be.
Over the years I married my first husband who would turn out to be abusive and after endless attempts to make it work I finally found the courage to leave for good. A seond marriage only lasted 2 yrs but was a mistake from day one as I had gotten cold feet and should have called it off but..... I didn't.
I am now married to my third husband who is very kind and good. He works very hard and would do anything for anyone. I used to dream about my first love for years but they have all but stopped and when I do they aren't of a romantic nature but rather bitter. I do occasionally dream about my ex oddly and they have been known to be very not exactly romantic but more of a sexual nature. I don't know why.
Now fast forward and I am 50 yrs old and have been apparently going thru menopause for the past several yrs. I had my first cycle in November in almost 3 yrs. I am getting ready to have a partial hysterectomy and surgery to repair a stage 3 bladder prolapse next month in the meantime I have a young son (13 yrs) with special needs with a very complicated medical history that takes tons of meds and breathing treatments and has cogntive delays and is very attached to me and I am planning my daughters wedding in August. Prior to meeting my current husband I finally reached a point in my life where I felt good about myself,I had the best job I had ever had, mind you my daughter and I stuggled financially, but with Gods help we made it day to day. I was very proud of the fact that I had made as far as I had and I felt like a very good mother. But over the past 13 yrs the stress has zapped me of my self esteem. I haven't worked since my son was born and now with menopause I feel so out of shape and old frumpy. I am actually excited to get this surgery over with in the hope that I will feel some sort of relief because my lower backs aches constantly and my joints hurt. I'm hoping I will be able to get back to excercising and working in my yard like I used to. I apologize for the long post, I just had to get this out. Thanks.