The love of my life is getting married! HELP!

phoenixnphoenixApril 12, 2008

I know this title may throw a lot of you off, but before judgement is cast, please read about the situation. Once you've done so, please post a comment to give me much needed advice.

6 years ago, I met the most wonderful man I've ever known and immediately fell in love with him. For 2 years, our friendship grew into something deep and meaningful. Although we were close, we used to argue constantly over minor issues. I believe the arguments stemmed from us not saying how we really felt towards one another. It was apparent to everyone else, including ourselves that we had feelings for each other, but we never confirmed this to each other. Neither one of us wanted to take that step because we both worked together and we all know how that can end up. During the two year time frame, he and I never had sex, never kissed. We never sealed our bond with sexual intimacy. Well, I was planning to leave the company, and the worst happened. We got into a terrible fight and he told me to never speak to him again. Needless to say, I was crushed. The argument wasn't that serious for us to end our friendship over. However, I understood. We were always fighting and it became stressfull to remain friends. Well, 4 years passed and he held true to his word. He never spoke to me again. Well, a couple of months ago, I found out that he was recently engaged. So as a friend, I contacted him to extend congratulations. To my surprise, he responded to me. The next day, he contacted me and asked me when I was getting married. Since I am not in a relationship, I thought this was weird, so I called him. We ended up talking on the phone for about a good hour. I told him I didn't have plans to marry at this time because my focus was elsewhere and I also wasn't in a relationship. His response to me was that he always thought I'd make a wonderful wife and mother because I am very nurturing and caring. Then he suggested that we should meet to catch up. Being that we just did that on the phone, I was taken back, but reluctantly said ok. Well, we met recently and the night progressed into something we didn't plan. We met up for dinner, had drinks, and discussed the issues we had. I explained why I fought with him so much. I told him that I was in love with him then and I was still in love with him. He confirmed that he felt the same way. As far as what he feels now, that still remains the mystery. His response to me when I said that was, her father would kill me. Then he stated that he wasn't getting any younger and that he wanted to have children. Not that he loved his fiancand he is going to marry her. He then asked me if I was dating anyone and I said yes, but it isn't serious and he isn't the one for me. He asked why and I said because he's not you. As I was telling him about the guy I'm seeing, he cut me off and told me that he didn't want to me to talk about him anymore. During this time, he's playing with my hands and looking at me deeply into my eyes. When we left the diner, we sat outside on a bench because we weren't ready to drive. He then leaned over to me and kissed me passionately. Needless to say, we ended up back at his house and things got extremely hot and heavy. Though it was something I really wanted, my conscience kicked in and I ended up stopping it shy of us having intercourse (no oral sex either). He said to me then, if this is something you are going to regret in the morning, I would rather you not do it. I agreed and laid down on the couch with him. He kissed my forehead and started playing in my hair and rubbing my back. We both ended up falling asleep. I got up went home after that. That night, it was a though we never got into a fight. Things picked up right where we left off. Now, I am confused. The wedding is in October.

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

you have made it very clear to him that you want to be with him, so the ball is in his court.
If he really wanted to be with you he wouldnt care about what her father did,and as for the getting old bit and wanting kids,thats just an exuse.Tell him its either you or her,dont let him mess you about its not fair on his fiance or your the guy you are seeing.

    Bookmark   April 12, 2008 at 3:26PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Guys are so hard to figure out. Sadly, I bet he does love his fiance and, if push comes to shove, he will choose her over you. You were the past, she is his future. Granted, maybe he has already broke off the engagement and is planning on spending the rest of his life with you. But, that happy type ending usually only happens in movies.

The next time you talk to him, I'd ask him when he is breaking off his engagement. If he gives any answer other than he already did... or that he has a call in talk to her to tell her it's off, I'd go running for the door and never look back. It appears to me that he wants you to be mistress and will treat you as so as long as you allow it. Don't waste anyone's time or help break anyone's heart. Breakup with your current boyfriend if he's not enough for you and find someone who you can love who can give themselves to you completely.

But, please tell us if he has called off the engagement. I would love to hear a romantic ture love story ending for once on these boards.

    Bookmark   April 12, 2008 at 4:03PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

It sounds like the night went well but how long would it last? Would you start fighting again? The memories you have of the past with someone you loved they always seem rosy but when you stop and take inventory of the time you have with them (days not hours) you might find out, it is rosy now.

Also, if he is engaged and with what almost happened, could you really trust him? What if you were the person he was engaged to, how would you feel? I know I have had my trust broken and have trust issues but please think about it.

I doubt the future father in law would kill him, he just might thank you.

    Bookmark   April 12, 2008 at 4:18PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

oh boy...I understand how much you feel for this guy. And how tempted you are. I also applaud your stopping things when you did. I know your heart is hurting right now.

It sounds like you have a real connection with this guy, but here's someone who so far doesn't want to take the risk of putting his feelings out there. Also, the way you used to fight and the way he resolved those fights sends off some warning signals to me-- as in, he may not be ready to be fully committed to anyone. As tough as it is to love someone, it is even tougher to live with someone who won't work things out fairly with you. Please think about this long and hard. Marriage is so much like running a business or a team together. you've got to be able to communicate and resolve things. When you read these boards, you get a good sense of how painful it can be to live with someone who does not share your desire to work things out, reveal feelings, etc.

The only thing he can do at this point that would warrant your talking with him further is: he's ended things with his fiance, he wants you and always has, and he wants to move forward with you and only you. He should accompany this with some kind of explanation about how he ended up engaged to someone else if he loves you. I'm sorry this sounds so harsh, and I don't mean to come down on him. I just mean that you need clear answers from him if you're going to leave your heart out on the line like you have been. You need to assess the risk you are taking with loving this man.

Please take care of yourself and watch with your mind what he does. Your heart will tell you one thing (and so will his eyes), but your mind will notice what he does and does not do.

Good luck. I hope it turns out that he calls you and has ended things with his fiance and you two live happily ever after!

    Bookmark   April 12, 2008 at 6:13PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I understand how you feel. It does appear that you made overtures to a man whom you knew was engaged with a set wedding date. He very well may love you, but actions speak louder than words. Was the congratulations contact really a sincere contact? If he were to call off the wedding, would you fear that he would do the same to you? Could you trust him knowing that he was willing to sleep with you while engaged?

    Bookmark   April 12, 2008 at 9:25PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Read the post by Nurse Christine titled: In love with a man engaged to be married.

Well worth reading for someone in the same situation.

    Bookmark   April 12, 2008 at 11:42PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

At least in Phoenix's case, the relationship and spark were there before the engagement relationship --

I'm actually with Tracy on this one. A stand-up guy will know that it's an "either - or" situation, and that if he wants to be with you, that means breaking his engagement before 'exploring the possibility' with you. If he won't do that, then he isn't a 'stand up' guy and you don't want him. And if you permit anything less, then you'll deserve what you'll probably get.

Some guys (most?) want a 'last fling' before they settle down. And I think everyone has a closet 'what if' or 'one that got away' fantasy. If this guy doesn't call you, it's probably safe to assume that this is what you were to him.

    Bookmark   April 13, 2008 at 11:23AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Thank you all for your comments. I really appreciate them. Surprisingly, I am not hurt. I am more anxious. Of course I would prefer that I am the one he ultimately chooses, but if not, I will be ok. I went four long years without any communication, so I know I can move forward with my life. I would rather him be happy with her if I am truly not the one for him. The gentleman I am seeing isn't my boyfriend. We have a casual relationship. If I were committed to this young man, I would not have been in the situation above. My whole reason for going was to get closure and to tell him how I felt. I didn't want to go my entire life wondering what could have happened if he were aware of how I felt. When I sent him the message congratulating him on his engagement, I was extremely sincere. I never expected him to respond, let alone invite me to dinner. I also didn't meet with him to dissuade him to marry. I truly don't want to hurt his fiancé in the process either. I am not "that" woman. I wouldn't want anyone to do the same to me. At this time, I have not heard from him and this happened a week ago this past Friday. I won't be contacting him as I am sure he is confused and I don't want to be an intervention in a sacred union. I will definitely advise you guys on what transpires. I do believe in love and I know that GOD's will will be carried out. I just ask that you guys pray that he makes the best possible decision for him and if it isn't me, pray that my heart is healed and I am able to move on with my life.

    Bookmark   April 13, 2008 at 11:50AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Been there, done that a score of years ago. Dated him 8 years (off and on, more on than off) and never married him. Exactly the same. I never kissed him or more, but there was a connection. He broke it off with his fiance. And in the end, it was a personality flaw, that is, he was commitment-phobic (unable to commit to any one person). I stopped all contact and I am glad I did. I had been jerked around and was naive enough to believe him every time he came back. It was the leaving whenever it got too hot that made it wrong. A person like that is not good to have around in the long run. He's still crazy as a loon, but the farther I get away, the more I see how much better off I ended up. Best of luck, but realize, there's a reason for his shutting down when it gets too hot. It could go really deep.

    Bookmark   April 14, 2008 at 9:40AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Phoenix- When I read these words: "I do believe in love and I know that GOD's will will be carried out." I felt compelled to share some of my story, as I lived a very long time wondering about God's will.
I met "Dan" 26 years ago. I fell in love, and knew we were meant to be together. We weren't dating exclusively, but were very close. He went to school out of State, and we burned up the phone lines. We kept the post office afloat. He later discovered he had a child from a previous relationship. He married his son's mother, because it was "the right thing to do", despite many protests from many people- I was not one of them. I cried, I questioned God, I prayed...but that wedding still happened.
During the next 20 years,we would bump into each other,or talk when one of us was single/separated, but not the other.
I never wanted to be TOW as much for my own sake as for his and his wife's.And, since he had been the victim of adultery himself, he never wanted to be TOM.
About two months after my last relationship ended, I called Dan on his Birthday, left a voicemail, and left it at that. I knew he had been divorced for about 5 years, but did not know his dating status. He called me back, a day or two later, and once again, we talked for hours. We took my kids to a pizza/arcade restaurant, and talked some more. Over the next few months, I started praying even harder, asking God, "am I crazy?" Everyone warned me that I'd get my heart broken, again. I tried to break things off, over and over. It's too good to be true, blah.
Irony-Dan proposed to me on his eldest son's birthday. Shortly after, we were married, in the same church he had gotten married, and I had prayed and cried.
Dan is now my DH, and I love him more NOW. Neither of us would take away the blessings of our respective children,but I do wish there hadn't been so much heartache.I quit asking what might have been, and now say what will be, will be.
God's delays are not God's denials!

    Bookmark   April 16, 2008 at 12:00PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

hi, i am new here but going through a similar heartache. what ended up happening? did he break it off? it's so hard to find a story with a happy ending. searching for hope...

    Bookmark   January 26, 2014 at 2:27PM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
husband doesn't want sex.Can I hear from the men???
We are in our 40's.Both of us in good shape.We are...
Marriage lacks intimacy - I'm lonely, hurt and frustrated
Hi, I am really grateful for finding this forum. I...
My husband became cold, apathetic, after we came back from vacati
Me and my husband have been together for 13 years,...
34 weeks pregnant; so unhappy with husband
This will sound like a case of pregnancy woes..and...
I don't think my husband likes me anymore
When we first started dating he always wanted to be...
Sponsored Products
Slim Cone Brushed Nickel 2-Light Multi Pendant
Euro Style Lighting
Emmett Wall Clock
Grandin Road
Black One-Light 16-Inch High Outdoor Wall Lantern
$104.00 | Bellacor
Cloud Barstool
Italy Design
Invisible Chandelier by Castor
$18,000.00 | Lumens
Accent Rug: John Beige 2' x 3'
$58.97 | Home Depot
Master Mark Plastics Cedar Rhino Edge Landscape Edging - 1432-4172
$24.99 | Hayneedle
King Box Spring Cover 78" x 80" w/ 12" pocket
$344.00 | Horchow
People viewed this after searching for:
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™