Need help after wife's infidelity

sp1012April 11, 2013

Hello

I know there are lots of posts and advice posted regarding how to cop when your spouse cheats on you, but I would like to get advice on specific situation regarding me.

I actually do not know how to start but here it goes and will try to keep it to the point . we started dating in march 2005 and were really happy until I decided to go to University about 4 hours away to get higher education in 2009. We argues many times and seem like long distance was hurting this relationship. I came to see her every month as I was really busy with my projects. December 2009, I met some of her friends and we celebrated new years together. I noticed a strange change in her behavior in January and I asked what was wrong. After asking 100 times, she told me that she has made a mistake of sleeping with one the guy friends and she has feelings for him. I felt devastated and did not know what do for few months. We still talked even though she told me that this would not work out. After few months I came back and decided to give it one more chance as I still had feelings for her. We started again and felt like we were doing even better .. after a year in 2011 I decided that I want to spend rest of my life with her and she said and we got married. within 2 years of marriage we had difference of opinion and argued multiple times and i though it was fine. I did everything I could to make her happy. I sacrificed many times just so she does not much stress or she can do things she wants to do (e.g. travel, parties) , I am saying this from emotional support as well as financial point of view. A month ago, my friend who spends times with us told me that you and your wife need to talk about sometimes. I was confused and asked my wife directly to see what is going on. It turns out she slept wit her manager at work after 1 year of her cheating with the guy before. Again, I had to ask her 100 times to get the truth out of her. she had feelings for the second guy and slept 4 times before marriage and 3 times after. she kept crying and told me she is extremely sorry and she knows she has messed up really big and she wanted to stop everything tell me. I feel so much pain that it is not even pain anymore and she said she stopped in february of last year. I messaged the guys gf of now and she says she knows about it and she told me that the guy contacted my wife in nov 2012 and she talked really dirty and send him pic of her naked body. I was on a work trip during this week. she says nothing happen. I felt so angry that I slapped her. I realized that I should not have done that and I not an abusive person. After all this she still wants to work on this marriage and I do not know what to do. Yes, I do hold myself responsible for certain things as I got too busy with my career but still managed to spend time with her. she did talked to one of her friend who runs a dating company and she talked to me as well on what can be done. We both are from a really family oriented background and it would hurt both of families very much as they are involved so much in each other's lives. on the positive side, we do not have any children (thank god)

I know I prob have confused most of you but typing this was very painful. I have told her that you have broken the trust ones again and if there was still a chance to get back together it would take long time for me to get over this.

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LuAnn_in_PA

You said you seek advice, but I do not see a question in all that!

    Bookmark   April 11, 2013 at 1:48PM
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sp1012

would it be stupid of me to give her another chance if I see any change and/or effort from her to re build this relationship?

    Bookmark   April 11, 2013 at 2:48PM
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colleenoz

Um, IMO, yes, it would be stupid. She's already had quite a few chances and it still seems that whenever you go away, she can't help herself and hooks up with someone else. And then she lies to you about it. Then you suggest trying again, and she says she's really sorry and wants to stop, you give it another go and the whole cycle starts over again.
I would have hoped you'd thought you saw some change/effort on the previous occasions, and look how that turned out.

    Bookmark   April 12, 2013 at 12:27AM
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popi_gw

Seems like there is a pattern developing here, with your wife's behavior.

Do you think you can trust her ?

If you keep doing the same thing (staying in the relationship) and you keep getting the same outcome (she is not trustworthy) - it is like hitting your toe with a hammer and expecting a different outcome. Only a fool would do that !

It is tough facing up to things, but in the long run you will have valuable life experience which will make you a better person.

Think wisely my friend..

    Bookmark   April 12, 2013 at 1:01AM
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mkroopy

The only reason I would even for a minute consider staying in this relationship is if there were kids in the picture. You should consider yourself BLESSED that this is happening now, not after you have kids.

Trust me, I've been where you are, my ex-wife cheated on me two times, 3 yrs apart (we have two kids) The first time around, I tried to see it from her perspective, give her the benefit of the doubt, convince myself that I was partially responsible for driving her to do it, etc. We "worked on things" (I put it in quotes because I tried, she never really did, just went thru the motions) for a couple years, but I could tell her heart was never really into it. Then she did it again. We are now happily divorced, but I feel bad for my kids, I never wanted to raise them in a 50/50 custody situation...but it is what it is.

I would have NEVER even considered giving the relationship a chance the first time around if I didn't have kids with this woman. It was all the same stuff..lie lie lie, I had to drag every thing out of her...she never opened up, and I caught her in so many lies it was unreal.

Get out now. Sorry to say this, but "she's just not into you" apparently. Count your blessings that you are not bound to her (like I am) by children, you can just walk away and not turn around and move forward in your life. Don't become obsessed with getting revenge with her or anything like that. The best revenge is by going out and living life to it's fullest for yourself! And screw what your families think....you are a grown up, you don't need to worry about what they think.

Good luck. It sucks, I know, but I would have given anything to have this happen to me before I had kids, it's 1000 times worse when there are kids in the picture.

    Bookmark   April 12, 2013 at 3:12PM
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missnu01

I think she must enjoy your company and surely love you in some way, but perhaps she requires more than one person to meet her own needs. Maybe you should give it some thought, do you want to share this person with other people from time to time perhaps with some sort of rules and restrictions in place? Or would you rather dissolve this marriage and find someone that is happy with only you?

    Bookmark   April 13, 2013 at 2:02PM
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readinglady

There are marriages that have recovered from infidelity, but it requires 100% commitment from BOTH parties and intensive marriage counseling to get at the root of the problem. This is not a fix-it-yourself kind of problem.

Truthfully, I don't get the sense your marriage falls into the category above. You have fallen into a pattern of serial infidelity on the part of your spouse, beginning even before you were married, followed by reconciliation, followed by more infidelity . . . You get the picture.

I don't see that this is a person you could ever trust to be faithful.

    Bookmark   April 17, 2013 at 2:45AM
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worriedone

In my opinion, she has many issues. There is just something not quite right. Almost as if she is trying to hurt herself with the infidelities and choices of cheating on you. The work begins with her. She needs to find out why she is doing this - not only to you, her husband, but to herself as well. She knows full well she is ruining any trust in the future you will have in her. As if she doesn't feel she is worthy of a wonderful relationship with just one man.
You can try to remain with her - see if she will get the help. But it sounds as if you have been hurt too much to ever see past this.

Good luck to you and to her both. Do *not* let any family interfere with whatever decision you decide to make. Please. Use your heart, your soul and your head. Not your family's.

    Bookmark   April 18, 2013 at 2:31PM
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amyfiddler

Please address seriously the fact that you slapped a woman out of frustration.

    Bookmark   April 21, 2013 at 8:02PM
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Karen10125

First of all, I think she deserved to be slapped. But anyway, I didn't see where you said you loved her and wanted to spend the rest of your life with her. You need to first have that commitment from both of you or nothing else will matter.

    Bookmark   May 14, 2013 at 6:45AM
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amyfiddler

Karen, on behalf of everyone else out there, I will strongly disagree with your statement, that she deserved to be slapped. Perhaps this kind of reasoning works in Iraq but not in my country. The law will back me up on that - you hit, you go to jail, no amount of reasoning will work with officer handcuffs. To those who live on a higher standard than the law, hitting another human is unacceptable when there are many more adaptive and mature ways of dealing with total frustration.

    Bookmark   May 14, 2013 at 3:08PM
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Sketcher25

If this poster is still reading this thread...let me say whether its a wife cheating or a husband cheating...it devastates the non cheating spouse...mentally sets up trust issues...and that is where the foundation rots...

Those of you in your 2nd or 3rd decade of life....take advice from others....listen to it and ask yourself if you want to wonder whether random men will float in and out of the picture..

Giving breaks to this kind of person is not worth it..cut losses

    Bookmark   December 7, 2013 at 3:03PM
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Sketcher25

If this poster is still reading this thread...let me say whether its a wife cheating or a husband cheating...it devastates the non cheating spouse...mentally sets up trust issues...and that is where the foundation rots...

Those of you in your 2nd or 3rd decade of life....take advice from others....listen to it and ask yourself if you want to wonder whether random men will float in and out of the picture..

Giving breaks to this kind of person is not worth it..cut losses

    Bookmark   December 7, 2013 at 3:04PM
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