Please help me.

thistledew5750April 11, 2011

I am married to a man who at times drives me crazy. I have health problems now and can no longer work outside the home. He has full control of all monies because he is the only one that works. His 3 sister think he is adorable.(He is the only boy) Although they all three have been married 3X and one has been married 5x. His mother actually gave a big hoopla reception on his baby sisters 5th marriage. O.k. that is enough of that. Sorry to get off the subject.

Anyway he NEVER contributed to the house payments, car payments. I had an inheritance that paid for a nice home. I paid off my car within a year when I was working. He has run around on me 3x in our marriage. I am older now and I try to forgive him of past mistakes, but when he tries the martyr thing I get furious. I think of all that I put up with through the years I was raising the kids. When I say I, I mean I. He would go to work, come home and do his own thing. Oh, when he did do something with the kids it was always fun time. Never helped them with homework, discipline, or bought a stitch of clothing for them. He likes toys, from tractors, horses, but he is the only one that benefits from them. I mean who needs 3 tractors on 4 acres of land?

He went to counseling one time and the counselor diagnosed him as being narrcisstic. He denies to this day that he is like that. But from what I have read about narrcisstics he is.

He enjoys being the martyr. He says, "Boy, this ___cola sure has the fizz." I say, "I have noticed that, but that is why I like it." He gets huffy and says,"I was JUST making a statement." Let me ask you what is that all about? Can I not say anything without him turning it on me??? I mean this is like it is all the time. I think he would like for me to keep my mouth shut and obey him. I am so miserable but I have had 3 heart attacks, and have rhuematoid arthritis. There is no way out for me anymore. All my monies are in his name also, and so is this house, savings, etc. I cannot work outside the home. Oh Lord, I have tried, but I cannot. Please what is your thoughts on what I am writing.

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Thistledew, I sure wish there was something I could say to help you out. But I can't! Let's see ... how long have you put up with him? Sounds like a long time from what you've written. According to what you've said,

You inherited money; you paid for a nice home.
You paid off your car.
You allowed him to put the house, savings, and all assets in HIS name without your name on them.
He cheated on you 3 times (that you know of) and you continued to take him back and allowed him to do it again.
You raised the kids without any help from him.
He spends money on things you don't think are needed.
He's diagnosed narcissistic. Nice.
He is agrumentative and insulting.
You're miserable, you're unhealthy, you cannot work.
You're miserable.

My thoughts on what you wrote? What are you looking for us to say? Divorce him? I sure would. But I would've done it ages and ages ago. Do you have that in you now?

Not sure what you're looking for, unless it's sympathy. I do feel sorry for you, but that ship sailed years ago.


    Bookmark   April 11, 2011 at 3:28PM
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When I read the subject of your post, I get the impression that you are assuming the role of the victim, which is understandable given your state of mind and the current state of your health/finances. But you need to make the transition from the "I'm the victim" stance, to the mindset that you CAN take control of your situation. You need to focus on taking whatever steps necessary to improve YOUR happiness and YOUR health, and that is the only way your situation will ever improve. If nothing else, it will boost yourself confidence.

I'm not trying to condone arguing, but do you back down when he says those things to you? If he gets defensive and tells you he's "just making a statement" when you respond to him, tell him you were "just making a statement" too. Don't be the passive wife that you believe he wants you to be - obviously, you are not that person or you wouldn't be here asking for advice to begin with. When he respond that way, ask him what his interpretation is of what you said. Then tell him, in a matter of fact tone, your intention. If he argues, walk away. Establish yourself, but don't reciprocate and don't get upset.

Of course his sisters think he's adorable. Blood is thicker than water. His family probably puts him up on a pedestal. That doesn't mean you have to do that too. You are his wife, not his sister. The courts do not recognize a marriage between a husband, wife and the husband's family. These matters are between yourself and your husband, and what his family thinks has no relevance.

If he's a true narcissist, it will never change. You probably know that, but you have to accept it and either learn to live with it, or move on. I do not see this as a "no way out" situation. I see this as someone who needs a boost of confidence.

If it's your house, I don't understand why everything is in his name, nor should that really matter if you've vested your own money into it.

I get the impression that you need to be more assertive. You have regrets, which many of us do in various aspects of our life. But there are two buckets in life. You can either play the role of the victim, or you can stand up for yourself, and do something to change your situation. It's your choice.

I can't help but suspect that he MAY be the cause of some of your health problems??? It's a stressful environment to be in with someone you can't even communicate with, and to always be on the defensive. I'd be on edge if I were always "faulted" - I've had people like that in my life, and you can't win, you just have to walk away. People like that want to suck the life out of us, because they themselves are miserable. You can choose to surround yourself with people like that, or not.

You stated you are miserable, you have suffered heart attacks and you have arthritis. None of this means you have to subject yourself to this type of behavior. None of this means you don't have a choice. In fact, I'd guess that your health would improve if you weren't in this situation, and it is my impression that there is a lot of underlying frustrations and regrets on your part.

The best thing you can do is take control of this situation. Try not to stress about it, easier said than done I know, but sooner or later you have to learn that it's never going to change, and worrying about it is not going to change your situation, so focus that energy on something more positive in your life. Don't argue with him, but definitely stand up for yourself in a matter-of-fact tone. Establish boundaries, and let him know what is or isn't acceptable behavior, though my guess is it's too little too late for some of that now.

You already know what to expect from him (you will never change him), so why let it bother you? I went to counseling years earlier about "family" issues with a dysfunctional family that I'd get upset about when they'd behave a certain way. What I realized later on, and it seems quite obvious, is that if you know how they are going to act, and they do act that way, you already knew what to expect, why let it bother you? You have to accept that is the way are. You can't change that. I think some of us who grow up in dysfunctional families or around dysfunctional people, we go through life always thinking we have to be in "fix-it" mode, and when we can't "fix it" we feel like we failed. This is not a failure on your part, and it's not something you can "fix".

But you can change how YOU react to it. And that's what you need to focus on.

Ultimately, you need to decide for yourself what is best for YOU, and how YOU can improve YOUR life and YOUR health and YOUR happiness.

Forget the past. Get your ducks in a row - financial papers and whatever else you need to establish the assets you've acquired in this marriage. Talk to an attorney and find out what your options are, even if only for the information at this point - nobody has to know. It doesn't mean you are obligated to make any decisions today, tomorrow or next month. But it is nice to know that there ARE other options. I think that will help boost your confidence level.

With that said, I doubt you are in a situation where you will lose everthing if you decide to leave, but an attorney can give you proper direction and that is the best advice I can give and the course of action I would take next.

If you truly cannot work due to health reasons, you should be eligible for state or federal assisted aid.

When you say "there is no way out anymore" and asking others "please help me", you are (unknowingly) playing the role of the victim. Don't do that. Take control of your situation, and do what's best for you. There ARE options out there. We all have choices in life, no matter how difficult they may be.

You mentioned you raised children. Surely you will have family members there to be supportive of you, in any decision you make.

Most of all, focus on your health and take care of yourself. Take it day by day, and don't worry about things you have no control over. His narcissism is HIS handicap, not yours.

Good luck.

    Bookmark   April 11, 2011 at 7:39PM
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Thanks to the both of you. You are both right. I have been married 39 years to this man. I use to say I could not leave him because any kind of father was better than no father at all. My mom told it to me...I believed it. I probably do play the part of a victim, sometimes I feel so beaten down...words CAN HURT you. I came from a physcially abusive and verbally abusive family. I never knew it really back then, I just thought I was a pretty sorry kid. I am/was good a blocking things out of my mind when I do not want to see something bad that is happening. So, I went through this marriage and my career was my outlet. If it were not for my kids I would have been out in the beginning.

When my husband ran around on me it was because I did this or didn't do that, according to him. I was so damn stupid! I believed it all...hook, line and sinker. Gosh, it makes me sick to think how I tried to woo him back to me. Yes, you betcha I thought he would change. Nope, only got worse as the years went by. Regrets??? Yes, I have a, let me say I Have ALOT of regrets. Thanks so much for listening to me. This is the first time I have told anyone how I feel. I had a best friend in my 20's who once made the statement.."you must really love him, with all you put up with." I will never forget that statement. At the time I thought "she just sees him when he is in a bad mood, or something at work has pissed him off." I remember thinking that! I was very confused as to why she said that at the time. I don't know why at the time I did not question her further. Now, I look back and I think I must have the I.Q. of a doorknob to not see things clearly like I do now. Thanks for helping really did. I Will work on myself.

    Bookmark   April 11, 2011 at 11:33PM
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HI again, thistledew. I sure do feel for you. Is there any possibility that you can leave him? I know your health isn't good, but I'll be that the stress with him is making it worse. Could your kids help you out?

And, by the way, you don't have the IQ of a doorknob. Many things led you to put up with him - that has nothing to do with intelligence. And your mother's advice stunk - I know you realize that now. You don't need your husband for anything. You can do it - I'm sure of it.

My best to you.


    Bookmark   April 13, 2011 at 9:12AM
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