how to be treated 2

lizzie2April 30, 2007

DH came home early to go to his Mom's birthday parth and promised to leave early to go see a movie. Well by the time we got there the movie theater was closed. That was Saturday night.

Sunday I had a bridal party and got home by 5:00. He had a meeting at 6:30 and took the girls. They all came home by 8:00 and I thought that we would go see the movie, no he decided to work on this car project where he does not even have all the parts yet. He could not believe I thought that he would take me to a movie that night.

What would you all do? I mean this is supposed to be a chance to make things better after he had that emotional affair with the ex girl friend. He even told me last night I was just making him more willingly to go to her.

Am I being wrong? I feel like calling the attorney and draining the saving accounts and hiring him. I feel like all I am is a slave. He had the nerve to tell me I at least got to see my friends at the party. This was the first time we had all gotten together in over 3 years. I am just about to tear out my hair.


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"He even told me last night I was just making him more willingly to go to her."

So now he is threatening to cheat on you? What a jerk! Doesn't sound like he really cares if your marriage works or not. You shouldn't be the only one trying.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2007 at 12:47PM
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Combining this post and your other post... It does sound like he's insensitive to your feelings and not really trying to improve your marriage. On the other hand, you do sound like you might be a bit on the sensitive side and could be expecting him to 'read your mind' to some extent. (Not being there, it's hard to tell.)

I'm going to suggest you be very specific in what you request from him, and that you request it in concrete 'will you' not 'could you' terms. Not "It would be great if we could see a movie Saturday night. Could you try to get home kind of early from your mother's?" But rather "Will you take me to see 'Shrek 3' Saturday night? The last show starts at 9:00, so you'll need to be home from your mother's by 8:30. Will you do that?"

The difference is wiggle room. Hard to believe, but it's actually possible for an insensitive spouse to honestly believe that your Saturday movie plans were 'soft' and 'just didn't work out' (through no fault of his own yet), and to genuinely not know you would want to go Sunday instead. You need to remove his 'wiggle room' so you know for sure if he's 'dissing' you on purpose, or just because he's unusually dense.

I have a good friend whose husband falls into this 'unusually dense' category. He absolutely loves her to bits and would be lost without her -- but he has *no clue* what to do to show her. So over the years, she's developed what she calls her "gotta pee on your trees" philosophy. (No kidding) It's all about setting boundaries and staking out your territory. You spell it out crystal-clear what you want him to do so that there is just no room for excuses. Then if he does it, you reward him with thanks and whatever else he likes (wink, wink). If he doesn't, you (figuratively) rub his nose in dog poop. I couldn't live that way, but it sure works for them.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2007 at 2:12PM
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"He even told me last night I was just making him more willingly to go to her."

Oh man...if my husband had said this to me! Woo~I'd have told him to go to her than! Now! Get the He11 out of my sight!
He definitely should not be threatening you like that unless he is serious and gonna back up his words.
I'am so sorry I have no real good advice to give.If that had been me,I'd have packed his bags for him.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2007 at 3:15PM
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He was working on a project because that was a way to keep you from getting what you wanted.

"I was just making him more willingly to go to her."

same old passive/aggressive song:
it's all your fault.

If there's money in an account that you can access, by all means take it out:
When assets are "divided", it won't make any difference if you can't get them. If the court tells you that you've removed more than 1/2 of the assets of the marriage, you'll have to reimburse him.

I'd rather be on the "reimbursing" end than on the "waiting for this jerk to reimburse me" end (you'd never get your share).

& see that attorney.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2007 at 7:29PM
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I had originally defended Lizzie on the last post, but when this post came out, I thought, what is this woman complaining about. I decided to go back and read all posts from Lizzie to see if I could figure out what her story was.What I read has changed my opinion of the whole situation.

Lizzie has your husband told you lately that he loves you or even wants to try to work this marriage out? From your writings, it sounds to me like he's resigned himself to the fact that he's stuck. It doesnt sound like he wants to be there at all. What I hear in your writings is that you expect him to do things that you think he should do, but he has no interest in doing them because his heart isnt in it.

He went to file for divorce and his attorney turned down the case. Your husband didnt suddenly realize that he didnt want a divorce. I think you need to really look at whats going on here to see if you are expecting him to do things that people do in a marriage that they want to stay in. You have never mentioned that he even wants to be there or that you had any type of discussion with him about trying to save this marriage.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2007 at 9:20PM
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Linda117 Husband tells me that if he did not want to be here, he would not be here. He is going to counseling with me. The reason his attorney turned down the case is, according to him, the one I hired is one that drags out the case to increase his fees. The attorney for me is a well published one in my area and is recommended by many as the best.

If we were not trying to save the marriage, I would have left a long time ago. He tells me he loves me but the actions are not there except for when he wants something.

I agree he thinks he is stuck. There are men that he works with that are recently divorced and are paying huge alimony and child support. He has seen the flip side of this. The "lady" he was seeing is not divorcing her husband as far as I can tell, why would she as they have their home paid for, the vacation home paid for and he gets her a new car every few years.

We go to therapy next week again, if he has not taken up any of the ideas she gave him; I will ask her to help us change paths and separate and start working with the children. I cannot live like this anymore. My disease is worst and it is not worth ending up in a wheelchair for unless the therapist says otherwise for the sake of the children but I doubt she will.

I have taken the attorneys advice about "missing assets" but the hard thing is he has total control for the money I receive but I am allowed to do all the checking accounts. He really almost has my hands tied to only that account.

Thanks for caring.

    Bookmark   May 1, 2007 at 3:19AM
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