Broken Hearted

kevinbbApril 8, 2003

My high school sweetheart and wife of 24 years is showing signs of being bored with me and our marriage. Its been pretty much "just me" for her and I feel she is having thoughts of leaving me. I am very good to her, we have a great life and our kids or out of the house. We are in our mid 40's. She tells me she loves me but that she isn't happy. She keeps telling me "I don't know whats wrong" but that it isn't me thats causing her problems. She says she isn't having an affair but I asked her if she thinks about having a relationship with another man. She says she would never try to hurt me. I made my mind up a long time ago I want to spend the rest of my life with her but I don't think she has the same feelings. I feel like I'm an obsticle in her life but I can't imagine living without her. We are going to seek counseling but I hope thats not just a bandade to a forgone conclusion. I don't know what to think but of course I always think of the worse. I feel she wants to leave and start her life all over and I robbed her of her "dating years". She tells me she wants to "find herself" Thanks for listening and I'll keep an eye on the posts.

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I'm so sorry.But don't think the worst.All couples whohave been together this long go thru these kinds of things from what I've heard.It sounds like the feelings are still there on both sides but maybe just dulled in a sense.Have you tried doing something spontaneous?Like, I don't know,making plans for a weekend away and her not know and surprise her?Something to get that old spark smoking again?
You sound like a great guy and I'm sure this is just as frustrating for her.I hope the counseling helps.Hang in there, I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   April 8, 2003 at 11:20AM
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Yes, last year one her "issues" was that I'm to predictable and not spontanious enough. So I started a thing called "road trip" I will say "lets go" without telling her where we are going. We do weekend things all the time, the beach, out to dinner once a week. We recently returned from a anniversary weekend and I had a Vermont Teddy Bear sent to the room as a surprise when she walked in the door of the condo I rented for that weekend. We have a good sex life too and I try to keep things as lively as I can.I still have hope, and thanks so much for the quick response.

    Bookmark   April 8, 2003 at 11:31AM
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It sounds like you're working hard to improve the situation. Is your wife working at the marriage as hard as you are? Since she complained that you're predictable and since you've responded with some great solutions, it's fair to ask - what she's doing to keep things fresh and interesting? I guess I'm wondering whether she is doing more than complaining? Is it possible that you are doing too much?


    Bookmark   April 8, 2003 at 2:24PM
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Also consider she may be peri menopausal, which can cause symptoms very similar to depression, so she may need to discuss her feelings with her female doctor to get an objective assessment. The comment that jumps out at me is "She keeps telling me "I don't know whats wrong" but that it isn't me thats causing her problems. "

I wasnt menopausal but having hormone regulation problems that were causing similar issues to depression in my life. Thank goodness I had a good doc who screened me first for depression, then assessed other things and adjusted my hormones.

Just an idea. But when someone makes a comment like the one I quoted above, there are two things to note:
1) like the other poster said, don't worry just yet. AND
2) you can't fix it all on your own.

You sound like a special person. Just be there for her.

    Bookmark   April 8, 2003 at 4:07PM
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Kevin, she's in her mid-40s....whether you've been married 24 years or 24 months you need to stop "feeling" and start listening...i'm 44, peri-menopausal (darnit!) and started the the self-(re)discovery trip a few months ago which i'm LOVING and my darling hubby is reaping the rewards ;o) ...projecting YOUR feelings onto your wife is not going to help either one of you -- all you have to do is keep lovin' her, just listen (if she tells you it isn't you, it ISN'T), just BE there for her and stop worrying (it's annoying, trust me) best to both of you :o)

    Bookmark   April 9, 2003 at 2:48PM
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My first thought when I read that she said she doesn't know what's wrong with her was "depression".I have a fabulous husband who now takes very good care of me and loves me very much.

I went through a period of depression about 3 years ago. The way you described your wife described me PERFECTLY! However, I did come close to an affair, as my problem was self-esteem issues confirmed by emotional and physical rejection from my husband. As long as you are there for her and love her, then she should have no excuse to run around on you. However at her age we women start to feel "not sexy or attractive"...

I think she would benefit greatly from a trip to the MD, as well as the counselor alone.

Just keep loving her and stand behind her!


    Bookmark   April 10, 2003 at 12:42PM
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Just remember you can't make another person feel a certain way. It sounds like you are doing all you can, but it's a two way street. Sounds to me like it is an issue she needs to work out, and perhaps your counseling can do that.

Maybe the two of you could take up something new that you'd both enjoy like dancing, bowling or whatever to find something new and fun. Sometimes just a walk is nice too. I find the simple things are the things I enjoy the most. I agree with everyone too. Peri times are a tough time for us too!

Married 23 years

    Bookmark   April 10, 2003 at 2:46PM
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Keep in mind Kevin........You cannot make her happy....she has to find that by herself.....No matter what you isn't going to be enough...sometimes it is worse of try and solve her problems.....

    Bookmark   April 28, 2003 at 5:30PM
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I don't know that I agree with the above posts and that this is the "wife's problem." Granted, it is her problem now, but what triggered it? Kevin, you probably are a wonderful loving husband but how do we know that? I don't know anything about you or how much attention you pay to your wife (bring her flowers, etc.), how much respect you show to her, if you are abusive or been abusive, how much quality time you spend together, etc. Do you both work demanding jobs, different hours? Is she under a lot of pressure over a family problem? If she TRULY "doesn't know what's wrong with her", this is indeed how my husband's depression started. Does she seem down a lot (more than a few days), moody and withdrawn? Has she been sick lately and on any meds? You said the children weren't at home. Did one recently leave & maybe she is depressed over that? Have you had an affair and she can't get over that? I feel so sorry for both of you but I feel there are some facts missing. A long marriage is worth fighting for and both of you need to want that to make it work. You can't make someone stay in love with you, but you sure can try like hell & then you can say you gave it your all. If you want to email me, I will be glad to discuss further.


    Bookmark   June 1, 2003 at 11:11PM
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Kevin, after reading my msg. to you above, it sounded a little harsh. It's just when you don't know the entire story, it's difficult to give advice.

Could you please let us know how things are going?

    Bookmark   June 6, 2003 at 1:34AM
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Well I haven't posted in a while and I am surprised to see the concern with my problems by the replies. Thank you for that. I wish I could pass along some better news but my wife and I are just treading water. To be brief, I feel I'm am a model committed husband, loyal, don't smoke, no drugs,no alcohol in 10 years.I buy her flowers at least once a month unannounced and I do spontainious things frequently. Our kids are out and we planned having them out early to enjoy our mid life. My wife has been involved emotionally with another man that she can't access but it didn't stop there. She became emotionally involved with a married man that had problems of his own. It seems like she is trying to find Mr. Right but coming up empty. I'm very hurt inside but I told her I'm in this to the end. She says shes sorry and loves me but she needs time to sort out her feelings and doesn't know why she is acting this way. We want to go to counseling but we have limmited time and our son is in Iraq and that is throwing a wrench into everything because we are both worried sick. One more thing...she's always said our kids are her first priority in life, not me, and if I don't like that , I can leave. She's confused and I'm a tired love sick pup with the women I've been married to for 24 1/2 years and known for 30. Otherwise we have fun together, we cry together, we talk about everything, never fight and the sex is better now than it was 20 yrs ago. I know counseling is a must and so does she. She even offered a few phone numbers to call. Its just that with our son at war, we don't know if our minds and hearts will be on our marriage. Thanks again and I'll post any updates

    Bookmark   June 27, 2003 at 6:34PM
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I wish you the best of luck. I know that when my marriage ended a few years ago I was broken hearted. We both are happier now, but it was a tough decision to make to end it all. I hope that you can save what you have because 24 years is a long time to be together to just throw it all away. My parents have been married for 30 years this last week and just recently thought about divorce. Good Luck.

    Bookmark   June 30, 2003 at 6:52PM
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Kevin, I'd make sure my wife got a check-up, that includes having her hormones evaluated! She definitely sounds perimenopausal!!!!! We had good friends who divorced, the wife sounding a lot like yours. In a year, she wanted him back, but it was toooo late.

Get her to the dr!


    Bookmark   August 4, 2003 at 4:20PM
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I would suggest two or three things
1- get her to a doctor. Have her hormones checked out and see if she is menopausal or depressed.
2- go to counciling. I realize your son is in Iraq and this is scary. However, I'm sure he would rather have his parents working on their marriage here rather than worrying about him over there, particularly when you can't do anything about what is going on over there.

I would also suggest to consider this: in some ways it sounds like you are looking at this like you are this great guy that doesn't have any problems. I imagine many of your friends and relatives do the same. Good Kevin is this great guy.

I'm married to a man that everyone else says 'what a great guy'. My parents love him, my family love him, my friends think he's great. He can do no wrong. Where does that leave me? In the wrong.

Even if that isn't really true and that there can be two rights it is human nature to look for an opposite. So if you are truly the great guy you paint yourself to be, then maybe she's looking at herself and saying 'where do I fit in? Where does this leave me?'

Let me explain a bit further (I tend to post long sorry)-
When my husband does the dishes I hear from my mother "that John is such a good guy". But when I do the dishes nightly, I hear-- nothing. John is good with the kids, I'm their mother. John is a good dad, it's expected I'll be good with the kids, I'm around them all day and I know them. And so on.

I am not saying this is your case or not. I am just saying that this might be worth looking at (in counceling even) and realizing that maybe she's 'trying to find herself' because of this type of input from you and everyone around you.

Good luck.

    Bookmark   September 1, 2003 at 12:40AM
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Kevin, I JUST NOW am going thru this - broke up (his choice) after 16 years - (were not married, TG). The best advice I ever received was:

If you love someone, let them go - if they come back to you, they are yours. If they don't, they never were.

I recently heard a medical doctor talking about women and their hormone/vitamin/mineral deficienties, and how the lack of or too much of one or more can cause mood swings, depression, etc. I am sure this would also apply to men. He recommended that all women over 40 have a HAIR STRAND test done to determine if they need or have too much of these in their body. An over-abundance of COPPER was found in MANY women's systems, causing bad mood swings and emotional imbalances. When the level of copper was corrected, they behaved 'normally' (whatever 'normal' is). We are all victims of our environment - the soil we walk on, the water we use, the food we eat - these are just some thoughts. Please keep us informed of how you are doing.

    Bookmark   October 10, 2003 at 9:21AM
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It sounds as if she is restless. The children have been raised, and she simply feels empty. Is there anything she has always dreamed of, life focus kind of thing, that can make her feel "alive and excited and passionate" again, but not for another man, but a fresh interest? People can also find this in renewing their faith, and growing in their understanding of their beliefs. Could you learn or do some new things together, do think about new and fresh ideas. Find something that you are both passionate about and can share together. Restoring and old house making it historically correct or something?

    Bookmark   April 18, 2005 at 10:36PM
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Someone on another thread said ballroom dancing saved their marriage! A friend of mine was shocked when her parents bought matching Harley's and spent weekends with a huge group that would ride every weekend and go to eat together at different places. They also bought a convertible.

    Bookmark   April 19, 2005 at 5:45PM
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Big jump from Oct 03 to Apr 05...nothing in between? And how is everything going Kevinbb? Let us know.

    Bookmark   May 16, 2005 at 7:57AM
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