Who makes the final decisions in your home?

nadastimerApril 14, 2002

I'm kinda curious about this after I was watching my one good friend prepare to move in with her boyfriend of almost 5 years. Anyway, from what I'm finding out, they haven't been able to buy anything for the apartment without his approval. And last night I was helping her get her dishes and things in the kitchen cupboards. She wanted to show him where things were and he said he was busy, she could show him later. So then we leave to go to her house and get her things. When we get back he comes right out and says to her, "We DO NOT stack cups in this house. I am NOT getting out 3 cups just to get the one so I can get a drink." (So the like 20 cups they bought and we had all neatly put into one of those small cupboards close to the fridge, were now spread out to take up two large cupboards that are needed for food) There was some profanity in there, too, but you get the point. This really upset her because she just had an emotional ride from her childhood home. She's only lived in one house her whole life with the same bedroom so this is hard for her. Not to mention that her parents are against the move. I fear they're in for a lot of fighting because I think even down to the decorating, he will decide what goes and what doesn't. Now I'm kinda seeing why she told me she wasn't worried about curtains yet or throw rugs or any decor of any kind when I offered stuff I didn't want or need anymore.

So what do your husbands have a say in around the home? My fiance' doesn't give a care in the world really to what I do to our home. Now if he really doesn't like something, he'll speak up and tell me not to buy it or do it but I don't have to go through him before I can do anything. He also makes suggestions, like he'll buy something he really likes and I usually find a home for it once we get home. I guess even down to the bills, I make the decisions of which ones get paid and when. He doesn't want bothered with them. All the household bills are in my name so I can call about them and take care of things on my own. Plus, I'm a SAHM with no income so it helps with my credit to have things in my name. From what I'm hearing, my friend has nothing in her name in this apartment. I bet he'll throw this in her face that it's all in his name. I think they're doomed already and today is move-in day! I'm trying to be postive and tell her it will be fine. But I'm not so sure sometimes.

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I believe we both make about the same amount of decisions with respect to our kids, the house, money, ect... Some decisions are left up to me soly because, I handle that situation but, we do share the burden of all we have.

As for your friend.. she don't sound like she's going to have an easy go of it if, he's already getting upset about some CUPS that were not lined up right in a cabinet?? WOW..

It takes alot of patience to make a relationship go smooth, and without it, most people just end up breaking up, breaking eachother, or breaking the vows within no time..

    Bookmark   April 14, 2002 at 12:29PM
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I say that I make all of the decisions but I am sure that my DH would say he does.

I think if it is something major we both have a say in it but for the most part we probably do equal amounts. I usually ask for some input if it is something that affects him.

    Bookmark   April 14, 2002 at 2:46PM
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We both basically make the decisions in our house. It depends on what area it's in - most things with decorating or kitchen I don't even ask, unless I wanted to buy all new furniture or something! It's unfortunate that your friend's boyfriend sounds so controlling and you are just a bystander who can't really do anything. The most valuable thing I could ever have done for myself was live on my own before marriage - I had the freedom to put things where I wanted, be on my own, and live as I pleased. It established such a sense of independence. I often wonder if women (or men) who go straight from their parents house to married life (such as my mother did) are afraid of being on their own (although that's not always the case). I often wonder if my parents' marriage would have lasted longer had she been more independent, as she was very young and naive when she got married at 21.

    Bookmark   April 14, 2002 at 5:24PM
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I don't agree that you have to be on your own to get your own independance and grow and all that. I myself moved out at 18 and I've been with my fiance' for 4 years and we have a 3 year old. I didn't know how to much of anything when I moved in with him but I learned on my own cause I had to. With me, I learned more from mistakes I saw my parents do and I knew how I wanted to be and how I wanted our relationship to be.

I think the main problem with my friend is that they've both lived with they're parents up until this point (she's 20, he's 23) They've had some really hard times because her parents do not like him and all that. I also thought about it today and the poor guy had been laying carpet all day and working his butt off around the apartment. I think really he felt she hadn't done enough~she's lazy to a point. Like she refuses for now to have rugs or curtains or many decorations because she'll have to pick them up and clean under and around them. I think that will change over time. I also got some great advice from my MIL. She said she quickly learned that a marriage or relationship isn't always 50/50. It's more like 75/25 for most people and the sooner you realize that, the better off you are. Then you quit arguing over petty stuff like that the garbage is still in the house and you just take it out and forget about it. We'll see how it goes...


    Bookmark   April 14, 2002 at 6:18PM
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My DH and I are both pretty headstrong. We hash it out until one or the other comes around. We ultimately come together on a decision. However, my sweetie would not ever make such an issue of cups. I get the feeling that the person you refer to is very controlling.... hard to live with. Is your friend emotionally needy to accept that kind of personality? I guess there's someone for everyone - but I would tell that one to take a hike!!! If its behavior that she finds acceptable - so be it. This just proves that there is someone for everyone!!!

    Bookmark   April 14, 2002 at 9:40PM
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I had to ask my husband about this one - LOL! He shook his head and said, "well it depends on what it is." He's not the least bit controlling, but I can be about a few things. I do the research for things I want to buy and he'll check out the reviews for his stuff, but I guess we just naturally come to a final decision without much fuss.

    Bookmark   April 14, 2002 at 10:16PM
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My wife and I usually take charge of the things that each of us does best. For instance, she's a financial wizard so she takes the lead on the financial decisions. She's also a type A dreamer and likes to think big. I don't necessarily stiffle her ambitions, I just sometimes have to keep her from dropping off into the deep end. The things I act on are usually logistical. Denise will come to me and say, "Let's do this" or "What about this"? And then I give a yea of nay depending on the logistics of the matter.

In my house SHE drives the train. I just keep the speed in check.

    Bookmark   April 15, 2002 at 8:31AM
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Oh I forgot to say one more thing. I've always heard that marriages and relationships are supposed to be 50/50 to work. 50 and 50 are a hundred right? Well, after thinking about it I've found that that ratio is a little askew. I think for any relationship to work it has to be a 200% endeavor; either party making a 100% effort toward the success of the relationship. As soon as either person stops giving 100% it becomes a give/take situation and then things start to get all oafed up.

    Bookmark   April 15, 2002 at 8:42AM
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That's great that you feel it's more like you give 100% but I know many couples where that is not the case. Like take a look at my grandmothers~they have to do a heck of a lot for my grandfathers. They're practically helpless without them. Or my MIL, she works and comes home to a empty house most of the time because FIL drives truck and is in and out on the weekends. When he is home, he does practically nothing around the house. He sits in his chair and that's about it. So there, it's not 100% or even 50/50. I think what MIL was trying to get across was that one of you will be working harder than the other most times and most likely it's the woman. That's just the facts and hopefully it will change. My fiance' does help out around the hous and with our son, but I still do the bulk of the house work around here and other things. He only has a few jobs that he does on a regular basis.

Anyway, once my friend realizes that sometimes she's going to have to take out the garbage and sometimes she's got to do lots of crap that she hates, she'll be better off. Like she told all of us that she has cleaning stuff so whenever we're ready to help out and do it. And I said we have our own places to clean. I think she has a LOT to learn really and so does he. We went to the store last night to grab something for them to eat quick and half the stuff she didnt' want to get because well, for example, you can't get Steak Um's because she has to have lettuce and cheese and mayo on them. I told her that will change when the money is low and you don't have lettuce or it's too expensive. Then she decides on a hoagie and she has no clue what kind her bf likes! I mean they've been seeing each other for almost 5 years and she doesn't know what kind of hoagies he'll eat? Man I knew that about my fiance' within a few months after dating. I just said to my fiance' when we got in the car that all they've been doing all these years is dating and man they have a lot to learn about one another. This is the time for the truth to come out!


    Bookmark   April 15, 2002 at 9:16AM
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I think you need to let your friend know that this is a very bad sign in a mate and that the sooner she moves back home, the better. This sounds like such an immature control freak! It also sounds like he's going to do nothing but put her down and if she's easy going, it won't be long till he's slapping her around. What you wrote gives me very bad vibes. She needs to know it's OK to quit this relationship.

    Bookmark   April 20, 2002 at 8:38PM
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We have always made decisions together. Before we buy anything big we sit down and discuss whether we can afford to or not.

    Bookmark   April 21, 2002 at 11:45PM
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Just a little update....

Things are much better between my friend and her boyfriend. We've determined he was under a LOT of stress that week and it had to do with a lot more than just moving. They're working things out and getting along. I'm happy for them. I just know they have a ton to learn about each other because they seemed to not take the time to learn the little pidly stuff you pick up about each other while dating and things. I don't know if they ever just chat about crap like my fiance' and I do or not.

I also have to say that the suggestion of HelenofMichigan would not have helped. I've gotten to the point in my life where I know telling someone what to do, especially during a major life changing event like this, will do me no good. This same friend's mother used to ask why on earth I couldn't convince her daughter to leave this guy (she never gave him a chance). The answer is, it's her life, I'm just here to be there for her when she needs someone to lean on and to answer questions if I can. I can't MAKE her do anything! She will learn on her own. She's very headstrong about things and me telling her to run back home would probably have cause major problems with our friendship and we're trying to patch over some stuff that happened before. People learn lessons by doing in most cases. I've been telling her all along while people are trying to break her and this guy up that if they were meant to be together, they will be. If something happens and they decide it's not working she will understand and be able to move on a lot easier than just because she did something because someone told her to. I wish them the best of luck really and I see some major improvements on both they're part that I didn't see months ago.


    Bookmark   April 22, 2002 at 9:09AM
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My response did jump the gun a bit. I guess I agree only with my last statement(letting her know it's ok to quit the relationship) rather than telling her to move back home. The first posting did make him seem much worse than what you found him to be later on. Glad they are getting on better.

    Bookmark   April 22, 2002 at 9:35AM
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iam the king,the boss,the head honcho! i make all the decisions! right after i check with my wife to see if its ok. hahahaha

    Bookmark   April 22, 2002 at 8:14PM
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That reminds me of a funny song I once heard on the radio that was along those lines. I wish I could remember some of the words.

    Bookmark   April 22, 2002 at 8:56PM
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Bill... ROTFL... Isn't that the way it "really" is?? lol

    Bookmark   April 23, 2002 at 12:01AM
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ROTFL! bill h are you sure you're not my bill c? LOL!

it's pretty much 50/50 in our house altho sometimes i make him work for it ;o)

    Bookmark   April 23, 2002 at 3:13PM
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I do, as I weigh the pros and cons to help with my decision. Then I discuss it with DH, ask if he has any other thoughts on it...he usually says I've covered it all, and he agrees with me.

    Bookmark   July 7, 2002 at 2:23AM
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when hes trying to decide hell ask my opinion but Most of the time mine doesnt matter.

    Bookmark   August 11, 2002 at 4:50PM
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If I ever asked my husband his opinion how to stack cups in our cabinet he would look at me like I lost my mind. LOL Needless to say he only wants in on the very very important decisions.

    Bookmark   August 19, 2002 at 12:43PM
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We are a team. The only thing I buy without consulting him is my computer equipment, I buy it with money from my ebay sales. Everything else we discuss. There are very few decisions we disagree on. I take care of the money, he doesn't write checks, so no problem there.

    Bookmark   October 2, 2002 at 11:59PM
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