What if?

vicki_IndianaApril 1, 2002

Alot of talk about cheating yet, we don't stop and think about the aspect of "why" some cheat? It's not as black and white as some would have it, or some would like it to be.

People cheat for many reasons but, being neglected, or being taken advantage of is one of the biggest reasons according to statisics. IF, you have children, lets say, and you are in a marriage such as this, many people feel the need to stay together for the children's sake and don't want to mess up the family until they have grown up.

If either one of you is taking the other for granted, and ignoring their spouse, sooner or later, this is going to cross your mind. Everyone wants to be loved, and treated with the same respect so, when that stops, so does the communication, and the love.

So, What IF he/she never paid you any attention, and nomatter what you did, or said, that didn't change..

AND, divorce didn't seem to be an option? What would you do??

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Mausie

Why would divorce not be an option? It is always an option, though often a bad one. If you absolutely cannot change the situation, and are not willing to just "suck it up," then just leave. I don't think there is EVER an excuse for being unfaithful (which doesn't mean that people are not human, and make mistakes, which can be forgiven. But it IS a mistake, no matter what!)

    Bookmark   April 1, 2002 at 11:21AM
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mary_md7

I have to agree that there is NEVER an excuse for being unfaithful. Taking those vows in an adult choice, hopefully made with some responsible thought. There's no excuse for breaking them. If something is wrong in the marriage you address it, you don't cheat as a way of dealing with a problem.

    Bookmark   April 1, 2002 at 12:53PM
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trekaren

When I got married, I chose to marry with Divorce and Adultery neither being options.

If you start out, mentally open-minded about those two as options, then when the road gets rough, you are more likely to bail with one of those options.

Marriage is going to have peaks and valleys. Weathering the tough times is part of the deal (unless you are referring to the "three A's" - adultery on the spouse's part, addiction or abuse).

Outside of the big A's, marriage is all about overcoming things like communication gaps, spells of perceived neglect or being taken for granted. Don't just live with these things, deal with them, fix them, go to counseling, or at the very least, TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE ABOUT IT. Why should cheating come before working it out?

No one promised me that my marriage would be a never-ending Romance story. While that would be nice, it just isn't reality for many marriages. And what makes you think 'the other significant other' is going to do a better job of being attentive?

"What IF he/she never paid you any attention, and nomatter what you did, or said, that didn't change"

Hmmm... the issue is, the person feels they are not being paid attention to? And nothing could change that? If they truly had tried everything, then divorce is the option. How could cheating fix it, or how could the person not getting attention think that SO#2 is going to magically pay them the attention they think they deserve?

But *if* a marriage had gotten to the point quoted above, there is something bigger going on than one person simply not paying attention to the other person.

Cheating:
The BEST way it could end:
The marriage remains, the cheating continues with the person keeping a mistress/other man basically forever. (but how would SO#2 be feeling at this point - maybe used?)

The WORST way it could end:
Spouse finding out, ugly divorce, custody battles maybe being lost due to adultery being in the picture, lots of hurt on the part of both spouses. Hurt on the part of the person who was being cheated with - and will the mistress/other man stick by you during this?

Ok, sorry to have written a novel. But in a nutshell, is cheating the answer/solution to being neglected? NO.

    Bookmark   April 1, 2002 at 1:28PM
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jcorn59483

Think of it this way. What kind of attention does a cheating person really get and will it ever be totally satisfying? I doubt that it will often be equal to or better than being in an open, committed, honest relationship. Yes, some needs may be met for attention and sexual variety but just as often these relationships end in heartbreak and pain because one or both of the partners fall in love or decide to break it off.

    Bookmark   April 1, 2002 at 6:38PM
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vicki_Indiana

Well, I certainly appreciate the answers here and they "all" do make sense. There isn't ever a good reason to cheat but, it does happen none the less.

I know a few people who got into their 2nd marriages that way. First they cheated, and then, they divorced and that was how they had the courage to leave their spouses who were not very good to them.

I agree with most of you that It's not the way to go and I wouldn't do it that way either but, I "can" see why, or how it would happen that way. Many people are afraid to leave their lives and start over nomatter HOW bad it is.. Think of how many women stay married, even when abuse is happening???? People are just human...

    Bookmark   April 1, 2002 at 10:34PM
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RosieL

There are other ways to fill a void in your life without resorting to this type of behavior. Realizing that others may be worse of than you is a great reality check. Helping those people will give you self esteem that you never dreamed of. We didn't get married to have our egos stroked every minute and sometimes showing love - is the first step in the right direction. If someone is abusive - it is never right to stay. It does not help the children to grow up seeing a weak parent being belittled by a bully. Not a good life lesson. I could never imagine what on earth would make me do something so low and vile. There are other alternatives to dropping my drawers. I am worth much more than a roll in the sack. I guess maybe I have a very strong sense of who I am, what my beliefs are and that I am loved.... not just by my DH, but family and friends all around. You can't solve a problem by creating others.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2002 at 5:03AM
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SheliaNC

IMHO there is never a good reason to cheat on your spouse. You always have the option of divorce. If anyone thinks they are doing the kids a favor by staying in a loveless marriage they are very wrong. As the kids get older they will pick up on all of the tension between Mom and Dad.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2002 at 11:53PM
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