i need some advice, i made a mistake

joseydApril 30, 2008

ok, here is what happen in a short version.

my husband and i have been having alot of problems and struggling the last few years. he has made alot of comments about my weight (i was really thin when we got married 7 years ago) i am not chuby, just bigger than i was. he has made it so obvious that his kids and my kids have told him to stop it. over a month ago, he sat me down and said: you know, you need to get your weight under control." well, this really distroyed me...i work out as much as i can and i am trying, but i have felt unsexy and ugly for the last 2 years of our marriage. he also spends alot of time (weekends) going away with his friends.

so, i was signing a single friend up with a dating site on the internet and she made a comment.."why don't you send your picture out there and see what happens" well...i knew that was inappropriate, but i thought it harmless and it would be nice to see what strangers thought of my physical appearance...well, i got alot of "you are so sexy" , you are so beatuful" comments...then i started chating on line...just goofing around..using my friends email....i thought this alot safer than going out to a bar..i don't want to cheat, but i was so down on myself and disgusted because of what my husband had said to me. well, he was never a trusting soul..and put a babysitter type software on our server and saw everything i said and all the pics that were sent.

i told him the truth about everything...he new what bothered me, i have told him over and over, but now...he just wants to hold it over my head....

by the way, this was helping my ego and my husband and i were getting along much better because i felt better about myself...even though the means were inappropriate.

any advice would be nice

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I think you were fishing for compliments because your husband is a class A jerk. Doing it on a dating website was stupid (what if someone either of you knew saw it?), but I'm sure you know that. But I am also wondering why he is putting babysitter software on your computer without telling you. I think you and your husband need counseling. Why is he going away every weekend?

    Bookmark   April 30, 2008 at 9:26AM
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If your husband hadnt made you feel so ugly and unsexy you wouldnt of needed to look to see if other men found you attractive.he really is a heartless jerk.I think he is so untrusting because he cant be trusted himself .Id bet my life on that he has one night stands everytime he goes away.Icertainly wouldnt put up with my partner goin away most weekends.You need to put your foot down .

    Bookmark   April 30, 2008 at 10:09AM
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I too wonder why in the first place your husband had that software installed on the computer.

Why is he going away on weekends.

I don't know. It seems to me your husband is finding faults with you because he may be at fault and not being honest with you.

Go girl. My mom always said if a woman looks elsewhere, it's because she is not happy at home. Deep down in your heart i think you know your husband is not right here and you did what you did because you are a human being and if hubby has the nerves to sit you down and tell you you have to get your weight under control » when in fact you say you are doing things to become healthier, well..... why don't you ask him to sit down and tell him he better get his head back into control and stop being so selfish. And whatever you do about your weight, don't do it for HIM. Do it for you!

Go girl. Seize the day!

    Bookmark   April 30, 2008 at 10:14AM
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Yep! He's pointing the finger at you and three fingers are pointing back at him. I think he is trying to keep you on the defensive so you don't focus on what he is doing.

P.S.Is he going bald? Have any love handles? Bad breath?Snoring? Stinky feet? Tell him about it every time he brings up your "weight"..

    Bookmark   April 30, 2008 at 12:59PM
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It was deliberately cruel and hurtful of him to bring up your weight -- *particularly* if you're at a healthy weight and/or trying to lose weight. He knew he was being hurtful, but chose to do it anyway - don't kid yourself about that. If even his kids told him to stop it -- then you know he was over-the-top with his comments.

And his tracking of your computer activity is also a problem. Not to excuse your chatting (though believe me, I can understand completely why you were motivated to do it) but for him to put spy software on your computer points to a suspicious mind, and probably also to a guilty conscience, a controlling personality, or most likely, both.

I totally agree with the recommendation for counseling. And if he won't go, go alone. This man is deliberately hurting and belittling you, and you have a lot to figure out:
- Why he's doing it.
- If he can or will change.
- If you can or want to put up with it.
- And if so, how you can defend yourself; and
- If not, what to do about it.

My first husband was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and his behavior was much like you describe your husband's to be. Don't know if the shoe fits or not, but it's a question to consider...

    Bookmark   April 30, 2008 at 2:28PM
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Your husband sounds like a class A a-hole. But, I have to scold you for what you've done too. No married person should be chatting on a single site with guys no matter how bad their spouse makes them feel. This is the type of thing that can lead to an internet type of affair. It sounds like you were using the guys for emotionally intimacy which you are not getting from your husband which could be construed as an emotional affair of sorts. You can't down play you your part in this mess. Seriously, if he had been doing the same thing, would/could you even believe him? I would think your husband may have some serious doubts about your story. You broke the marriage trust...so he's entitled not to let it drop so easily, IMHO. Two wrongs don't make a right.

Anyway, back to the problem at hand of a marriage that makes you seek out comfort online. Is the weight thing the only thing he seems to have a problem with or critizes you about? Some guys just really have a problem with over weight women. Not that it's right, but it's a fact of life.

If he is condescending and controlling in other aspects of life, I'd too worry about him having NPD. I'm not sure the babysitting computer program thing can account for that much if you have kids. He may have seriously been using it for them and found your stuff.

A word to the wise about counseling with a spouse with Narcisstic Personality Disorder. It will probably drive you crazy and may get you nowhere but frustrated fast. I don't want to advise against counseling without knowing what your husband's problems are but if he's got NPD and the counselor doesn't specialize in it, seriously you are in for a bad ride. Problem is, counseling and such require honesty and compromise but with a Narc. you will get lies and he will be given even more control with the compromises you will be asked to make. If he''s got NPD, you need to take more control, not give any more. He will twist around what you say and "abuse" you even during the sessions. Sadly, many counselors won't catch it and conclude many of the marraige problems are you fault because he will be better at complaining about them and you will have been so emotionally beat up, that you will feel insecure and just accept that much is your fault. It's a bad situation to be in.

Look up "verbally abusive relationships". Remember no one is perfect and everyone can say a mean thing, be controlling or call someone a name from time to time. But it may give you something to consider. Most real abusers will abuse across the board in almost every aspect of your life. It won't just be about your weight or controlling where you eat for dinner or putting spy wear on. See if your husband seems to fit the bill across the board.

If your husband has NPD it is something he needs to see a therapist or doctor about by himself to work on before marriage counseling is even considered. You will not be able to work on your marriage until he understands and is willing to work on his personal problem first. Just be careful with counseling.

sweeby, just wondering, did you try counsling with your Ex. If you did, how did it go for you?

    Bookmark   April 30, 2008 at 6:42PM
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my husband put the spy ware on to monitor our kids...which is fine...but he told me he had been watching for for 3 weeks...and yes, shame on me for even going there...it was just a joke to me seriously and made me feel better about my looks . yes it was so very stupid, i admit and i feel really bad about this, but at the same time i have alot of anger about him spying on me. i really don't care that he found out..i'm not hiding anything...i am fine with that...really i am...but the spying thing really gets to me. he is gone alot of weekends with his guy friends for different activities...video game get togather, he went and helped with his police friends for some fundraiser...but you know...they drink and go out to dinner. i really don't have alot of problem with this if we saw each other more often, but we don't. I feel really bad for my part in this...i have never been unfaithful to him..ever.

    Bookmark   May 1, 2008 at 4:56AM
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Josey - Do you think he'd agree to go with you for counseling? Because I think it could really help -- and you two have got some issues to work through.

Carla - I could see how a therapist who didn't know much about NPD could be fooled by a narcissist, and if that were the case, then I could see how counseling might be very frustrating. Narcs can be very persuasive and convincing, but they also disintegrate pretty quickly when confronted with 'proof' that they were wrong about something. It's reasonable for a therapist to suggest both parties compromise -- but she should then realize pretty quickly if one party's idea of a compromise is always "We'll compromise and do it my way." IMO, any therapist worth her salt should be able to spot NPD tendencies after a few sessions if the other spouse is willing to stand up for herself in the therapy session and tell things from her perspective.

And that is just how it played out in my case. In my case, therapy saved my sanity by validating my own beliefs that had been so badly shaken by ten years of marriage to a narc. My situation was a little different from Josey's in that I was the one with the laundry list of complaints. I thought it was only one or two real issues, and didn't realize just how long my 'list' was until we actually got into therapy and I started talking. (Ranting?) Fortunately for me, the therapist we worked with taught us early on to use "I feel" statements with specific examples -- so when incident after incident started tumbling out (each more ridiculous than the next), her diagnosis was pretty easy.

But we're getting off track -- Back to Josey's issue --

Josey - Is your real question how to get your marriage back on track and get him to trust you again? Or do you agree that there are deeper issues that need to be explored?

    Bookmark   May 1, 2008 at 9:12AM
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sweeby, I'm glad it worked for you personally. Sounds like you probably had better self-esteem than most battered wives. I still think counseling on your own would have been a better choice. The problem I see is that a typical marriage counselor can't really diagnosis NPD and what does she do if she does suspect it?

It's like going into counseling with a spouse who has undiagnosised Bipolar disorder. It generally will just frustrate you. The disorder needs to be diagnosed and dealt with separately first and not by a marriage counselor, IMHO. So, I take counseling made you open your eyes and see things as they were, but it didn't really help him, your relationship together or the marriage.

If the poster does suspect verbal abuse or NPD, here's a book By Patricia Evans on the subject that may be useful. It's generally the main book/bible out there on the subject. Patricia's not too big into couples marriage couseling either. So, just be careful if you do try it. Or, consider going by yourself. Let's just say, sweeby has more faith in marriage counselors than I do - If it does backfire, you can be really messed up.

    Bookmark   May 1, 2008 at 10:13AM
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"Sounds like you probably had better self-esteem than most battered wives. I still think counseling on your own would have been a better choice."
Better self-esteem?! I can see why you'd think it now. But trust me, then things were very, very different... I've been 'out' for 15 years, and have done a lot of healing since then.

And I have to respectfully disagree about counselling on my own. From my experience, THAT would have been what frustrated me and drove me over the edge, because none of what a counsellor would have suggested would have worked at all. I could have changed this, that and the other thing, but he would never have reacted to MY changes because he was entirely driven by his own needs. Really, it was only by having her see him that she could actually see how he acted and how he operated.

Now just to clarify -- After a few sessions that Ex and I both attended, the counsellor did split us up for a few sessions and sent Ex to work individually with her partner. That's when he was diagnosed.

Your point about "Was counselling good for the marriage?" is a good one. In fact, Ex blames counselling for ending our marriage -- and to a degree, he's right about that. As long as everything was 'my fault' and 'I was lucky to be married to him' - then the marriage didn't end. But once I realized I wasn't always wrong and that he actually was defective (and yes, that's how I think of it now -- sorry if it isn't PC) - THEN I had the reason I needed to end the marriage.

    Bookmark   May 1, 2008 at 12:19PM
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He claims he was checking on the children...but he didn't let you know?

This guy's a manipulator, & he's likely seeing another woman.

Normal men don't leave their wives at home every week-end;
his group of pals may be doing some things together, but not every week-end.

Get checked for STDs, including AIDS, right away, & practice safe sex if you have to have sex with him.

    Bookmark   May 1, 2008 at 3:22PM
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my X used to tell me a lot about my weight after my baby was born. I was skinny, I mean not just "not fat" but plain skinny. I look at my pics now of that time, how dare someone even say anything about my weight then. he made me feel like crap and I was nursing a baby. i of course am not married to him anymore and it was like 20 years ago, but I still remember it and it still hurts as i think of it. i don't let anyone to say anything about my weight anymore.

maybe going on dating sites is stupid but it sure not stupid to look for someone else if your husband is a moron. leave him and go look for a decent person. and i bet you he is the one who cheats.

    Bookmark   May 1, 2008 at 3:51PM
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"i admit and i feel really bad about this,"

Yes you did the wrong thing. But don't forget that your DH is doing wrong things.

Preferring to spend his time with friends, rather than his family. That's not right, is it ?

I am concerned that you, Jonesy, are carrying all the guilt in this relationship, perhaps even blaming yourself for the way things are. Your husband is doing that now, he has "ammunition" to use against you, to hold over you. He knows you feel bad about what you did, as a decent person would, but don't carry guilt for HIS misdemeanors.

Try to assess the situation objectively, a counsellor would be able to do this with you. Sometimes we are so bogged down with what goes on in our marriage, its really hard to see what is right and what is wrong.


    Bookmark   May 1, 2008 at 6:10PM
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i knew he had the spy ware on for the kids. and yes he has done alot of inappropriate things according to me, like we were at the lake one year with his kids and he was just guaking at women to were his own daughter was embarrased for me...but he thinks he wasn't and he said that he is not gay and he will look...i don't mind him looking, it was the guaking...and then early on in our marraige he looked at alot of porn on his computer which bothered me...i finally stoped looking on his computer..so i really don't know what he does anymore...right now he is acting like nothing happened...which is fine i guess...but the minute i bring something negative up...i am blasted about what i did...

    Bookmark   May 2, 2008 at 6:54AM
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I wouldnt feel guilty in the slightest,in fact I would carry on talking to your new friends,who were making you feel good about yourself.If your husband can look,then so can you,hes a cheeky so and so .stop beating yourself up about it.hes in the wrong.

    Bookmark   May 2, 2008 at 8:56AM
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divorce him. doesn't sound like a good marriage.

    Bookmark   May 2, 2008 at 8:58AM
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Advising divorce based on one side of a story? Wow.

    Bookmark   May 2, 2008 at 11:36AM
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All I can say is that if I found out that my husband had posted his photos and a profile on an internet dating site, it would be a very, very big deal to me. It would be an even bigger deal if I knew that he was corresponding with other women and (once I found out) told me that he only did it for a "joke" and because it made him feel good to know that other women found him attractive. And then tried to put it on me by saying that it was my fault because things I said or did made him feel unloved. To me, that kind of thing is the start of infidelity. Even if I found out during a time when he hadn't physically cheated, I would see it as him starting down that road. I would have a hard time even starting to put it behind me unless I felt that he fully realized the seriousness of what he'd done and would never, ever do something like that again. If he was still voicing the excuses you've written here, I would think that he still doesn't get it.

If you have other problems in your marriage-- and it sounds like you do--I think that this was more than just an inappropriate way to deal with them. This seems more like creating a new problem to add to all of the others. If you do try to work things out, my guess is that this internet flirting thing is going to be one more issue you guys have to address.

    Bookmark   May 5, 2008 at 10:44AM
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amyfidler, all we can have here is one side of the story. I have no ways of finding OP's husband and ask his opinion on the issue. lol all we can do is to reply on one side of the story. the way she described her marriage is is plain awful. so instead of cheating she should just move on. this marriage sounds like marriage from hell. my opinion: based on one side of the story.

    Bookmark   May 5, 2008 at 10:00PM
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"but the minute i bring something negative up...i am blasted about what i did..." This is terrible. You have every right to bring up things that are bothering you.

Perhaps you could word your concerns differently. Do you make "I" statements ? Like "I am concerned...." or "I feel upset....." By voicing your concerns in this way, you are not speaking in a way that could cause your husband to feel blamed. Even though, he does sound like a person who would always be on the defensive.

All the best

    Bookmark   May 6, 2008 at 4:13AM
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So if the only two options were cheat or leave, then I can see how leave would be the best advice -

But those weren't the options given. Seldom (except in cases of physical abuse) is the only best option leaving without understanding more.

And I don't see how this marriage, from these posts here, is a living hell. She feels unsexy, she says it's because of his comments, and says he's gone a lot.

I don't see enough here to say it's a living hell nor do I see grounds for divorce. The fact that he's jealous and controlling right now is normal for any spouse who has been betrayed. It's not pleasant, but it's expected.

OP i'd recommend you read a book that talks about emotional affairs - "After the Affair" will help you understand your part in this struggle -

Anyone dissatisfied on any level with their marriage, who then discovers the lure of an extramarital relationship (sexual or otherwise) will find their marriage to be 10x more miserable than they would otherwise.

    Bookmark   May 8, 2008 at 12:58AM
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Let me give a little background. My husband looks a porn and received emails from these sites. He has gawked at women to the embarrasing point, and i caught a women asking him for a date on his voicemail...and when we were engaged...he cheated on me with his x-wife...ok...we had a rocky start and it bleeds over...we had a point in our marriage where we gave everthing we had up to be with each other. we have a strong connection and have been through hell and back...probably more than people married 20 years...as for right now. we had a long talk...and he realized what he has done wrong...and how he might loose me if he keeps up doing what he is doing....right now, we are getting along and we do love each other. I just can not stand the disrespect he has given me through out our marraige..but, I am a trooper and so is he....we will see

    Bookmark   May 8, 2008 at 1:34AM
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If you are both committed to improving your standards of behavior, then, that's worth staying together.

I wish you all the best.

Be on your guard, make sure his respect for you does not wane.

    Bookmark   May 8, 2008 at 3:30AM
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The key phrase in your paragraph there is....'we had a long talk.'

That's where it is, right there.

It's not where you've been, rather, it's where you're going. Good luck to you!

    Bookmark   May 8, 2008 at 2:21PM
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