Conflicted and Need to hear that I'm Crazy
Ok; so here it is. My wife is an awesome lady. She is a very caring mother. As far as I know, she's extremely devoted and faithful to me. She's visciously defensive of the family (myself, her, and our two children (2.5 and 1); Dont cross us - she'll be all over your case. She's considerate most of the time (as everybody else); Oh, and she's hot ;).
I am unhappy.
I've tried and tried to analyze what it is in my life that causes me to feel this way. Although I wasnt thrilled, I have been content with everything for the last 14 years of my life (I'm 31) - so yes, it's a great story "Highschool Sweethearts" but over the course of the last year or so, I have gone from 'ok' with life to hating life, to shoot-me-if-you-must, to me thinking I want 'out'.
Unlike the first post that drove me to this site (http://ths.gardenweb.com/forums/load/marriage/msg0300391431956.html) I AM NOT cheating on her. Yes, I have heard that this or that person is interested, but these feelings arent from me wanting out to be with them. Besides I work a job that is currently demanding between 60-70 hours a week EXCLUDING the commute; I would LOVE to be (and stay) with her, except for a couple things; the first of which is that I am suffocating from her 'needyness'.
My wife isnt a wimp, but for heavens sake she cannot stand being alone (for even a few hours) at night by herself in the house. She claims to be scared. We do NOT live in 'the hood' and have a security system installed, along with firearms that I'm trying to coax her into training with (even though she knows how to use them).
I dont understand where this is coming from... her house has NEVER been burglurized in all her life - so it beats me.
That aside; I think that she cant stand the thought of me going out with my friends without her and/or the kids. Tonight is my best mans' birthday - he wanted to have a guys night out camping at a local campground. Mind you; this is a DEVOUT CHRISTIAN and has been my conscious when I was younger (to ward off those who may be thinking that he's a bad influence). In any case, my wife came up with about 3 or 4 excuses for why I shouldnt go. One of which was that she was scared at night, the other was a guilt trip using the children 'Oh, you dont want to see me or the kids?' because I was going to go straight from work (Yes on a Saturday).
I also have these feelings as if I've missed out on a lot, and that I believe I'm going to miss out on a lot more that I believe I will want to do (with or without her at this point - for instance hike up the tallest peak in america, or go for a roadtrip) and if she isnt interested in the activity she'll guilt me into not doing it... I dont want that for the next 50 years of my life.
She also isnt intimate with me anymore. I realize that I'm off doing work 14 or 16 hours a day; sometimes in the home office till all hours of the night. But often times I'm working on things for her (like proofreading her homework - She's studing to become a teacher after she was laid off from her high-falooting 70k a yr job). A couple weeks ago I was up from 11p to 4a proofing her homework after (and before) going to work the entire day - for 3 days straight during the work week. She claims to be tired, or stressed, or ANY other reason; but really? For months on end? And I'm supposed to be OK with that?
She is also painfully overprotective of our children; but that's something that I cant do anything about. If it's 75 degrees outside she'll dress our son (the 2.5 yr old) in an undershirt, a regular shirt, a sweater, and a jacket with a beanie claiming it's cold. really? or when he's running around inside the house and he starts getting sweaty, I cant take his shirt and socks off to cool off because he'll get cold and catch a cold - and dont get me started with her 'ick' factor...
I understand; these are all minor nuisances and I should suck it up; but for how much longer? Am I ever really going to be able to ever go to a 'guys night out'? Am I ever going to be able to talk her into letting me take a trip to do something I may want to do but she doesnt? I have been a very independant person before this, and slowly over the years she has eroded this independance with her dependance - from her parents house, to slowly thru college, to our house after we married after college, and now it's become so dependant that when i'm not home she'll call her parents over (every day) to hang with her until I get home. Yes, it is a blessing to have help like that; but she has built her life around these crutches, and now expects them at her beck and call.
It's gotten to the point now that I would rather do more work at the office than come home; since besides the typical honey-do's (which mostly consist of things that she could do on her own) I just dont enjoy being around her anymore as she seems to be constantly asking me to 'do things' for her. This is totally besides all the deferred maintenance around the house that I havent had time to get to because I'm taking care of the kids while she's studying, or doing another one of these tasks whereby my time to perform these duties falls into the wee hours of the morning when she's asleep (and the hardware stores are closed).
I dont know - she's a great woman, who means well - nothing malicious about her actions that I can tell; it's just the way she has been raised. I was wrong in assuming that I could change any of that with her parents around ALL the time - make her more independant; less reliant on others to get the work done.
Maybe this is just a husbands rant, but we've only been married for 5 years; we've been together for 14, and only been truly adults for about 10 of these years (come on, we all know we were still gumshoes at 21).
What am I to do? I've tried to discuss this with her - but each time it comes down to 'Why dont you want to be here with me' or 'Dont you want to spend the time with your children?' or 'Dont you want to take care of us?' YES! YES I DO! But I WOULD like a day or two every once in a while to go out MYSELF. I would like for you to take over the 'night shift' with our youngest child for ONE night. I would appreciate you doing some of the icky stuff on occasion like taking out the garbage, take care of the leftovers (package, refrigerate and put the dishes in the dishwasher), or for petes sake simply going outside to the driveway and getting the item you want from the car that you happened to forget in there.
haha - sorry for the short book, but I'm getting to the point - I kid you not - that I was going to talk to her about ending our marriage. It would NOT be fair to our kids; or to her; or to even me for that matter if we did split. But talking doesnt change things but for a week or two if that. Maybe things will get better after school is out; she'll have fewer things on her mind and more time to spend at home. Maybe she'll see why I'm so upset (oh, I also missed my other best friends birthday because she had to study; I also missed another one of my friends wedding showers due to her studying - I'm tired of these excuses she is using to keep me (EVEN US) from going out.). She has always tried to be valedictorian of the class (I say that teasingly; she just wants to get great grades - I cant fault her for that; but she needs to realize that school is no longer the only thing in her life now). I did peruse her texts and emails - but there isnt anything there suggesting any external affairs or the like - so what's up?! I need to talk to her, but maybe talking isnt what it takes - maybe I just need to go to that event or outing without her and suffer the consequences when I return? will that teach her that she CAN survive without me one evening/night? will that make things worse?
Yes, I realize there is a LOT going on in our lives and that we both are probably stressed beyond comprehension and that once my deadlines are passed (in another month or so) and her school is over (in a month or so) that maybe we can discuss these things - although I dont know what discussion would bring about since this has been evolving over the past 14 years already. I hate to say I'm through with this, but this cannot continue this way without me going berzerk.
Wow - ok, enough typing - I need to get back to proofreading her assignment.