How should I handle these problems?
Hello. I've only posted here a couple of times, but lurk quite a bit. I've been hesitant to actually ask for advice and air my "dirty laundry", but Im completely lost as to what to do next. So, please offer any advice you think will even help a smidgen, IÂm desperate... LOL.
So, hereÂs the scoop: I am 24 (will be 25 in May) and my DH is 24 (will be 25 in Nov.), weÂve known each other since Kindergarten, we graduated together & stayed in touch after high school. We never seriously dated in school, but IÂve always had a special place in my heart for him, and from what he has told me, the feeling was mutual. We finally started dating in Feb. 2005, he moved in w/ me shortly after since he didnÂt have a place of his own & didnÂt (doesnÂt) really have much of a relationship w/ his mom; in Feb. 2006 we got our own place together. He proposed to me in Mar. 2007 & we were married in Dec. 2007. So, except for him moving in w/ me shortly after we started dating, I think weÂve moved at a fairly decent pace; not too slow, not too fast.
Anyway, several months after we started dating I noticed that his drinking bothered me. I knew that he drank before we started dating, but never knew how much he was capable of drinking, I guess. Now, since weÂve been married, he has left w/ his "buddies" to go drinking (against my wishes) & not returned until the next day, twice, in about a month & a halfÂs time. The first time this happened, we had been bickering at each other most of the day & he told me later that he just couldnÂt handle it anymore & had to get away. But, the 2nd time, we were fine w/ each other. He came in & asked if I minded if he went & I told him that I wished he wouldnÂt & he turned around & walked out the door!
Both times he came home & we talked about it & he admitted how stupid it was. But the 2nd time it happened he said that time was stupid, but the 1st time he had a legitimate reason. I told him that I didnÂt think there could ever be a legitimate reason for him leaving & not returning until the next day, but couldnÂt get that through his head. Am I wrong about that?
IÂve also told him many times that running away from a problem doesnÂt make anything better, at the time heÂll agree that IÂm right, but then 2 weeks later he does it again!
This only happened a couple of times not long after he moved in w/ me & not since then, so I donÂt feel like I knew this was going to happen when we got married, I thought this was a phase he was out of... Actually, I didnÂt, I never thought about it to be honest... It never crossed my mind that he would start doing this.
To make matters worse, the 1st time this happened he told me that he was talking about our problems w/ his "buddies"! OK, I think itÂs great to have someone to talk to, but the thing that gets me is that he will barely talk to me about our problems & that these ppl are not his "buddies", they would drop him in a second if it was convenient for them & the same w/ him! Also, these ppl consist of a young couple that arenÂt married, a man whose wife just left him, a man who is living w/ his gf & son in his gfÂs momÂs house & a man who left his wife of approx. 20 yrs. for a woman he met over the internet! Yep, great ppl to be giving advice! Then, the 2nd time this happened, I heard his truck speed away & when I asked him why he left so quick, he told me that he ran out to our garage & told his "buddies" that he had to hurry up & get his truck out of here or I might do something to it! I have never destroyed property b/c I was mad... DonÂt get me wrong, the thought has crossed my mind, but I would never do that b/c I wouldnÂt want it done to me! So, now IÂm known as the "Physco B#$%h" around our small town, when I was the one at home, where I was supposed to be, doing what I was supposed to be doing - being a wife, & I get the bad reputation! I find that I really resent my DH for this!
What am I supposed to do about this? I really do love my DH, but I hate it when he does this. I decided when we got engaged that divorce was not an option and IÂm going to stick to that, but IÂve seriously wondered if I made a huge mistake when I married him. He wants children, but I told him that I refused to bring a child into our mess. IÂve tried to be mean, IÂve tried to be nice, IÂve tried everything that I can think of & nothing seems to work... His drinking really bothers me b/c his mom is in & out of the hospital constantly w/ problems w/ her stomach & now her liver (due to heavy drinking) & I donÂt want him to end up like her. I donÂt think heÂs an alcoholic yet, but I think he could be easily, and will be if itÂs not stopped. We have had so many fights about his drinking. I feel like he puts drinking in front of me.
He also has a huge problem communicating w/ me. He closes up when I try to talk to him most of the time. But, when he does talk, he apologizes for whatever heÂs done & sucks up, then does it again 2 weeks or a month later. He lies to me. I have very little trust for him & heÂs not trying to gain my trust back, although he says he hates that I donÂt trust him. I donÂt feel like he respects me or what I do for him/us. I feel taken for granted most of the time. He verbally abuses me when weÂre in a discussion & he gets caught in a lie or in a sticky situation. He acts so childish sometimes; very irresponsible in certain situations. Sometimes heÂs like Jekyll & Hyde; HeÂll be loving & sweet one night, but the next day he leaves & doesnÂt return. He is a little bit self conscious, which also can cause problems. HeÂs really bad at dealing w/ tough situations, which is where the drinking comes in. He likes to run away from reality.
I donÂt want our marriage to be like this. I want to have a husband that other wives are envious of. I want to be the kind of wife that other husbands are envious of. I know things wonÂt be perfect 100% of the time, but IÂd like it to be good at least 80% of the time! WeÂve been married a little over 3 months now & I would say weÂve maybe had 1 good month... Those arenÂt very good figures!
I will admit that IÂm a little nit-picky sometimes over little things, but IÂm working on this. I am a responsible person, maybe a little too responsible sometimes. I am not perfect, some of our fights are my fault. I do have problems, but I donÂt think they are affecting our marriage like his problems are. Am I just in denial?
I do love my DH. HeÂs a very sweet, nurturing person. HeÂs got a good heart. I just think he doesnÂt think of the consequence of an action before he acts & thatÂs what gets him in trouble. He has never physically abused me & I donÂt believe ever will. He holds a steady, good paying job, in which he works very hard at. He supports me monetarily, but not emotionally.
Sorry, I kind of rambled there a little bit. IÂm just so desperate to do anything to make our marriage better right now... Please help me! TIA