How do I tell my best friend her husband is cheating on her?

marshas47March 1, 2007

I desperately need help. I just found out today that my best friend's husband is cheating on her. They have been married for over 20 years and have 4 kids. They have been having problems for the last year or more and are currently going to counseling. I suspected something and asked her if she minded if I snooped around his office while he was out of town and she said she wanted me to. Well, I found phone records, a prescription for Viagra ( they haven't had sex in over a year, so why did he need it? , and then in his trash can I found a cd with her suggestive photo on it. Then i got on his computer, which he stupidly leaves on with no password,and I found over 500 e-mails to her saying how much he loved her and couldn't wait for them to be married. The problem is that my friends' father just had open heart surgery 3 days ago and I don't think he could take seeing her so hurt. Her father was already mad at her husband for going on a vacation while he was having his surgery. Help!!!!!! Should i tell her now before her husband gets back from out of town in 3 days, or should I wait another week to tell her when her dad is stronger and when her husband takes their 4 kids out of town for spring break ( she cannot go because she has to work to support him!!))))..... need advice asap. Thanks!

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What a tough spot you're in! Anytime or way you tell her isnt going to make it any easier.
What's hard about the spot your in,is that if you tell her and she decides to stay with him,he will not like you if he knows you're the one who told,and this could hurt your friendship.However,if he says he,"cant wait to marry the other woman",this could be less of an issue.
I think i would tell her when she asked me about it.If she is feeling stressed about her dad,it may not even seem like a priority right now.
Question though,why did she have YOU do the snooping? I'm assuming you work with him or something and that's why you have access to his stuff? Did you take any of the "actual" proof like the e-mails and picture? Just cuz it might be hard for her to believe otherwise,and if she does,she wont have anything to confront her husband with.
Good luck,I would hate to have to do husband once had to tell a friend his girlfriend was cheating and it devestated the guy even though they fought all the time and had alot of problems.

    Bookmark   March 2, 2007 at 12:11AM
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I would tread very carefully with this one.

Considering your friend knew that you where going to snoop around her husband's office hasn't she asked you what came of it ?

Not sure you should say might be would be stepping into a situation which you really don't want to be caught up in. Even though you already are, considering you went snooping.

I am sure they can sort it out themselves, they would already know there are problems.

I find it difficult to believe that getting into his email is so easy, don't all email accounts have passwords.


    Bookmark   March 2, 2007 at 1:42AM
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I just keep asking myself why the suggestive CD was in the trash. Change of heart on his part maybe?

    Bookmark   March 2, 2007 at 8:43AM
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I'd wait until the husband and kids are gone. That way, your friend will have a few days to get herself together and decide what she wants to do before they get back.

Since she knew you were going snooping, I'm also surprised she didn't ask. Maybe invite her over to your house for coffee and ask if she wants to know what you found or not. Then follow her lead about how much she wants to know. I'd also let her know that you'll support her no matter what she decides.

    Bookmark   March 2, 2007 at 9:42AM
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Don't get involved any more than you already have. If they stay together they will both be uncomfortable with you, especially your friend because she may feel that you are judging her if she stays with him.

Why would you ever agree to snoop through his things? I don't think it was your place, and I cannot believe your friend would put you in the position by even asking.

Stay out of it.

    Bookmark   March 2, 2007 at 10:25AM
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No idea what their actual situation is but you should NEVER have voluteered to prowl his workspace. Having volunteered, you never should have followed through. You've gone too far. This is none of your business.

    Bookmark   March 2, 2007 at 11:46AM
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If you're the only one that knows you did this, I would advise you to keep it to yourself and tell your friend you thought better of it and didn't do it. If I found out a co-worker had prowled my workspace and computer on behalf of someone else for personal reasons, I would regard it as a criminal intrusion and act accordingly. Your call, but I don't see any way you'll come out of this in a favorable light from anyone's point of view.

    Bookmark   March 2, 2007 at 12:59PM
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"You've gone too far. This is none of your business"

In a perfect world, maybe so.

But the friend wanted her to "snoop", & there are STDs out there that can kill you.

I'd wait til the husband is out of town & the dad is stronger, *show* her (showing her the emails without comment takes you off the hook if they do reconcile), in a low-key setting, & urge her to get tested for STDs & at least not sleep with him til he's been tested.

& not go further;
no advice on the relationship or her decisions other than health, & make sure she knows you're there like a rock.

    Bookmark   March 2, 2007 at 1:43PM
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I'd tell her she better go and snoop herself. Why would she send you instead of doing it herself anyway? And, why would he leave a prescription for Viagra laying around/wouldn't it be at the drug store or in his wallet? What could you tell from the "phone records" without doing a little more research? Don't they have a trash service at his office...or does it just not get taken out if he is out of town? Why wasn't your friend waiting with baited breath to see what you found if she knew you were going to be snooping? Guess I have more questions than answers to give you.

Anyway, offer to watch her kids, and tell her she better go take a look herself.

    Bookmark   March 2, 2007 at 4:38PM
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I think you should tell her right away. You know she is going to ask before the husband gets home. Over 500 emails saying he loves her and wants to marry her is proof enough! If it were my best friend I would tell her ASAP. I would also want my best friend to tell me right away if she knew info like that too. You are in a tough spot but she obviously suspected something otherwise she wouldn't have had you look.

    Bookmark   March 2, 2007 at 6:24PM
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Don't say anything to your friend. Don't tell this to anyone else. First thing tomorrow morning, you'd be wise to call a GOOD lawyer and find out if what you did was legal (I doubt it), and how you need to protect yourself at this point, since you have already done this. I'm not a lawyer, but if you were my child, I'd be concerned that you put yourself at risk for both criminal charges and a civil suit by getting involved in the way you did. You need to get the best legal advice you can afford, and you need to follow it.

Protect yourself first.

    Bookmark   March 4, 2007 at 9:52AM
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I think she may have had you do the snooping because she knew she might find out what she already knew. In other words some people don't want to believe what is in front of thier own face. I'd simply suggest that she ask her husband what is going on with him. He may lie but he may also be hoping to get caught so all will be out in the open. After all, if he does want to marry the other woman someone has to know sooner or later.

    Bookmark   March 6, 2007 at 11:23AM
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marshas47,well,what did you do? Did you tell her yet? what happend?

    Bookmark   March 7, 2007 at 5:21AM
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I use It works and is anonymous.

Here is a link that might be useful: YadaMe.Com

    Bookmark   June 9, 2011 at 9:28AM
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