Is it still abuse

sasccascMarch 4, 2011

I have been married to my husband for nearly three years. At first everything was great but after my daughter was born, my husband started having outbursts where he would scream and rant at me for hours on end. At first, i tried to find out what was making him angry and suggest ways to help him control his temper but nothing worked. This continued until my second daughter was born in oct. of 09. After that, he began spitting on me and calling me all kinds of names. Anything and everything that went wrong was my fault or was the fault of everyone else around him. I had given up trying to help him find ways to handle his anger because nothing ever seemed to work. Finally, one day he hit me. I left him the next day but came back when he promised to get some professional help. His idea of help was to take a pill for a month then tell me that it wasn't working. Since then, he blows up at the slightest things and cusses at me and my children. He often hits me and drags me around by my hair. Anytime I try to leave, call for help, or just get out of the house, he takes my phone or throws me around until I stop trying to do anything. Afterwards, he sits there yelling at me and telling me all the things that i did to make him hurt me until he calms down and begins trying to get me to talk to him. It is to the point that when he starts screaming, no matter what the reason, I cower on the couch and my two year old daughter runs from the room screaming. I want to leave but I am kind of confused. Whenever he goes to far and actually starts hitting on me, I fight back. I never hurt him but i do get him off of me. I never instigate the fight and most of the time it just try to avoid him but if he does more than just slap me around a little, I push him away and get him away from me. This may seem pretty clear cut but it makes me wonder if what he does is still considered abuse or if it is like he says and it isn't because i am capable and do fight back.

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tracystoke

oh my god,are u serious?of course this is abuse.This pig wont change,ive been there.I wasnt a door mat either and always fought back,i didnt do anything for the pig i was with ,never cooked for him washed or ironed his clothes,so I thought OK ,he does this to me ,I wont do anything for him,I lived like this for years and he never changed ,alls your man will do is knock the life out of you,your self confidence ,self esteem.you wont rememember yourself. so please get out now ,for your childrens sake.It wont get better,your kids will think this is normal.

    Bookmark   March 5, 2011 at 4:53AM
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suzieque

You're confused? Yes, it's abuse. And it sounds like he's got you brainwashed, which is abusive in itself. Look at it this way - do you really want to bring your daughters up to think that that treatment is normal (as tracy said)? Is that the kind of life you want for them? Because if you do, then continue as you are with your husband. If you don't, get the he11 out.

Um, yes, it's abuse. Ask 100 people and see if you can find one person other than your husband who says it's not.

    Bookmark   March 5, 2011 at 10:03AM
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sasccasc

That's pretty much what I thought but he always tells me that I am more than capable of fighting back and stopping him but that I choose not to. He's right about that. I have been fighting most of my life and have taken classes to help me defend myself but I hate to fight unless it is absolutely necessary. He says that it isn't abuse because I could probably knock him on his a&% if I wanted but I don't. I hate violence.

    Bookmark   March 5, 2011 at 10:10AM
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mary_c_gw

"I hate violence."

Then why are you putting up with it and exposing your children to it?

Leave. Stop being scared and stupid and protect your children. Leave NOW.

    Bookmark   March 5, 2011 at 2:19PM
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sasccasc

That's what I was planning on doing. I was all set to leave last week but my van broke down. I am working on having it fixed so I can drive me and the girls to my dad's house in TN. I want to have the van if possible so that I have reliable transportation to find a job and stuff. I don't work at the moment because my husband doesn't like or trust babysitters and doesn't like the idea of anyone else in the family watching the girls either.

    Bookmark   March 5, 2011 at 6:14PM
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asolo

Do whatever you have to.....but get out of there.

There will likely be more trouble from him afterward. Get ready for it.

    Bookmark   March 5, 2011 at 6:42PM
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sasccasc

That's another reason that I am going to my dad's house. It is fourteen hours away from where I am right now and he won't be able to harass me like he did last time.

    Bookmark   March 5, 2011 at 7:27PM
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asolo

Didn't pick up on the "last time" part upon first reading.

You know the drill, then. This time make it for real. Strongly suggest you leave this sickness behind permanently.

Reiterating: Do whatever you have to.

    Bookmark   March 6, 2011 at 3:55PM
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popi_gw

Leave, don't look back.

Why would you want your children terrorised like this ?

It is not normal.

    Bookmark   March 7, 2011 at 1:35AM
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sasccasc

The reason I have stayed this long is because of my children. They adore their daddy when he isn't yelling. He doesn't normally get bad but about once a week and the rest of the time the girls are constantly playing with him and climbing on him. I know that I need to get away and I have a plan to leave and someone to help me once my van is running, it just makes it hard when I see how happy my girls are when he is around and calm
It won't stop me from leaving but it is the main reason that I have stayed in the past.

    Bookmark   March 9, 2011 at 7:36AM
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asolo

There will be quite a few hard parts about it. There always are.

First order is safety.....for you, especially. Plan and act carefully. Don't give him any opportunity to react until you're in a safe place at an unreachable distance.

    Bookmark   March 9, 2011 at 10:25AM
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sylviatexas1

The "good times" don't make up for the bad ones;
it's like saying "yes, he *did* kill somebody, but before that he was always very pleasant."

& the reason they're so playful & happy is to keep *him* happy, because happy daddy= safety & unhappy daddy=screaming & accusations & chaos & fear.

Children who grow up in abusive homes (domestic war zones) have post-traumatic stress syndrome, battle fatigue, shell shock, whatever you want to call it.

It's devastating, & they do not get over it.

Get yourself & your children to safety.

The longer they're in this war zone, the more deeply entrenched will their responses become, & they'll find themselves involved with volatile, violent men because they'll automatically respond with what it takes to calm & appease those men.

These things do not get better;
the screaming & blame & violence spiral onward & upward into physical violence, by which time the victim is so demoralized that she experiences "learned helplessness" ("resistance is futile") & doesn't resist the abuse until eventually one day she believes that he's going to kill her, & *then* she kills him.

want your children growing up in foster care?
daddy dead, mommy in jail?

want them marrying some guy & winding up beaten to a smithereen & then either in jail or dead?

That's what happens.

Get your children & get to safety.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   March 9, 2011 at 6:21PM
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colleenoz

Apart from anything else, as much as your children love their daddy as you see it, they are learning that it's normal and acceptable for men to be abusive as long as they're "nice" in between abusive bouts. They say girls tend to marry men just like their fathers. Is this what you want for them?
Leave, leave, leave. Unless the van is going to be ready like tomorrow don't wait for it, it's not worth it. Organise to get it (better still, get someone else to get it for you) later down the track once you're away.

    Bookmark   March 10, 2011 at 3:04AM
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tracystoke

I dont think you will leave,not for a good while yet.you are making excuses to stay,the van,the kids,something else will be next. I Made all the excuses too.It does seem terribly hard to leave,the thought of it is much worse than if you actually do it,and when you do finally do it ,you will be amazed at how much happier you and your children will be,and I found I tons of energy too.good luck

    Bookmark   March 10, 2011 at 4:17AM
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sasccasc

I do know how it sounds tracystoke but I have good reason to wait for my van. Besides, I don't have anywhere to go without it. There are probably safe houses in the area but I do not know where they are or even who to contact and I don't have a ride even if I did know. Not to mention, his mom volunteers for a local program and is always telling me about the women that go into the safe houses. Nothing specific but she knows about the abuse and has been encouraging me to stay and I think that she tells me the stories to describe how much worse it could be. I am afraid if I go to one of them, she will find out and tell my husband. My uncle and I have discussed this and we both think that getting my van and driving as far as I can is the best thing to do. Staying in the area is not really a good idea because I am not from around here and don't know the area very well while he has been here his entire life. If I don't go far enough away and he finds me, he will simply start showing up all the time and harassing me. That's what he did last time when I went to my sisters house.

    Bookmark   March 10, 2011 at 10:43AM
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pattybags

Get out. Now. It will never get better. It only gets worse. My mother was in it for years.

You are doing a HUGE disservice to your own children. They will grow up resenting you and being confused, dysfunctional people themselves.

He is the classic abuser. He will NEVER change.

Get out. Now.

    Bookmark   April 11, 2011 at 8:11PM
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