Women! Was I used or loved?

shelovesmenotMarch 18, 2008

"My wife displays no affection towards me whatsoever. Help!"

When we first met it was like magic. I lived in a big city in an upscale neighborhood and had a thriving business. I was 37 never married and no kids. She lived in the same city but we had never met. She was married with 7 kids to another man. We crossed each others paths several times in different states in the US but never met. We found out later that we went to some of the same concerts together, ate at the same restaurants. I even knocked on her door and spoke to her kids while campaigning for a friends senate position. I was at point in my life where I was ready to sell my business, my house and move to the country on a 44 acre ranch in a big house. I had been looking for almost a year for the right place. My family thought I was nuts for wanting to do this because I was not married and didn't have any kids. Something that I always wanted - A lot of kids and a loving wife. Not knowing but she moved 1500 miles away in 2000. She ended up divorcing her verbally abusive husband of 16 yrs in 2002. She was now having reoccurring vivid dreams about a man from Iowa (I'm from Iowa) whose face she couldn't see in her dreams and was trying to plan a trip there to maybe meet him. Well her sister ended up passing away of cancer back in the city where I lived. She was given air reward tickets for her and her kids to travel back for her sister's funeral. She went to the funeral and planned a night out with her old friends. We ended up at the same place and the rest was history. We have been told we are the Barbie and Ken couple and on a scale of 1-10 in looks we are both a 9. She has finished sentences of thoughts I've begun in my head. My birthday is in the last four digits of her SS number and in her mailing address as well. We have many more neat things like that together. Here comes the bombshell. She tells me that she was a prostitute to support her kids and stopped 2 weeks prior to us meeting. Her house is going into foreclosure and she is way behind in her bills. So I start sending money (thousands) to save her house and catch her up on her bills (monthly bills run about $4000). I sell all my toys and send her the money as well. We move forward in our relationship and I made several trips to her home in the country. She is having problems with her two oldest boys ages 15 and 17. The day I'm buying her wedding ring I get a call from her 1500 miles away and she tells me her oldest son just beat her up and was taken away by the police. I sell my house and business and move in with her on her "44" acre ranch in the country. Here is where the problem starts. Her pimp (prominent local businessman) so to speak keeps calling her for the next hook-up. This goes on every 2-3 weeks for the next nine months and each time he calls I let her know how upset and unhappy I am about it and that if she doesn't stop him from calling that I was going to leave. She tells me that it is not that easy to do because the guy is connected and she can't just tell him to stop calling. In the meantime I'm catering to her every need because I know she has had it very difficult in the past. I'm doing all the shopping, cooking dinners, doing laundry, fixing up all the broken things in the house, taking the kids to school/practices and basically organizing/running the house. I write her love notes, bring her flowers, chocolates, give her massages, and when we make love she tells me she has never felt that way before. I pamper her for a solid year. I begin to realize she doesn't and hasn't done anything for me that would show she loves me. No attention, no initiation of love or affection. In four years together she's brought me a cup of coffee every now and then. She also bought me a shirt on one of my birthdays. No cards or love notes from her. Nothing! I have wanted to leave her many times because of this and have tried talking to her about it on numerous occasions. She says that if one person (me) is initiating the love (not just making love - all the other little things), affection and attention in the marriage that it is ok. She says a lot of marriages are that way and I should be happy with that. I feel unwanted, unneeded, unhappy and have lost confidence in myself. We have been together for almost 4 yrs and married for almost 3 yrs. We have a son together now making a total of 8 kids. We also have several of our 17 yr old's friends living with us. Finances are straining our marriage now and her ex hasn't paid child support on their 7 kids together the whole time. He is behind almost $80,000 and has quit many high paying ($75,000+) jobs to avoid paying child support. I have become very unhappy over the past 2.5 years and have said many things to her that I wished I could take back. I was also abusing alcohol to bury the deep hurt from her inside. I haven't had a drink since I moved out on 2-16-08. She says I have hurt her deeply because of the things that I have said. I'm not making excuses for my behavior but I feel like a dog chained to a tree that doesn't get any food or water. I love her but feel as though I was used badly. I have lost my desire to do anything for her. I used to publish a magazine in two markets doing 98% of all the work. Selling the ads, creating the ads, laying out the magazine, sending it to the printer and distributing 20,000 copies in two different states. I was told that I did the work of seven people. I also did over 75% of the work needed on our other business. I gave up on the publishing. She despises me now for not continuing to provide for her and the kids. In fact I was told by a friend that she hates me now. Why can't she see or understand that her actions or lack of actions (showing love) has changed me into the complete opposite of who I really am? I filed for divorce on 2-29-08. I love my soon to be ex wife and kids. Should I move on? Do you think Dr. Phil could help save our marriage? HELP!!!!!!!

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I think you need to find an agent...

    Bookmark   March 18, 2008 at 11:30PM
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Dr. Phil? Really?

    Bookmark   March 19, 2008 at 1:05AM
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an agent????? Please explain Lindac

looking for some HELP with this.

    Bookmark   March 19, 2008 at 1:50AM
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shelovesmenot -

I am finding it impossible to read your entire post because it's all one long paragraph - sorry; that just makes it too difficult and unpleasant to stick with. The few lines I have picked out make me think that 1) it's too bizaar so must be made up or 2) you really have a very strange life/marriage.

I assure you that I'm not trying to be unkind. IMO, you're not going to get much feedback here unless you break it down a bit. Perhaps I'm wrong.

    Bookmark   March 19, 2008 at 9:46AM
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I'll take a stab at it, why not.

In my limited personal experience, many men do like to rescue women. It's kind of dear of them, really. I think it also comes with a need to be adored unconditionally. Unfortunately women of the type who need serious rescuing usually have serious, sometimes nearly unsolvable problems. And I believe these women get really angry if their knight in shining armor does not meet their (perhaps impossible) requirements.

It's important to acknowledge responsibility for yourself, your sobriety, and your work output. Until Dr Phil hosts a show on your particular dilemma, I suggest asking around for a good marriage or individual therapist close to you. Good luck.

    Bookmark   March 19, 2008 at 11:20AM
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Sounds like this woman desparately needed rescuing It sounds to me like what she saw was a solution to her problems, not a real person with strengths and weaknesses of his own. What she loved was a 'way out', her idealized vision of you, not you in particular. So did she use you? IMO yes, absolutely.

Did you use her? Probably. It sounds like you wanted to rescue her. You were also looking for a new life - out in the country, lots of children, fresh air, warm, smiling, happy wife -- the simple life -- one big happy escape fantasy.

And while it sounds like your escape fantasies were perfectly compatible, the real and imperfect humans behind them weren't. You were both disappointed and felt cheated when the real life people didn't measure up to their fantasy counterparts, and when real life problems and annoyances interfered with your utopia.

So what do YOU want to do now? You need to make a living to support yourself and your child together. She's got 8 kids to take care of. Are you (plural you, including the kids) better off trying to do this together? Are you better off getting away from this mess so you can rebuild your shattered self-esteem, restart your publishing empire, and just send checks and visit the little one?

Only you can decide --

    Bookmark   March 19, 2008 at 11:37AM
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Assumimg this story is for real - SHE didn't use you. You used yourself. And no woman could have done a better job of it.

Better untangle your finances and your emotions from this mess and make your sobriety the number one thing in your life. Without that, nothing runs.

P.S. Your WHAT goes with her Social Security number?? And this was a sign from Heaven or something?

    Bookmark   March 19, 2008 at 12:01PM
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If your post is legit, you're hosed. Get out of there. And grow a brain.

I think you're just trolling for fun and trying on a hoax. For an ad-man, layout-pro, and publisher, your writing skills are less than impressive. For a late-thirties, otherwise-successful man-of-the-world, your judgement is beyond terrible.

    Bookmark   March 19, 2008 at 12:22PM
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No school today?

    Bookmark   March 19, 2008 at 12:58PM
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You just joined the forum and already you hold the record for longest and least interesting post except for somebody who was trying to identify dandelions in the garden forum. This won't prompt a call from either Dr. Phil or Judge Judy I'm afraid. If this is all real--I suggest you discuss it with your therapist.

    Bookmark   March 19, 2008 at 7:35PM
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A prostitute wants lots of money, fast! So when you provided that she quit the business. Now your getting a divorce she will go back for the same reason she did it before, quick money. This is sooooooooooooo much drama!! "IF" you need this type of drama, damsel rescue.....then you'll find another drama queen to meet your needs that hasn't filed abuse charges against you. Life goes on and repeats itself. I don't see you getting out of the cycle your in,since you can't see what really draws you to this woman. The intense drama! I do think staying sober is good advice.

    Bookmark   March 20, 2008 at 12:58PM
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I'm going to try to not be as harsh....
i'm going to hope and assume this is for real.
I agree sounds like she's using you it's in your best interest at this point to cut the ties and stay away. Cherish the good memories you may have had. If you're as nice of a guy as you're describing you need to find someone who will appreciate you as much as you do them. A relationship/marriage isn't suppose to be one sided. Move on and get your life back together.

    Bookmark   April 24, 2008 at 3:32PM
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