long distance marriage in trouble please help
Long story but I met and married my lovely husband 10 years ago I had 2 adult children from a previous marriage who adore him and he them.After a few years he became extremely sad at being so far from his home land and was desperate for me to met his elderly Mother. For some months of seeing him become more and more miserable, coupled with the fact that we had no family living near us in the UK (The kids were getting on with their own marriages and children) I agreed to move abroad with him, Moving to any new land I'm sure can be difficult but I found moving to the middle east a huge culture shock. Within 8 months we learned that my daughter was very ill and was about to undergo life saving surgery but with a very real risk that she would not survive the opp I immediately returned to the uk to be with her and it was agreed that my husband would join me asap, he knew how difficult the move had been for me and even without my daughters health problems we both felt we had made a mistake in moving.
Together again in the UK we were happy but then his entry clearance visa was coming to the end of its 2 year issue, after which time he should have been able to apply for citizenship, however he had not travelled straight to he uk once his visa was issued as we had work contracts to end, apartment furniture to sell etc, which took a month or 2. When I called to request a citizenship application we were shocked to learn that he was not able to apply because he had not been in the UK long enough! we were both crushed as we had just started a new business together and knew we did not met the relevant critera (financially) to obtain a new visa for him due to the business we had invested in.
He had no option but to leave the country or face deportation. We struggled for a further 8 months apart while it became obvious I could not manage the business on my own and so we lost all our investment. Also my daughter had fully recovered and was once again getting on with her own life.
Even though we knew it would be hard the only way for us to be together was for me to join him again in the middle east.
We were happy but I cant pretend that I settled into the culture and I became as depressed as he had been in the UK at the beginning of our marriage. After 3 years during which time my mother died, we lost a grandson and trying to long distance councel my daughter through a very unpleasant divorce, serious political unrest erupted around us and the British Embassy advised us they were pulling out all but essential staff and that if at all possible British Nationals should also leave the country. My husband and I agreed that I should return to the UK and that he would join me, that somehow we would get him a visa to join me again. He sent me saying that he belived it was Gods hand as it seems our daughter goes from crisis to crisis either with her health or relationships. He said she needed us both to be available to her and he too missed our grandchildren.
So since 2009 we have been apart, me trying in desparation to get a well enough paid job to fit the visa requirements but in these terrible economic times and with such gaps in my resume I have not been able to.
For over two years he has been the one working hard to keep in touch, calling me every day and us both supporting each other as best we could via yahoo etc. He moved in with his now very elderly mother to whom he is a wonderful nurse.
Last year I visited him and we spent a wonderful 3 months together, parting at the airport was heart breaking for both of us.
He has always kept my spirits up reminding me of our dreams and his love.
He took a new job just before Christmas and he is working 7 days a week as well as looking after his frail Mother. He called me 2 weeks ago and he was not his usual strong self but wept as he told me how worn out he was emotionally and physically, how alone he felt and that he had lost all hope of us ever being together. I cried too and in the emotion of the moment said it would have been better if he had never met me and had married within his own culture. We both cried and his international phone card ran out.
He didn't call me for a week and when he did his manner had changed towards me he was very respectful but suddenly said that although he would never divorce me I should divorce him he then proceeded to give me the names of the forms I would need where I should send them etc. It all sounded surreal to me.
I have called him and sent him so many emails explaining that I didn't mean my words, and that I will come to him, that I cant imagine life forever without him. He just keeps saying that although he loves me it will never work as he can not face seeing me be so unhappy in his country and he can not come to the UK and that now with his new job he has realised he no longer wishes to live in the UK even if we could make it happen. He says we should face it and end our marriage. I have begged him to let me try living there again and he has said if I want to he can not stop me but he has no hope that I will be happy and its not what he wants for me or for himself.
I am in pieces I can't sleep or eat he is my world. He agreed that we should meet up but that it would take a few months for him to be able to send me money for flights. I was so worried that our marriage would not stand that kind of delay that I have borrowed the money and booked flights for next week when I told him he seemed genuinely pleased but not over the moon the way he was last year when I was arranging to visit him. It's so out of character for him not to show overt expressions of love towards me, he even seems a little irritated by my calls and emails so very very different from his usual way.
I am so worried he has said that if I do move back after this visit then I should be very very sure that I will be happy, but that he cant see it, so I shouldn't come.
To be honest I know in my heart that I can not guarantee him or myself that I will cope with it. He is right I have tried before more than once
but the alternative is unthinkable to me. I have played it out in my mind and not having him in my future is unbearable to me.
Please any insight or advise would be so welcome the whole family are baffled at his sudden change I cant emphasise enough how within our relationship he was the one that worshipped me and even as recently as last month emailed our grand daughter saying how he couldn't wait for him to join us all in the UK.
Also our children and grandchildren our so upset not only at the realisation that he will not be joining us all one day here, but also that I am moving away again.
Tonight he got his brother who has lived in the USA for the last 20 years to call me I've only ever spoken to him once before, he was very kind and understanding but kept telling me that he didn't think I could be happy there that after his visit there last year he couldn't do it so there was no shame in a European woman not being able to. I explained that I wanted to try anything to save my marriage and he then kept trying to persuade me that it wasn't safe for Westeners there. Eventually I told him I had booked flights and he backed off.
Please help me I leave in 8 days time and my imagination has me fearful of what I might face. I have asked him if he has found someone else and he assured me he hasn't I asked his brother to tell me if there was anything else I should know and he too said as far as he knows there is know one else involved.