when is enough, enough???

kcilsMarch 21, 2007

Hello all, I am in dire need of some advice, i'm tired of being stressed, Ok here go's from the beginnging, I am 24 years old and my wife is 24 as well, we have been married almost a year now, we have been a "couple" since we were 17, but for almost 5 years we had a long distance relationship, as we chose different colleges that were 1000 miles apart, we maintained a long distance relationship over the entire time but we grew up apart and now we are completely different than when we we're 17, we were not faithfull to each other over the time apart, but we would never stray outside of our marriage. To make a long story short we just don't get along, it seems line everything leads to an argument and its just no "fun" being married, we are two totally different people and it really feels like we don't belong together, I have said many times that its like we are just holding on because of all the time that we have invested, but we are still young, we have both said things to each other that a married couple should not say, and we forgive, until the next argument, also, we now live in the city i went to school in because I had the best job, but she constantly throws it in my face that she sacrificed her family to be with me, i didn't put a gun to her head and she knew way before we got married, In my opinion we are both too young to deal with the kinds of stress that we deal with, I admit that maybe my idea of marriage was a little skewed, i knew that we would have our bumps but what we are is nothing i could have dreamed of in a million years, as of now we really don't have any ties, no children, no mortage, no credit cards together, etc.... I really don't believe that she is happy either, and I know that she misses her family and would be happy if she were back in the same city with them, as I always feel like i was happier before we were married, also we had never lived together before we were married, we did it the old fashion way, straight out of college to the altar. I am not happy and i don't think she is but yet we keep trying, only to argue more and more, I don't know what to do, I know that I was more happy before we were married and I honestly feel that we made a mistake, we always said that we at least had to try the married life no matter what, and that exactly what I feel that we have done/did and its not working, when is enough, enough? she is a good woman, and i am a good man, but we just don't seem to be good together, I feel like i'm being suffocated and she feels like i'm holding her back, just tired of being stressed, please help

I know that this is lenghty and thanks in advance to anyone who reads/and gives advice, its greatly appreciated.


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Print this out and show it to her. Then talk about it or don't. A year isn't very long, but if you're already running around in circles it's time to break the cycle. If you agree to work on it, do that. If you agree its bad news and no sense in going further, move along. Time for the direct approach. Sounds to me from your post that there's nothing to be lost by being direct. Suggest discussion as opposed to argument. You both have lots of life ahead. No sense in being miserable or in living it with someone who is -- whatever the reason.

    Bookmark   March 21, 2007 at 8:02PM
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Oh, my, yes you are young!

I think it is very insightful of you to figure that you may have held on because of the time you had invested - that does sound likely - and very human. It IS hard to rethink something when you have put a lot of time into it. And it's hard to see things clearly when you have viewed them just one way for that long.

But you ARE married now and I guess I have just one piece of advice for you. I believe that marriage requires you to make a commitment, not just to the other person (as in: we won't cheat) but to the state of marriage itself (as in: I will make extra efforts to make this work. It will have priority in my life.) If you stay married, commit yourself to the relationship itself and do whatever you can to make it the best it can be for BOTH of you.

Reading through your post I was struck by how optional marriage seems to be to you. Both of you seem to be recalling (too fondly) your earlier happiness when you were not married. You say that you have "no ties"...but you do. You vowed to stay together and that doesn't happen automatically. You seem to easily imagine ending your marriage. That suggests to me that you really are NOT committed to it and if that is true it will be awfully hard to make it work.

If you DO want to save your marriage, I think counseling would be in order. You and your wife are very young and, as you said, have changed a lot in the time you have been together. That would be hard for anyone to handle. A good counselor might be able to help you two learn to be married as well as to work out current problems.

If you do NOT want to stay married, I hope you will try to part as peacefully as possible - grant each other the understanding and consideration that you would like to receive and try to learn from this experience.

    Bookmark   March 21, 2007 at 8:28PM
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I think you know the answer to your problem. If you know in your heart that it just isn't right then you know what to do,to make it right.

Yes, it is a shame when things don't work out, but you sound like you care about each other, and do care about each other's happiness.

Why don't you sit down on your own, and think about the big picture. Think about what you want from your marriage, can you honestly see both of you being happy in the future ? Think of a time when you have children, a mortgage, would you be happy with all that, with this woman ?

You dont want to be in a position where you end up hating each other, better to remain friends.

You really need to have a relaxed talk with your wife and ask her how she feels. Perhaps you could suggest a trial separation.

Good luck, all the best to you, and I think its terrific that you have posted here and asked for help.

You sound like a decent chap.


    Bookmark   March 22, 2007 at 2:35AM
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I agree with all three of the posts above.
It does sound like you drifted into marriage for the wrong reasons, that you were probably too young, and that you're not 100% fully committed.

The past is over and done with, and only the future remains to you. Try to put the past behind you and focus on what you can do in the years ahead. Do you want to spend them with the person who is your wife? Is she your best team-mate? Do you like her and respect her and feel confident you will grow together is ways that will be compatable and fulfilling?

If not, then it is better to end it now. If so, then the two of you need to work together to rebuild that committment. If you're not sure, then both of you need to go to a counselor to help sort things out. Better to divorce as friends than to stay together if it's not working.

    Bookmark   March 22, 2007 at 10:14AM
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I am sorry for what you are experiencing, and I hope it works out either together or apart, but I think you both need to be honest with yourselves and one another.

I know I am going to regret posting this, but I don't think anyone should marry until the age of 30 or older. Your life changes so much in the years between entering college and then entering the workforce, etc. I just think marrying before 30 isn't the best idea. Usually by the time one reaches 30 they are sure of their likes and dislikes, and more importantly, are not afraid to not go into a relationship that doesn't "fit". When you are younger, you are more likely to think things will work out fine, so what we disagree on "whatever". You can't change another person. My point is people signficantly change between 20 and 30.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   March 22, 2007 at 11:27AM
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Labmomma, I'm tempted to agree but really, people significantly change in any 10 year span of their lives - especially if that time includes events that are challenging. It seems to me that the real key to making a marriage work at any age is to remain steadfastly committed to the "marriage" itself while constantly readjusting one's own changing self to the changing self of one's partner. It's certainly not easy!

The very young ones who marry may simply not have enough experience to have learned to know themselves much less their partner (can't say in this specific instance since I have far too little information). I don't believe that is ALWAYS the case - some people who are young in calendar years have astounding maturity and insight. Thank goodness it is not up to me to decide who should or should not be married!

    Bookmark   March 22, 2007 at 11:57AM
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I know I am going to regret posting this, but I don't think anyone should marry until the age of 30 or older.

I think it's a bit much to say that no one should get married before 30. I got married at 21 to my high school sweetheart, and we're very happy (coming up on our 10 year anniversary in a few months). It's rare, but it does work for some people.

Having said that, though -- you really have to know yourself, and your partner well if you're going to get married that young. In the OP's case, it sounds like they spent several years apart during college, then decided to get married afterwards, which is almost like marrying a stranger, if you ask me. When you marry that young, too, both partners have to be strongly committed to the relationship (which, IMO, is hard to find in the very young), and it helps if both are very compromising -- you tend to be learning how to navigate the "real world" together, as well as both growing up a bit more. If one partner is overly dominant or negative, then each brand new real life problem you face is going to be that much more overwhelming, and that much more likely to destroy your marriage.

    Bookmark   March 22, 2007 at 1:04PM
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Dont get her pregnant for heaven's sake. Don't show her the post. Take her out of the house, sit down and decide if the two of you want to try a temporary separation, or want to file for divorce. Make a quick firm decision since doing it any other way seems to almost invite pregnancy. Divorce is not the end of the world, but spending 20 years with somebody and trying to raise children when you can't get along is a nightmare.

    Bookmark   March 22, 2007 at 7:03PM
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I think if you marry young you can change together. If you are older and set in your ways, I can imagine it might be really difficult to find someone who can fit in with you.

But that is a generalisation, the point is you have to be really careful when you marry, and I think the OP may have got married for the wrong reasons.


    Bookmark   March 23, 2007 at 3:16AM
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I agree with popi.Although I think in MOST cases people should wait until they are a bit older (not nessacarily 30 though).

To me,this situation isnt about age though. It's about the fact they have grown apart.After only being married a year,they should still be in the honeymoon faze!
If they arent happy together,they just simply arent happy.

Op,you are young,if you know in your heart it isnt there,it is ok to move on.Marriage is definitely work,but it shouldnt be so much so that everyone is unhappy all the time.
If you want to go about it the right way,you could get counseling first,and then know you exsausted all avenues before calling quits.But...sounds to me like you know it just isnt there between you and that you both made a mistake.
Hope it works out for both of you.

    Bookmark   March 23, 2007 at 4:01AM
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Enough is enough as of today. Get out of your marriage and for goodness sake, do not, I repeat not get pregnant. You might even go for an annulment. I don't know the rules on that or the state you're in, but by all means, get a divorce. If you're miserable now, the chances of that changing are nil. Get out!

    Bookmark   March 24, 2007 at 2:58PM
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I got married right out of highschool at 18. we are coming up on our 14 wedding anniversary, hasn't been perfect the whole time (lots of fighting that first year!) but we fit togather great now, almost as if we have grown into one person with how our likes and dislikes mesh.
even during our worst fights that first year neither one of us thought of giving it up because we were in love. you to me sound like you are not 'in love' even though you two may love each other very much.
(maybe I am not making sense?)

    Bookmark   March 25, 2007 at 2:49AM
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My husband and I are currently in marriage counseling and we're going to soon have our fifth year anniversary--we married when I was 26 and hubby 28 (still relatively young). We also have a toddler. When I read your initial post, it was kind of like hearing my husband say the things he said to me. Of course our experience was not identical to yours, but there are similarities. We were no longer in the honeymoon phase within the first six months of marriage and every year, up until we finally started counseling, got harder and harder.

I'd like to share with you one of the exercises our marriage counselor is having us go through. It requires both partners to think seriously about what their own needs are.

I decided to think of my needs in terms of my marriage: what did I need from my marriage in order to be happy? The length of your list doesn't matter, and even if some of the items sound like wants, rather than needs, write them down anyway. Then each partner, if they feel comfortable, should share their list with the other. The next step is to decide whether or not you think you can meet your partner's needs. It requires honesty to get through this exercise, but it can be very enlightening. I'm still waiting for my husband to share his needs w/me, but I learned a lot about myself when I put my list together.

Good luck, whatever you do please realize that you're working toward making the best choice you can.

    Bookmark   March 25, 2007 at 8:19PM
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thank you all the input/advice that you have posted, please don't stop, We have not talked about any of our problems since I have posted this, I feel that we both think life will be easier if we just don't acknowledge our shortcommings, even though I am sure that we both know that this is not the right thing to do, I guess its because it keeps the stress levels down. About 4 months ago we had a terrible fight and she said that we should split up, but we couldn't tell her parents because she was embarrassed that her marriage only lasted months, she wanted us to live like "roommates" i would sleep in the guest room, we would't do eachothers laundry, or cook for each other etc.... I agreed and was ok with it, well to make a long story short it didn't last 24 hours, but i still have the feeling that we are still in that "unwritten" agreement, it just seems like we are going through the motions, we try to be cordule with each other, for instance we do things together, like go to the movies or to dinner etc... but it just doesn't feel right. I am so confused and scared, I don't know how to bring it up to her, even though I know she would be much happier, she is the type of person to not admit it because she scared of what everyone else will think, I feel the same way as well, but I would rather be happy forever than fake it in pain for everyone else.

    Bookmark   March 26, 2007 at 10:45AM
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From your last post, I'm changing my mind. Your enhanced description makes it appear to me that you're both so incredibly immature my best advice would be to break up, grow up, and start over at some later date with someone else. Both of you need individual growth that you're not going to achieve otherwise.

    Bookmark   March 26, 2007 at 11:18PM
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You said you are "scared of what everyone else will think".

You know in your heart and head that you cannot live your life for other people. What is going on in YOUR marriage is what is at issue here, and what other people think should not be considered.

Do you know what will happen if you and your wife continue on the way you are, not addressing the issue ?

You will end up having another huge argument, because the frustration will build up and it has to come out some way.

You must think of the big picture and deal with the problem. At least you both agree on the fact that your marriage is not working, and you dont have children to anguish over. Who cares if you have been married for only a few months ?

It takes a brave person, with lots of dignity to admit that they have made a mistake and will take action to address that and move on. You can be that person.


    Bookmark   March 27, 2007 at 6:40PM
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I think the two of you need more help than we can give you here. You need professional help to guide you to the right decision. You two don't seem to be able to communicate very well. I don't hold a lot of hope for your marriage 'cause you sound waaayyy too unhappy. I hope you both can find the peace and love you deserve, whatever that may be.

    Bookmark   March 27, 2007 at 11:20PM
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My brother in law was getting ready to go to a 2 year college, he had already finished the first 4 years here at home, his girlfriend of 1 year could not stand the fact that he was going to be 1 hour away so they got married in August, the marriage was over in September (hubby and I both lost the bet, I said Thanksgiving, he said Christmas)
You know what? No one gave a crap (family wise) they all said they was glad they got a divorce before there was chillens, and let me tell you my hubbys family is all about who is who and what looks right and keeping up with the Jones' and such and such (snobby I guess you would say?) They never even mentioned that 1 month earlier they had put out 10,000.00 on a fancy wedding, my mother in law tried to help him when he called saying they were having problems, I got to hear the conversation, she told him they were married, they were going to have to work on the relationship, but in the end even she said it was for the best. Please don't worry about what others will say, they are not living your life, you are.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2007 at 1:59AM
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